#dating interviews

What was the inspiration for creating your blog, The Private Man?

My primary motivation was to blog about my own dating experiences while also advice to guys who are over 40 and single. But after the first year, I realized that the advice became more important than the stories of my personal dating experiences. Most of the dating and advice blogs are for folks under 35, usually never married. I wanted my blog to target an older demographic because I see a huge need there, for both men and women alike. As an active participant in the "Manosphere", I have the privilege of sharing and learning the almost subversive truths about attraction and dating between the genders.

What are some of the popular questions you get ask by men? What advice do you give?

The most popular questions revolve around guys wanting to increase their attractiveness. My advice is that they first work on their confidence by mastering an activity/enthusiasm for themselves, not to impress women. Women can intuit when a guy is merely trying to impress them and that's shallow and desperate. Confidence is all about the guy trying to impress himself or gain the respect of his peers. Women are secondary to his overall confidence. Women will sense that and find themselves attracted to such a man.

One of the pieces of advice you offer with regards to dating profiles is having professional photos taking. Why do you think this is necessary?

Two reasons... firstly, it shows that the person is serious about online dating and meeting his/her relationship goals. Dabbling in online dating - especially for men - won't result in many dates or meeting his relationship goals. Secondly, it shows the person in their best possible light. For better and worse, online dating is an exercise in marketing, the product being the person doing the selling. For the record, I advise only one or two professional photos . The other three or four photos should be honest and RECENT candid shots. A full body shot is mandatory, especially for women.

How do you define Charisma? How does someone get better at Charisma?

Charisma is a combination of emotional, social, intellectual, and physical (not as important as some might think) attributes that causes people of both genders to be drawn to the person with that Charisma. It can be learned. For men, it starts with confidence. Then, social skills are added. Those social skills must be keenly refined and applied at the right time and in the right context. This is a matter of patient practice and people deeply aware of one's impact on other people.

Usually, Charisma is word applied to men. Much of "Game" is all about learned Charisma. For women, the phrase "feminine charm" is more appropriate. People are drawn towards feminine charm as people are drawn to towards masculine Charisma.

What if any downsides do you think there with online dating?

The most important downside to online dating is the abundance mentality where individuals of both genders are always available should a profile or date not be attractive. Online dating can too easily yield constant searching and never committing because it becomes far too easy to reject a person.

The other biggest problem with online dating stems from the abundance mentality. If there is always another profile to review means that a person won't come to the understanding that they must bring something to the dating table themselves.

Connect with The Private man

Site: http://theprivateman.wordpress.com/

Tell us more about your company Nerds at Heart? Why did you start the company what were you hoping to do?

Nerds at Heart produces Dating for Nerds parties for smart singles in five cities: Chicago, Minneapolis-St. Paul, Milwaukee, Indianapolis and the San Francisco Bay. Be on the lookout for us to expand to more cities and online social networking soon.

We started Nerds at Heart because we saw friends on the dating scene who weren't meeting compatible matches and we wanted to create an environment where people could get to know each other in a less superficial way than the traditional club scene. Our inspiration was the relaxed vibe of hanging out with your friends playing games at home, but with the chance to meet new people.

You launched Nerds at Heart in 2006, but then later you started organizing Meetup events. Why did you guys decide to start using Meetup?

We have an in-house PR team and publicize our events heavily, so Meetup isn't our primary outlet, but we love it because it's such a good fit for developing a face to face community. We have Meetup groups in each of the five cities that we serve that total more than 4,000 members.

What's unique about your events versus other companies or other Meetup groups?

Our mission is to host parties that are fun, witty and warm. Going to a dating event often requires being out of your comfort zone and we want attendees to feel that taking that step was honored, so our team works hard to design gatherings that are low-pressure, engaging and facilitate interaction throughout. Our hosts are also welcoming and take extra care to make sure everyone is comfortable and enjoying themselves. Although our events make a fun girls' or guys' night out, we've set them up in a way that you can don't need a wingman to meet people. We encourage a mix of ages, ethnicities and interests as well because diverse backgrounds make for great conversation. And if an attendee isn't satisfied with their experience for any reason, the next event is on us.

Your focus is on the "nerd" community. How do you define nerd?

We let our attendees self define and the rule of thumb is "If you think you are, you probably are." In our experience, being a nerd encompasses a broad range of activities, from computer programmers to librarians to anime fans to music geeks to comic book collectors to steampunks. The common denominator is being interested in what one attendee called "the life of the mind." You can chat with others who have the same pastimes or meet someone with a profession or hobby you never heard of before, but wish you had.

