#dandm

The earth-shattering moment you realise that it’s ok that Someone doesn’t care about you. Why? Well, because you care about yourself now. At first all you ever wanted was That Someone’s attention. It’d be nice if you could say hello. It’d be great if you could start a conversation with me for once. Can I not always be wondering if you’re my friend or not? Then there’s the painful bit: being ignored. If you like, let’s expand and define it as ‘Ignoration’. The period of Ignoration is where you don’t exist to this Certain Someone. It’s like you’re air or dust. Regardless of how much They say it, or others tell you, you know-that-you know-that-you-know that it’s complete nonsense for it to be all in your head. You feel it when They acknowledge everyone else except you. This Someone may blame it on their shyness or their awkwardness but to be perfectly honest…maybe they just never really liked you and were too sheepish to say it. Or they repeatedly did with their actions but you weren’t ready to let go. Now that you’ve admitted that to yourself, you can calmly move onto the next stage.

Acceptance. It doesn’t matter that they never cared about you, because you’ve learned to love yourself. Your life no longer depends on whether That One Guy will notice you anymore. Try not to make such a big deal out of the fact that it’s been…how many years? You’ve lost track. All your friends used to be dumbfounded that you’d spent so long pining after him when it was abundantly clear nothing was ever going to happen between the two of you. It was amazing how much you rationalised and reasoned with yourself. You’d built this imaginary romance in your head. You know the type where one day he wakes up and realises that you’re what he’s been missing and sweeps you off your feet? Never going to happen. Never will happen. And that’s ok. Maybe he was timid. Who cares? Maybe you were just too antisocial. Maybe you expected too much from him. Who cares? You’ve got your standards and you won’t lower them for anyone, not even him. See all the frustration and confusion you harboured in your heart you handed over to God in prayer. Despite the revelation that he was Somebody Else’s Guy you still found yourself hoping it was all a dream. Though this is reality and it’s hard to get over, but you have to for your own sake. 

You know what isn’t a mere fantasy? One day you will meet a guy who will realise your worth. You will not have to climb a mountain to get his attention; he will see and love and accept you just as you are. However, at this moment in time you must do that for yourself. It doesn’t matter if That One Guy never paid attention because you’ve learnt to love yourself. Learning to love yourself means realising who you are in Christ. It’s knowing that chasing other people only ends in emptiness, but God always satisfies. You’re not mad anymore. You’re not hurt or perplexed. You don’t even feel embarrassed. Sometimes we have to go through really bad, weird, hurtful experiences to get to the point where we finally experience growth. So instead of the bad, you’re left with good. You’re thanking That One Guy for never valuing your worth. Maybe God was sparing you from something or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. You wish him all the best in life. You hope he’s happy and fulfilled and aware of his purpose. Maybe one day he’ll see this post and of course, understand that you’re talking about him. Who cares? You’re free from all that time, effort and energy you spent trying to gain his approval. And if you ever do see those wedding pictures on social media you won’t get upset. 

‘Cos guess what princess?

One day your time will come too…  

If I had a penny for the amount of times I’ve been asked this question. I get that I’m black and studying English Lit is like a fish in a desert. But honestly? I’ve always loved books. I’ve always loved the arts. Whether its television or film or theatre or poetry or whatever. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one!

I guess it’s the fact that I get tired of people assuming that I want to be a teacher. There’s nothing wrong with that but there are OTHER things I can do with my degree besides that (er hello PR/Advertising/Publishing/Journalism). Some people may believe it too and others may not. It gets exhausting having to justify what you love to people who will not make any effort to understand. But at the same time, without your input there’s also the chance that they never will.

Based on all this, I conclude by telling people “I’m not sure yet” or “I’m just figuring things out”. This just makes the situation worse because now people want to try and ‘help’ me work out what they reckon will be good for me to do.

Truth is, all I know is what I love and what I’m passionate about. I just haven’t necessarily figured out how make a career out of that. And yes, I’ve been praying to God about this for the longest time. Though I’m not giving up just taking my time. Life is not a sprint more like a marathon. The world will not stop just because I haven’t planned out my entire life yet. I’m taking things day by day, one step at a time. I know it’ll all work out someday but there really is no rush!