#darupa

Here's some progress pics + concept and turnaround!

And here's some pics I used as reference!

Nervously Jun folded and unfolded the napkin again. It was a cheap paper napkin. The family restaurant had been Yutaka’s suggestion, probably because it was close to his apartment. Shou had agreed, probably because the food was cheap, and that had settled things.

Jun would have felt weird to insist on a fancier place. After all, he hoped they would get over with this quickly. Depending on the reaction of his bandmates, sitting with them through a three-course meal afterwards was the last thing he wanted. If worst came to worst, he wanted to be able to grab his bag and run.

“So, what did you invite us for today, Jun?”, Shou asked. It was kind of adorable how he tried to host their conversations as their band leader at times but never managed to radiate any sense of authority.

Jun shuffled on his seat and finally put down the napkin.

It was rare for them to meet outside of work and now that the tour was over, they would usually avoid seeing each other for a while. His invitation must have sparked their curiosity. Jun felt sick.

“I asked you here today, because there is something I would like to share with you”, he said and cleared his throat.

He had practiced the words out loud in front of his bathroom mirror and it had felt relieving to hear them out in the open. But he hadn’t actually told anyone yet and the nerves upset his stomach and made his mouth taste weird.

Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to tell them. It wasn’t like they needed to know after all. It was just Jun’s business. It didn’t have to affect the band if he just managed to suppress it harder.

“Please tell me you are not going to invest in another café”, Yutaka groaned. “It’s not going to work this time either.”

Jun gritted his teeth.

“No, of course it’s not that. I was insecure whenever to tell you at all, but we work together so closely, so I feel like you deserve to know.”

He inhaled deeply. This was why he had to tell them. Because if it came out another way, it might affect all of them. He had to start telling people somewhere, if he ever wanted to come to terms with himself, and the people he was working with the closest were a good start. It seemed like a relatively safe space to test for reactions, too, although he was still scared of what might happen.

“Just spit it out already”, Shou urged.

The only one who hadn’t spoken at all yet was Kenji sitting right next to him. He never liked to engage in the conversation if he felt that the atmosphere was tense, but his calm felt somehow supportive. Jun resisted the urge to lean into him, just because Kenji felt so stable. He was scared of Shou being troubled by the news and of Yutaka making fun of him. He wasn’t scared of Kenji’s reaction though.

“I’m gay!”, Jun burst out.

Everyone at the table seemed to exhale with relief. Jun wondered what they had expected him to say that could possibly be worse.

“Okay”, Shou said calmly. “Thanks for telling us, Jun. We appreciate the trust you put in us. Of course, we will support you.”

Jun was surprised by his mature response. It sounded exactly like the kind of thing you would want for a reaction.

“Woah, that’s big news”, Yutaka said and ran his hand through his hair, which made it stick up in all directions. “Congrats, man.”

Jun sensed his shoulders slumping down. It felt like a physical weight had been lifted off him. Deep down, he had been scared of his bandmates rejecting him. But even if he had assumed they wouldn’t be hateful, he had been sure they would be awkward about it and make the whole situation uncomfortable by not knowing what to reply. However, both Shou and Yutaka seemed slightly surprised but very much at ease and genuinely happy for him.

Hesitantly, Jun turned to Kenji.

“Oh my god, Jun!”, he said. “I can’t believe this. It’s such a surprise! I’d never have seen this coming. I’m stumped!” He was emphasizing every word like a very bad actor at a school play.

“Kenji?”, Jun asked quietly.

“You? Gay? I mean, what?!”, Kenji carried on.

Jun turned his head to look at Yutaka and Shou on the other side of the table.

“Okay, what’s going on?”, he wanted to know.

“Nothing! I’m just surprised!”, Kenji said.

Shou hung his head.

“Kenji”, he said with a quiet sigh.

“Seriously, dude”, Yutaka said aggressively. “We’ve rehearsed it so many times and this is the best you can do?”

“I’m sorry”, Kenji whined.

“Wait, you’ve …?” Jun’s stomach twisted. “You’ve rehearsed this?”

“We just wanted to get it right”, Shou said apologetic. “Make you feel supported and safe.”

Yutaka pointed his thumb at Shou.

“Yeah, he was very troubled and googled how to react to your friend coming out correctly. Obviously, ‘well, duh’ would have been a hurtful reaction.”

“What?”, Jun asked. He didn’t know what else to say. He felt weirdly ambushed and all the relief from earlier was gone. He had prepared for this moment so much and somehow his bandmates didn’t seem to treat it very seriously.

“Hey, Jun”, Shou said and put his hand on the table as if he wanted to reach out to Jun but didn’t dare to touch him without permission. “We wanted to be prepared just in case, because we really care for you. I know it took courage to tell us, even if we kind of figured.”

His voice was warm and gentle and it nearly made the tears well up in Jun’s eyes.

“So, it’s …”, Jun broke off, because his voice cracked. “It’s not a problem for you?”

“Honestly, Jun, I thought you were openly gay when I hired you”, Shou confessed and smiled awkwardly. “It never occurred as a problem to me.”

Jun nodded shyly and looked over at Yutaka.

Yutaka held up his open palms as if he wanted to defend himself.

“Don’t look at me, I also thought you were gay right away.”

Jun made a face. It felt ridiculous that he himself had needed so long to figure it out. He felt slightly upset that his bandmates supposedly knew him better than he knew himself, but then, it was sort of comforting to know they had accepted him for who he was, before he had been able to even accept himself.

“Seriously, Jun”, Kenji said. He sounded genuinely cheerful and less stressed now that he could talk openly. “I’m happy for you. You deserve to be yourself.”

Jun smiled down on the table plate.

“Thank you, guys”, he said quietly. “Thanks for only being moderately weird about it.”

“It’s still cool to make gay jokes though, right?”, Yutaka asked.

Jun rolled his eyes.

“Don’t worry, I wasn’t expecting you to turn into a better person all of a sudden.”

“So, you won’t be bothered by us pretending to be gay on stage?”, Shou made sure and gestured among the four of them.

It made Jun smile, because it was very typical of Shou to worry about something like that. It was also like Yutaka to be rude about it, but at least he had tried. All of them were better than Jun had been willing to give them credit for.

“It won’t be any weirder than before”, Jun said and shrugged.

Shou made a troubled face. Even his cheeks wrinkled up when he did.

“And are you planning to … you know, make it public?” He was clearly uncomfortable now and obviously addressed it only, because he felt it was his duty as their bandleader.

Jun sucked on his lower lip. He had thought about it, but he hadn’t reached a conclusion yet.

“I’m not sure”, he admitted. “On the one hand, I feel like it would be great to function as a role model for fans who are struggling with their sexuality. But then, I’m not sure if it’s worth the hassle. And I’m not sure I’m ready for it yet.”

Just telling his bandmates had been scary already and he didn’t feel prepared to step out into the spotlight.

“Alright, take your time to think about it”, Shou said. “Just whatever you want to do, I promise it won’t affect your place in the band.”

Jun nodded and his eyes did get teary now.

“Thanks”, he said. Usually, the words seemed to spill from his lips even when he tried to hold them back, but today, he felt exhausted, as if the words already spoken had been so heavy, that they counted for a hundred words each.

There was a moment of silence and Jun wondered, if they were just going to order food now and eat as if nothing had happened, while to him, it felt as if he had just disarmed a potential bomb.