Nerds have the stereotype of being more shy around strangers, do you find this to be true? At your events how do you increase interaction between guests?

Our attendees are smart, sweet and funny. There are sometimes socially awkward "Revenge of the Nerds" types and we consider them our brethren, but most attendees are regular people who just happen to value brains as much as beauty. The events are lively, sometimes even raucous, and you can hear laughter all the way through. Our guests are never left without something to do, either one on one or in groups, and we work hard to create engaging activities (think poetry magnet icebreakers or scratch and sniff trivia). Besides our yenta hosts, our attendees are also friendly and inclusive and there's a strong sense of community in addition to the romantic connections.

Connect with Bathsheba Birman

Site: http://nerdsatheart.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/nerdsatheart

Meetup Group: http://www.meetup.com/datingfornerds/

What is the most common question you get asked about dating and relationships? What advice do you give?

The most common question I get asked from women is "Why doesn't he contribute to the relationship the way I do?" It's frustrating to feel like you are putting more into a relationship than you are getting out and that leads to resentment, which can be the undoing of a happy relationship. So it's important to understand why he does what he does so that you don't take it personally. The reason he doesn't contribute to the relationship the way you do is because romance is not necessary for men like it is for women so it's hard for his brain to make it a priority. The oh-so-romantic "little things" are just not in his vocabulary, especially after the initial pursuit. So my advice is to stop doing romantic things for him, sit back and ask for what you want instead. Make specific requests like: would you make me a cup of tea? Would you rub my feet? Would you bring me flowers? I like roses. When he delivers, thank him profusely with smiles, kisses and glee. Give a dog a treat and it'll train him to repeat the behavior.

On the flip side the most common question I get from men is, "She always seems upset with me like I'm in trouble but I don't know what I did wrong. How do I make this lady happy?" Haha. The answer of course is romance! She's upset because she wants you to plan dates, light candles, give her massages, send her cute love texts, wash the dishes, take out the trash, pick her flowers, do more foreplay and you don't. But here's the kicker…she wants all that without her having to ask for it. So obviously we can add "read minds" to that list as well. Most girls have these desires in common so try out a few of them and don't be discouraged if she doesn't have a big reaction. It may take time for her resentment to melt away and be replaced with butterflies and sunshine…but it will happen.

What's the worse thing a man can do in a relationship that while well intentioned will cause resentment or issues with their significant other? What about the other way around?

The worst well intentioned thing a man can do in a relationship is put on the "Mr. Fix It" hat and offer solutions when his woman wants to talk about her day. For a woman, talking and sharing is a form of intimacy and bonding. But a man will interrupt her with solutions for how to solve her problems or how to make her "negative" feelings go away. Men will say things like, "Don't worry about it," "You're overreacting, it's not a big deal," "Just do this..." "Don't think about it anymore, everything is fine." He genuinely wants to help her be happy again and this is what he comes up with. Unfortunately, this destroys the intimacy and bonding opportunity for the moment and it makes her feel like he is minimizing and disrespecting her experience. When a woman talks, she wants her man to listen, make eye contact, nod, make little "uh huh" noises, if she cries get her a tissue, hold her hand, when she goes silent interject small empathetic sayings like, "that sounds really frustrating," when she is done, ask her, "Can I do anything to help?" Most of the time she'll say, "you already have."

The worst well-intentioned thing a woman can do is offer unsolicited advice. When things are good, women want to make it better, we can't help the impulse. But what women need to know is that when you tell a man how he should change for the better (ex: "slow down, you're going to get a ticket" or "don't wear that, you look homeless") it's just as annoying as when a man tells a women how she should feel. For a man, unsolicited advice in the form of "helpful" suggestions can easily be interpreted as criticism, complaints and nagging. So unless he's asking you for advice, don't give it to him. At the same time, if a man feels appreciated in a relationship a woman can practically do no wrong.

If there are issues in a relationship what's the best way to bring up and address the subject? Does this vary depending if you are a man or a woman?

