#dad!finan

Lucinda sank into the seat of her car as she shut the door behind her, allowing her head to fall back on the headrest and close her eyes for a few moments. It had been a busy day at work and she was exhausted, but she knew that as soon as she got home she would have to get changed then go straight out the door to pick up the kids from school and then start making dinner. She wouldn’t be able to have a proper rest probably until the kids were in bed, so she savoured every few moments of peace she could find.

Eventually she drove home, her mind preoccupied by reminding herself when the bins needed to be put out and what day each of her children had PE and trying to remember if their sports clothes were clean. She was so deep in thought she almost missed the young man hovering outside her house. As she pulled into the driveway, the lad looked at her nervously, shifting from foot to foot and looking increasingly uncomfortable.

‘Can I help you?’ she asked with a smile as she got out of the car.

‘Oh, err, I’m sorry to bother you,’ the young man spoke in an Irish accent, ‘I’m looking for a man named Finan Rowley?’

‘Well, you’re in the right place. May I ask what you want with him?’

He looked down at his feet and wrang his hands together as he answered. ‘He’s… my dad.’

Lucinda looked at the young man for a moment; he looked like he was in his late teens with chestnut hair and green eyes, and now she thought about it there was a definite resemblance to her husband, especially in his nose and face. She gave him a warm smile and walked over towards him. ‘Are you Rohan or Bran?’

He looked at her in surprise, before regaining his composure slightly. ‘Rohan.’

‘Well, nice to meet you, Rohan. I’m Lucinda, Finan’s wife. He won’t be back for another couple of hours, but you are more than welcome to wait inside.’ She unlocked the front door and held it open for him. He looked unsure, nervously looking over his shoulder. ‘I don’t bite,’ she told him lightly, flashing him a smile.

After a moment he nodded and went inside. Lucinda followed him in, throwing her keys onto the sideboard and hanging her jacket on the peg before kicking her work shoes off. Rohan took his own shoes off, giving her a nervous smile as he followed her through to the living room.

‘I’m sorry I’ll have to dash in a minute to pick the kids up, but you’re welcome to wait here until I get back – I’ll trust you not to steal anything!’ she laughed as she went into the kitchen. ‘Can I get you a drink? Tea? Coffee? Coke? Juice?’ she called back over her shoulder.

‘I’ll have a coke, please.’

She grabbed him a coke from the fridge and made herself a strong coffee in her carry mug. When she came back from the kitchen, she found Rohan staring at the large number of family photos on the mantlepiece. ‘Thanks,’ he said politely as he took the coke from her. ‘You have a lovely home.’

‘You mean it’s a nice house. It’s the people that make it a home.’

He genuinely smiled at that. ‘Are these your and Finan’s kids?’ he asked, nodding to a photo of Saara, Lorcán and Solvor on their most recent holiday, standing in front of the massive sandcastle they had made. She nodded, a fond smile lighting up her face. ‘So, they’re my half-siblings?’

‘They are, plus Aoife,’ she said, gesturing to a smaller photo of her youngest daughter as a new born in Finan’s arms, ‘although Saara technically isn’t. I had her before I met Finan, but he’s the only father she’s ever known.’

‘And these people?’ he asked, pointing to another photo of her and all her sisters.

‘That’s my family. I have lots of sisters, you see.’

He gave her a sad smile, putting back the picture of her and Finan’s wedding, Saara at their feet in her bridesmaid’s dress, that he had been looking at. ‘Is he…’ he began but stopped, looking uncomfortable.

‘Is he what? You can ask whatever you like.’

‘Is he a good a father to your kids?’

She grinned at him. ‘The best one I could ever have asked for,’ she told him earnestly, ‘he loves those kids more than anything.’ Rohan’s face fell slightly, staring at the photos of their happy faces. ‘He loved you too, you know,’ she added, making him look at her in surprise. ‘He made a lot of mistakes when he was younger and I know he wasn’t a great father to you, but I know he always wished he could have had a second chance, to get to know you – but of course Conall made that impossible.’

‘Dad didn’t let us talk about him,’ he said quietly, and by dad she assumed he meant Conall, ‘and if I tried asking him about any of it, he would go absolutely mental. So I just stopped asking.’

‘Well, if you wait an hour or two you can get to know him a little better, but right now I need to pick up the rascals from school.’ She went upstairs and quickly replaced her work clothes for jeans and a t-shirt and grabbed her jacket and keys from the hall. She poked her head round the living room door and gave Rohan a smile. ‘Make yourself at home, feel free to turn the TV on and watch Netflix or whatever, I’ll be about half an hour.’ He gave her a smile and a quick nod.

She walked at brisk pace to the local primary school and picked up Lorcán as well as Ealhswith’s kids, Elflaed and Dagny. Lorcán and Dagny were both in Year 1 and were thick as thieves, whilst Elflaed was a few years older in Year 4. They all began talking excitedly about their day, Lorcán telling her all about the rainforest whilst Dagny showed her a picture she had drawn and Elflaed complained about the ‘immature boys’ in her class.

