#dark clay

Been working through 2,2kg of dark clay, to make a lot of pendants I can then paint tiny paintings on. If I lay them in a pile and take a photo of them like this they look like they could be a hundred or more. They're not. But they are quite many. I'll have lots to paint on.

These are the only two with any glaze on them. It's the same glaze but on one it has a turquoise colour and on the other it's too thin and just shines a bit. Which also works so that's fine.

From its inception to its release, 13RW created quite a whirlwind in the media over allegations that it causes suicide and is insensitive to these issues. Now, at its end, it feels like 13RW has long said goodbye to those times and has embraced the blunt nature with which it discusses teen issues of suicide, abortion, drug abuse, sexual abuse and gun violence. I have always appreciated that the show took these issues head on and did not back down from a fight even when the media and parents were hell-bent on ruining its legacy. 

Season 4 of 13RW comes at a time where we’re all feeling slightly disconcerted and apprehensive of the future what with a deadly virus at large. I’m sure we all must be feeling trapped not only in our homes, but in our own idle and terrified minds with no room for escape, because there is nowhere to escape. Surprisingly enough that is exactly how Clay feels throughout this whole season. Basically, Season 4 has two goals: to mentally push Clay to the metaphorical cliff’s edge and to wrap all the complex and messy emotions in a 5 minute valedictorian speech. The former I was mildly intrigued to explore, the latter I was not impressed with. Let’s take a closer look at what the show has achieved or failed to achieve in its final season. 

Those who know Clay’s character well, know that he’s the sweet guy-next-door who just goes with the flow rarely stopping to question his sometimes irrational actions and poorly-made choices. Like, when he chose to point a gun at Bryce or when he chose to cover up Bryce’s murder. Having been in jail, becoming so involved with the deaths of 2 close friends (Jeff and Hannah) and covering up a murder, it was only a matter of time before he roller-coastered straight into the deep end. There’s only so much one person can take before they crash and burn. Quite literally in this season, because as we see Clay is haunted by dreams of a terrifying Monty, blood everywhere and Bryce. Even the lighting of this season is dark and monochromatic to reflect Clay’s weakened mental state. To be honest, Clay’s go-with-the-flow nature is the source of his mental distress, because for the past few seasons, he has just been coasting along with the other characters never stopping to think that maybe his friends are wrong and that he shouldn’t go along with the choices they’re making. Of course, at the same time, this quality is Clay’s core characteristic, because he is known for being a loyal friend even if being loyal means jeopardizing his own life and health. 

To put it simply, the Clay this season is a Clay that has lost all sense of purpose. If you’re thinking, what was his purpose anyway? Well, isn’t it obvious? Season 4 Clay has no one to take care of anymore: no Hannah, no Jeff, no Justin, no Skye, no Tyler, no Ani. He lost Hannah in season 1 where he realized he never did enough to care for her. That’s strike one. He loses Skye in Season 2 after they realize their relationship isn’t healthy, because Clay just wanted to stop her from committing suicide. Strike two. He finds Ani in Season 3 only to lose her in Season 4, because she’s already well-sorted and doesn’t need Clay’s help. That’s strike three. There seems to be a method to his pain where he keeps trying to help girls only to realize that he wasn’t helping them in the right way or that they never needed him. Imagine building up this pain of realizing that the one thing you want to do (care for others) is the one thing that you keep failing at. In fact, in season 4, in the lockdown episode, he questions whether he ever even helped Tyler get through his trauma. Clay’s conflict revolves around the fact that he believes that he was never capable of helping anyone and that makes him feel helpless. And it all starts with Hannah. So, in season 4, when he is left with no one to take care of, he struggles through his own emotionally turbulent journey to discover that before he can help others, he needs to help the most important person in his life: himself. It’s clear that throughout the seasons, Clay has been so involved in solving other people’s problems that he fails to solve his own. Which is why Season 4 had to be about Clay finally getting a chance to breathe and take care of himself. After all, if there is one thing this show has taught us, it is to take care of those around you. And that kind of caring starts only when you take care of yourself. Because, self-care is the essential ingredient in the recipe of life. 

Now, I have to admit: Though it was difficult for me to watch innocent and good Clay doing drugs, having sex, crashing cars, starting protests, burning a car, yelling at principals, and starting fights, it was necessary to have this character grow in this way. He had to venture out of his comfort zone and become crazy in order to realize what truly mattered to him and how to reach his fulfilled self. Of course, this kind of character arc is nothing new. We’ve seen it play out for centuries in popular texts, short stories and famous literature (Hamlet anyone?). In fact, one popular short story that comes to mind is Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart.” Now, you might be wondering wait what? But, if you look closely, Clay’s spiral towards insanity closely charts that of the protagonist in Poe’s story. Let’s call him Joe. 

If you’re a reader of popular literature or have studied English literature, then you had to have encountered Poe’s famous short story, “The Tell-tale Heart.” It basically chronicles the living and breathing nature of guilt which can cause an individual to sabotage themselves. Literally, Joe plots and commits a carefully-planned murder only to have guilt rat him out. In the story, Joe has the police visit him after he commits the murder to investigate his house. After they find nothing, he invites them to stay a little longer and entertains them. He is so confident that he won’t be found that he continues to entertain them knowing that a dead body lies in his room. The guilt of knowing that he stopped someone’s heartbeat makes his heart beat louder and louder with guilt until he cannot take it anymore and he confesses to his crime. Why? Because guilt drives him up the wall and right back down to reveal the dead body parts stashed in his floorboard. Poe very smartly shows how after committing an ill-fated act, guilt leads you to second-guess yourself. Guilt throws suspicion over every small detail until the end result is that you sabotage yourself. And that’s exactly what happens to Clay. The resemblance between Clay’s story and Joe’s is uncanny. It’s almost like the writers of the show wrote Clay’s journey towards insanity with Poe’s story in mind. 