The first impulse everyone has is to start with "We need to talk." This will just put the other person on the defensive and over-dramatize the situation from the start. So my advice is to edit that impulse out. If you are angry and want to confront your partner about something, don't. Go cool down, go for a run or a drive, talk to your friends, journal. Not only will this help you approach your partner in a calm way later on but it will also give you a chance to self-connect and articulate what you want/need from your partner. "We need to talk" has a lot of baggage but when you're calm, cool, collected and ready to talk, try saying, "When you get a chance, can we talk about something?" This casual statement will give your partner the reassurance that they're not about to be attacked. During the discussion, instead of complaining, blaming or criticizing your partner, describe the situation you want changed and ask for what you want. This creates an opportunity for your partner to succeed and can be the difference between a fight and a peaceful resolution.

If you've been dating someone for several years how do you keep the spark alive? Especially when there might be temptation or the "grass is greener on the other side" mentality?

We only look to someone else's grass when we are dissatisfied with our own. As long as you get your needs met from your relationship, you won't cheat. The key to getting your needs met in a relationship is communication. As soon as an issue arises or you notice you have a need that isn't being met, talk about it with your partner and resolve it. Never avoid the confrontation. If you do, it will lead to suppressed feelings, resentment, rejection and the end of a happy relationship.

When it comes to keeping the spark alive, in addition to the above advice, it's important to have sex regularly with your partner. Not the 3 minute pump and grunt, although quickies can be fun sometimes. I'm talking about making love, connecting, foreplay, Play! Keep it spicy by trying new positions, experimenting with toys, talking about what you like, what you're curious about trying. Remember to play with your partner. If playful connecting sex is regular and you deal with problems as they arise, then all your attention, devotion and care will be directed toward your own grass and there won't be anything left for someone else's.

When do you think relationships should end? Let's say for example a couple has been doing OK, but lately has been growing apart. Maybe they've talked about it, but nothing changes. Is that when they might consider end the relationship?

A relationship should end when it feels hopeless; when you've exhausted all other solutions and you see that you're never going to get your needs met. I always recommend that people self-connect with their priorities and make a decision based on that. If you love someone and you want to get married but they don't, do you stay with them? What's more important: getting married or being with this person? See? If you love someone who isn't financially secure but you want to start a family soon, do you stay with them? What's more important: financial security, keeping up a certain standard of living, or starting a family with this person? Prioritize what you need in life and then make a decision based on that. You're never trapped. You will find love again.

If a couple is simply growing apart, this isn't the time to break up. This is the time to seek help to better your relationship. Seek out counseling, read a self-help book, read Mars Venus on a Date, check out my dating advice column at marsvenus.com, etc. This is the time to invest new energy into the relationship and fix what needs fixing. Probably you've started to take each other for granted. So my advice is to go back to the beginning, where a man plans the date, where a woman gets dressed up, where you hold hands, slow dance, hike, have a picnic and just spend quality time together. This will often bring back the original spark and connection. That way you can then build your new relationship skills on a solid foundation of fun, trust and love.

But ultimately, if the damage is too deep, you can't salvage the spark and you're not getting your needs met then it may be time to say goodbye and move on to something new.

Connect with Lauren Gray

Site: Mars Venus

Twitter: @AskLaurenGray

The dating advice and coaching you provide is mainly targeted towards women. What common concerns do you hear from women when it comes to dating? What advice or approach do you give to help them with these concerns?

Concerns run the gamut, but frequently I’ll hear women lament they’re “having a really hard time meeting men” or that “all the good ones are taken.” The truth is there are plenty of single men, good men; it’s just that women need to do the work to get out there and move past their storybook and societal ideals of who can be a “good” partner and how they can/will meet them. I think, often times, behind these frustrations for women is a real lack of self-awareness and clarity about who and what they’re looking for in a man and relationship. I know this, because I was that woman, for several years.

Many women are clueless as to why they’re still single and they’re hell bent on not “settling.” They don’t associate being single with lack of self-awareness (or self-esteem) and lack of understanding when it comes to their values and true needs. I encourage women to engage in deep self-reflection about current and past experiences. Simultaneously, I ask them to be action-oriented in the dating world in order to work through the issues that they’re identifying and to practice their dating skills. I don’t want women to look at dating solely as a means to an end (marriage and babies); rather, it can also be about the journey, and by being conscious of this journey, they have a better chance of meeting a compatible, healthy partner. Looking at dating this way takes the pressure off. I also try to get women to think differently about this notion of settling.

We've interviewed dating coaches who coach men and often what we hear is in order to get dates it's a numbers game where you just have to ask a lot of women out in order to get a date. Does this apply to women? What should women do to get dates?

