My Dadding Life

Im back!

Okay, update. We are now at the end of week 39. Almost. And baby is still not here.

We know what we are having, we have a name picked out, we have pretty much everything ready and waiting but the baby is just not budging, yet.

What has it been like for me over the past however many months as a dad to be?

Surprisingly, quite fine. People have stopped being rude or making jokes that piss me off, and we had a baby class where they actually spent a lot of time focussing on helping the dads-to-be and how to ensure we aren’t excluded from everything.

There are still some people who are insulting or rude or keep making the “You looking forward to babysitting” jokes, but I just actively walk away from them now. It’s tiring.

One thing that does still wind me up is Paternity Leave. In the UK you get 1-2 weeks paternity leave offered by your company, and that’s it. I was chatting to someone at work a few weeks back and she said “Oh 2 weeks that’s ages! I would have expected it to be less, you’re a man, how can you help?”

Now, firstly. She has no kids and has never been pregnant so she doesn’t really know what she’s on about. I checked with her before answering. Secondly, how can I help? Well. If the wife has a C section, and is told to not pick anything heavy up for 2 months (like my sister in law was told) then how will she pick up the baby, or anything around the house? After a C section they are told to rest, how can they rest if there is not someone in the house helping them out?

It just pissed me off, alright. No reason to talk like that to someone.

But, just to stick it up to them, we are doing shared parental leave as I mentioned in my previous post at week 24. I will be taking an extra 4 weeks dotted around to assist Mrs H and Baby H.

We went to buy a rocking chair. Or a nursing chair. Or whatever you wish to call them.

We went to so many stores, and it is amazing how few bother to have any out for people to try.

But we did find one, and found a chair we like, but we are not buying from that store.

Why? Because Mrs H. wanted my input on the chair. She wanted me to try it out to make sure I was comfortable in it as well, as there would be times when I would inevitably need to use it for feeding or calming the baby down etc.

I was fine with that, but the people in the store were not. Thy saw me sitting down and instantly came over to tell me that the priority of for the mother to try out the chair and ensure she likes it. According to this store worker, I will never have to use it and won't ever sit in the chair, which is just clearly wrong.

It was frustrating, but we ignored them and continued having me try out the chair with Mrs H, before deciding on one and purchasing from babyplanet instead.

Their loss.

Good morning again! I hope you have another great day. One where someone posting on here doesn't trigger you perhaps?

Good word, imbecile. I like it, it rolls off the lips nicely.

Anyway, you want me to read the room? Sure. I'll keep posting about my struggles, not much in the room about that.

And it comes with a baby carrier, a car seat, lots of other stuff.

That was fun, purchasing that at a baby show.

What wasn't fun was at the show, being completely ignored by all the people at the stalls. We had gone to a previous show and there was a single stall that made any effort to actually engage and speak with me, the father. This time, however, not a peep. Eye contact permanently with Mrs H. and not a jot in my direction.

I get the whole "its the mother" who has to deal with everything, but tell me this. In this world, in today's day and age, everyone complains that the father is so rarely involved in this and doesn't take part. So why not put in some damn effort to engage with the father and make him feel like he is a part.

"Oh the father never helps with x" people say, that may have been true and sadly that may still be true, but if you want that to change then maybe you should be willing to engage with the father so he knows about bloody x.

Let's take the buggies as an example, there were loads of stalls for them, and they all spoke to Mrs H. I will be pushing the buggy as well, I will be folding it up, I will be using it. So why not discuss with me.

Mrs H. is fantastic, just to praise her for the moment. She made an effort constantly to ask me what my thoughts were, and to try to get someone to talk to me, but even during that they locked eyes with her and did not shift.

My apologies, as you can tell I am angry at this. The world wants change but never actually wants to do anything. You want fathers to be involved but you dont involve the fathers yourselves.

Anyway. We bought a buggy, a lovely buggy, and we are very excited for that to arrive.

Now we just need to wait for more stuff, next on our list to research, baby bottle sterilisers and stuff.

Aargh

Not a clue what is wrong with them.

As you say, their life must be boooring.

But, eh, this is the internet, people will hate for the sake of hating.

So much clothing. so many clothes. Oh god.

We had been given six huge bags full of baby clothing, ranging from newborn to 12 months, from my Sister in Law. And sunday we decided to start going through it.