Fare warning: Tread with care, spoilers ahead.

Those who have watched the show know that the threatening phone calls, the graffiti (”Monty was framed”), the disabling of the security cameras and the senior camping trip prank was all dissociative-Clay’s doing. It’s a real mind-blowing scene when it hits Clay that he was the one sabotaging himself. The guilt of covering up Bryce’s murder was slowly killing him from the inside just like it was for Joe. It was like there was a part of Clay that did not want to stay quiet about the coverup and wanted the world to know what had happened exactly like Joe. Joe also could not take the fact that he got away with the murder and had to reveal his true colors. It’s something to think of that guilt can eat so much of your mind and soul that you become suspicious of everyone around you. Clay suspects almost every character (Winston, Diego, Charlie, Estella and even Tyler). His guilt actually turns out to be so murderous that it makes him do all sorts of crazy things that he would never do like start protests and yell at the principal. Now, 13 Reasons Why takes it a step further from Poe’s story by having Clay dissociate, so obviously there’s not too much damage control to do at the end (very convenient). Still, it is something to ponder on: that guilt is such a monstrous beast it can make one sabotage themselves. After all, there’s nothing more mentally and emotionally terrorizing than living with the fear of getting caught. Clay lives and sleeps (barely) with his guilt, never being able to escape it. And that’s why, it’s just easy to let it all out like Joe does at the end of the story. BUT, the major difference in 13RW is that Clay somehow finds a way to circumvent his guilt by justifying his choice of covering up a murder. By the end, he realizes that caring about his friends makes him who he is. With that logic, he comes to the conclusion that if he does something for his friends, then that is naturally right (even if that means killing someone and framing someone else for their murder, apparently). Look, it’s great that he finally understands who he is and what motivates him to behave in a certain way. Basically, losing himself helps him find his right and wrong. But, at the end of the day, morality has to be guided by more than your personal moral compass. It has to follow through with the laws set by society and killing and framing someone is just unjust and illegal no matter who those people are. You cannot justify your actions by saying that “they deserved to die” which, by the way, is what Jessica continues to do. I don’t know on what planet this kind of mentality is healthy, but I guess whatever planet that is, 13RW seems to exist on that sphere because it just ignores the injustice of what these characters chose to do. Yeah, all of them have to come to terms with their guilt, but they also have to realize that living a life carrying this secret is more burdensome than just coming out and saying it. I mean this kind of cover-up will never stop haunting them and they may never be able to move on from the past if they don’t let their guilt scream out from the rooftops. That’s where I think Poe’s story is the winner, because it realizes that you can’t let the guilt eat you up. Guilt exists for a reason so that those who commit crimes are eventually found out. Catharsis exists in letting the guilt shout from the rooftops. 

Unfortunately, though Clay exhibits all the signs of self-sabotage and guilt, he chooses not come out with the truth of his actions and those of his friend’s. According to Poe and me, the confession should have been the ultimate resolution to Clay’s arc. Clay shouldn’t have to suffer through the guilt in order to cover up for his friend’s mistakes. However, Clay’s suffering at the hands of his friends doesn’t matter, because the show chooses to neatly tie up the messy crimes and the horrible mistakes these characters committed in a 3 minute valedictorian speech. A speech which ultimately avows that love and acceptance is key to survival. Though that’s true, let’s be honest, it’s just an easy way to brush off the severity of Alex, Jessica, Ani, Clay, Justin, Charlie, Tyler and Zach‘s mistakes. If love and acceptance was key to survival, then we must put forth the question of whether Jessica, Clay and the rest of the characters have actually forgiven Bryce and Monty for their ill-deeds? Did they accept and understand Bryce when he needed to be? What’s lacking here is that though the characters might have accepted their mistakes in the last episode of the season, it still does not mean that they should not have to pay for their mistakes. Clearly, the show lets them get off easy, because even the police officers involved in the case cover up the truth about Bryce’s killer. Now, i’m going to sidestep here to say that I will acknowledge that the show does try to have the characters confess their guilt in a way so that there can be self-acceptance. Like, when Alex confesses to Winston in detail about why and how he killed Bryce. But, still: What message does this send to viewers? That if you have connections with powerful people you can get away with anything as long as you show regret and guilt for your actions? Regardless of whether or not it is a mistake or whether or not you are sorry for it, no crime should go unpunished and unconfessed. And I think the adults more than anyone have a huge hand in ensuring that the truth about Bryce’s murder never comes out. That being said, I’m not defending Bryce’s character in any way or saying that he was always a good person, but he was a human being regardless of the horrible crimes he committed. He does not deserve to have the truth of his murder hidden. The show seriously makes a huge mistake by having characters like Winston and the police officers decide whether or not they should let the truth of Bryce’s murder come out. 

“Dark Clay” - Levi Weaver (cover)