They walked the short distance to the pre-school to pick up Solvor and then carried on until they reached Ealhswith’s house. Her friend opened the door with a tired smile on her face, making room as her kids barged themselves inside. ‘Hey, Lucinda, you alright?’

‘You know, the usual,’ she sighed. ‘You?’

‘Sihtric is completely freaking out over his GCSE’s so I’ve been better. It’s his own bloody fault for not revising earlier enough!’ Ealhswith grimaced. ‘Anyway, are you staying for a coffee?’

‘Can’t today I’m afraid,’ she answered, remembering the guest that she had just abandoned in her house.

‘Well I’ll go get her then, so you can be getting home.’ Ealhswith returned with Aoife a few minutes later, handing her over to Lucinda. ‘She’s been an angel.’

‘I swear she likes you better than me, she’s never this good at home.’

‘She knows that she’s with her cool Aunt Ealhswith!’

They said goodbye to Ealhswith, Dagny and Ealflaed, and walked the remaining way home. As they approached their front door, she turned and looked at Solvor and Lorcán. ‘Okay, so mummy and daddy have a visitor, alright? So I need you to be nice and polite. We want to make a nice first impression, don’t we?’

They nodded, Lorcán’s head tilted to one side in thought. ‘Who are they? Do we know them?’

‘No, you don’t. They’re here to talk to daddy so we’re going to say hello and then you can go upstairs and play in your rooms, okay?’ They nodded again.

When she opened the door, they ran into the living room, throwing their book bags at the bottom of the stairs and hurrying to see who the visitor was. As Lucinda walked in after them, she gave Rohan an apologetic smile as her children pestered him with questions, however he didn’t seem to mind too much. Eventually the kids calmed down and went to play upstairs, and after she had put Aoife down to sleep, it was once again just her and Rohan.

They talked more, mostly about the children and Lucinda’s family and how her and Finan met. He didn’t seem to want to talk much about himself, which she didn’t mind. He did say that he had come to England to study and was at a university not too far away.

She was ready to apologise for having to abandon him again when the time approached to prepare dinner, but to her surprise he offered to help her cook and to even more of her surprise he turned out to be very proficient in the kitchen, unlike Finan.

Lucinda had just put the lasagne in the oven when she heard the front door bang shut and a second later Saara strolled into the kitchen, her school shirt untucked, and her tie shoved into her trouser pocket.

‘Hey, mum,’ she muttered, not giving her a second glance and heading straight to the fridge.

‘Hi sweetheart, did you have a good day?’

Her daughter shrugged. ‘It was alright.’ She took the carton of chocolate milkshake from the fridge and poured herself a glass, finally turning around and spotting Rohan. ‘Who are you?’ she asked bluntly.

‘I’m Rohan,’ he replied, giving her a smile.

‘He’s here to talk to dad.’

‘Cool,’ Saara replied with another shrug, already bored with the conversation. ‘See ya’ later.’

‘Dinner will be about half an hour,’ Lucinda shouted after her, but her daughter had already disappeared up the stairs. ‘Teenagers,’ she sighed, turning back to Rohan. ‘All she does is spend time in her room. I haven’t got a clue what goes on in that head of hers these days.’

‘Don’t worry, Bran’s the same. Spends most of his time in his room playing his Xbox.’

‘Are you close with your brother?’

‘Yeah, I guess,’ he answered with a slight shrug. ‘We just don’t have that much in common though.’

‘Do you think there’s any chance of Bran getting in contact with Finan, even if it was just a phone call?’ she asked hopefully, she knew how much it would mean to Finan.

Rohan’s face fell and he shook his head. ‘He doesn’t wanna’ know. As far as he’s concerned Finan isn’t our dad. I think he just pretends he doesn’t exist, like dad wants us to.’

She hummed in response to that, turning her back to him whilst she began preparing the salad. It had been Finan’s choice to leave his family, to run off with his brother’s wife and leave his kids behind; he had acted like an arsehole, something he admitted and felt extremely guilty for. He had wanted to make amends, and god knows he had tried to contact them, to apologise, to try and be there for his kids, but Conall had made sure he never saw or heard from them again. She could understand the anger and resentment, but it had been fifteen years ago, and he was their father, after all.

Not long after Saara’s arrival, she heard a car pull into the driveway and knew that Finan had come home from work. She glanced at Rohan and he seemed to realise from the look she gave him that the time had come, anxiety written on his face. After giving him a reassuring smile, she rushed from the room and almost bumped into Finan in the hall.

‘Hey, mo grá,’ he said with a tired smile, leaning down to kiss her cheek gently. ‘How’s ya’ day been?’

‘Interesting,’ she answered, wringing her hands together. ‘Finan, Rohan is here.’