“On to the important things”, Yutaka said and slapped the table. “Now that you are gay, which one of us is the cutest?”

All Jun could do was roll his eyes again visibly. At least it kept him from outright crying.

“It’s not like I suddenly turned gay overnight”, he said. “Also, I don’t look at any of you that way. You’re like my brothers. You don’t need to worry about that.”

“Come on, don’t be a prude! Who of us is the most handsome?”, Yutaka kept nagging.

Jun wanted to be annoyed with him, but it was oddly comforting that Yutaka had to be his regular obnoxious self. It assured him that nothing had changed and that his bandmates would not treat him differently. They might just make fun of him for different reasons now. Though, his sexual orientation had always been pretty high up on the list anyway.

“Well, obviously Kenji is the most handsome member”, Jun said. “But anyone can see that. You don’t need to ask a gay man for that.”

“He’s got a point there”, Shou agreed and nudged Yutaka in the shoulder.

“Fair enough”, Yutaka said and nodded as if the matter had been settled with that.

“You guys, stop it”, Kenji said and laughed embarrassedly. Jun had always liked that about Kenji; that he was able to accept compliments without questioning them and yet never let them get to his head.

“Don’t take it the wrong way though”, Jun mumbled and looked down.

He was scared of blushing, although he hadn’t stated anything he hadn’t said before. Everyone knew that Kenji was handsome and of course, Jun enjoyed looking at him. But he was also very aware, that it was Kenji he was looking at each time. And Kenji was too gentle and too sweet and too easy to talk to and too caring and funny and kind to ever look at him objectifying. He would never fantasize about having sex with Kenji, because whoever got to have sex with Kenji would automatically want to hold his hand as well and play with his hair when he was sleepy and make soup for him when he was sick and be there for him always. He was too good to want anything less with him.

“Of course”, Kenji said and a quick glance told Jun that he was looking over at Shou and Yutaka somewhat helplessly. Jun hoped he hadn’t made him uncomfortable.

“And that was all you asked us here for today?”, Yutaka asked loudly. “No offense, but you could have posted that in the group chat, you know.”

Jun didn’t believe he meant it, but it was just like Yutaka to complain before they had even ordered.

“If that was all, I think I’m actually going home. I’m not hungry anyway.”

Jun raised his eyebrows at Yutaka. It was him who had suggested the place after all and not being hungry seemed pretty out of character as well.

“Right”, Shou said. “I also have this thing. Very important. Can’t miss it. I better go now as well. Absolutely can’t stay for lunch.”

“I bare my soul to you and you just leave right after?”, Jun made sure.

“I’ll stay”, Kenji said hastily and finally, Jun figured what was going on.

“Oh, alright”, he agreed and watched Yutaka and Shou get up. “See you at work then.”

“I guess, I should …” Kenji gestured to the seats opposite to them.

“Yeah”, Jun agreed. “Sure.”

Kenji got up and sat down at the other side of the table where Shou had sat before. He took up the menu and stared down on it, as if he had really just stayed to eat something.

Jun took the chance to study his face. Kenji’s dark hair was tied up in a bun and his features were very sharp and even. Up close you could see the small lines on his face, that were the only sign betraying his age at all. They didn’t make him look worn though, just added to his overall appeal.

Jun had always been attracted to handsome men, but Kenji had never fallen into that category for him. People like Jun Matsumoto were almost fairytale like creatures to him, that existed in an entirely different realm where they didn’t notice common people like himself. But Kenji had always been very real to him. He had wrinkles at the corner of his eyes and he had a smell - of aftershave in the morning and of face paint during shootings and of sweat right after their concerts. And he had a very loud laughter and he felt warm when Jun wrapped his arms around his waist from behind and his fingertips were usually calloused. And his presence never made Jun nervous but always calmed him down.

“Listen, Jun”, Kenji said and finally put down the menu. “I’m sorry about my reaction just now. I didn’t mean to be rude or to ruin the moment. You know I’m not very good with stressful situations.”

Jun thought that it was surprisingly considerate of Shou and Yutaka to leave just so Kenji could apologize.

“Why were you stressed, though?”, Jun asked, suddenly worried that his outing had made Kenji uncomfortable, because against all odds, he was bothered by Jun’s sexuality.

“I just wanted to get it right”, Kenji said. “I know this was hard for you, so I wanted to be as supportive as possible. And Shou and Yutaka told me over and over again to act surprised, so it would be your moment and your time to let us know, you know?”

Jun smirked and nodded. He was pretty sure that they hadn’t come up with that themselves. It sounded like advice Shou had most likely found on the internet.

“I really appreciate how much thought you guys put into it”, he said. “I do feel supported by you. It went over a lot better than I anticipated.”

He wouldn’t have admitted that in front of Shou and Yutaka, but with Kenji, it was easy to say it out loud. Jun had always felt the closest to him.

“Yutaka is probably mad at me, though”, Kenji said. “He really did make me practice.”

Jun chuckled. The idea of his bandmates rehearsing his coming out in a roleplay was pretty hilarious once he stopped to think about it.

“I thought it was a stupid idea to act surprised, though”, Kenji carried on. “It’s just, that I wouldn’t have been surprised regardless of who came out to me.”

Jun studied Kenji’s face closely. It was indeed hard to imagine him being scandalized by a coming out or judging another person based on their preference in a partner. Kenji wasn’t a very judgemental person.

“I never viewed sexuality as something so rigid”, Kenji explained. “You just happen to like someone, but it’s always because you get along well with them. And sometimes you get along well with women and sometimes with men, and maybe you only ever met women you liked and some day you meet one man and that’s okay too. I just always felt like there are more relevant criteria for liking someone than their gender.”

Slowly, Jun nodded. He couldn’t help wonder, if Kenji just viewed other people like that and it didn’t matter to him whom his friends dated, or if it was how he himself felt. He didn’t dare to ask though, if Kenji himself had ever happened to like another man before or if he was at least open to the possibility.

“That sounds nice”, Jun said and he really meant it. It was comforting to know that in Kenji’s eyes, you could always change and evolve without becoming invalid.

“How did you realize you’re …?” Kenji broke off. “I mean, what made you decide to tell us now? I don’t know how to put this.”

“Well, I didn’t wake up one morning and knew I was gay. It was more of a gradual process. And I just came to accept it now. I thought it would be good to tell you while there are no tour dates coming up and we could avoid each other in case things got ugly.”

“You should have known no one was going to judge you”, Kenji said softly.

“It’s hard to shake the fear anyway. Not so much of being insulted and kicked out of the band, but of you guys viewing me differently. Like, maybe you’ll feel uncomfortable getting naked in front of me from now on or something. I was scared of things changing. I still am.”

Once again, Jun realized how easy it was to confine in Kenji. He trusted him like no one else.

“I can assure you, there is absolutely nothing that could make me uncomfortable getting naked in front of anyone”, Kenji declared with such passion, that Jun couldn’t help snorting with laughter. He believed him though.

“Thanks, Kenji”, he said. He was still astonished by how life just went on and neither him nor his bandmates seemed to have changed.

“So, there is no one?”, Kenji asked and for the first time did he sound hesitant.

It took Jun a moment to understand the question.

“You mean, someone to cause my gay awakening? Some guy that swept me off my feet? No, nothing like that. It was more of an internal process. I’m not seeing anyone, in case you think that’s why I told you now. There have been crushes of course, that make a whole lot more sense in hindsight, now that I can see them for what they really were. And meetings with one guy, that looking back must have been dates without me being able to admit it. But nothing serious. I wasn’t ready for it yet.”