It took us three hours, but we whittled it down to the pieces we wanted (based on the baby's sex and if it looked nice enough), the pieces we didn't want, and pieces we had no clue what they are. I took the pieces from the last section to my parents to see if they could work it out, but they had no idea either. So those things are just going to vanish...

We then separated them into their relevant ages and took a tally of what we have. So many rompers! And, for some reason, between the ages of 3 months and 9 months, our baby has 8 hats...All bucket hats...Neither my niece nor my nephew, not their parents, did anything to do with parties or festivals, so I have no idea where they got the bucket hats from. But we have them now.

And our baby will look awesome in them, hopefully.

Not sure what makes you think this? Would be a strange thing to roleplay.

My mom was my primary parent. She was in charge of EVERYTHING. My dad was never able to hold up with her on that front (single income household with a stay at home mom) However, kids are extremely reliant on routines. It gives them security and stability. My dad would go off to work everyday before the rest of us had even woken up yet. So I would only ever get to see him once a day and that would be at 7pm when he came home. Everyday like clockwork he'd come through that door at 7pm. That was his routine and I can't tell you how absolutely reassuring that was as a kid. I didnt need him to do anything else for me. None of the things my mom would do. All I needed from him was to stick to his routine and always make sure to come home at 7pm. He never disappointed. And everyday when I heard the elevator door open and his keys jingle as he walked over to our apartment, I'd race over to the door, trying to open it before he could. Didnt matter what I was doing, I'd drop everything in an instant. That was our thing.

I'm an adult now. I could have my own kids by now. Trust me when I say, I cherish my dad equally as much as my mom. His contribution was just as meaningful as my mom's, even if she did 90% of the child raising. It doesn't matter. Kids dont keep track of how many times one parent changed diapers over the other or how often one parent prepared a bottle over the other. Kids just remember that their parent was always there.

And I agree with your uncle, every child is different and thus every family structure is different in its own way. But I can see that you're beating yourself up quite a bit as you're trying so hard to take off any and all burden from your wife. I totally understand the urge. She is currently losing out on many of her own routines and you two are in the process of developing new ones, if I didnt misunderstand your post. Just know that as much as my dad's 7pm-routine was giving me security, so did it for my mom. Him sticking to it gave her just as much peace of mind as it did for me back then.

What I'm trying to say is: you very likely won't become your baby's default parent, but that's ok. It's natural. And the best thing you can do to contribute is to just "be there" whichever way that may look. Maybe you'll be the parent who makes breakfast everyday and never skips a day. Maybe you'll be the parent who always picks the kids up from school, or drops them off, or whatever. You'll find your own spot, your own thing soon enough, don't worry. It will come naturally. It will creep up on you and one day you'll just be THAT parent with THAT very specific set of routine only YOU can provide for your child. And it will be the most reassuring thing for both Mrs. H and your baby.

Hope, I wasn't rude by sharing this. Again: not trying to give you advice, just wanted to share what stuck with me the most from my own early childhood. Wish you two the best of luck! I'm certain you'll be great parents. Take care!

Anyone who is worrying like me, needs to read this. I am sitting here with watery eyes now. This is something I needed to hear, I cannot thank you enough for saying this!

Holy cow its been a while since I wrote anything here.

But its for a good reason. Things have been going great! Mrs H. has not thrown up for weeks now, and is no longer as ridiculously exhausted as she was before.

I have now gotten into the routine of doing all the cooking, rather than just most of it, but it turns out the kitchen is sort of my safe space at the moment, a place where I can be messy and know that it will be fine providing I clean everything up before Mrs H. sees.

Anyway, that isn't the point of this. The point is, Mrs H had the 20 week scan early this week. We got to see our baby moving even more.

At the time of the scan, it was 14oz big, and has a large stomach apparently. Which is good for baby I think...

We also had to get Mrs H. to do some dancing to move the baby around so we could see their other leg, as it was just sitting on it very comfortably. All is good though, even while it had the hiccoughs.

We did choose to find out the sex, purely because we had spent ages discussing names and wanted to confirm which one we wanted. I know everyone says we will look at the baby when its born and decide the name then, but eh whatever. We like the name we have chosen.

Now I just have to get the room ready for the baby. Lots of moving my junk out...

The good thing is, for the past few weeks, nothing extremely negative has been occurring from a paternal sense. By which I mean I have not had people trying to tell me how to parent, and I have not had people making out like I won't be doing anything and it's all just a mother's job etc.