His head snapped to look at her, shock in his eyes. He stood for a moment, his mouth opening and closing without any words coming out. ‘What? Why? What do ya’… really? Shit,’ he spluttered, rubbing his hand over his face and through his hair.

‘He’s in the kitchen.’

‘What am I supposed to say to him? I haven’t seen him since he was three years old!’

‘Just tell him the truth,’ she told him, placing a comforting hand on his arm. ‘You have wanted the chance to see him for as long as I’ve known you, now you have that chance! You’ll be fine!’

He gave her a look which clearly said he didn’t believe her, before shaking himself and moving to the kitchen, Lucinda just behind him. He stopped in the doorway, rooted to the spot as he just stared at an equally awkward looking Rohan.

‘Hi,’ Rohan said nervously.

‘Hey,’ Finan replied, slowly moving further into the room. ‘I guess you’re Rohan?’

He nodded slowly and an awkward silence fell over the room.

‘Rohan was telling me that he’s at university not too far from here,’ she threw in, trying to end the deafening silence.

‘Really? What ya’ studying?’

‘Law.’

‘Ya’ must be pretty smart to do that,’ Finan grinned. ‘Are ya’ enjoying it?’

‘Yeah, it’s good. Although strange to be so far away from home.’

Finan nodded in understanding, but before he could reply, Lorcán came running into the room, asking when dinner was ready as he was ‘starving!’

‘It won’t be long,’ Lucinda answered her son with a sigh. ‘Why don’t you do mummy a favour and lay the table?’

Lorcán groaned but did as he was told after she glared at him.

‘Are ya’ staying for dinner?’ Finan asked, hope in his voice.

‘Oh, I don’t want to intrude…’

‘Nonsense!’ Lucinda dismissed. ‘After all your help preparing it, I’m not sending you away hungry! There’s plenty to go round!’

‘Alright then,’ Rohan said, ‘if ya’ sure ya’ want me here.’ He looked at Finan, seemingly still unsure whether he should stay or not.

‘I’d like ya’ to stay,’ Finan told him earnestly, bringing a slight smile to his son’s face.

Dinner was slightly awkward, neither Finan nor Rohan seeming to know what to say to the other. However, the conversation flowed nicely due to the children’s excited chatter, telling her and Finan all about what they got up to at school and pestering Rohan with questions. Rohan seemed happy enough to answer them; from simple ones like where he was from and why he had the same accent as their dad, to some rather eclectic ones like if he preferred moths or butterflies and which Doctor Who monster was his favourite.

Once dinner was finished, she put Aoife down to have a nap and sent Lorcán and Solvor upstairs to play, whilst she and Saara did the washing up and Finan and Rohan sat together in the living room.

‘What’s Rohan doing here?’ Saara questioned as she put the dried plates away. ‘What does he need to talk to dad about?’

‘You’ll have to ask your dad,’ she answered, concentrating on washing the last of the dirty dishes. They would have to tell Saara at some point, she was too smart to not know there was something going on, but she would prefer for her and Finan to tell her together.

When the clearing up was finished and Saara had retreated back to her room, Lucinda put her head round the living room door and saw Finan and Rohan talking together on the sofa, a collection of cards and letters between them.

‘Can I get you anything?’ she asked, wanting to make Rohan feel as welcome as possible.

‘I’m fine, thank you,’ he answered with a genuine smile. ‘Although it’s getting late, so I should probably get going.’

‘Stay,’ Finan said immediately. ‘We have a spare room. Sleep here so ya’ don’t have to walk back in the dark. We can lend ya’ a toothbrush and pyjamas and stuff.’

Lucinda nodded and although he seemed unsure, Rohan agreed. ‘I’ll just go and put some clean sheets on the bed,’ she said with a smile, moving towards the airing cupboard at the top of the stairs.

‘Mrs Rowley,’ Rohan called after her, bounding up the stairs to catch up with her. ‘I’d just like to say how grateful I am. For you having me and for how kind you’ve been.’

‘It’s no problem at all. I’m glad you came to visit,’ she said genuinely with a smile. ‘And call me Lucinda, please!’

He nodded ‘I’m glad I came too. I want to get to know Finan, and my half siblings too, if that’s alright?’

‘Of course it is,’ she beamed back at him.

After getting his room ready, she returned downstairs to find Finan sitting alone, looking intently at a photo in his hand. She sat down gently beside him, wrapping an arm around him and kissing the side of his head.

‘They’ve grown up so much,’ he murmured, tears in his eyes as he looked down at the photo of Rohan and another boy, who she assumed to be Bran, standing in front of a castle with their arms around each other. ‘I wish I had seen them grow up.’

‘But at least you’ve got to meet Rohan now,’ she tried to comfort him, to which he nodded slightly. Her attention was then drawn to the mass of paper on the sofa next to him. ‘What’s all that?’