We still have a society, for the most part, that operates under the assumption that men should be asking women out on dates, although we’re starting to see more group dating scenarios, women initiating dates and getting digits, and the like, but predominantly it’s still expected that men do the asking in the beginning. There’s no right or wrong, that’s just where we are in 2012. So, in today’s day and age, it’s less about women asking a ton of men out on dates (although they can try this strategy if they want to) and more about being receptive to going on lots of dates with all sorts of different men. Part of my dating coaching philosophy is about practicing dating. You can only practice by going out on lots of dates, even with men who you might not initially be attracted to or interested in. Dating is often a numbers game. A recent survey conducted by dating website UKDating.com found the average woman will date 24 different men before she finds “Mr. Right,” 7 percent of women will go on 41-60 dates before they found their life partner, and 1 percent will go on 61-80 dates before discovering the love of their life. I don’t have an exact number in my head, but given all my dating experiences since high school (I’m now 35), I’d probably put myself in the 1 percent range before I found my Mr. Right two years ago. So, yes, dating is partly a numbers game; that being said, I firmly believe unless you’re clear on who you are (your values, boundaries, needs, limiting beliefs, etc.) and what you’re looking for, you could date until you’re blue in the face and not meet anyone or continually attract unhealthy or the wrong partners. In my estimation, finding love takes a combination of resilience, perseverance, resourcefulness, self-awareness, experimentation, and action. I write about all of this in my upcoming book, which I hope to offer for sale in the next 6-9 months on my forthcoming website. Lots of cool stuff in the works!

With regards to dating can you share with us one of your clients success story? Where by making a few key changes provided noticeable results.

By getting better clarity on what obstacles were standing in her way and then taking action on removing those obstacles, through small, smart steps, a former client of mine felt she had better control of her dating and love life, that she was an active participant, not a silent observer or helpless victim. She found that her dating life started to feel lighter, freer, more positive. Most of my clients feel more empowered when they start clarifying for themselves what their obstacles are and how they can start removing them, who they are, and what they know about themselves and the world around them from their past and current experiences. I show clients how to do this and guide them to come to their own answers.

Do you believe women should follow "dating rules"? Stuff like the man should always pay, never initiate contact with a man, wait until the third date to have sex, etc...

I have a tough time with rules, to be honest. Too many dating coaches and pundits have such subscribed ways of doing things: If you do a, b, and c you’ll get x, y, and z. But dating and relationships aren’t black and white; there are no magic answers or scientific equations that I can give a woman that will 100% guarantee her a boyfriend or a husband.

That being said, I do have a few rules of thumb that can be useful for many women, especially in those confusing, nerve-wracking early days of dating, one of which is about allowing the man to set the pace. As I mentioned earlier, even in today’s world of gender parity, I still think many men, when looking for a serious relationship, like to be the pursuer, and many women want the guy to be a bit more of the initiator. Whether that’s biology or culture talking, nobody can definitively say, but I still think this is the reality in 2012. Some women may want to do the pursuing or are comfortable being the initiator, but I think still for the majority, a woman appreciates the more traditional dance in the beginning. So, I would advise women who do want to be pursued a little to sit back and let the man set the pace of the relationship, especially in the early stages. Let him initiate the first few dates and phone calls. This can be tough for women nowadays, especially because they are used to pursuing everything in their lives, from career to school to hobbies. But I think if women sit back and receive a little, they make the man prove through his actions that he’s interested in getting to know her. When it comes to splitting the bill, I suppose the first couple of times a woman can let the guy pay (a “wallet-grab” is always a nice gesture), but if you think about it, in a society where many women are making just as much money as men, why should this outdated custom still be a “rule?” Some women prefer having the man pay, because it matches up with their value system, but for others, they have no problem splitting the bill. If a woman feels that a man paying for her on dates goes against her values, and I advised her to always let a man pay for the first several dates, then I’m essentially advising her to do something that runs counter to her core values. If this value is indeed crucially important to her, she should seek a man that respects going Dutch and her independence. This type of woman does not need to be taken care of in this way; having a man pay for her is not part of her value system. This is an example of why I think setting up blanket, generic “rules” for all women to follow can be problematic.

