#date activities

recreating paintings or statues without getting caught

one forgetting their glasses and repeatedly triggering the alarm because they are leaning in way too far

trying to sketch paintings

taking pictures of each other more than looking at the displayed art

people watching

getting lost and ending up in the same couple rooms again and again

playing smash or pass with the portaits

trying to guess what an abstract art instillation is about

losing track of time, being the last ones around, and getting ushered out by security

Dating Advice

Questions to Ask Before Meeting Someone for the First Time

Approach the first date like sorority recruitment—find their “golden nugget” that they’re passionate about and love to talk about, good eye contact and smile, don’t ask about money/other taboos (@jennapalek)

No bid promising at the end of the date! Don’t kiss him or promise a second date

If someone ghosts you, either let it be or ask (call/text to see) if something has happened to cause this change in behavior. Kindly let them know that if they aren’t interested, neither are you, so they’ll have to meet you halfway to keep the momentum going (@mishahubbard)

Kind in our words, ruthless in our actions

“Are you a ‘yes until no’ or a ‘no until yes?”

Breaking Patterns in Dating

Early Red Flags

Unsafe People

When I was younger, I was called “dramatic” and “overly emotional”. I prioritize other people’s feelings, sometimes at the expense of my own. I struggle with attention and focus. I crave attention, affection, and connection.

As a result, I end up pursuing men who are too busy for commitment, avoid big discussions, and prioritize their own feelings over my own, but love physical touch/affection and constant validation. We’re not doing that anymore.

Pursuer/Withdrawer Dynamic

2 to 3 times is a pattern!!!

Trust isn’t given, it’s earned

Don’t be mean to him, but tolerate zero BS: this helps weed out emotionally immature men

From the beginning, he should always be a little bit scared not to act right: not scared of your emotional reaction or starting an argument, but that you’ll walk away like you never knew him and you’ll never think of him again

Be very picky about the behavior you tolerate in the beginning! However he acts before you’re dating is how he’ll act later on (or he’ll be worse because people are on their best behavior when you first meet)

If he does something that’s a dealbreaker early on, observe it and think “thank you for showing me who you are before I got too deep into this” and say nothing to him. He’s playing dumb so you’ll explain to him what you did so he has the opportunity to suck you back into a situation that you already know isn’t going to be good for you. Disappear and he’ll never hear from you again. The most hurtful response is no response because people hate to be irrelevant!!!

Once you know your worth, you don’t explain your worth to other people. If you’re being treated worse than you deserve, you do not need to meet the other person where they’re at. You get to leave that situation silently, with grace and composure.

New Standards

Must make time for me CONSISTENTLY

Must be comfortable having big discussions and maintaining an open dialogue

Prioritizes my feelings as much as I prioritize theirs

Does not use physical touch and words of affirmation as a replacement for baseline respect and consistency…actions and words must match up

Don’t give them access to your time if what they’re offering doesn’t meet your standards!!!!!

Activities

Weekly dinner dates (can be super casual) or video call

Tuned app

Habits

Hello and goodbye kisses

Face/be touching each other while sleeping

Monday movie nights

Tuesday get tacos and watch the sun set

Wednesday wine nights, can invite friends

Thursday: brunch or breakfast for dinner then go to the bars

Friday: go out for a nice dinner

Saturday picnics

Reminders

Remember to say thank you!

Bring up concerns as they arise rather than waiting

Don’t go to bed angry

Try to understand conflicts from their perspective

Date Ideas

Art museum and dessert

Walk in the park

Drive-in movie

Dinner and a movie

Coffee and a trip to the library or bookstore

Picnic

Hike then dinner

Stargaze

Picnic

NYC trip

Watch the sun set on the beach

Get color paint chips and look for things in nature on your walk that are the same color

Candle making class

Meeting Parents

Bake or buy cookies from local bakery, preheat for 3min at 350 half an hour before, put in tin container

Bring chilled wine in bag for mom, card for the dad (sports related?)

Flowers for mom and alcohol for dad

Introduce yourself to everyone and say goodbye to everyone

Make sure his drink is full and fix his plate at dinner

Crafts

Paint a small box for each other

Photo craft

Groovebook photo albums

Date idea: Loveandpaint / loveisart kit

Healthy Attachment

Attachment Styles

Have 2-3 other priorities that come before the relationship

Practice experiencing positive emotions while alone, including gratitude, joy, happiness, and laughter

Focus on the present, not on possibility

You aren’t asking too much. You’re asking the wrong person

SLOW DOWN when meeting new people. Focus on hobbies and friends, and keep options open.