‘All the letters and cards I sent them,’ he said quietly. ‘I sent them birthday cards every year, tried writing to them too when they were older. He said that Conall burned a lot of them before they got a chance to read them, the only reason these exist is because his ma hid them. It’s how he found us. Dealla showed him them before he left for uni and I had written our address on one of them.’

‘Why didn’t she show them to them before?’

‘I dunno. She was afraid of Conall, I guess. From what Rohan said, he doesn’t sound like the easiest man to live with.’

‘But why now? Why did she show them to him at all?’

He sighed deeply, rubbing his fingers through his beard. ‘She’s ill,’ he replied quietly, ‘has been for a while by the sounds of it. I guess she doesn’t have long left and wanted to give them to him before she goes.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I might not have loved her,’ he said with a deep sigh, ‘but she was a good woman. She didn’t deserve what I did to her, and she certainly doesn’t deserve to die.’

‘Sometimes the best people die too young.’

She took his hand in hers and squeezed it gently as she couldn’t help but think of her own sister, Solvor, who she had named her daughter after, who had died in a car crash when she had only been in her twenties. Moira, Conall’s former wife who Finan had fallen in live with, had also died young, cancer taking her away from Finan before their lives together could even really start.

‘He said that he wants to get to know you,’ she told him, ‘and the kids too. I think he means it.’

Finan brightened at the news, a hopeful smile on his face. ‘I hope so. I know he’s a man now and doesn’t need me, but I just want him to know I’m here for him and that I care.’

‘I think he already knows that. You’re a great father, and I’m sure in time he will realise that.’

It was Christmas Eve and Lucinda and Finan were hosting a party at their house with a few of their friends. It had been a few months since Rohan had turned up on their doorstep; he had visited a couple more times and him and Finan had been exchanging a constant stream of texts. Finan was glad for a second chance at being a father to him and to get to know the man his son had become.

He was laughing with Uhtred and Sihtric in the living room when his phone began to ring. He took it out of his pocket and frowned when he saw Rohan’s name lit up on the screen. He had gone home to Ireland for the holidays, and he hadn’t expected him to contact him. He excused himself from his friends and went into the hall to answer.

‘Hey, you okay?’

‘I- I… I’m sorry it’s late and it’s Christmas Eve but I, I don’t know what to do,’ Rohan answered, his voice strained as if he was on the brink of tears.

‘What’s happened? Are ya’ alright? Do ya’ need me to do anything?’

‘Can you pick me up from the airport? I know it’s a long drive but-‘

‘I’m on my way,’ he said immediately, not caring about the long drive or the late hour. ‘Just stay where you are, I’ll come and get ya’.’

‘Thank you, Finan,’ Rohan sniffled on the other end of the phone. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Don’t apologise, I don’t mind. I’ll leave straight away.’

He hung up and grabbed his coat and car keys, slipping into the crowded living room and gesturing to Lucinda to follow him. ‘What’s the matter?’ she asked with a frown as they stood in the hall.

‘Rohan called, he’s at the airport.’

‘The airport?’ she repeated. ‘Why’s he there? I thought he was back in Ireland?’

‘I don’t know, but I’m going to pick him up – he sounded upset.’

‘Alright, well, drive safely.’ She gave him a quick kiss. ‘Love you.’

‘Love ya’ too,’ he said back before opening the front door and stepping into the chill night air.

The drive to the airport took several hours, made worse by the Christmas Eve traffic on the motorway, but eventually he arrived just after it had turned midnight. He had grown increasingly worried over the journey, trying to think what might have happened to leave Rohan stranded at an airport on Christmas Eve.

He found him waiting just inside the building, a large number of suitcases by his side, and he felt his chest flood with relief at finding him safe and sound.

‘Hey, what happened?’ he asked, but Rohan only shook his head and threw his arms around him in a hug. They had never actually hugged before, not since before Finan had left when he had been a little kid, and it took Finan aback momentarily, before pulling him closer and wrapping an arm around him. ‘It’s alright,’ he hushed, ‘I’m here.’

‘Sorry for dragging you out here.’

‘Please stop apologising. I’m ya’ dad, I said I wanted to be there for ya’ and I meant it. I’m just glad ya’ called me. Now let’s get your stuff in the car and go home.’

They sat in silence as they travelled home, Finan occasionally glancing at his son in the passenger seat to see if he was okay. ‘So,’ he said after a while, ‘are ya’ going to tell me what happened?’

‘Ma’s dead.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

‘We all knew it was coming, she’d been getting worse and worse recently, but it was still a shock. I guess I always somehow thought it would all turn out alright. I know that sounds childish but…’

‘No, it doesn’t. We all hold onto the little hope we can find when we’re losing someone we love,’ Finan said earnestly, remembering desperately clinging to the hope that Moira would get better when deep down he had known she wouldn’t.

