#dating while autistic

Life seems like it’s divided up into supposedly easy chunks with specific and inflexible timelines. You go to elementary school, middle school, high school, and college, and then, at least in my neck of the woods in Texas, it’s apparently time for marriage and kids. These feel culturally expected to occur by the time you’re 25 (or even younger!) and deviating from those norms may not instantly make you a social pariah, but it can make one wonder if they’re doing something wrong.

You may know, like I know, that there isn’t a single mold that all human beings should adhere to in terms of being “proper adults.” (And that measuring adulthood by sex, romance or making babies isn’t a great idea in the first place.) You may also know, like I know, that even with this knowledge, it doesn’t always feel that way when you’re scrolling through your social media feed and seeing what seems like everyone your age settling down and having kids except you.

Many social norms, macro or micro, can make it seem like the ideal — or even only! — time to start having dating experiences is in high school. You may get the message that doing it any other time, even just waiting until you’re in college, puts you at  some kind of disadvantage. To go against that grain may inspire some social judgement of you and, at least in my case, leave you wondering if you’re just fulfilling a harmful stereotype about what autistic people are capable and incapable of doing. Ugh, the weight of those potential consequences just from not dating people when you’re in 10th grade!

Of course, negative perceptions of people who wait to date by that basis alone are simply untrue. Even if it’s impossible to remember amidst the din of outside messaging world, there is no one right time for dating. That’s as true for neurodivergent folks, including those of us on the autism spectrum, as it is for neurotypical members of the world.

Why is it so difficult to remember that?

They’ll say they understand your autistic traits

They’ll say they understand you

Then they’ll add extra connotations and meaning to your words

They’ll always assume the worst in you

They’ll put words your never said in your mouth

All they’ll do is lie to your face and make you feel broken

And everything is your fault because you didn’t know anything was wrong because they never fucking told you

And then you’re killing yourself trying to fix yourself, masking yourself to death.

my fiancé has ADHD and I’m autistic, and we both HATE being told/reminded to complete a task that we were already planning to complete in the near future. it’s part trauma response, part shame-reaction. I’m sure people can relate!

but realistically, as people who live together, sometimes those questions are logistically unavoidable. “Did you switch the laundry (so that we both have clothes for a function)? Have you fed the dog yet (because she has a sensitive tummy)? Are you going to take out the trash (because it’s garbage day and all the bins are full)?”

and we’d both get defensive and be like “of course I’m gonna do it! I didn’t forget!” even though that wasn’t the point. it was a bit of a sticking point in our relationship until my fiancé used a metaphor that blew my mind: the Sims queue.

you know how telling a Sim to do something just adds the task to a series of already-input commands? it’s like that. I ask, “Did you feed the dog?” and he says, “It’s in my Sims queue.”

and that’s that! I know it will get done and I can plan my own tasks accordingly. it works for requests too. “Can you add feeding the dog to your Sims queue?” “Sure!”

it’s goofy and simple but it works! and removing little barriers to good dialogue is worth it.