“And now?”, Kenji wanted to know.

Jun shrugged. The conversation was starting to make him queasy.

“Of course, I want to date. Or really just …” Jun wondered if it was okay to speak explicitly, but then, it was just Kenji. “Or just make out with a hot guy now that I can admit that’s what I want. But I’ve never been the most social person and I don’t see myself going out to gay bars to find someone to hook up with. For me, the most important thing is openly living as myself from now on. We’ll see what else happens.”

“You know, I’m widely considered to be a hot guy”, Kenji pointed out and laughed. Even when his laughter was so clearly embarrassed, it was still loud. “I know, you said we’re like brothers to you. But if you ever change your mind and want to gather some experience, then I’d be here for it.”

“That’s a very generous offer”, Jun said and tried to sound sarcastic in case Kenji was joking, but not too sarcastic in case he was just trying to be nice. “A little weird though. I don’t need a pity make-out session.”

“I didn’t mean it like that”, Kenji said gently. “But I told you, to me it only matters that you like a person. And I’ve always really liked you, Junjun. I just thought you should know.”

“Oh, okay”, Jun mumbled. He had no idea what that was supposed to mean. He wished Kenji would have been clearer. Was that meant as a confession? Or did it just mean that Kenji wasn’t physically appalled by him? The idea that Kenji might actually be in love with him seemed so absurd, that Jun assumed he just took being friendly to someone he cared about a little too far.

“So, if you ever want to spend the night, you can give me a call”, Kenji clarified and Jun thought that the offer sounded very casual indeed.

He cleared his throat.

“I don’t think that would work”, he said apologetic. “You’re just not the type of guy you call for the night.”

Kenji looked down on himself and for a moment, it seemed almost comical as if he was checking if he was suddenly caught in a less attractive body.

“It’s pretty much what people do, though”, Kenji said and briefly, Jun saw the insecurity in his eyes. He saw the genuine confusion what anyone could want with him otherwise, and the hurt that came from always being a fairytale creature to people and never real.

“You’re the type of guy you invite for dinner”, Jun clarified. “The type of guy you rent movies with and whom you make breakfast in the morning. The type of guy you take to meet your parents and whom you give keys to your apartment. You’re the type of guy where you do everything to get it right if you are lucky enough to have a chance.”

He hadn’t meant to say all that, to give away that much of how he felt. But the thought of anyone treating Kenji any different made him furious.

Kenji didn’t look taken aback though. His sharp features looked very soft all of a sudden and his eyes shone wetly. Kenji’s emotional face was as open and honest as his happy expression.

He put his hand onto the table between them with his palm up. Jun studied his hand for a moment, before he carefully reached out to put his own into it. Just a few months ago, he wouldn’t have dared to do something like that in a public space. But he had come here today to finally be open about who he was and what he wanted. And it felt freeing, but it was more than that. He had never dared to believe that if he just accepted himself, he could one day be this happy.

“Alright”, Kenji said softly. “How about we start with dinner then?”

„I’ll get some snacks!“, Yutaka shouted as soon as the car pulled to an halt.

Jun got out on his side of the backseat. He stretched his arms, trying to relax after the long ride. Neither of them was a morning person and they had left Tokyo well past noon. By now, it wasn’t quite dark yet, but twilight had already set in. The streetlights across the parking lot were illuminating their surroundings.

They would arrive at the hotel shortly, but luckily Shou had insisted on a toilet break and Yutaka had whined about his low blood pressure and needing something to eat urgently. Of course, they had stopped only an hour ago for an early dinner, but that certainly didn’t inflict Yutaka’s appetite.

Jun was relieved about the last stop. When he had called the hotel from the restaurant, no one had picked up. The change would come at a short notice now, but at least there was still hope it would be possible to alter their reservation.

“I’m going to look for the toilets”, Shou announced. Yutaka had already dashed across the parking lot and vanished inside the nearest store.

“I’ll check out the store”, Kenji said and looked over at Jun, who shook his head.

“I just want to catch some fresh air”, he lied. It was too warm to spend time outside actually, but he needed an excuse to be left alone. He thought of the air conditioning inside the store and almost grew weak. Although the sun was nearly gone, the air still felt stifling. But he couldn’t give in, even if the chances he’d get through to the hotel this time were low. It was his duty to try. Someone had to. And no one was in a better position than him.

Kenji shrugged and Jun looked after him and Shou taking off, before he got out his phone.

The thing was, that Jun was Kiryuuin Shou’s biggest fan.

He had been from the very first moment he had seen him on stage. He was funny and charismatic and creative and talented and he deserved the world. Jun knew that his admiration seemed more appropriate for a fanboy than for a bandmate. But he didn’t really work with Shou on the music or even the stage programs. Just like the fans, he got confronted with the finished product. And the product always made him marvel at Shou’s wit and genius. Jun wasn’t ashamed to refer to himself as a fanboy, even if he tried to limit his outbursts in Shou’s presence, not to make his bandleader uncomfortable. But as his fanboy, Jun wanted nothing but to see Shou happy. He would do anything to provide him with the happiness he deserved.

Unfortunately, Shou seemed blind to what would make him happy. After all those years, he was still oblivious. But Jun knew. He knew better than Shou what Shou needed and he would make sure he got it in the end.

Jun would make sure, that Kiryuuin Shou noticed his love for Kyan Yutaka, and if it was the last thing he did.

Funnily enough, Yutaka didn’t seem to have noticed, either, that his perfect partner was right in front of him. They treated each other like friends. They were oblivious to the amazing couple they could be.

But even if Shou and Yutaka couldn’t see it yet, Jun had noticed. He had noticed all the small touches, the affectionate gestures, the looks they exchanged. They were meant to be. Jun lived of those little moments, their playful fights, the screenshots the fans posted. They made him trust in the fact that love was real.

He dialled the number of the hotel they were supposed to stay at before the shooting tomorrow.

From Tokyo it was quite a long trip and Kenji had driven all the way so far. Jun had tried to secure the passenger seat for himself - to enable Shou and Yutaka to spend more time together on the backseat, where it was a little more private and their hands could brush against each other accidently, or where on of them could watch the other in secret, while he dozed off. Unfortunately, Shou had won the game of rock, paper, scissor, though, and it was Jun, who had ended up on the backseat with Yutaka. He had been sulking for the entire ride.

Jun pressed the phone to his ear. The screen had heat up and felt uncomfortably warm against his cheek. His shirt was sticking to his back with sweat, too.

It took a while for someone to pick up, but finally the voice of a woman greeted him.

“Hello?”, she asked.

Jun cleared his throat, suddenly nervous. He looked around the parking lot to make sure no one was in earshot. It wasn’t the first time he pulled tricks like this, but he always felt like a criminal. Shou would get mad, if he knew.

“Hello, I’m from Golden Bomber”, he said. “The band that will stay at your hotel tonight. Our staff booked two rooms for us.”

He waited a moment for the woman to check their reservation on her computer.

“Is there a problem with the booking? Would you like to cancel?”, she asked.

“No, no.” Jun spoke hastily now, worried the others might come back, before he had made all the necessary arrangements. “I was just wondering, if we could arrange a change of rooms?”

“I need your booking code for that”, the woman said apologetic. “To confirm your authorization.”

“Sure”, Jun mumbled and quoted the booking code from memory. He had read the confirmation mail their staff had forwarded to them over and over again, until he knew it by heart.