Ultimately, I think women are better served by paying attention to what feels right to them. You have to spend time really reflecting on that, developing better self-awareness, determining what your values are, and understanding what you’re really looking for in a man and a relationship. For instance, if a woman isn’t sure if she should sleep with a man she’s had three dates with, I would ask her to reflect on the reason why she’s having sex and her past experiences with casual sex, rather than have her follow some generic rule. If she’s the type of woman who is comfortable sleeping with someone before a establishing a deeper commitment and has an ability to keep her emotions compartmentalized, then I would say she has her answer. If, on the other hand, she’s had several experiences in which she’s slept with a guy on the third date because she thought it would bring them closer but the man always disappeared and she didn't like the way this felt, or she finds herself getting emotionally attached too quickly because of sex, then I would advise her to wait. It’s about what sex means to her, not me, not her friends, not the media. She shouldn’t feel the need to be some feminist martyr, nor should she wait for an arbitrary 3-6 months and/or for an established commitment if she feels ready and her decision matches up with her value system and needs.

Boundaries? Yes. Rules? It’s a bit more nuanced.

For people who don't want to do the online dating thing, what are some good ways or places for women to meet guys?

I’m a huge advocate of online dating. People who complain about not liking online dating but struggle to meet men for dates, in my opinion, should swallow their pride and give it a chance; in fact, they should give it multiple chances. Sometimes it takes years of trying online dating to meet someone. Aside from online dating, I encourage women to think strategically to identify opportunities to meet men and take advantage of their networks; there’s no shame in proactively strategizing in this way with regard to their dating and love lives. I also encourage women to actively make dating and meeting men a priority in their lives, because nobody else will. An example of strategizing might be the following: Let’s say a woman goes on three girlfriend vacations a year to remote spots, spending $1000 each time; well, maybe next year she goes on two vacations with her girlfriends, saving the money from a potential third trip and purchasing ten, $100 tickets to local charity galas instead – great places to meet men! This kind of approach may not be in line with the romantic fairytale of how she saw herself meeting someone, but the older women get the more they realize that there’s no such thing as the fairytale.

Connect with Neely Steinberg:

Site: http://www.neelysteinberg.com/

Twitter: @NeelySteinberg

Even though online dating has become more socially acceptable there are still people who are against it. How would you convince someone to give online dating a try?

If I were to try to convince someone use online dating I'd start by asking how they're finding their dating opportunities now. Often the response would be that they're not finding any opportunities and at that point I would want to know if that's acceptable. Is it something that's acceptable forever? If they're still not having opportunities in 5 years, is online dating an option then? And if it is an option then, why not now? Is meeting at a bar really that much better than an online dating service? Generally those are the types of questions I would ask. I don't usually say to someone, "You should use online dating" but I do hope that when they look at their own answers to these questions, the choice they should be making becomes clearer.

And to be honest, I don't go out of my way to try to convince people to try online dating. There are some people who are most concerned with what others think of them...what others think for this person is actually more important than finding a good relationship. For this type of person, I've rarely found that what I can say about online dating will help change their mind.

Then there is another type of person: those who really just want someone to talk them into trying it. A lot of the people "against" online dating are also some of the most curious about it. After I have a debate with someone about online dating and they sign up the next day, does that means I'm a great debater? I don't think so. I think there are many people out there who desperately want to try online dating but just need someone to tell them that it's okay to do so. In those cases, convincing someone to try is as simple as answering their questions and talking about my success.

All that being said, I've been giving online dating advice for quite some time and early on I liked to try to talk people into giving it a try. But at this point, I prefer to spend time helping those already using online dating as opposed to spending time trying to convince people against it to change their mind.

There are tons of online dating sites out there which ones do you recommend and why? How do you determine what makes a good site vs a bad site?

generally recommend those that I used myself, mostly eHarmony and Match.com. I had experience with them and also a big part of my success was in all the opportunities those sites provided me because they have so many members. I hesistate to suggest smaller or lesser known sites to people since I didn't use those sites myself and I worry the opportunities would be limited.

That being said, I think niche dating sites can be great. A big site like Match may have tons of members but if you're looking for a specific quality, you may end up having far fewer options than it looks like. Niche dating sites also make it clear to everyone what is important in the relationship and that can help. For example, if I had to enter the dating scene again (and if my wife reads this let me just say how thrilled I am that I don't have to!), I'd think find Geek 2 Geek something that would be fun to try. Even though it has a smaller number of members, I suspect I would still have a lot of opportunities.

So I guess my advice is if you want to go with a generalized site, go with one of the big ones because the more opportunities (members) the better. If you have something specific you want to find in a relationship on the other-hand, I'd investigate the niche services that might meet that desire.

