#daeposting

Spiritual Daemonism...

There is a wide variety of ways people seem to practice daemonism. Some see their daemons as a personality type like a Hogwarts House, some see them as a kind of imaginary friend, some even take a spiritual approach and believe that daemons are a representation of their own soul, similar to the way they are depicted in the His Dark Materials series.

I personally view my daemon, Philomena, as both a psychological and spiritual daemon; but not exactly in the way that might be more common in the community. I believe that as a child, my brain developed an "imaginary friend" to cope with many different traumas happening to me. Animals were already a huge part of my life, so it wasn't very hard for my little brain to latch onto an animal form when creating her. This was the start of Philomena in her infancy. But as time went on, my brain decided that pretending just wasn't enough anymore. The exact how eludes me, but a piece of my soul split off and Philomena as a separate but dependent and kindred soul developed silently in the background for years. As I started to acknowledge her, I realized that she was not only a representation of me in the ways I couldn't accept, but also a representation of what I needed in my life.

Philomena...

For as long as I can remember, my daemon has been with me; helping me through stressful situations in my childhood before she ever had a name. I officially recognized her as my daemon on December 10th, 2017, and after months of using the Daemon Forum Analysis to narrow down animal forms that might fit her, she settled as a red squirrel in November of 2019.

Philomena is almost the exact opposite of me, blunt - almost rude even -, focused, loud, energetic and sensible. But she is also kind and protective, responsible and knowledgeable. I have never worried that she would abandon me or truly judge me more anything I've said or done. Her aura is motherly in a way, like a soft hand on your forehead when you're running a fever. I love watching her run around frantically when she's hyper, or feeling her snuggle up under my chin when she's tired.

But lately, our relationship has faded into an almost oblivion that pains me. For at least a year now, I've neglected her as a presence within my mind due to mental health struggles and home life changes, and as a result it's become difficult to speak with or project her. I feel her faintly now, but trying to call out to her is like screaming into an abyss.

I discovered my daemon when I found The Daemon Forum online. For years I'd basically been practicing daemonism without realizing what it was and when I found The Daemon Forum, I "acknowledged" my daemon for what she was.

Daemon Past Life...

There is a possibility that I may have a past life as a daemon from the His Dark Materials series. From what I've gathered over the years through memories, dreams, feelings and shifts, I was a dog daemon, possibly a doberman or german shepherd - but as they were in the early 1900's rather than the current standard - to a man who I have only been able to describe as a Russian soldier.

I have gotten the feeling that I was also male, which is rare in that world, but I'm almost sure I've had memories where I was female. We were very close, he and I loved each other very much, because I sometimes feel this intense, excruciating pain that comes from separation. I remember the feeling of walking on my paws, trotting next to my human counterpart. I remember a village market with a woman and her big cat daemon, walking past. I remember the way my man held his gun, the barrel on his left. I remember our death. Either meeting other soldiers or busting criminals, I don't know which because I can't remember what they were wearing. We were alone and there was a round table filled with other men and their daemons. My man lifted his gun and I crouched, growling... and then that memory just ends. And now.. every now and then... there are moments I feel my heart filled with such an aching I could die in this life.

Squirrel...

For at least as long as I've been involved in nonhuman communities, there's always kind of been this emphasis on not just identifying as nonhuman but also being able to accurately label that identity under the massive amounts of terms that exist to describe every variation in personal experience of can have. Hearted identities were seemingly given the "middle child treatment" and experiences like flickers or links or even frequent cameo shifts were often harshly criticized. And while I'm glad to see much of that has changed now, there is still quite a bit of label pushing and a hierarchy of experiences.

Before I distanced myself from the therian community, I was a frantic mess trying to label everything and anything I experienced just to feel some validation among my peers. I lost sight of who I really was deep down because my focus was more on the labels and how to fit them than my actual lived experiences. Now though, I feel so much relief and confidence in my identities that I hardly ever question or doubt myself anymore. Not having a billion words to juggle around stresses you out a lot less, trust me.

All this is not to say I don't sometimes like to have words to describe my experiences though! Specifically as of late, I've been questioning what the squirrel means to me. I sat with the possibility of being squirrelhearted for a bit, but that just doesn't seem right; squirrels don't feel anywhere near the same as bears, coyotes and the Twilight saga for me. It occurred to me though that whenever I see squirrels, or objects and art depicting them, I immediately think of my daemon. Her tiny voice in the back of my mind squeaks with excitement at recognizing herself, the same way I do when I see a wolf. "It's me", she says, "It's Philomena", I say. I get this warm, aching feeling in my stomach like I just have to have the object, that I just have to be with my daemon in the physical.

So I wondered what I could call this feeling, an almost hearted adjacent experience. And I remembered the word I "coined" for such things as this - and many other types of feelings of being drawn to something - : Calling.

Daemon Dreams...

Dreams, whether you take stock in them or not, can be interpreted as many things. I personally believe that they are all of the possibilities ever imagined since humans first began trying to understand them, including being spiritual manifestations, messages or traveling's to other dimensions. Others may think that sounds far fetched, but to me, dreams of the spiritual nature have always held significance in my nonhuman journey.

Just recently I had a dream that I finally got a friend of mine to watch the His Dark Materials show with me after begging them for years to watch the movie. After we finished it, my friend started asking me questions about daemons and how they could find theirs. My answers were surprisingly profound for a dream and I began to sob when I explained what separation was; the feeling it gave was almost personal, like I'd been separated from my daemon. The dream was rather short, as are most of my nonhuman dreams, but it ended with my friend trying to find their daemon.

I know that this dream was very much about my relationship with Philomena. I've been saying that I need to put more effort into it but I just haven't. It's like an executive dysfunction... which makes it feel like I'm accidentally leading us to separation... I don't want to separate, but it's almost inevitable now that we've gone so long without any true progress.