“Great”, the woman announced. “You have booked two rooms with twin beds. Would you like separate rooms? I need to check our capacities for that.”

“No.” Jun cleared his throat again. “You see, this is a little embarrassing. But I would like to change one of the rooms to a regular double bed.”

“That is no problem”, the woman said, still friendly and very professional.

“And, uhm, if I could ask you to be, you know, a little private about it?”, Jun asked. “Me and my bandmate are, you see, kind of an item. But our colleagues don’t know about it. So, it would be good, if it looked like a booking mistake. Like, oops, we only have one twin bed room left. Two of you will have to share a bed. No single rooms available. Would that be possible?”

Although the woman could not see him, Jun felt himself blushing. He felt embarrassed at the thought she might assume he was in a secret relationship with one of the other guys. To Jun, that thought was ridiculous and absurd of course. But she might buy into it. He had figured he’d have to tell this little lie, though, for the greater cause. Shou and Yutaka would thank him later, in a few years, during their anniversary celebration.

“That is no problem at all”, the woman confirmed. “We are here to be of service.”

“Thank you”, Jun said. “We should arrive in about thirty minutes.”

“We are looking forward to your stay”, the woman said.

They exchanged their goodbyes and Jun hung up with a sigh of relief. He hadn’t actually expected it to work out this smoothly. But he had done it. He had done his part to make the world a slightly better place, in which Shou and Yutaka would love each other.

“You called the hotel”, a voice behind him announced.

Jun flinched hard, but relaxed immediately when he turned around and found Kenji standing behind him.

“You are scheming something again, aren’t you?”

Jun smiled slyly.

“I changed our reservation, so Shou and Yutaka will have to share a bed”, he declared proudly.

Kenji sighed and shook his head slightly. The heat didn’t really seem to bother him. While Jun felt awkward and sweaty, Kenji looked like he was modelling for a calendar shooting right now. Relaxed and handsome and in very good shape.

“They will be so mad, if they find out”, he said. “You should really just leave them alone. You can’t force something like that.”

Jun crossed the arms in front of his chest.

“I’m not forcing it”, he said. “I’m helping the natural course of things along.”

Kenji shook his head again.

“I don’t understand, why you want them to be together so badly. They obviously don’t care for each other romantically.”

Jun wiped his forehead absentmindedly. He considered running up to the shop as well to get himself something cold to drink. But then, Shou and Yutaka would probably be back shortly and he didn’t want to delay their trip.

“You don’t understand”, he claimed. He had always been very open with Kenji about his feelings for Shou and Yutaka. Kenji had never shared his enthusiasm, though. He did not seem to believe in their love as much as Jun did.

“They would make each other happy, if they just realized, what is right in front of them. Yutaka is actually very caring of Shou, Shou just doesn’t see it.”

Jun pulled on his shirt, hoping to prevent it from clinging to his chest even more. It was just too hot.

To his surprise, Kenji held out a full water bottle to him. It hadn’t been opened yet and the condensed water on the outside indicated that it had only just left the fridge. It would be cool and refreshing.

“Here”, Kenji said. “When you wanted to stay behind, I figured it was something stupid like that, and not that you didn’t want anything. I thought you’d like a cool drink, so I brought a bottle of water for you.”

Jun took the bottle gratefully and unscrewed the lid. That was typical of Kenji. He was very thoughtful. He also knew that Jun despised the sweet, artificial drinks, that Yutaka and Shou would have chosen.

Greedily Jun drank. The water was so cold, it hurt while he swallowed. He breathed out with relief.

“Thanks”, he announced and put the lid back onto the bottle. “Anyway, what Yutaka and Shou share is really special. Yutaka has always supported Shou, even if he thought some of his ideas were very stupid. To believe so fully in someone and wanting to see them happy even if you disagree – that’s love.”

“I disagree, but whatever you say”, Kenji said and smirked. He had a handsome smirk, too.

Jun turned the water bottle between his hands. His palms were wet from the condensation.

He wished Kenji would understand how much this meant to him.

“Ah, seems they are back”, Kenji observed and nodded across the parking lot.

Jun turned his head and felt something in his chest tightening. There they were, coming out of the grocery store together. After shopping together. Like a couple.

“Hey, Kenji”, Shou called out. “I can drive the last bit, if you are tired. It might be stressful to find the hotel and you drove for quite a while already. Unless you want to.”

“No, that would be great, I could need a break”, Kenji said and tossed the keys at Shou, who had gotten quite close by now.

Shou missed the keys and they hit the ground. He had to bent over and pick them up from the dirty pavement. He did so gingerly. It looked pretty awkward.

“Idiot”, Yutaka scolded him. He took a hearty bite out of an energy bar. The corner of his mouth was already smeared with chocolate. “How can anyone be that clumsy?”

“At least I can eat with dignity”, Shou replied and shot Yutaka a sour glance.

Jun thought their gentle bickering was adorable.

“Can I take the passenger seat now?”, Yutaka changed the topic.

Jun thought that would be a great idea. It would enable Yutaka to gaze at Shou longingly from the side, while Shou kept his eyes on the road, painfully aware of Yutaka’s presence right next to him. Oh, the longing, the pining.

“Actually”, Shou said. “I think Kenji should take the passenger seat. His legs are the longest. He always looks so cramped on the backseat. It can’t be comfortable.”

“According to that logic, you should have traded your seat with Jun earlier”, Yutaka muttered.

Shou shrugged and unlocked the car.

“I’m the leader of this band. The laws of logic don’t apply to me.”

Jun nudged Kenji in the side.

Kenji looked at him. Jun raised his eyebrows.

Kenji exhaled a little too soundly.

“Yutaka can have the passenger seat. I don’t care.”

Jun beamed at him, while he got in on the back himself. Kenji was reliable. Jun could always count on him.

Shou took a while to adjust the driver seat, so he was able to reach the gas pedal at all. Then he started the car, following the instructions of their navigation device.

Jun watched him for a moment. Shou always looked very focused while driving. Jun was surprised he had offered to take over at all. He didn’t mind driving as much as Jun did, but he wasn’t at ease as much as Kenji and Yutaka. He looked pretty, when he was concentrated, though. Jun hoped that Yutaka noticed.

He turned to look at Yutaka. He wasn’t looking at Shou, but out the window. Jun frowned.

He shot a quick glance over at Kenji, who had rested his head against the window and closed his eyes. His features looked very relaxed and even, when he was dozing off like that.

Jun turned his attention back onto Yutaka, staring at the back of his head as if he hoped to make him look over at Shou by sheer force of will.

It didn’t work. Yutaka kept gazing out the window. Jun felt highly frustrated with his bandmates. All three of them did not to understand how romance was supposed to work. At least the air conditioning was working in the car. Jun’s body started to cool down. He felt somewhat less gross and sweaty already.

When they pulled into the parking lot of the hotel, he almost dreaded getting out of the car because of the heat. After fixing his luggage from the trunk, Jun felt sweaty again. This wasn’t the season for travelling. It was the season for staying at home and hardly moving at all.

He dragged his suitcase into the lobby of the hotel. Shou and Yutaka only had backpacks with them, Kenji something that looked like a training bag. Only Jun had brought a suitcase and it was actually quite heavy. He regretted not packing more lightly.