After reading about your online dating success story one thing that stuck out was the fact that it seemed like by getting better with online dating that it translated to you getting better with real world dating (and getting dates in real life versus online). Was this the case? Are there any other skills that online dating taught you?

Yeah, that was the case. I remember one night I went to a wedding and got two phone numbers and then left that to go to a birthday party and ended up getting a third. That was totally out of character for me and honestly still is today (I'm a happy introvert).

I think what I was finding was that dating was fun and I had become comfortable with it: the successes, the failures, the rejections, the misunderstandings, the excitement and nervousness of meeting someone new. It was something I learned how to handle and stopped seeing it as confusing.

A lot of people say that confidence is the most important thing with dating, but for me I think it was more about being comfortable. The reason I got three numbers in one night is not because I was the most confident guy in the room. I definitely wasn't. But I was totally comfortable with the idea of being turned down. The fact that I had something like 3 first dates scheduled the next week didn't hurt either! Getting rejected is surprisingly easy to take when you have multiple other dates on the horizon!

As for other skills online dating taught me...I'm honestly not sure. I will say that dating a few dozen women did teach me that what I think I want and what I really want in a relationship were quite different. The more women I met, the more I understood what I was really looking for and I think that was a huge help. When I met my wife on our first date, by the end of it there was no question in my mind that this was a woman I wanted to pursue with all of my attention. At least in that one area, I truly was confident and I'm thankful for all the struggles and learning in online dating that brought me to that point.

Messaging people through online dating sites is a big part of "getting the ball rolling." From your experience what did you write in your initial messages that got the best response or reply rates? What about for asking to meet up for an actual date?

Honestly, what I didn't write is what I found gave me the most success. When I first started dating online, I felt like I need to get paragraphs of information in my first email. At times, I felt like I needed to defend why I was contacting the woman as well: I would explain in great detail why I decided to contact her and all the things in her profile that we had in common. Those approaches worked horribly. For months I did that and couldn't understand why so few women would respond!

The advice I give today is that the first email is really just bait to get someone to read your profile. Have some things you want people to know about you? Put that in your profile, not your first email. Then keep your emails short. Generally I would write three or four sentences: I'd say that I liked her profile, perhaps point out an interest of hers that I shared and then ask a question based on what she included in her profile. Compared to my previous approach, this approach was amazingly successful. I still had more emails that didn't get a response than those that did...but that didn't matter when I was getting enough responses to be talking to half a dozen women at once.

As for when to ask someone on a date, as soon as possible is my recommendation. If the woman claimed to be out-going or adventurous or if we had a lot in common, I'd often ask her out in the first email (because what's more adventurous than that?). If they said they were new to online dating or expressed nervousness about it, I'd wait until the third or fourth email. I do think it is important to get the message out early and often: I want to meet you. If she said no, that's okay. We'd keep talking and I'd ask again in a few days. Even though I had women say no, I rarely found that asking a woman out would cause her to stop talking to me. Often "no" just meant "not yet".

Also, meeting is so important! If you talk for weeks in email and then meet only to find there's no connection...what a waste of time! So I encourage people to meet sooner rather than later. And, as I like to point out, I asked my wife out in the first email I sent her (and she said yes!)

So after all of this dating experience what made you want to start Dating Advice Guy?

I really wanted to be someone that would just offer honest advice. Which isn't to say there aren't a lot of people giving honest advice today, because there are. But back when I was dating online it seemed that all the advice was either trying to sell you something or just talked about sex. None of that advice was really helping me get to first dates and once I found what worked for me, I wanted to share that with others. Plus, I found that I really enjoyed giving online dating advice to my friends as they were trying it after my success. It's been very rewarding running the site and I still enjoy connecting with my readers and helping them have success. The best is when someone writes me about their engagement or, as happened once, invites me to their wedding!

Connect with Brad and Dating Advice Guy:

Site: http://www.datingadviceguy.com

Twitter: @ADateAdviceGuy

So there are a lot of dating and love websites out there. What was your motivation for starting Franklove.com?

Over the years I have had so many conversations with people about relationships. Usually my perspective was quite different for those that most people considered to be the norm. Yet at the same time those that I were talking with usually said that my perspective was articulate and well-thought out. I decided to write a book, and the rest is a platform to launch the book and an entertainment career.

What is the most common question you get from guys when it comes to finding or getting dates? What do you recommend them to do?

