#daijiri

Ikejiri felt it when he arrived―dread adangerous thing on his mind. It was something on the half broken lights, on thebadly synced cheers, on the glossy sound of the court’s wood. I don’t like this, he had muttered tohimself, hands wrapped tight around the railings on the second floor, knuckles whiteto the point of transparency. One of his classmates had heard him and told himnot to jinx it, like it was meant tobe a joke―Ha!

Too late, he had thought.

The aisle is dark and silent now. In the middleof it, the light flickers on and off, not completely keen to give away its lasthope on survival. A pathetic attempt.

It’s been at least ten minutes since Ikejirisaw someone walk through this area, almost everybody has gone home or madethemselves sparse. Someone is bound to ask him ―them― to leave soon. When he stands up, his legs threaten to giveunder their own weight; by then, he’s spent more time on this bench than watchingthe game.

Inside the changing room, Sawamura is less thana shadow.

His grief had always been a quiet thing. Ikejirihad remembered it when Tokonami lost their game back at Inter High and hisown tears wouldn’t stop coming―loud and obnoxious and so extremely embarrassing.He remembers it today, when he blinks the darkness away to find Sawamurasitting in the far end of the room, his posture defeated, shoulders drawn inand eyes cast down. He always wore sorrow like a shield. Back at Junior High,Ikejiri hadn’t know how to breach through it, so he had say nothing and doneless. He isn’t sure he knows how to now.  

“Hey,” he says anyway, all crooked and awkwardand tentative; and far too loud in the dim light that comes from the ajar door.He wonders if Sawamura stood up to turn the light off, if he asked a teammate,if someone just did it without noticing he was still inside.

Sawamura doesn’t speak up, he doesn’t move, hekeeps staring at the floor like Ikejiri isn’t even there.

“Hey,” he tries again and sits beside him. Thisclose, even in the shadows, Ikejiri can see the trace of tears that fall,silent and not quite there, on his cheeks. Ikejiri knows Sawamura makes noattempt at wiping them because he was alone before and because it’s him and noone else that came inside. His hand is bandaged in tape that Ikejiri suspectsmust be shiny white but looks plain gray. It’s already resting on a sling ―colour like shame― hanging from his neck.

“Out for―,” Sawamura voice breaks, rough likeregret, “’ve got an appointment tomorrow for testing, but probably notbefore the tournament is done.”

Ikejiri nods, searches in the dark for Sawamura’sother hand on his knee and entwines their fingers. He gives a small tug at itand presses their bodies together.

Outside, the corridor light flickers off. It feelspermanent, until it’s not and light crawls up to their feet again.

Ikejiri always thought all gymnasiums are likea promise waiting to happen.

He knows, this one, today, this night, is not exempt.

Ikejiri nudges Sawamura’s knee, caresses theback of his hand with his thumb and says “Let’s go.” 

By the way Sawamura holds on to him as he risesto his feet, Ikejiri believes he understands. 

The volleyball court has always been a place for Ikejiri to come back again and again. It was a cycle he couldn’t break no matter how many times he tried to distance himself in the beginning after his fallout in high school. There were snippets back in middle school but it was far more easy to see without Sawamura by his side to chide him. He was alone in many ways he couldn’t ever imagine possible and it scared him. He didn’t think he would be this dependent on his middle school life with Michimiya and Sawamura. It just didn’t feel right to have his heart ripped out and see how distance made him so insecure. It was pathetic that he over thought the few emails and texts he sent. But it wasn’t like Ikejiri could plain out run to Sawamura’s house and cry out all his worries of not getting along with his new peers. Or how he didn’t see volleyball the same without Sawamura guiding him and making everything seem far more manageable. He could just hear Michimiya’s side comments and punches hitting his arm. The phantom pains of her strength were strangely missed as he would catch himself touching the faded bruises she gave him during their graduation. It was hard to walk into his new school and feel like the crowd was in a different level than him; even when he went to the gym to meet the volleyball team didn’t help him breathe easier.