‘Anyway,’ Rohan continued, wiping his eyes, ‘dad took it really badly; being more controlling about everything than he normally is. I said I thought we should invite you to the funeral; I thought you might have wanted the chance to talk to her one last time,’ he said with a shrug. ‘He went absolutely crazy. He didn’t want to even tell you she had died – he said it was none of your business. I said that you at least deserved to know and of course he then wanted to know why I cared so much about you all of a sudden, so I told him I’d been to see you and he just lost it. Started telling me how I had betrayed him and ma, how I was a disgrace, and how no son of his would ever have anything to do with you. So, I said that I wasn’t his real son, that he couldn’t tell me who I could or couldn’t talk to. I told him that ma wanted us to have the chance to get to know you, that she hadn’t been happy with him, because it’s the truth, she was miserable with him! He said I was a dirty liar and then he threw me out.’

‘What?’ Finan asked, horrified.

‘I don’t have anywhere to go, Finan. He told me to pack my bags and leave. I…’ He shook his head as fresh tears rolled down his face.

Anger rose in Finan’s chest. He couldn’t believe how Conall had treated the boy he had raised as his own, how he could just throw someone he considered a son onto the street like that. He gritted his teeth and forced himself to stay calm for Rohan’s sake. He pulled over onto the hard shoulder, bringing the car to a stop.

‘Look at me,’ he said firmly, turning to face his son. ‘Ya’ have a home with me and Lucinda, always. I’m here for you okay? And we’re going to work everything out.’

‘Thank you, Finan,’ Rohan murmured in reply as Finan leant across and pulled him into a hug.

They carried on the journey, rain beginning to hammer against the windscreen. They sat in silence, only the drum of the rain and the sound of the window wipers able to be heard above the hum of the engine.

‘Can I ask you something?’ Rohan asked after a while, turning slightly in his seat to look at him better.

‘Sure.’

‘Why did you leave?’

Finan sighed. They had talked a lot over the last few months, but neither of them had broached this particular subject.

‘I didn’t love your mother,’ he began, keeping his eyes fixed firmly on the road ahead of him. ‘I thought I did, but we were little more than kids, no clue what love was really. I was the same age you are now when she found out she was pregnant with you. It was a shock, neither of us knew what to do but we made the best of it. By that point I think we both knew that we weren’t right for each other, but we wouldn’t admit it to ourselves. We got married because we thought it was the right thing to do, for you and our families, had your brother and tried to pretend everything was fine between us. Then I met Moira.’

Despite the sadness in his chest from retelling his past, he couldn’t help but smile at the memory of the first time he had met Moira. Conall had come back from university with her on his arm, the two of them already engaged. The first time they met was at a family dinner; she had been sat beside him at the table and he could tell she was extremely nervous about meeting them all, he had told her a joke and made her smile, and he swore he had never seen anything more beautiful.

‘I fell for her the moment I saw her; I couldn’t help it. They got married too quickly, she and Conall had only known each other a few months when they got engaged, and Conall soon got bored of her. He didn’t deserve her. Nowhere close. The more Conall pushed her away, the closer we became, and we started having an affair. I’m not proud of it, I knew it was wrong, but I was so in love with her I didn’t care.’

He paused, working up the courage to relive the next part. They had been happy together, however the dark cloud of her illness had always hung above their heads and the memory of slowly watching her turn frail and become a shell of her former self still haunted his mind.

‘Then she found out she was ill. More than ill – she was dying. And she didn’t want to spend the little time she had left with a man that ignored her and made her miserable. She wanted to be happy, to feel love, and I wanted to give it to her. So we left. We travelled and visited all the places she had dreamed of seeing, made as many memories as we could. I stupidly thought that you and your brother would be there waiting for me when I got back, thought I could just walk back into your lives like nothing had changed, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. I buried the woman I loved and came back to realise I’d lost my boys too and my family wanted nothing to do with me. And it was all my own fault.’

‘Finan…’ Rohan began, but Finan shook his head sadly, finally glancing over to look at his son as tears spilled from his eyes.

‘I don’t regret leaving ya’ mother. I don’t regret making Moira happy, or loving her, or holding her hand until the very end. But I do regret the way I went about it. I regret that I lost you and your brother. I shouldn’t have just walked out. I wish I’d done it all differently.’

There was silence for a moment. ‘That’s not how Conall told it,’ Rohan muttered through gritted teeth, anger and bitterness in his voice. Finan glanced over at him, realising that was the first time his son had called Conall by his name and not ‘dad’. ‘He didn’t tell us anything about her being ill. He made it out like he and Moira had been madly in love and you had stolen her from him. He certainly never said that you had wanted to come back for us. You didn’t want anything to do with us, is what he told us, and I believed him.’

‘You were a kid, Rohan, of course ya’ believed him. Why wouldn’t ya’? He was basically your father after all.’

He nodded slowly, looking out the window as rain continued to fall. ‘Finan,’ he murmured after a few beats of silence. ‘I forgive you. I understand why ya’ left.’