Behind the reception desk a young woman with bangs greeted them. Jun wondered, if she was the one, he had talked to on the phone. He hoped she wouldn’t recognize him. Maybe he should have disguised his voice. The safest thing would be to stay quiet.

“Hello, nice to meet you.” As usual, it was Shou who took over the talking. “It’s Golden Bomber. We reserved two rooms for tonight.”

“Yes, of course.” The receptionist beamed at them. “Two twin bed rooms, is that correct?”

Jun’s throat started to feel uncomfortable dry. He licked his lips. Had his plan failed? Had the booking not been changed? Would Shou and Yutaka stay oblivious to their true love forever?

The woman turned to her computer.

“Oh, dear”, she said. She sounded genuinely sorry. Jun was quite sure now, that he recognized her voice from the phone. “I just see there has been a problem with your reservation. We only have one twin bed room left.”

Jun could not see Shou’s expression, since he was standing behind him. Yutaka groaned soundly, though. He still had chocolate sticking to his cheek.

“We can only offer you a regular double bed”, the receptionist continued. Jun had to give her credit for staying throughout professional. If it was up to him, he’d nominate her for the Oscars. “The price will stay the same of course.”

Shou turned around, looking at them questioningly.

“We could split up and look for another hotel. But I’m not sure it’s worth the trouble”, he observed.

“It’s not like we didn’t share beds before”, Jun said hastily.

He was aware that Kenji watched him from the side and was probably smirking.

“Well, I don’t care”, Yutaka said.

Jun took that as a good sign. Of course, he didn’t care. Secretly, he hoped to press his small, sexy body against Shou’s small, sexy body, embracing him, placing kisses all over …

“Okay, we’ll take it”, Shou said and turned back to the receptionist.

She handed him two key cards after he signed the papers.

“307 is the one with the twin beds. 306 the double bed one”, she explained sweetly. “Unfortunately, our elevator is out of service currently. You’ll have to take the stairs. We can get someone to carry your luggage, if you wish.”

Shou waved it off.

Jun thought he had been a little fast to decline the offer. After all, Shou only carried a backpack. It was Jun, who would have to drag a heavy suitcase to the third floor.

“Well, I’m sorry about the inconvenience, guys”, Shou said and held the card with the number 306 out to Kenji demonstratively.

Kenji hesitated and cast a quick glance over at Jun. Jun glared at him. Kenji did not take the card.

“Actually”, he said, obviously highly uncomfortable. Jun knew how much Kenji hated to pick an argument with about anyone. “I think you guys should share the bed. You are much smaller than me and Jun after all.”

Shou furrowed his brow.

“Also”, Jun chimed in. “Yutaka said he wouldn’t mind.”

“Sure, I don’t mind, loser”, Yutaka agreed. “Because I’m sleeping in a twin bed anyway. I don’t care how cramped up you and Kenji are sleeping.”

Jun stared at him wide-eyed. He couldn’t believe his plan would fail like that.

“But … but …”, he stammered. “It’s my birthday this month! Let me chose the room.”

“You wish”, Shou said. “Yutaka may be small, but he takes up the most space. So, we ought to get the twin beds.”

Jun turned to Kenji for help.

Kenji made a face, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. It looked oddly cute. He moved like a child, who had gotten caught doing something forbidden. His body was much too tall for such a gesture.

“I think Jun is right”, he said hesitantly. “Doesn’t he deserve to chose his room this month?”

Shou exhaled gravely.

“Fine”, he agreed. “I can share the twin bed room with Jun then. You guys take the double bed.”

“Oi!”, Yutaka shouted. “Don’t make it sound like a sacrifice! If you want Jun to sleep in a twin bed so badly, you can share the bed with Kenji!”

“Rock, paper, scissor?”, Shou suggested.

Yutaka shrugged.

Jun started to panic. Splitting Shou and Yutaka up would be even worse than them not sharing the bed. He hadn’t considered this option at all.

“Fine!”, he shouted hysteric. “We’ll take the double bed. You guys share the twin bed room.”

He snatched the key with the number 306 from Shou’s hand and picked up his suitcase. It was really heavy, but the weight wouldn’t have been a huge problem for Jun. The problem was, that he was awkward and not very good at carrying unwieldy objects in general. He dragged the luggage up the first three steps, aware that he looked completely ridiculous and didn’t exactly manage to storm off impressively.

He was highly upset. Why did Shou and Yutaka struggle against their happiness like that?

“Hey, let me take that”, Kenji said gently and caught up to him, taking the suitcase out of Jun’s hand. He carried it up the stairs easily, his gym bag in the other hand. The weight didn’t seem to bother him at all.

Jun followed him up the stairs, listening closely if Shou and Yutaka were bickering behind them, but they stayed quiet.

On the third floor, they found their doors easily. Of course, they were right next to each other. Kenji dropped Jun’s suitcase, while he waited for him to unlock the door.

Jun waited a moment, until Shou had unlocked the door to the room next to them. Somehow, he was still hoping for a change of mind.

Shou opened the door, holding it open for Yutaka, who walked past him. Jun waited until the door had fallen shut behind them, before he turned back to their own lock.

“Did you see that?”, he asked Kenji excitedly. “Shou held the door open for Yutaka! Usually, they are not that polite around each other. Maybe he is starting to acknowledge his feelings for him? I mean, holding the door open for him has to mean something! You don’t get treatment like that from just anyone. Shou was acting like a real gentleman!”

Jun pushed open their door and entered first.

“A real gentleman, indeed”, Kenji said somewhat dryly, took up Jun’s suitcase again and followed him into the room.

Jun stood frozen and stared onto the bed. It was a double bed alright, but not a very large one. It would be impossible to avoid body contact in it.

“Are you kidding me?”, Jun howled out. “It’s so small! Two people will be pressed together in there!”

“Well”, Kenji said apologetic. “If it’s bothering you, I can …”

Jun turned around to stare at Kenji wide-eyed.

“It would have been perfect!”

Jun imagined Shou and Yutaka having to share that small double bed. Damn, that would have been hot.

Kenji sighed and dropped Jun’s suitcase on the left side of the bed. He knew that Jun preferred to sleep closer to the window than to the door.

Jun sat down on the edge of the bed and hung his head low.

“I was this close”, he muttered. “This close to making all of my dreams come true.”

“If they are attracted to each other, they will figure it out in twin beds, too”, Kenji tried to comfort him.

Jun looked up to him and managed a thankful smile.

“I appreciate you trying, though”, he said. “It’s nice you support me in this. I know you don’t believe in their love.”

Kenji shrugged and started to unpack his things from the training bag.

“Do you mind, if I take a shower first?”, Jun asked. “I feel sweaty and disgusting. I really can’t force you to sleep next to me like that.”

Kenji smiled at him.

“I don’t think you are disgusting, ever”, he said. “But sure, you can go first.”

Jun collected his stuff from the suitcase, before entering the bath. He always brought a lot of cosmetics with him on trips. His hair was usually dry from dying it so often and his skin needed a lot of care, too. That was probably, why his suitcase was always so heavy. That, and the fact that he couldn’t settle for an outfit beforehand and always took too many clothes.

He stepped under the shower, and allowed the warm water to wash away his worries. He wondered, if Shou and Yutaka were taking a shower right now, too. Probably not together, Jun didn’t get his hopes up like that. But maybe Yutaka walked around the room with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist afterwards, Shou’s eyes following him through the room, taking in his bare skin and wondering, why the sight made him feel so flustered. He’d blush and Yutaka would notice, gently teasing him about it. It wouldn’t cause the ultimate confession yet, of course, just set the right atmosphere for what was going to happen later. Jun knew how stories like these were supposed to go.