I am often asked how to keep a woman or a partner. My answer is basically, by providing value to that person. There is no better way. That way they stay voluntarily (because they are getting something out of the relationship). That is not really an answer to your "dating" question. So, my advice on getting dates is to be open about who you are and approach women regularly. One will undoubtedly like whatever weirdnesses that you carry, and subsequently you. There are few greater feelings than being accepted. But you cannot be accepted, easily, if you are not presenting yourself.

You had a post on how you took your special someone to see a romantic comedy even when you have zero interest in them. The point of this to show how you care about her. What other things do you suggest people in relationships should do for each other?

Touch each other/massage, it is a valuable form of communication that is underused.

You have a book coming out called "Frank Love: Uncommon Solutions to Common Relationship Problems." Can you give us an example of some of your uncommon solutions?

The book changed to "How to Gracefully Exit a Relationship." One way to do so is to discuss how you have broken up with previous partners. It tells your current partner what your pattern(s) have been.

Connect with Frank Love:

Site: http://franklove.com

Twitter: @MrFrankLove

When it comes to dating everyone has their own list of desires in a potential partner. Aside from finding someone with similar interests or hobbies, what universal qualities should people be looking for to have a successful (long lasting) relationship?

I believe this depends on your age and whether or not you have children. When we're younger, we look for more superficial things like good looks and similar interests in going out and more immediate gratification.

Once we get older and especially if we have children, our needs change drastically (or at least, they should). In my book, Evolve or Die Single, I specifically address this. I advise men and women to create a “must have” and “must not have” list. Put everything you can think of on these lists then tweak it to become your top five for each list. If you have children, one of those items should be, “will this person make a good step father/mother for my child? Is he or she stable?” Those things become very important when dating after children.

If I had the answer to finding a fulfilling, long lasting relationship, I would be the most sought after person in existence. Just remember that relationships take work from the first day until the last and that communication and intimacy, in my opinion, are the key to keeping it strong.

How do you know when it's time to end a relationship? Have there been times when you thought it should end, but after some time things got better and the relationship got stronger?

No, that has never happened to me. I believe that if we listen to our inner voice, or our gut, we know when it's over. If you just prolong the inevitable you are only prolonging the hurt and making both of you more miserable. Don't tell yourself it will get better just because you are afraid of confrontation and never, ever cheat. If a relationship has turned violent, physical or emotional, please leave immediately. If you can't do it on your own, ask a friend for help or get professional help.

What do you think is the best way to end a relationship? Is it good to "take a break" from each other or is it good to just make a clean break?

The best way to end a relationship is to do it honestly and calmly. Sit together in a quiet setting and tell your partner your feelings and what you want and need to do. Make notes if you need to. If things get heated don't be afraid to take a time out and let emotions calm down. Things tend to be said when emotions are high that you wish you could take back but you can't; you can never un-ring the bell.

There are times when a break is a good idea. If one or both of you are going through a time in your life where there is an inordinate amount of stress that is causing you to act outside of your usual behavior, then a break may serve you well. Make sure you set clear boundaries and time lines for your break so that no one is unnecessarily hurt.

For people who are the recipient of the breakup what's the best way to get over it?

A devastating break-up can be like a death. The most important piece of advice I can give is to let yourself grieve. Allow yourself to feel the pain, cry, be sad, be angry...feel the different emotions that your mind and heart will go through. Feel them but them let them go. It hurts now but you will heal. Resist the temptation to keep calling or texting your past partner. As hurtful as it is, they have gone through the mourning process much faster and have already moved on.

Never be afraid to lean on your family, friends, or clergy for support. If moving through these stages of grief is just too much, never be afraid to seek professional help.

Does being a single mom change much what you look for in a potential mate? Have there been guys you've dated where you thought they were compatible with you, but not a good fit for your child? What do you recommend?

Absolutely! Being a single a single mom changes everything. I used to look for a hot body and big hunk of a man, but now I need much more depth. I actually don't date that often because very few men meet my requirements. My main requirement, will this man make a good stepfather for my son, screens out about 95% of all men I meet.

Soon after I got divorced I met someone that I dated for a couple of months. He was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed being around him. What I realized is, that for many reasons, he was not a suitable stepfather for my son. It wasn't long after that that I ended the relationship. My recommendation is that if this person isn't a good fit for the family then this person needs to be shown the door. Period. Additionally, if this person shows no interest in your children or continually asks you to put them first and your children second, run. Run as fast as you can.