A sad smile pulled at Finan’s lips; his son’s forgiveness meant a lot to him, but it didn’t change the mistakes he had made or the years together they had lost. Nothing could change the past, but he was determined to make sure he was there for his son in the future.

When they arrived at the house it had gone two in the morning, their friends’ cars no longer filling the driveway and the house dark as most people had gone home and to bed. When Finan kicked his shoes off and walked into the living room, only Lucinda, Caia and Uhtred were still there.

‘What are you still doing here?’ he asked Uhtred. ‘With all the kids ya’ have between ya’ I’m sure you’ll get woken up early on Christmas morning.’

‘You disappeared. We were worried about you,’ Caia answered.

‘I tried telling them it was nothing to worry about,’ Lucinda said slightly exasperated, giving a sideways look at her older sister.

‘So, what was the big emergency then?’ Uhtred asked.

‘Well…’ Finan began but stopped as Rohan came through the door behind him, coming to stand beside him awkwardly. ‘I had to pick this one up,’ he said after a moment’s pause. ‘This is my son, Rohan. Rohan this is Lucinda’s sister, Caia, and my brother-in-law, Uhtred.’

‘Nice to meet ya’.’

‘You too,’ Caia said politely, trying to contain her confusion. Uhtred, on the other hand, wasn’t even attempting to hide his utter shock, his eyes jumping between Finan and Rohan.

‘What do you mean your son?’

‘Uhtred, it’s a long story for another day. Right now, I just want to go to bed.’

‘But-‘

‘Let them get some rest,’ Caia interrupted her husband, getting up to leave. She pulled a reluctant Uhtred to his feet and gave her sister a hug goodbye.

‘I expect you to tell me everything!’ Uhtred murmured when he pulled Finan into a man hug, his tone making it clear Finan wasn’t getting out of retelling that particular story.

------

As expected, Finan was woken at the crack of dawn by two excited children jumping onto the bed. He groaned, his body strongly against the idea of waking up after going to bed late the night before, and blinked sleepily against the light streaming through the curtains. He felt an impatient nudge on his shoulder and opened his eyes fully to see Solvor grinning up at him.

‘Father Christmas has come!’

‘Has he?’ he murmured back as he hauled himself into a sitting position, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Lucinda was already awake beside him, an equally eager Lorcán pulling on her hand and encouraging her to her feet.

‘He has!’ his son told them with an ecstatic grin on his face. ‘There’s a whole pile of presents downstairs and our stockings are full!’

‘And the mince pie has been eaten and Rudolf ate the carrot we left him!’ Solvor added.

‘Well, I guess that means you’ve been good this year,’ Finan smiled at them as he forced himself out of the warmth of the bed and pulled a jumper on over his pyjamas.

‘Can we open them?’

‘We can once Saara’s up,’ Lucinda answered Lorcán. ‘We always open them together, don’t we?’

Solvor groaned. ‘I tried waking her up and she told me to go away!’

Finan glanced at the clock on the bedside table and shook his head. It had only just turned 7 am, he couldn’t imagine his teenage daughter had been happy being woken up so early by her siblings.

They clambered down the stairs and into the living room, Finan making a start on breakfast whilst Lucinda had gone to check on Aoife. Whilst they were eating breakfast, Saara came downstairs, wishing them a happy Christmas through a yawn.

‘Why is Rohan here?’ she asked as she helped herself to some toast.

‘What?’ Lorcán asked with a frown, looking up from his pancakes.

‘I saw him come out of the bathroom this morning.’

‘He’s going to be spending Christmas with us,’ Lucinda explained with a smile.

‘Why?’ Saara questioned, a scrutinising look on her face that reminded Finan very much of Lucinda.

‘Because he’s family,’ Finan explained. They had explained to the children that Rohan was their half-brother and had been living in Ireland with his mum after his second visit. Solvor and Lorcán had simply accepted the fact they had another sibling and seemed happy to have him around. Saara also seemed to get on well with Rohan, however she had been angry at Finan and Lucinda for a while for not telling her that she had two half-siblings that she had never met, although she seemed to have forgiven them.

‘But I thought he was spending Christmas in Ireland with his mum?’

‘He was, but unfortunately his mum died, and he wanted to come and stay with us.’

‘Oh,’ Saara said in a small voice, her gaze dropping to the plate in front of her.

Just then the door opened and Rohan walked in, looking slightly sheepish. Finan wondered if he had been listening to their conversation.

‘I’m sorry about your mum,’ Lorcán told him. ‘Would you like a pancake? Daddy often makes me pancakes when I’m sad.’

‘I’d love a pancake, thank you,’ Rohan answered with a smile as he took the seat next to Saara.

After breakfast they began opening presents, Finan’s kids all excitedly ripping off the wrapping paper of their respective parcels and eagerly showing them what ‘Father Christams’ had brought them, Lucinda and Finan pretending not to have wrapped them the night before.

