#dark journal

Poetry (ofc) 

Pov’s, little stories 

Queto’s 

Dark Academia Books/Movie list

Pieces From Old Newspaper 

Some people now, I've observed, would kill to be like this.

They want to have qualities that set them apart from others.

They do not want to be seen as being "like the others" or "like most people".

They do not want to be boring.

So why did I say, "at one point of my past"?

Because I'm not like it anymore.

From being unique and quiet to plain quiet.

Because at that point of my life, I grew gradually aware of the prices of being different.

I was different, weird and unique, so many people stayed away from me.

Some stayed...

But only for a few minutes.

Some stayed a little long...

But only because I was an option in that period of time.

I was alone.

People asked why without realizing they were the ones who stayed with me a for little while only whilst their friends weren't around yet.

I may have had been in a group of friends.

I still felt alone.

Because they weren't really being true friends to me.

One day, I decided I wanted to be like everyone else.

I started to use my generation's slang words.

I started to think like them too, in their pretensious, superficial thinking. ("I wanna be like that so I can be cool!")

I started to socialize more - engaged in meaningless conversations wherein judgments and gossips spilled - and read less.

I started to join in different groups I saw and became suffocatingly scared whenever I was left alone.

I wanted to be like everyone because I didn't want to be asked why I was always so alone.

I didn't want to appear being alone despite how it made me feel good because people will only see how you appear and not see how you positively feel.

Unless, I keep a smile on my face the entire time I'm alone.

But that generation of the past is different now.

Most are becoming mature.

And here I am, still struggling from the mentality and stupid reflexes of being like most in the past.

Even in my state of wanting to reach out, I manage to manipulate them to prove it's nothing, that I'm fine.

171104. 2:43am

I was told today that he looks heartbroken now. He looks sad now. He looks sad ever since I wrote the letter to him. While the letter fixed us, and brought us back to a more or less decent friendship, he, however, (probably) broke. 

He liked me last year and I knew he was jealous of how close you and I are. I tried to explain to him that he shouldn’t worry about that. That I love him more than you at times, I even used metaphors to prove my point. But that, unfortunately, didn’t work as how it should have.

I mentioned you in his letter when I never said anything about him in yours. He feels like a second choice. That I love you more than him, and that I love him second. I don’t. I tried to explain to him that he isn’t. He isn’t my second choice. That you and him are equal. But I guess mentioning you in his end-of-year letter wasn’t something he wanted to know about. 

I hurt him.

How could I do such a cruel thing to an innocent boy? He had never done me any wrong. Sure, I cried 19 times because of him before, but he never hurt me. Never. He never made me worry about whether or not he’s hanging out with the right friends, he never said hurtful things to me, he never called me annoying, he never made me worry about him to the point that I cried, he never hurt me. He never hurt me like how you did.

And here I was, talking to him about a boy he was jealous of. A boy who in a way, bullied him in a friend-ish way, a boy, who was his friend. A boy, that is you. How could I? How could I have done such a thing to him? I love him, he’s my friend. I would never hurt a friend. But I did. I did hurt him. 

What kind of person am I? What kind of person who knows that her friend is jealous of certain boy, would just mention that specific boy? Who would be that cruel? Why did I do that? Why didn’t I think this straight before writing that letter? 

WHY??!!!!

I’m a monster. First, I hurt you. I hurt you so many times without knowing it. And now, I hurt him. I hurt him knowing what would have hurt him the most. You started school last year looking so sad, like you had nothing to look forward to. My friend said that it was because I wasn’t there anymore. That it was because you couldn’t see me everyday like how you used to anymore. And now, the same thing is happening to him. My friend said that he looks sad nowadays. Probably because of me.

How could I have done that to the both of you? Why did you both have to like me? Why did you both have to have a crush on me? Why me? What do you guys see in me? I’m a monster. A useless, selfish monster. I took both of your hearts when I didn’t deserve it. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve this affection. Stop. Go like some other girl. I’m not worth it. I was never worth it. I never wanted to hurt you boys. I was supposed to protect you guys, not the other way around. 

How could I do this? How could I do this to you guys? I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I never meant to take your fragile hearts. I never wanted this. I just wanted us to be friends forever. That’s all. Why did it have to be so complicated? Why am I such a monster? Why did I hurt two of the most important friends in my life?

Why am I so evil?