The walls echoed the same, the nets were set up and the bodies were filling the space up quickly. Holding the ball only made him think about Sawamura and his easy smiles that gave Ikejiri confidence to keep on moving and playing. But without him, there was this silence inside his mind that made him uneasy. He knew it was stupid to be so flaky with his hobby of volleyball just because the people didn’t match his dreams. Yet that was all he did every time he went back to the gym to relive the memories of middle school and slowly getting used to not hear Sawamura’s voice or Michimiya greeting them. Karasuno wasn’t technically that far away, but it just felt like if he did stroll up there he wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face. And that wasn’t how he wanted to reunite with them. Not when it wasn’t even a month into the year; that weakness was the reason why he would curl inside his bed and glare at his cellphone. He started writing more emails but when he was in the middle of one he would see red flags popping up of his insecurities. They would then turn into drafts that Ikejiri would never have the courage to publish them.

As his endless love of volleyball concerned him, there was a part of him that was happy to see in the sidelines of Sawamura’s influence flowing inside him when he trained really hard. But it wasn’t consistent enough for him to text Sawamura so he could be proud of him. It only made it feel more real the way he made friends that struggled the way workmanship of being really motivated. They were bad people, more like Ikejiri was surrounded by normality clinging to his shoulders and their drive to be the top school of their prefecture. Their success would never be realized; and in some days he was okay with it. And that was when the ache of Sawamura’s absence really did a number on him. It was like he was letting him down for not pushing himself like Sawamura was probably doing at the moment. He could imagine it with ease; Sawamura with faceless teammates running in high spirits and smiles as they got better with their spikes and combination attacks. He was growing in ways Ikejiri would never be able to touch on. And it bothered him the more he allowed Sawamura get ahead him with every day that passed since their first year of high school.

The second year of high school was easier to manage the emptiness he carried. By then he had good company to keep him occupied. There were people that made him feel like Sawamura and Michimiya were close at hand the way they were able to make laugh and forget about his worries. It was like a pain that gradually healed (or so he thought at the time). Ikejiri should have seen it coming though. When he turned on his cellphone and see no messages from either one he would see the error of his passive behavior. It wasn’t easy to realize how forgettable he was; it stung and made him almost want to kick himself the way he cried and found himself unable to reach out. There was an easy way to fix it but the more he looked at their scarce communication Ikejiri saw how hard it was to be friends who went to different schools. They all each liked volleyball but it was apparent that his level of enthusiasm would never compare to Sawamura’s. That and Michimiya had more chances of contact with Sawamura. He wasn’t stupid. Ikejiri was very aware of her feelings back in middle and now that she left to Karasuno with Sawamura it hurt more. She would smile with ease, would give Sawamura sly touches and maybe get a legitimate relationship with him while Ikejiri would be far away and not be the wiser. Maybe that was it stung when he woke up every day and held the volleyball with tense fingers. Because he wrapped his adoration with volleyball with Sawamura like an idiot. He loved the sport but there was no denying it that the only reason he gave volleyball a chance was because of Sawamura’s influence and easy persuasion to join their middle school team. It was a sport that gave him not only time to hear Sawamura’s speeches and smiles that made his heart gush but, give himself confidence in himself.

It was thanks for his best friend at the time that made him see what he could accomplish. But without him and Michimiya there was piece of him that felt hallow. He watched some of their school’s games when he cheered for his. He didn’t know how to feel the way he heard the stories of Karasuno from passing students from various schools. He didn’t do anything but rethink about Sawamura and the ways their paths still didn’t cross. The seasons passes far too slowly; watching the sakuras fall didn’t give him any smiles. Walking during spring showers made him miss the times he shared an umbrella with Sawamura. The summer heats made him jealous of the couples that talked about beach dates. Fall did the same as he watched his group of friends get ready for winter. The seasons themselves were horrible because the more they changed he was forced to look at the calendar precede with time. His third year was like an awakening the way he finally concluded that the few messages he got from either of them wouldn’t hurt him. Having no contact helped a little the more he accepted that he would eventually lose all contact because college would be the next hurdle. It wouldn’t be probable for Sawamura to come running and telling him he liked him too. For all he knew Michimiya probably already won and had him by her side. He didn’t want to be bitter and sad anymore. It was far too exhausting to allow a boy do that damage and not even realize the impact he had over Ikejiri. He still didn’t date anybody. Ikejiri continued his life as normally as possible and played volleyball with semi dreams that could have made him guilty back in middle or during his first year of high school. There was still some of it but for some reason he let it pass.

