#dad anecdotes

Tangle Saxon Runes Again

Part of a continuing personal challenge; see the previous entries here, here, and here 12. ᛄ Ger [j], “year, harvest” Tangle Saxon Rune Ger I admit I’m cheating on this one a bit phonetically. The “ger” rune represents the sound [j], represented in English by the consonant “y.” But there isn’t a “j” rune, or at least not one representing the “j” sound [dʒ]. The sound itself is relatively common…

Dad: how big is a 12 inch pizza?

Me: um... 12 inches, dad.

Dad: but is that big enough?

Me: depends on whether or not you need more than a foot of food in your stomach at a time.

Dad: no, not at a time. One slice at a time.

Me: solid.

I love my dad.

I checked my email and he sent me a starbucks e-giftcard and the message it go sent with just said, "This is just cuz I'm proud of you and I love you."

Me: *sends email with tax info*

Yay! That’s the one I think I should go with, too!

Oh, also, my mom was being a dick (cuz she’s jealous that VM is sorta mine and my dad’s thing), and she found out that the VM movie is gonna play at the fucking fanciest movie theater in my hometown (All the chairs are La - Z Boys and they give you pillows and blankets and SERVE YOU POPCORN, DINNER AND DESSERT IN YOUR SEATS!) and she wrote an email to my dad and BCC’d me on it and said, “Hey honey! Should we get tickets to this?”

I AM SO MAD. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO TELL ME THAT WAS HAPPENING!? I WAS PERFECTLY HAPPY IN MY BLISSFUL IGNORANCE!

Ugh, anyway.

I called my dad today to ask if he saw my mom’s email (which, of course he didn’t, because he’s the worst at checking emails). So I told him what it said and his exact reaction was:

"OH! Oh my god. OH MY GOD! That’s — I have to — We have — Oh no. Would you be mad if I went to see it even if you weren’t here? OH MY GOSH."

And I was like, “No, dad. Of course not. One of us has to see it like that! Even if mom is being a dick.”

Dad: “OH MY GOD YAY THANKS! I have to — We have to get tickets. *pause* *chuckle* Yeah… Mom’s a dick, though… *Pause* *Giddy laughter* OH MY GOD I HAVE TO GO GET TICKETS NOW, BYE!”

So, my dad is the greatest dad in the history of dads. And, when I’m home, we watch the TLC wedding dress shows together. My mom sometimes watches with us and makes fun of us.

Well, one night when I was back home a couple months ago, Dad and I were watching “Something Borrowed, Something New” — that show where they do all these alterations to the mom’s wedding dress then pick a brand new wedding dress and the bride chooses which one she wants to wear.

Mom came in and remembered that she had her wedding dress in the closet. Literally nothing about my mom’s body type and mine is the same. Nothing that works on her remotely works on me. Her wedding dress was a straight-line top with spaghetti straps (the spaghetti straps were nice) and a heavy drop-waist lace skirt. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it holds up as a pretty-looking dress — especially compared to a lot of other dresses from the era. But drop waist, straight-line neckline, etc. on MY body? No.

But she wanted me to try it on. I had no objections but I didn’t want her to think that I’d ever wear it for any real occasion.

But I tried it on for fun.

And my boobs broke it.

My boobs broke my mom’s wedding dress.

Everything zipped up easy-peasy until they got to the top, between my shoulder blades. Then it took some hard work, but she finally got it all zipped.

The problem? The way that fully zipping up the dress redistributed my weight on top put undue pressure on the straps to… keep things up, so to speak. But it looked OK… Or… as OK as one could expect a dress with the completely wrong cut for my body type to look.

My mom SO RARELY does anything girly, though. When I want to talk fashion, I go to my dad. When I want to educate about fashion, I go to my mom. So, mom actually having a girly moment was actually super sweet, and nobody wanted to spoil it. So, when she suggested I go show my dad myself in the dress, I happily complied.

After about a minute, the right strap… had enough. And promptly broke up in a cartoonishly dramatic fashion. (Luckily, everything was still covered!)

There was a moment of intense, dramatic silence where we all exchanged glances in what felt like EXTREME CLOSEUP reaction shots of our eyes.

And then my mom started laughing uncontrollably. Like, hardcore cackling.

Then we all had a giggle fit.

Then we watched the rest of the episode together as a family, and I wore my mom’s broken wedding dress.

My family is the greatest. And I’m super glad my mom isn’t the girly type who would care that I broke her wedding dress with my boobs.