The closest we had was when we were discussing what would happen when I am out with baby without Mrs H. and people say "aww your babysitting". Apparently, keeping a used nappy to throw at the annoying person is not what I should be doing. I think I will have to think on that more.

Its going well!

Mrs H is feeling mostly better, she is still sick some days and still exhausted, but nowhere near as much as she was beforehand.

She is still experiencing food aversion to some foods though, so, oh well we will survive.

I made a mistake though. I went online. I've looked at a number of posts around the place, some videos some text, and its really disheartening how many say "The dad is useless" or something along those lines.

There was a post where a midwife said she always ensures five minutes where she goes with the husband to make sure he is okay and all is good, and my goodness. The comments there. They were attacking this midwife for saying that.

Some of the comments were:

Its not the mans place

You should ignore the man, it's his fault

Why are you not focussing on the woman 100% of the time, the man is just taking up space.

It disheartened me. Its the reason why I have this blog, I am fed up of people who seem to think that the role of the father is to...is to what? What do they think the role of the father is? Sometimes it seems like their world view is the father should exist to be a sounding board and thats it.

That is not right! The role of the father is to be a father. Be as much of a parent as we can be to our kid!

It depresses me sometimes.

My goodness. Everyone wants to give their advice!

But, it seems to have changed. Beforehand we assumed half of the advice would be pointless. Now, however, all of the advice is "Ignore all advice."

People have started to learn, over years and years of being told by everyone to stop giving unsolicited advice, it's finally getting through to people.

The only piece of advice I was given that wasn't "Ignore my advice" was from my uncle, who told me:

"If anyone tries to suggest a book for you to read, take the book and them to the nearest window and throw them out of it. Every child is different, and the books rarely help."

He also told me that the best book he read, and the only book he read, to do with bringing up his daughter was about the development of her brain. It helped, he explained, to not get wound up with your child as you will understand "Oh, they cannot do this because their brain has not developed that far yet."

Ive been using that as an insult ever since he told me.

I saw online, however, one piece of advice which I felt was the only important piece for me. It seemed perfect for new fathers.

"Firstly, throw all the clocks in your house out the window, time does not exist anymore. Secondly, even though there are a lot of moments where the child is sleeping on dad, a lot of them are going to cling onto mum. Do not take it personally!"

"I get you want to be an equal parent, but the baby does not see you as equal parents. Its a baby, it doesn't know what equal is. If your life circumstances dictate that you are not an equal parent right now, focus less on being an equal parent and more on being a majority partner."

"Meaning keep up with literally everything else, all the things that your role as a partner has traditionally led to, plus all of the things that your wife would normally be doing as a partner. She wont have the time, or the energy right now to do it."

This piece of advice is something I've been trying to live by for the past couple of months, and I will endeavour to live by for the foreseeable future. It has caused Mrs H to be a bit sad though, as she feels helpless. She told me, teary eyed, last night that she had never wanted to do the washing up so much, but she physically can't.

Its fine. Its okay.

Its difficult.

But I am more than happy to do it. The kitchen is like my second man cave!

One of these being changing facilities. So many places only have changing facilities only in the Women's loos. But, I did notice something. A month or so ago we were camping and popped into a pub to play a game of golf and they had changing facilities in all their loos, and it felt so "ooo how exciting." It shouldn't need to feel good or positive, it should just feel like it is, it should just be it.

Another thing is how pretty much everywhere talks only to the mother in the relationship. We went to a baby expo a few weeks back (baby stuff, not selling babies, that would be weird) and only one stall made a clear point to talk to me as well as Mrs H, and honestly that is the only stall that I actually remember anything about.

I also noticed something related to this this week when we went for the scan. (Please do not take this as me being a mens rights activist or anything as stupid as being a meninist, the following is simply stuff I have personally felt or observed.)

The NHS had a TV in the corner showing off a load of baby things. One of the adverts they were showing off was for a website which I have sadly forgotten, but it was for dads to support each other and discuss their struggles, and it meant so much to me!

One place I found that is extremely useful for me is reddit.com/r/daddit. That subreddit is just so supportive of everyone! I posted on there almost as soon as we found out we were pregnant at 4 weeks, and I did not expect to get the messages I did. Advice, pointers, offers for support. All sorts.