The practice of carefully laying his emotions made him see life a little easier. He grew accustomed to his daily life that soon the colors of his life became more vivid again. When he was at peace of his feelings there was something deep inside him that made his heart smile in its beats. Volleyball still held scraps of middle school flashing but by then he was able to smile back. His team noticed the way he laughed more and joined in more jokes. The games that they played with other schools before summer inter high gave him hope of the future after high school. He wanted to leave the court with smile on his lips.

“Hey have you seen the match ups?”

Ikejiri looked up at the commotion and his team before seeing the paper himself. Echoing the name made him smile; and that time Ikejiri was truly happy at the universe because it was finally giving him a push to a direction he knew had to go eventually. Seeing Sawamura in the flesh was something. His heart still thumped irregularly but there was this friendliness that managed to cover most of his stutters that were never uttered. The small conversation that did arise made him see all the explanations as of why he adored Sawamura. His voice (soothing to his ears), the attitude he contained over the years (that always made him smile), and the ability to lead others. It easiness and elements of falling for him were all present with the cluster of memories hoarding his mind but Ikejiri had be able to kept them at bay. That still didn’t stop for Sawamura’s words from the past to still linger and haunted Ikejiri’s mood when they played. It was lighting to watch all those three years pass and see the product of who was Sawamura now; he was still a pillar. He was able to build his own kingdom and conquer the court by supporting his teammates with practiced tactics and woven words of encouragement. Coming from the other side Ikejiri pushed on believing all those lackluster years didn’t have to define him; he was more than just an ordinary fool that could not make a difference. It took a while but Sawamura’s old mantra gave his team moral support that they all needed as they played harsher than they usually did with smiles on their faces. It gave them all this taste of success of playing beyond limits. To see their errors and see how self-motivation was key. Losing to Karasuno still hurt but the truth in the aftermath made them all and especially Ikejiri the nerve to go back and see Sawamura while he still remembered his face.

Watching Sawamura’s back from his dreams and now in real life was bizarre; but he did it anyways as he called out to him. There were tears that were locked up from years that passes between them that spilled over his frustrations from the present. His field of vision was spotty and unreliable when spoke to him but the smile he gave him, Ikejiri had hoped that Sawamura would be happy with whatever life gave him. He deserved that much from all the pain he undoubtedly went through to achieve the team he had right now. There was no reunion with Michimiya but that was okay; because somehow Ikejiri just knew she would be okay after he saw the scores for the girls’ division. She was always a strong girl back then. The months rolled again with more sporadic messages between him and Michimiya as she gave him updates of her efforts to woo Sawamura. Reading each paragraph and emoji gave him side glances of the middle version of himself the way he was able to connect to her in ways he didn’t want to acknowledge back then. The replies were always the same of wishing her luck with her adventures and days; he tried his best to ignore the small sting that never evaporated since his meeting with Sawamura back in summer. No. Ikejiri just couldn’t that quickly without wounds being stitched countless of times without proper healing periods. When winter came and college was in his mind he couldn’t help but curse his luck the way he met Sawamura by chance. He didn’t like how far he got to only be pulled back when he talked to him and see how much life passed and made them strangers again. As if middle was a different lifetime and that now they were acquaintances. And they were.

Watching himself becoming addicted to Sawamura’s smiles again was not part of the deal.

He thought he had learned his lesson when he heard about Michimiya’s success of giving Sawamura a good luck charm. After all, that was the perfect placement for someone as dense as Sawamura to see her intentions. It was almost killing him how stuck he was on Sawamura as they said their goodbyes with him shouting stupidly for by passers to look at him questionably. When it was time to see Karasuno’s next game he huddled with a couple of friends and see how happy Sawamura was. It gave him chills to see how even stronger they all became. There was a smile covered on his lips at the end when they won. And by the end of it his stomach and mind were in sync to tell him he was defiantly screwed. Coming home and resting on his bed he barely thought of checking his phone. Showering and finishing homework there was an impulse to just check, so he did. In a simple title he saw Sawamura’s name in his missed calls. He looked over his desk and bed before he went to charge it and press Sawamura’s number.

Three rings later he heard his voice hoarse of screaming and yelling. “Hey.”