Let people prove themselves

Healing from abuse

Green Flags

During conflict: what are three reasons I’m right and three reasons they’re right in this situation?

Remember that their actions aren’t personal, but you have an influence on their response to you

We don’t need to talk or text constantly, just check in on each other a few times throughout the day

Calmly discuss minor frustrations before they escalate

Have separate friend groups but invite SO to spend time with one another’s friends periodically

Neither of us are always right

Don’t say okay if it’s not

Random acts of kindness

Coping with Jealousy

Talk about it

Get to the root of what you might be afraid of, what you might be feeling deep down, and what your experiences may have taught you about trust and relationships

Explore how jealousy shows up for you and what you might need to do for yourself when it arises

Jealousy is usually more about us than our partner or anyone else

Phrases to Assert Boundaries

“If you keep talking to me like that, I’m going to end the conversation”

“My reaction is justified given your behavior”

“This is a firm boundary for me, so let me know if you can’t honor it”

“You can disagree with me. I still expect you to treat me with respect.”

“It is important to me that you’re on time when we have plans.”

“It makes me uncomfortable when […] Please respect that boundary going forward.”

“I love spending time with you, and I need some time alone/with my friends right now.”

“I’m upset about something that happened the other day. I’ll address this tonight when neither of us are facing hard deadlines.”

“I’m not interested in proving my point to you.”

“Please do not act like you’re an authority on my lived experience.”

“I’m open to constructive criticism. The way you’re speaking to me is not constructive.”

“I enjoy intellectual conversations, but I want to focus on our emotions right now.”

“My feelings are just as valid as my thoughts. They provide me with valuable neurological feedback on my environment and how I’m being treated. I’m not comfortable with treating emotional conversations as less important than intellectual ones.”

“We have comparable life experiences. Since this is meant to be an equal partnership, please don’t talk to me like I’m your student.”

“I’m not willing to debate the definition of respect with you.”

“I’m not comfortable with you speaking about other people like that in front of me.”

“I won’t be able to help you with that.”

“I need some space after our disagreement. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to talk.”

“I don’t appreciate when…”

“This makes me uncomfortable.”

“I need … for my wellbeing.”

“I will not discuss/engage with/participate in…”

“Before we continue this conversation, I need to let you know that…”

“I’m going to change the topic because this isn’t something I wish to participate in.”

“I need you to stop here.”

“Please respect my prior request.”

“I’m excusing myself now.”

“We are on the same page about… and I need to draw the line here for my mental health.”

Handling dishonesty: “Thank you so much for sharing your account of events. I would love to see your support for how you got to this conclusion because I am interpreting the situation a little bit differently based on [insert receipts!] and I’d love for us to find some time to discuss.”

Verbal abuse: “Are you assuming I let people talk to me like this? Or are you asking to be the exception?”

There appears to be a disconnect between the subject of this discussion and the tone you’re choosing to take.

Gaslighting: a) Please stop bringing up what I used to allow. My tolerance has changed.

b) If you want something from me, I need you to ask directly.

c) I’m learning to trust myself, so I’d like to decide without your input.

d) I’ve disclosed as much as I feel comfortable sharing.

e) I’ve already said no and it makes me uncomfortable to keep repeating myself.

f) You are not respecting my boundary.

g) That doesn’t work for me.

h) I don’t need you to manage my relationships with other people

i) I know I said I would help you, but after looking at my schedule, I can’t fit it in.

j) I can’t read your mind, so I’m going to need you to communicate your needs.

k) You’re taking my words out of context and I don’t appreciate it.

l) I know you meant well, but saying that isn’t helpful.

m) I’m an adult and I can handle things on my own.

n) You aren’t my parent and I would appreciate it if you didn’t use an authoritative tone with me.

Casual Dating Boundaries

“I’m looking for a monogamous relationship, so if that isn’t what you want, I can’t continue seeing you.”

“I don’t sleep with people on the first date.”