He tried not to imagine things between his bandmates too vividly under the shower, though. It got him a little too excited. Two handsome men like that. Way more handsome than Jun himself at least. They would surely look good together.

He turned off the water, drying himself off with a fluffy, white towel. He wrapped it around his waist while getting ready for bed applying moisturizer, brushing his teeth, combing his hair.

Then he walked back into the room. Nudity had never been a big deal between him and Kenji. For Kenji nudity never seemed to be a big deal in any context. Jun did not feel embarrassed, even as Kenji watched him now, while he searched his suitcase for the pyjamas.

“Are you done?”, Kenji assured, after Jun had gotten dressed again and fixed himself a book to read a page before going to sleep.

“Sure”, Jun assured and made himself comfortable on the bed. “You can use the bath now.”

He watched Kenji as he got up and disappeared into the bathroom. Those hotel rooms always seemed too small for Kenji. It wasn’t just his height and his broad shoulders that looked weird in this cramped place with the small bed. Kenji usually seemed to burst with joy and enthusiasm and the small room seemed unable to contain his whole personality. When it came to character, Kenji deserved to be on a huge stage all the time, Jun thought.

He turned towards the book he was holding without even opening it.

He thought of Shou and Yutaka next door again. If something happened between them, would he even know? Would they tell their bandmates? For all that Jun knew, they might be in a happy relationship for years already. Shou hadn’t seemed too pleased with the possibility of changing roommates. But then, why not take the chance of sharing the bed? Maybe Yutaka really used up too much space in his sleep.

Jun put aside his book and checked his phone instead. He loved checking out the posts of fans, whom he followed with his fake account. There were usually cute pictures of Shou and Yutaka together. Sometimes, very rarely, there were pictures of himself, too. He always scrolled past them very fast.

Of course, occasionally he felt weird about swooning over his bandmates like this. When he wanted to see them, he didn’t have to stare at pictures on his phone like a creep. He could go over next door and knock. It was different for the fans, who didn’t know them in person. Jun should have a little more respect for their privacy. However, there was something soothing in fading in with the crowd of fans. They all wanted the same thing. They wanted Shou and Yutaka happy together. It was a goal they shared, something that made Jun escape from his own life and his own worries for a little while.

Kenji entered the room again. Jun looked up shortly. Kenji was naked. He hadn’t even bothered with a towel around his waist. Jun looked back onto his mobile screen.

There was a moment of silence, in which Kenji towelled off his hair.

“You think we could hear them, if they banged?”, Jun asked without looking up. “The walls seem to be quite thin.”

Kenji chuckled.

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to happen”, he observed.

Jun sighed.

“You are right. They have twin beds. Nothing will happen between them”, he agreed.

Kenji pulled a goofy face. It did nothing to hide his handsomeness, though.

“I don’t think the problem is the beds.”

Jun shook his head and finally lowered his phone to get a better look at Kenji. He kept his eyes fixed on Kenji’s face, though.

“If they had to share the bed, they’d surely have sex. If there is only one bed, the potential couple is bound to have sex. Don’t you read at all? It’s science.”

Kenji snorted and put the towel over the backrest of the armchair by the window.

“I don’t see how that should be science”, he said.

“Well, think of all the sexual tension it would create. Shou and Yutaka in a bed together this small. Their limbs would brush against each other. They could sense each other’s body heat. The sexual tension would get sheer unbearable. There is only one blanket, too. They’d have to snuggle up to each other, painfully aware of only the thin layer of clothing keeping them apart.”

“Yeah, about the clothing”, Kenji interrupted him. “I kind of thought we’d have separate beds and you know I prefer to sleep naked. I didn’t bring pyjamas. You won’t feel harassed by that, will you?”

Jun waved it off absentmindedly. He had spent so much time around naked Kenji already, sleeping next to him like that wouldn’t feel weird at all.

“Sure, I don’t care”, he said nonchalantly and turned back to his phone.

Kenji pulled back the blanket to sneak in next to Jun. The bed really was small and Kenji took up a large part of it. His upper arm was resting against Jun’s, but there wasn’t enough space for either of them to back off. This would be a very cuddly night.

“Don’t tell me you’re staring at pictures of them again?”, Kenji assured and peaked over Jun’s shoulder.

Jun shuffled a little closer, snuggling up against Kenji’s shoulder, so Kenji could get a good look at his phone screen, too.

“Look at this!”, he said and zoomed in. “The way Yutaka looks at Shou here. Full of hunger and greed and longing and affection. He is clearly in love.”

Kenji sighed. Jun could feel the heaving of his chest against himself.

“I think he is looking past Shou at the buffet actually. You remember? There was a live barbecue that day.”

Jun flicked his tongue and he pulled back from Kenji again, trying to create a distance that was impossible to achieve in the small bed.

“You just lack sense of romance”, he declared.

Kenji gave nothing but a low hum.

Eventually Jun put his mobile aside, picking up his book again. He held it in his hands indecisively. Reading a novel was surely more acceptable than engaging in weird fantasies about his colleagues. But he felt weirdly distracted and unfocused.

“Hey, Jun”, Kenji said softly.

Jun turned his head, surprised to find Kenji had rolled to his side and was watching him currently.

“Why is it so important to you? This whole thing with Shou and Yutaka? It’s really starting to get out of hand lately. I don’t mean to lecture you. I’m worried.”

Jun sighed and put his book back onto the bedside table. He didn’t know where to look, so he kept his eyes on the opposite wall.

“Reality is just unsatisfying”, he confessed lowly. “I’m feeling sick with worry all the time and just … dizzy with everything that’s going on currently. I need to believe in something nice.”

“But why them?”, Kenji asked. He had dropped the topic many times before already, but Jun had the feeling, that today he would keep pushing. “You could believe in world peace. Or romantic comedies. Why Shou and Yutaka?”

Jun exhaled soundly, then he rolled over, too, so he could face Kenji. He was the only one with whom he had ever talked about his obsession. With Kenji he didn’t have secrets. It was work that had brought them together. He knew a handsome, sporty guy like Kenji would never had ended up in Jun’s company otherwise. Still, he was his best friend.

“I just want to believe that a love like that exists. Supporting someone else with a crazy concept like an air band. Always fighting, but knowing you’ll never break up, because your love is just too strong, turning all the arguments gentle and playful. I want to believe someone could look at me the way that … Yutaka looks at barbecues.”

Kenji chuckled at Jun’s admittance. He remembered where Yutaka had looked that day. It hadn’t been at Shou.

“Also”, Jun added. “I really admire you guys, but especially Shou. He is a huge role model for me. It would mean so much to me, if … if we were the same, you know? If he validated the things I felt. It would be great to know he’s in love with another man.”

Kenji reached out, gently touching Jun’s lower arm.

“Hey”, he said quietly. “You don’t need him to feel the same to be valid. And if it’s about wanting to be loved … why don’t you ask for something for yourself? Why not fantasize about Shou yourself, if you admire him so much?”

Jun could hear the hesitation in Kenji’s voice. He didn’t seem too excited about the perspective of Jun crushing on Shou.

Jun smiled sadly.

“I don’t know, for me, the world just seems to be on hard mode. I don’t really believe I could ever find that kind of love and keep it. It’s unrealistic. I want to believe it’s possible for them, though. They deserve it.”