“Hey yourself.” He looked at his window waiting for a reason to keep on talking after the realizing of a probable heartbreak that was waiting to happen for his unfortunate relapse of being in love with Sawamura. “Um congrats on today. Your team is incredible.”

“Thanks.” There was shuffling on the other side of the line, “They’re a handful but I’m happy at how far we’re at.”

“So…um Sawamura…”

“Yeah?”

Ikejiri didn’t know how to continue. “Not that I don’t like hearing from you but…um was there something that--”

“Oh, yeah um I know this is a little out of nowhere but are you free two days from now?”

Ikejiri made sure to keep his voice even, “I…yeah I’m free.”

Sawamura sounded happy with hit answer as he gave a time and place to meet him. Ending the call didn’t make him exactly feel better. There was this inkling feeling that Sawamura wanted something from him. Whether it was company or advice Ikejiri went on like normal and when two days passed he went to the located and waited for Sawamura to make an appearance. The small bakery shop was warm and cheap enough for him to buy a couple of items to munch on as he forced his stomach to calm down. On his second item he saw a familiar body come close and wave at him. Turning around he smiled passively as Sawamura came inside and quickly motioned that he would sit down after getting his order, it didn’t take long before he sat down said his hellos and asking how his week was faring. The slowness of their conversations before made Ikejiri almost swoon. But with the threat of heartbreak rearing its ugly head again made him wary at how easy it was for him laugh at Swamura’s jokes. How he could pretend that they were on a date and Sawamura was his. Midway of their meal Ikejiri’s heart felt like it wanted to explode the way it ached for an explanation as to why now, why all of a sudden did they both had the intentions to meet again and actually g through with it.

“So how’s Michimiya doing?”

Sawamura’s face changed a bit, “Good.”

Ikejiri didn’t like how he was the reason there were strained smiles across their smiles. “That’s nice, I remembered how close we were all back in middle school. I guess um it’s pretty funny how things worked out in the end huh.” Sawamura looked at little confused as he continued. “So I’m kind of curious how are things between you two? She told me bits and pieces but…I guess I like to know what happened after the--”

“Ikejiri.” It made him stop talking and look at Sawamura and his outstretched hand grabbing one of his hands. “I didn’t ask you here to talk about Michimiya. Not really. I actually wanted to talk about us.”

“Us?”

Sawamura didn’t let go, “One of my friends that you briefly meet back in summer told me something that Michimiya and more importantly about you.” His chair was scooted closer, “I know I can dense about certain things but I’m sorry that I have never noticed it back in middle school.”

Ikejiri felt his face freeze with the implications of his words. His body was tense and burning from the touch of Sawamura’s hand still gripping his. “Sawamura…I that’s okay. It was in the past and I-”

“Wait a second Ikejiri please let me finish.” The look Sawamura gave was enough for him to stay silent out loud while he heard his own heart racing. “I didn’t know how much you were hurting all those years and I don’t think I can ever fully ever make it better or apologize enough. But Ikejiri I just want to know one thing?”

He took a deep breath: “Is it too late ask you to be my boyfriend?”

By then he couldn’t help but look straight into his eyes and feel his tears fall down on cheeks and drip into the table. “What about Michimiya? Didn’t she---?”

“I was flattered but when she confessed I thought about you.”

Ikejiri tighten his grip and shook as he tried to breathe normally. “Sawamura I don’t know what to say.” He couldn’t the way he flashed back to every text he went through with her and how she must have felt right now. “I have always wanted you to ask that but… Michimiya… I can’t Sawamura. I don’t think I could say yes without feeling guilty for you picking me over her.”

Sawamura looked like he wasn’t surprised by the way Ikejiri was deliberating the confession and practically rejecting him. It psychically hurt to hear his own words come out of his mouth, “I want to say yes. I really do but what if Michimiya will hate me? I know we aren’t that close like we used to but, I knew how she felt about you” He gave him a hard look. “She told me countless of times back then and now.” “Ikejiri it's okay.” He pulled him closer, “Michimiya doesn’t hate you. Quite the opposite; when she told me her feelings and when I ultimately rejected her she told me good luck and not to take a no from you.” His smile was weak with a hint of embarrassment. “I guess I wasn’t that hush about my feelings about you after we saw each other back in summer.”

Ikejiri felt his heart soar, “Are you sure?” It almost felt too good to be true.

“Positive.”