(Me and my friends at the D&D table).

Dungeon Master: You enter the cave, and out of nowhere, a Beholder appears out of the darkness. Charlie, your action!

Me: Lucky Charm!

(A hush falls over the room).

Dungeon Master: ...what?

Me: Lucky Charm? It’s Ladybug’s signature move.

(All friends groan).

Paladin: Charlie, is this about the Miraculous thing?

Me (offended): It’s not “the Miraculous thing”! It’s called Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir!

Ranger: Why are you even going on about it? By the way you talked about it, you don’t even like it.

Me: Just because there are numerous aspects of the show that are morally and emotionally wrong doesn’t mean that I don’t like it!

(Ranger gives me a doubtful look).

Me (faltering): I-I like the characters!

Fighter: Not Adrienette, apparently.

Me: Okay, first of all, Adrienette is not a character, it’s a ship! And second of all, if you’d actually watched the show, you’d dislike it as well!

Fighter: I did actually watch the show! And I can’t see why you hate the Love Square so much!

Me: Hate is a strong word.

Fighter: Just earlier today, you called the Love Square a bungled mess and a travesty of mock emotion, and compared watching it to skateboarding in an earthquake!

Me: BECAUSE IT IS!!! If you’d just read my Tumblr essay on why Lukanette and Adrigami work better -

Fighter: Not a chance.

Me: Why the hell not?!

Fighter: BECAUSE IT MIGHT CONVINCE ME!! As much as I hate to admit it, Charlie, you’re very persuasive.

Me: I think you’re just afraid I might be right!

Fighter: I think you’re just afraid you might be wrong!

Dungeon Master: Guys, can you put a pin in this and let us continue the game?

Me: Marinette has liked the same boy for three years without him ever showing signs of reciprocating her feelings! That’s called unrequited love! Do you even know what that is?

Fighter: You just don’t want Marinette and Adrien to be happy!

Me: I WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY, JUST NOT WITH EACH OTHER!!

Paladin: (quietly) Let’s continue in the other room.

(Other players move the D&D equipment to the dining room as me and Fighter keep shouting at each other).

Fighter: WHAT ABOUT THE HAMSTER, HUH?!?!

Me: MARINETTE CAN JUST AS DAMN WELL GET A HAMSTER WITH LUKA!!

Fighter: HE’S ALLERGIC TO THEM!!

Me: BULLSHIT!!!!

I KNOW WHAT YOU AAAAAAAAAARE

Boy: Want to see me do a wheelie?

Me: What?

Boy: Want to see me pull a wheelie?

Me: Sure.

(Me and my imaginary girlfriend sitting on my living room couch)

Girlfriend: Take me out tonight - where there’s music and there’s people

Me: And they’re young and alive - driving in your car

Girlfriend: I never, never want to go home - because I haven’t got one - anymore

Me: Take me out tonight - because I want to see people - and I want to see life

Girlfriend: Driving in your car - oh, please don’t drop me home - because it’s not my home, it’s their home - and I’m welcome no more

Both of us: And if a double decker bus - crashes into us - to die by your side - is such a heavenly way to die - and it a ten ton truck - kills the both of us - to die by your side - well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine

(Brief pause. We lock eyes).

Friend: Do you ever wonder about love?

Me: What about love?

Friend: Like, do you ever think you could do better?

Me: I beg your pardon?

Friend: Alright, just hear me out. I’ve expressed this opinion to several other people, and it hasn’t been very popular - there is no such thing as true love.

Me: Liar.

Friend: Just listen! When choosing a romantic partner, a whole lot of stuff has to be just right for you to actually love them. Their appearance, the way they carry themselves, the sound of their voice, their interests, their knowledge, their sense of humor, what they eat, their sleeping habits, how often they smile - all of this comes into play when you fall in love. 

Me: And this proves that there is no such thing as true love HOW?

Friend: There are seven billion people on Earth, right?

Me: More or less, yeah.

Friend: So the chances of finding a perfect mate are extremely slim. No matter how physically attractive they are or how funny and sweet they are, there will almost always be another person who is more so, and another person how is EVEN more so. Therefore, unless we spend our entire lives scanning people in our relative age group across the globe, we will never find a perfect mate.

Me: That’s bullshit.

Friend: How?

Me: Because when you find the perfect match, you’ll know.

Friend: But there’ll always be someone who’s a better match.

Me: How do you know?

Friend: I...

Me: You can’t prove your theory, can you?

Friend: ...well, no -

Me: Okay, let me tell you a story. A man meets a woman at a Thai restaurant -

Friend: A Thai restaurant?

Me: Just roll with it, okay? They meet at a Thai restaurant, and they instantly hit it off. They’re both mutually attracted to one another - he thinks she’s adorable, and vice versa. They share several common interests, but not so many that they can’t learn new things from each other. In fact, they disagree about a handful of things, like whether a hot dog is a sandwich.

Friend: Why are they talking about hot dogs at a Thai restaurant?

Me: I DON’T KNOW, I’M JUST SPITBALLING HERE!!! Anyway, they exchange phone numbers and make plans to see each other again, which they do. First kiss arrives on date four, first time sleeping together on date ten.

Friend: That seems a bit slow to me.

Me: PEOPLE TAKE RELATIONSHIPS AT DIFFERENT PACES!!! QUIT INTERRUPTING!!!

(A moment’s pause).

Me: They keep this up for around a year, after which the man proposes and the woman accepts. They marry, move in together, get into some tax trouble, have a child, have a big argument, make up, have another child, live comfortably, laugh at all each other’s jokes, and die on the same day at the ages 87 and 86, respectively.

Friend: And the point of that story being?

Me: They were made for each other!

Friend: But there’s always -

Me: Enough with the “never find a perfect match”, got it? What I’m trying to say is that once you fall in love with somebody - I mean REALLY fall in love - and when they love you back, when that connection clicks into place, they are the perfect match. You can’t fathom not loving them, even when you hate them. You’re never going to meet anyone more attractive than them, because you LOVE them, and that makes them the most beautiful person who’s ever lived.

Friend: What if it’s a boy?

Me: So? Boys can be beautiful too. You’ll never meet anyone nicer than them, because you LOVE them, and that makes them the nicest person who’s ever lived. You’ll never find anyone funnier than them, because you LOVE them, and that makes them the funniest person who’s ever lived. And even if you do meet someone who may be “more” than they are, you wouldn’t love that other person. You’re already in love.

(Silence).

Friend: Wow. I never thought of it like that.

Me: (to cashier) How much’ll that be?

Cashier: Your life.

Me: ...what?

Cashier: Don’t worry, you get to choose the method of execution.

Me: ...

Cashier: (laughs) I’m just playing with you.

Me: ...

Cashier: That’ll be $14.99.

Change The World With A Few Small Steps

Yesterday DJ Cool and I went for a cup of coffee in the afternoon. It must have been a crazy day for a lot of people because our local coffee shop was packed! It is a small space to begin with, and the fact that there were around 15-20 customers milling about didn’t help. DJ Cool and I stood patiently as about eight people filed their way out when I realized something very profound. Of those…

I spotted a coffee machine with a mysterious button. Let's see from left to right the buttons stand for : a small cup of coffee, a medium cup of coffee, a large cup of coffee, and ... what's the last one for?!! The drawing on it shows that something magical is going to happen either to your coffee or to your cup.