I skipped week 11 didn't I. Oops.

Mrs H was struggling. I said it was getting better, but it didn't. She was struggling, feeling ill, and she had extreme back ache which caused even bigger problems.

She had to take a few sick days last week too, she was unable to move.

It's hell to watch, however, we are now at week 12, and just had the scan.

My god the emotions that run through you when you see the scan of a teeny tiny baby lying there. We could see all 4 limbs, the ridiculously tiny nose, the small mouth, and the heart!

That heart, it is beating almost as fast as me after trying to run any distance at all. So ridiculously fast.

It behaved itself, staying still for the photos and then, when we were done, it seemed to wake up and begin moving, which caused emotions.

I am riding on a high right now. I know Mrs H is still not great, but she is getting better. But me, I have started to tell people, the reactions are hilarious!

Some crying, some huge grins, and only one going "I wanted to see it on a banner flying behind a plane, why tell me via whatsapp!"

Our plan going ahead now, we have to begin cleaning the spare room and making space for the baby, now it feels real.

I'll be honest. I was terrified to do anything about it. I was having nightmares that the baby was not there, or there was no heartbeat, and so I was reluctant to begin making the flat ready for it.

But now...now I feel ready. Even though we don't know the results for the edwards' or Patau's syndrome tests (which is basically life ending for the baby, Downs isn't life ending so I'm not worried about that one) I still feel ready to begin tidying.

And it may help me focus.

My goodness its been a long week.

This is only going to be a short update. Mrs H. has, thankfully, started to feel better. Its been a long journey, and she is now managing to go through a few days without throwing up with is good!!

She is still struggling when it comes to food, and the concept of meat is still sitting weirdly in her mind which is unfortunate (she usually enjoys it).

First scan is still not for another week, so thats something to look forward to!

Well here we are.

10 weeks pregnant, or so. Its something I have been struggling with. Are we in the tenth week of pregnancy, so 9 weeks and 1 day, or are we past ten weeks pregnant and we are 10 weeks and 1 day? Either way, Mrs H. tells me to stop being confusing and get her crackers.

Its all she is eating at the moment, she is really struggling.

Oh by the way Mrs H. is my wife. I am Mr H, so it just made sense.

All she is eating is crackers and veggies, although she did manage to have a cheese toastie a couple of times last week. She is in the really difficult section of pregnancy, the section where she goes “Who the hell has more than one kid after going through this! Mr H, no more.” She is either feeling really ill constantly, or really tired, or even both a few times. It means she cant really do much. I don’t mind really, she keeps apologising, but I enjoy cooking! I just would enjoy it more if she was able to eat any of it.

She will, eventually. Her body will eventually go “Oh alright you win enjoy food once again.”

I am so excited for the future. January 2025 hopefully. I am so ridiculously excited to have a child, in a way that me 5 years ago would be very confused by.

What I am going to say will sound selfish, and in a way it is by putting it on this blog, but still. I want you to understand I love her, I love her a ridiculous amount and I care about her so much that I stress at work that she might be struggling at work.

But I am struggling too and its amazing how few people seem to care about the husband during a pregnancy.

It is kind of obvious why I suppose. Mrs H. is the one going through the physical and mental changes, she is the one who is vomiting regularly and dealing with such bad morning sickness that she can barely move sometimes, and all I am doing is cooking a bit more than I used to.

But that is why it is stressful to me. I cannot do anything to help her where it is needed. Yes support is important and getting her the crackers and veggies is important, but I cannot take away the sickness and the pain. It hurts me that I cannot help there.

I see her looking down and depressed, and I do what I can to distract her from it, but it is still there. And that is stressful and painful.

Added to that the knowledge that paternity leave is rubbish. Mrs H. can get 9 months or whatever, what can I get? 2 weeks. Do the people making the laws about this not care about their own children, if they have any? Your wife just gave birth, for the love of god why would you not want to spend time helping where you can! (There are obvious places we cannot help, but that is not what I am talking about…obviously…)

Anyway. That is it for now. I am sure I will have more moaning soon. I want to try to keep this updated semi-regularly, just as a place for me to vent my feelings. I feel bad doing it at home because Mrs H. listens to my verbal diarrhoea most of the time anyway so why should she listen to more. Especially when all she wants to do is flop on the couch and watch Greys Anatomy.