“You deserve it, too”, Kenji said.

“Also, imagining them together is just hot”, Jun added. “I can’t imagine anything that hot involving myself. I’m awkward. I’d ruin my own fantasy.”

Kenji chuckled again and nudged Jun’s chin lightly.

“Okay, fine”, he said, obviously not willing to argue, although he usually scolded Jun for being too self-deprecating. “But why Shou and Yutaka? You might as well ship me with one of them.”

“They have chemistry”, Jun snorted, trying to dismiss the question.

“I do have chemistry with Yutaka as well”, Kenji clarified. “We’re close. And you know, that I actually do like men. Neither Shou nor Yutaka ever confirmed something like that. It would be logical to think of me first.”

Jun looked at Kenji’s chest, instead of meeting his eyes.

He imagined Kenji kissing Yutaka. It didn’t cause the warm fluttering in his chest, that he experienced whenever he imagined Shou and Yutaka together. Instead, his whole stomach bolted and he felt like throwing up.

He raised his gaze, meeting Kenji’s eyes. Their dark brown was tender, as always when he looked at Jun.

“I’m not good at asking for things myself”, Jun confessed quietly, his voice hoarse. “That doesn’t mean I’m selfless. Even if I don’t dare to want something, it doesn’t mean I can bring myself to share.”

Even if Jun didn’t dare to watch Kenji for too long, while he dozed off in the car. Even if he didn’t dare to think about the fact that he wasn’t wearing any clothes right now too intensely. He couldn’t bring himself to even imagine Kenji kissing someone else.

“You know”, Kenji said and reached for Jun’s hand. He took it and placed it against his chest, right above his heart, holding it in place. Jun could not sense his heartbeat, but he sensed how warm Kenji’s body felt and how smooth his skin. “You are allowed to want.”

Jun swallowed hard. He had known he was allowed to want for a long time already. Kenji had made that more than obvious. But still, Jun hadn’t dared.

“If it’s Shou and Yutaka”, he started hesitantly. “It’s not my fault, if it doesn’t work out. I can hope, and I can fantasize. But I don’t have to act on it and I can’t do anything wrong, that will ruin it. I can be happy, when I think about them, but I don’t have to be scared. It will never be my fault and it will never be me getting heartbroken. There is always a risk when you want things for yourself.”

“Don’t be scared”, Kenji whispered.

And Jun looked at him and finally allowed himself to let his eyes linger. He saw Kenji’s handsome features, his beautiful smile, his dark eyes - that always followed Jun through every room. And he allowed himself to feel his body against himself, the heat they were sharing underneath the one blanket. And with Kenji this close to himself, he hardly felt scared at all.

 *

“Oh no”, Yutaka groaned, when the moaning started. The walls of the hotel were so thin, they were able to hear everything perfectly.

If it had been possible to get degrees for personal talents, Jun would have gotten a MA on fanboying. He would also have gotten a PhD on denial.

There were several things he had to be in constant denial of to make his life bearable. Although he was living the fanboy’s dream to play in a band and meet long-admired artists, he also had to deal with the fact, that his band members were complete idiots 50% and naked 99% of the time. He had to focus on the respect he felt for their band leader and on how much he loved the cheering of the crowd. It was worth ignoring every other aspect of his current lifestyle and it was this philosophy of denial that had steered him through the last years safely.

What Jun was denying this very moment, however, was how nice Kenji’s arm felt around his waist.

“I can walk on my own, really”, he said again, although he had said it at least three times since leaving the hotel without any result.

He himself had suggested to just stay in the lobby while waiting for whatever was going on in their hotel room – a closer definition was not allowed by Jun’s philosophy, because the possibilities all felt highly unsettling to him – to end. But Kenji had insisted on walking to the park they had been able to see from their window.

“You should go easy on your foot. Even if it doesn’t feel too bad now, you shouldn’t strain your ankle too much”, Kenji said.

Jun was leaning onto him heavily and even through all those untypical lairs of clothes he could feel how lean and strong Kenji’s body was. The sensation made him feel even weaker in a way that had nothing to do with his ankle, but was all about his stomach and his knees.

“That’s why I wanted to stay in the lobby”, he pointed out huffily, partly to convince himself that he was annoyed with Kenji and nothing else.

“But it’s much nicer here, isn’t it?”, Kenji returned.

Jun had to admit that he was right. The park around them was green and neatly trimmed in spite of the weather that wasn’t quite spring yet. The low temperature had caused most people to stay at home today and the only strollers in sight were a young mother pushing a buggy in front of her and an old man with full, grey hair. The atmosphere was calm and peaceful and for a place in the middle of the city it was surprisingly quiet as well.

“It’s nice”, Jun admitted.

“Want to sit down?”, Kenji suggested and led him over to a park bench nearby.

His warm body vanished from Jun’s side and he suddenly felt cold.

“Here, careful”, Kenji said and waited for Jun to sit down, before he placed himself next to him.

Jun hated it when Kenji put on that caring attitude. He hated it when he spoke so friendly and when his touch was so gentle. It was far easier to deal with him, when he was being silly or annoying. Jun could just be angry at him then. But when he was acting so nice and mature, his feelings were a lot more nuanced than that. Jun didn’t like nuanced. He preferred angry.

Jun cast a side glance at Kenji.

He also hated his bare face, that was only covered by a large pair of sunglasses right now.

Jun loved ikemen. He loved them to a point that was almost questionable. But why did Kenji – that stupid, silly and stupid man driving him crazy all the time – have to be so goddamn handsome? The lines of his face were perfect and clean. No one should have such a symmetric face. Or such a well-shaped body, for the matter.

“What?”, Kenji asked. Obviously, he had caught him staring.

Hastily Jun licked his lips, trying to look somewhere else. All ikemen made him nervous. Unfortunately, Kenji was no exception, even if he knew him so well.

“I’m just wondering when we will be able to go back”, he lied.

“From what I have seen, it might take a while. Yutaka and Shou are probably just …”

Jun pretended to cover his ears when really, he tried to hide that he was starting to blush.

“Don’t say it, I don’t want to think about it”, he begged.

“Are you embarrassed to think of two adult men …”, Kenji started, but Jun interrupted him, before he could finish the dreadful sentence.

He had used the same voice that he always used when he was teasing Jun, trying to shock him with explicit statements.

“Kenji!”, Jun shouted, his voice breaking off at the edges. It always happened to him when he felt that certain panic rising up inside of him as if his carefully build wall of denial was about to be crushed. He knew he sounded hysteric. “They are our friends. And we are sharing rooms with them. I’m just worried the dynamics of the band will get weird.”

Kenji waved it off. He was wearing a light black sport jacket and the fabric crumpled at his arms as he moved.

“It won’t be weird. We’re all professionals.”

Jun decided not to discuss that statement.

What really bothered him wasn’t what was going on between Shou and Yutaka up in that hotel room. There had always been looks between the two of them, hidden glances when they thought no one would notice and touches that lasted just a little bit too long to be entirely friendly. But now, Jun was worried for himself. Before, they had been four dudes hanging out, more or less. Now it would be a couple and Jun and Kenji hanging out. Probably a lot of just Jun and Kenji, too. Separate rooms with double beds. Jun wasn’t sure he would manage to be angry at Kenji all the time. In the end, he wasn’t sure how solid his protecting wall of denial really was.