Connect with Michelle Higgins:

Site: http://scarletmom.com/

Facebook: Facebook.com/scarletmom

Starting from the beginning what was your personal experience with approaching and meeting women? Did it come natural to you? Or was this something you had to study, practice, and refine?

Everything I teach, in all my programs, I taught myself as well, when I was trying to figure out how to become a master at connecting and meeting women.

Had it come natural to me? At times it did. I've always been somebody who's able to communicate. But did I have to study, practice, refine? Absolutely. Everybody does. Nobody's born a natural.

When you slide through your mom's vagina as a kid, you don't wink at the nurse and wink at her say, "hey I'll see you on the changing table, sweetheart." Everybody has to learn this, and that's the issue with this mentality that we have in the world today. Guys are looking for the magic pill and that's ridiculous. There is no magic pill.

I had to teach myself all this stuff. I consider guys to be real lucky that I can sell programs that can give them the short cut rather than spending a lot of time figuring it like I had to. I know if I was in my 20s and had some shyness to me that I would have dove into these programs and would have gotten everything that was outlined from somebody that was older, wiser, smarter, and been through the process.

What is the most common problem you see from the guys who turn to your for coaching? Are they too shy? Do they not know what to say?

It's a range of things for coaching. Some guys that are shy suffer from approach anxiety -- just being able to approach a girl is difficult for them. Which in part is not knowing what to say. To many the thinking is that they have to use some type of script. All of this points to the biggest problem I think men have nowadays, they don't understand women at all.

See, they don't understand women because they don't have enough contact with women. This is why I created a product called "Girls Tell All." It's all about contact with women, meaning I actually interview gorgeous women and have hours of material so men can understand how they think. Because when you're playing any type of game, you want to understand the enemy. By understanding the enemy, their feelings, their thoughts, their emotions, you'll be able to become that man that you want to become.

I've been interviewing women since I was a kid. I understand them inside and out. And I find them so simple to talk to, that's why I like to teach this.

One excuse people will have for not talking with strangers is the fact that they are afraid of bothering the other person. How would you respond to someone who believes that?

That's just their fear and their excuse.

If they were just friendly, and they commented on what was happening in the moment, they're not bothering somebody. And the fact of the matter is, who cares what the other person thinks? The other person is not more powerful than you. That other person is not God's gift to mankind.

So what I do is I go out and show guys how to just connect naturally based on observations. Observe what the person's doing, make a comment on it, own your words, and listen. If the person wants to engage in conversation, they will. And if not, don't sweat it. Don't worry about it. It's their choice not to talk to you. It doesn't mean you're not a great person.

Let's say we've been able to start a conversation, but what are some pointers on keeping the conversation going?

Keeping the conversation going is real easy. It's called listening! Which is what drives me nuts with men. When you go and talk to your boss, you don't sit there and have a pre-ordained script written out in your head. When you talk to your best friend, your brother, your sister, people that aren't women, you basically talk to them because you listen to them.

You communicate, you listen. That's what conversation is, listening. Stop looking at women like they're alien and start treating them like they're people. That's all it is. If a woman had a mask on, you didn't know whether it was a man or a woman, you would talk to her. If you didn't know what she looked like, you would be able to communicate because you would listen, because you wouldn't see what her face is. It's all a mental thing for guys, it really is. I talk to men, women, children, all the same, and that's why I'm successful.

Approaching women is a numbers game, and inevitably you are going to meet not-so-friendly women. How should guys respond to women who are rude or mean? For example, worse case scenario, "You're ugly. Stop talking to me." What response would you recommend?

When you meet a woman that's rude or mean, who cares? Who really cares?

"You're ugly, stop talking to me." I have never heard that in my entire life and neither has any guy that I've ever really coached and went to. That's all in their mind-set. I walk up to women all the time that ignore me. I'll go over there and say something and they won't talk back. I'll say hello to somebody and they'll ignore it. Who cares? I don't care what this total stranger has to say. I don't give my power away. I don't put my balls in the jar

I don't allow a total stranger to dictate my day or my confidence in life. That is so weak in every way, shape, and form. If you're that way and you allow total strangers to dictate your life, you might as well sit at home and masturbate profusely and never get out of the house.

Hopefully that motivated you to see how ridiculous this is. If a woman doesn't respond it's her choice. So what? You just want to be with people that do respond, and by talking to lots of women, some will, some won't. So what?

How to Connect with David Wygant:

Twitter: @DavidWygant