‘And this one,’ Lucinda said as she took out one of the last presents from under the tree, ‘is for Rohan.’

‘Father Christmas got Rohan a present?’ Lorcán asked with wide eyes.

‘But how did he know he would be here?’ Solvor frowned.

‘Father Christmas knows where everyone is, that’s how he knows if you are being naughty or good!’ Saara explained, happy to play along pretending that Father Christmas was real for the benefit of her siblings.

Lucinda handed the present to Rohan who looked at it as if lost for words. ‘Open it!’

He undid the wrapping paper to reveal an autobiography of a footballer he had mentioned he liked and a large bar of chocolate. He looked up at them and grinned. ‘Thank you, I wasn’t expecting you to get me anything.’

‘Of course we got ya’ something,’ Finan told him from where he sat on the sofa with sleepy Aoife on his chest.

‘I think you mean Father Christmas got him something!’ Saara said sternly, trying to hide a laugh.

‘Oh right, of course,’ Finan corrected himself, sharing an amused look with Lucinda across the room.

Once Solvor and Lorcán had disappeared upstairs to play with their new toys, Finan, still with Aoife asleep against him, Rohan and Saara sat downstairs on the sofa, watching whatever came on the TV whilst Lucinda cooked dinner.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t get any of you guys a present,’ Rohan said after a moment, guilt in his voice. ‘Ya’ really didn’t have to get me anything.’

‘It wasn’t much and ya’ spending Christmas with us is a gift enough,’ Finan replied earnestly. For a long time he had thought he would never spend another Christmas with Rohan again, and he was so glad to be able to spend time together as a family. Rohan was slowly becoming a part of his and Lucinda’s family, and it felt right to have him there with them.

‘Thank you for having me.’

‘We like having you here,’ Saara answered to Finan’s surprise. ‘I like having an older brother.’

‘And I like having a sister,’ Rohan replied with an almost nervous smile, bumping his shoulder against Saara’s.

Finan couldn’t help but beam at the sight of them.

‘This was a bad idea,’ Rohan muttered as they sat in the car, watching as people slowly filed into the church.

‘She’s your mother, you have every right to be here, and I wasn’t going to let you face them all on ya’ own, was I?’

‘But Finan, I don’t want to cause a scene.’

‘We’ll just slip in and out, no one will notice us.’

Rohan shook his head, not believing him at all. He hadn’t wanted to come; he didn’t want to have to face Conall and Bran again, but he knew that if he hadn’t, he would have regretted it. This was his mother’s funeral and he should be here – he wanted to be able to say goodbye to her one last time.

Lucinda squeezed his hand from where she sat on the back seat next to him, giving him a comforting smile. He hadn’t expected her or Finan to want to come, but they had insisted. He liked having them there, he somehow felt safer with them around, but he knew that if Conall spotted them there would be hell to pay.

‘Ready?’ Lucinda asked him quietly as the last people disappeared inside the church.

‘Sure,’ he replied noncommittedly, deep down feeling like he was about to be sick.

They got out of the car and walked across the street to the churchyard, slipping inside the large doors to the church and taking the row closest to the back, far away from all the other mourners. Barely anyone turned to see them come in, and if they did, they didn’t make a sign they had realised who they were. Rohan let out some of the tension he had been holding, rubbing his hands together nervously as Lucinda put an arm around him.

A second later, the doors opened again and the coffin was carried in, Conall and his brother walking behind. Bran caught his eye and frowned but quickly faced forward again as if he hadn’t seen him. Conall thankfully seemed none the wiser to Finan’s presence.

The service went by quickly, Rohan mumbling his way through the prayers and hardly listening to what was said, his vision blurring as tears filled his eyes. He’d always been close to his mother, far more than he had ever been with Conall, even when he had considered him his father. All he could feel was an emptiness inside his heart as he came to terms with the fact that she was really gone for good. Finan took his hand in his and he was thankful for it; after his mother’s death he had felt so alone, like he had no home anymore, but with Finan and Lucinda by his side, he felt like he was where he belonged.

He felt Finan tense beside him and he looked up and realised why – Conall had moved to the front of the church facing those who had gathered, staring right at them. There was anger in his face but he seemed to swallow it down and began to read the poem in his hand, before talking about how much he loved and would miss his late wife. Rohan thought that Conall had probably loved his mother, but he hadn’t always been kind to her and had always been far too controlling. His mother had been a gentle soul and had deserved better.

When the last prayer finished, they got up and quietly left the room by the side door, walking out into the crisp winter air and hurrying back towards their car. However, before they made it to the road, the doors crashed open behind them and Conall’s voice stopped them in their tracks. They turned slowly to see him marching over to them, his face red with anger.

‘You!’ he seethed, pointing at Finan. ‘You have a lot of guts showing up here.’

‘She’s my ex-wife, I wanted to pay my respects. As far as I was aware that’s not against the law,’ Finan growled in reply, turning to face his brother fully.