“Hey, maybe we need to get a room for ourselves tonight”, Kenji said and raised his eyebrows over his sunglasses.

Jun felt his cheeks heating up and cursed himself for his own girly behaviour. Surely, he hadn’t meant what Jun was thinking of. Not that Jun was thinking of anything specific. In fact, he was denying any thought at all right now.

“I’m not sure what Shou would hate more”, Jun said. “If we disturbed them again, or if we wasted money for an additional room.”

“Ah.” Kenji furrowed his forehead thoughtfully. Through the tinted glasses Jun could make out his dark eyes, but only just so. “Probably the waste of money.”

The seriousness with which he had spoken made Jun laugh. It came out as a wet snorting.

“Then we really shouldn’t”, he said.

He wished they could go back to the hotel, though. He had forgotten to take his jacket and there was a chilly wind going now and then. The bench underneath was also cold and his butt started to freeze. He crossed the arms in front of his chest, but it hardly helped.

“But I would really love to be alone in a hotel room with you, Jun”, Kenji sing-songed. “Wouldn’t that be exciting?”

“Stop it!”, Jun scolded and cast him a stern look.

It was exactly due to this kind of teasing that he didn’t want to spend more time alone with Kenji in the future. He never knew how to react to it. He was pretty sure it was just teasing, but not entirely sure. He was also pretty sure that he wanted it to be just teasing. But not entirely sure.

“Let’s go back. I’m cold”, he changed the topic, before Kenji could continue his jokes.

“Don’t worry, I can warm you with my body!”, Kenji said and without warning wrapped his arms around him.

Jun screamed.

It was situations like these that had gotten his ankle turned.

“Let go of me!”, he protested, trying to wriggle himself free from Kenji’s embrace.

His arms were extremely strong and his chest was hard as he pushed against it with his hands. His body seemed to be made out of iron, but warm and smooth and with just of the right amount of soft anyway.

Jun felt his knees going weak again.

Kenji was breathing down his neck. The warm sensation made Jun shiver. Even when he was not wearing make-up, Kenji always smelled a little of paint as if it was a scent you couldn’t wash off entirely. Jun really liked this smell. The temple of Kenji’s sunglasses was digging into his cheek.

“Let go now!”, he repeated.

“I’m glad you turned your ankle. You can’t run away now”, Kenji chuckled and placed a kiss on Jun’s cheek.

His lips were soft and a little dry, but very warm. Jun felt his ears turn hot as Kenji kissed his cheek again.

“Stop!”, he squealed.

He didn’t want people to see him like this. It made him feel embarrassed. And he was embarrassed in front of Kenji for blushing and nonetheless, he also liked the feeling of his lips. He didn’t know how to behave and that made him feel nervous and awkward. Weirdly enough, it also made him feel good and happy, which resulted in his clamour being mixed with awkward giggles.

Finally, Kenji let go, looking him over. The sunglasses sat on his nose lopsided now. Combined with his goofy grin it made him look boyish; in a very charming and handsome way.

“You get flustered so easy”, he observed. “It’s so cute. I’m sorry, I can’t stop teasing you.”

“You are so annoying”, Jun said.

“I’m sorry”, Kenji said; all calm again as if nothing had happened just now. “Here, take my jacket.”

He unzipped it and stripped it off with practiced motions. He was wearing a simple grey shirt underneath and for a moment Jun could do nothing but stare at his muscular arms with the veins showing beneath the skin.

“No, it’s okay, really”, Jun said hastily.

Kenji held the jacket out to him.

“Please, take it. You said you are cold. I’m fine.”

The silly tone of his voice had vanished now.

Hesitantly Jun took the jacket, putting it on himself. It smelled like Kenji and still felt warm from his body. It was almost as if he was still hugging him.

“Thanks”, Jun said.

Kenji leaned back on the bench, watching the lady with the buggy who was now heading towards the exit of the park. The old man from earlier was nowhere to be seen.

Jun studied Kenji. He seemed relaxed and from one moment to the next completely indifferent. It was this indifference that sent Jun reeling.

It was always like this. One minute, Kenji was hugging him, teasing him, in a way that made Jun’s knees go weak and his face heat up and his stomach drop; and the next he was chatting with Yutaka about some baseball thing. Sometimes Jun was convinced that his flirting was serious, and other times Kenji seemed to fool around with him as if he was nothing but a cute pet.

It made Jun feel insecure, flattered and disappointed at once. Of course, he did not want Kenji to mean it. But the thought of him not meaning it at all was somewhat hurtful. He was confused, about Kenji’s behaviour and about being bothered by it so much. Most of all, he was angry.

Although it was true, that Jun tended to be a little girly – he was the first one to admit so himself – it did not mean he was shy or hesitant. One did not last long with Golden Bomber that way. Their main activity was to get crazy and naked in public. Being shy or hesitant would have disqualified him long ago. In fact, Jun could get quite aggressive. Being angry made him aggressive for example.

And boy, Kenji’s carefree expression right now managed to get him angry for sure.

He leaned over and took hold of Kenji’s face. He held it between his palms, the plastic of the sunglasses against his fingertips. It felt cold compared to Kenji’s cheeks and Jun got close to him so fast, he didn’t even have time to put on a surprised expression.

Jun kissed him on the lips, holding the position as long as he dared to. He wanted to defend himself and decided that attacking was the best way to do it.

By now, he knew what kissing Kenji felt like. He was prepared for his soft, warm lips and prepared for the feeling of holding his face like this. But he was not prepared for the leap his stomach took and not for the warmth inside his chest that wanted him to go further, to push Kenji down on this very park bench and kiss him with closed eyes and opened mouth, with teeth and tongue and hunger.

Overwhelmed by his own greed, Jun pulled back.

Kenji had lost his balance a little and had to sit up straight again.

Jun looked out onto the park.

“What was that?”, Kenji asked with a laugh.

“I just wanted you to know what it feels like when you suddenly harass me like that”, Jun defended himself, still not looking over at Kenji.

“So it feels that good?”, Kenji assured.

His answer was so smooth, Jun couldn’t help laughing at it. He snorted and turned his head towards Kenji.

“I really don’t get you”, he said.

Kenji was grinning. It was incredible how a man could look so silly and so handsome at the same time.

“Sorry, if I got something wrong”, he said. “You just have to show me again. Let’s go back to the hotel. We’ll ask for another room at the reception.”

Indeed, Kenji got up and suddenly Jun felt insecure again. He couldn’t tell if Kenji was joking, or if he really wanted to kiss Jun again in a private hotel room. Maybe he had misread Jun’s behaviour. Maybe he had gotten it right. Jun didn’t know what it had meant himself.

“I don’t want to go. My foot hurts again”, he lied, just to stay on this park bench and avoid any possible consequences of leaving it.

“No, come on”, Kenji insisted and extended his hand.

For some reason, Jun could never resist when Kenji asked him to do something. It wasn’t logical, but just a general feeling of not wanting to let him down.

He took his hand and allowed Kenji to pull him to his feet.

“My ankle …”, he started again to make up an excuse.

But Kenji didn’t give him the time to protest. He bended his knees and swapped Jun of the ground.

Jun squealed.

He wasn’t exactly fragile and not used to someone picking him up like a picknick basket. For a very silly moment, it felt as if he was flying.

Startled but laughing he clung to Kenji’s chest. He felt surprisingly save like this. It was a good feeling – not even Jun could deny that.

“Please, ask for separate rooms”, he said anyway.