Gentle Boundaries

“I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. I’m too tired to be present with you in this moment, and you deserve active support. Could we revisit this later?”

“You said that you would reach out to me today and you didn’t. When you say you’ll reach out, that means something to me, and I feel confused and disappointed when you don’t. It would really help me if you followed through when you said you’d get in touch with me.” RESPONSE: “Thank you for being direct and telling me how you feel. I can definitely do a better job at following through on communication and I’m happy you brought this up.” Person 1: “Thank you for validating how I feel. I really feel heard and I’m grateful you’re willing to work on this with me.”

If someone asks about cleaning: “I know you [love/care a lot about] me and want to see me living in a peaceful environment. I want you to know that I want this too. I’m working at my own pace to implement systems that help me make my home more functional. What I really need from you is support and patience while I get there. [Here are some specific things you can do to help: bring items to a donation center, spend time with me while I clean, drive these trash bags to a dumpster OR refrain from commenting on my space].”

Phrases to Avoid When Empathizing

At least

You should

I feel really sorry for you

Don’t worry

Communication While Autistic

I understood what you said as X, is that true?

Couples therapy!

Take a break during disagreements to write down what I mean so I have time to process

Separate special interests from time together

What Accountability Looks Like

Respects you enough to tell you uncomfortable truths

Patient but firm

Appreciates genuine apologies

Respects your boundaries

Good at listening

May not always understand, but loves you

Does not excuse anyone’s toxic behavior

Is not afraid to disagree with you in a kind way

Does not indulge in or take advantage of your harmful behavior

Removes themselves from unhealthy situations and communicates why

Calls you out for your behavior toward yourself or others

Reinforces positive thinking and encourages your progress

Open minded and willing to learn, uses learning opportunities for personal growth

Enforces own personal boundaries

Will not constantly threaten to cut you off for minor perceived insults

Genuinely happy to learn of your progress

Takes your unique circumstances and challenges into consideration

Pairs criticism with suggestions for change in the future

Both celebrates with you and stays with you during the bad times

“The Talk”

“Look, if you want a girl who has no life, who just sits around, is free whenever you want, and you don’t have to put in much effort because she just accepts the bare minimum, you can have that! But that’s not me. I have a life, I have a lot of important things going on, and I don’t like loose plans. If you want to date me, I want clear communication, I want to know when you want to hang out and what the plan is. Why don’t you take some time to think about what you want, and if you’re prepared to [what my needs are …]. And if you decide that’s what you want, let me know. If not, all good.”

But you have to be ready to walk if he says no!! (Lauren Berghoff)

Habits to Unlearn

Infantilizing adults by parenting them

Stealing the problem solving mechanism in other adults

6 Months in: Reflection

What makes your partner laugh and cry?

What are they passionate about?

How did their family affect their growth?

What makes them mad?

Do they have spiritual beliefs? How do these beliefs affect their life choices?

What are their defining moments?

What is most important to them?

How do they define success?

What kind of support do they need when they are stressed or sad?

What are they most proud of about themselves?

What can instantly light them up inside?

How do they recharge their emotional battery?

First Date Questions

Low intensity “life choice questions”: Do you cook often? What’s your favorite genre of movie? What are your top 3 shows that you think are worth binging? Do you have any pets and when can I meet them?

Medium intensity “lifestyle questions”: do you go to the gym or work out or stay active? How do you prefer to stay active? What are your hobbies? What do you do for fun? Have you ever won anything? Do you like to read? Do you watch sports? Do you play video games?

High intensity “life path questions”: Have you lived here your whole life? Do you see yourself moving? Do you plan on staying in your job/field long-term? What are your career aspirations?

High intensity “identity questions”: what are your political beliefs? What is your religious affiliation?

Deeper questions can identify red flags but might potentially scare people if you ask them on a first date

Supportive Responses

You’re safe now, I’m right here with you

Are you feeling …?

Do you want a hug?

I’m so proud of you

Do you want to tell me what happened?

I love you

Would … help?

How can I best support you?

I can see that you’re feeling …

​”The best and most beautiful things in the wild cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” –Helen Keller

Love is a beautiful feeling especially if you have someone to share it with, could be your soul mate parent, child or even best friend. During this month of love some of us weren’t able to treat their loved ones on 14th due to unavoidable circumstances like work.

Re…