‘And you!’ Conall shouted, turning towards Rohan. ‘I thought I said I never wanted to see your face again! You’re a disgrace! Your mother would be ashamed of you!’

Finan moved in front of him, putting himself between him and Conall as Lucinda moved closer and took his hand.

‘Don’t talk to him like that!’

‘And what are you going to do about it?’

‘Seriously?’ Lucinda asked, anger rising in her voice. ‘You two are going to do this here? This is a funeral. You’re grieving. Let’s just go and be on our way, we don’t need to make a scene!’

‘And who are you?’ Conall demanded.

‘My name is Lucinda. I’m Finan’s wife.’

He scoffed in reply. ‘I’d be careful, darling. Your husband has a habit of stealing other men’s wives.’

‘I didn’t steal anyone! Moira practically begged me to get her away from you!’

‘Careful,’ Conall warned, stepping slightly closer, his voice low. ‘I loved her.’

‘Ya’ treated her like shit!’ Finan snapped back. ‘Ya’ didn’t even come to her fucking funeral!’

‘And what about you? You abandoned your own children! Walked out on your wife like she was nothing!’

Rohan could feel hot angry tears running down his face. Enough was enough. ‘Stop lying!’ he shouted at Conall, making him look up in shock. ‘All you’ve done is lie to us! You told us Finan didn’t care about us, and yet he sent us birthday cards every year! Ma showed me! She hid them from you, and she showed me! She wanted us to have the chance of meeting him. I’m not the one that betrayed her – you did! You were controlling and you were so blinded by hate of Finan you couldn’t see that she wasn’t happy!’

Conall’s face had turned a deep purple, his body shaking with rage as he lunged towards him. ‘You take that back-‘

Before he could reach him, Finan moved between them and shoved him back. ‘Don’t ya’ dare lay a hand on my son!’

Conall didn’t reply, only shaking his head before punching Finan square in the jaw, making Lucinda cry out and Rohan gasp.

‘That’s enough!’ Lucinda shouted, wrapping her arms around her husband. ‘We’re leaving!’

She dragged Finan away from Conall and back towards the car. Rohan hung back a moment, staring the man he had always considered a father down. Conall swore and turned and stalked away, back towards the large gathering of people who had watched the confrontation. Among the crowd was Bran. His eyes met Rohan’s and the two brothers shared a long look. Eventually Bran shook his head and turned away, moving to Conall’s side and disappearing out of sight.

THREE YEARS LATER:

‘Rohan! Rohan!’ Lucinda shouted as she grabbed his hand. ‘Let’s get a picture of you and Saara together!’

‘Haven’t you taken enough photos?’ Rohan shot back but did what she asked none the less. Saara rolled her eyes but smiled for the camera as Rohan placed his arm around her shoulders.

‘Now how about one with everyone?’

‘Mo grá, we have taken more than enough, Finan tried to tell her but she shook her head.

‘He’s only going to graduate once, Finan! I want to have plenty of photos to celebrate his achievement.’

‘Come on Finan,’ Rohan grinned at him, ‘a few photos won’t kill you.’

Finan sighed. ‘Fine, one more.’ Lucinda smiled at him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek in thanks, finding some poor stranger to take the photo for her.

They all gathered together, Rohan in the middle and Solvor, Lorcán and Aoife standing at the front.

‘Can I have a photo?’ a voice came from behind them, making them turn to see, to their surprise, Bran standing a couple of metres away from them, wringing his hands together anxiously. ‘Hey, big brother.’

‘Bran? What are you doing here?’ Rohan asked in disbelief, closing the distance between them and bringing his brother into a tight hug.

‘I heard you were graduating. Had to see it with my own eyes to believe it!’

Rohan laughed before quickly releasing him, giving him a frown. ‘Conall’s not here is he?’

‘No, don’t worry, it’s just me.’ Bran then turned to Finan, giving him a small smile. ‘Hey.’

‘Hey,’ Finan said back. There was so many things he wanted to tell him but before he could, Bran talked first.

‘You’re not my dad.’ Finan nodded stiffly, looking at his feet. ‘But Rohan is my brother and I don’t want to lose him.’ He looked back up at him and saw that he was being genuine. ‘So… maybe we can be friends?’

‘I’d love that,’ Finan grinned at him, a weight lifting from his chest. ‘What about Conall?’

‘He says he’s fine with it, well, he’s not happy about it but he won’t stop me.’ He sighed and looked at his brother. ‘What do ya’ say? I know we haven’t spoken much over the last couple of years, but I really want my brother back.’

Rohan didn’t answer, he just threw his arms around him again.

‘We’re going out for dinner to celebrate; would you like to come?’ Lucinda asked Bran after he had been released from Rohan’s bear hug.

‘I’d like that,’ he grinned back.

Finan smiled as he picked Aoife up and put her on his shoulders as they all began to walk towards the car pack, a warm, happy feeling in his heart.