#cycle 29

I can't seem to get rid of this migraine... 5 days now! It's worse than usual and stressing me out. ☹️ Calling the doctor today.

13 DPO My period didn't start! Now, I'm not celebrating because I think I'm pregnant. I'm celebrating because that makes for another 13 day luteal phase. Ever since I started having LH surges in Dec 2015 I've had a 10-12 day "luteal phase" It had been consistently 12 for the last year or so. After Cycle 27's progesterone draw being lower than the doctor would like to confirm ovulation we increased my Clomid and started follicle monitoring. In Cycle 28 I had one follicle large enough and a second one teetering right on the edge. I had a 13 day luteal phase. I figured it was a fluke. Now in Cycle 29 it happened again - with one large follicle. I mean. There's a lot of testing to come over the next couple months but that slightly longer luteal mixed with good follicles just feels like a sign that maybe my body is starting to get this right. Beyond that - I had a lot of period symptoms today. At certain points the lower back pain was so intense I felt like I was going to fall over. The morning was the most rough but by late afternoon it had calmed down. I also had regular menstrual cramps, they were very light. My emotions have been extremely volatile and up and down. I'm so sensitive that I actually want to tell myself to shut up or suck it up a bit. Anxious to see what tomorrow brings - a period, or one more day to make me hit that magical 14 average? (I know it's just an average and it doesn't matter much but man it would make me happy).

9 DPO I didn't poop today! That statement can officially be filed as one of the oddest celebratory sentences I've ever said, thanks infertility. The last seven cycles by this day I was already experiencing my PMS poops. Absolutely nothing today. No cramps, no discomfort, nothing. I'm not really sure if that's going to mean anything in the long run but for now it's a small relief. I've temporarily dodged my most reliable PMS symptom. Not much else going on. I want to hold on until 11 DPO to test but now that I noticed this I've got to admit I'm a little antsy to test.

14 DPO. Yeah. 14 DPO. I haven't had a 14 day luteal phase since. well. ever - that I know of. I assume I did before birth control because I had 28 day cycles but who knows. I wish I'd have been more aware of my menstrual cycle and what it all meant in my 18-22 years. I called the OB office to ask them how long I wait to call in case it doesn't show up. They told me to test as I see fit but call if I hit a week late. So, I'll call next Tuesday if it hasn't come. I freaking hope it does. This sucks. I did take a test with second morning urine just in case as it was bright white negative. I feel like the chances of being pregnant are super slim, but the Clomid has my body acting more like it should. But just for record keeping sake: - Extreme lower back discomfort. I want to stab myself for relief. It's horrible. - Constantly feeling hot and sweating much more than usual. Also experiencing night sweats. Someone just throw me in a pool of ice water, thanks. - I did get my standard "your period is coming!" bathroom attack today.

CD 17 1 DPO Sex: CHECK. We are the championsssss! Seriously though, very proud that we were able to keep up even with my follicles being sluggish this month. I'm interested to see if we will switch back to every other day next month or how scheduling will be handled. The doctor has ordered both at different times so. Hopefully we'll get to switch it up. I'm trying to stay positive. Logically I know that one follicle is adequate, in fact it's completely normal. But after last cycle being told that we had two (and they did their thing on time) and failing to conceive... having one slower follicle just seems like it won't do anything special. But that's not necessarily true. This month is going to be more possible than any month before the Clomid - I have to have faith in my body and its capability to conceive. Now it's just a waiting game. Always waiting.

Finished my Clomid today. Sex starts in 3 days. I go in for a sonogram on May 30th. I'm trying to stay upbeat and positive but it's been a really trying two weeks in my family. That negativity is rolling over into TTC. It's going to be okay.

8 DPO Today I had some cramping, lower back pain, minor hot flashes, and a headache. I know that with all the environmental stress that I've been under these things can be easily explained. But there's a small part of me that's holding onto the hope that maybe something has already implanted and my body is beginning to get to work. Do I believe that fully? No. But it's nice to daydream about. I'm thinking that I will hold out to test until Sunday or Monday. That's going to be 11 or 12 DPO - should be long enough. I'm also curious to see what my luteal will be this time. It's usually 12 but last cycle it was 13. Fingers and toes crossed. I feel like if this ever comes to an end, I actually see a BFP. I'm going to hit the floor. I'm not sure that I will be able to believe it.

5 DPO It's too early for anything to be going on, really. But I do have to say if the whole, "stress is bad for TTC thing" is true, we won't conceive this month. I've had a headache for three days straight that no amount of medicine, caffeine, eating, sleeping, or hiding in the dark can fix. I know it's stress related because it starts at the top of my head and aches all the way through my shoulders. I am being pulled in so many directions that I feel like people are going to actually rip me into separate pieces. I'm going to just spill all over the street as they tug and no ones going to care because at least they're going to get what they need from me. I have always struggled to put myself first. I've lived a life based around feeling like I'm not enough - not a good enough daughter, friend, or romantic partner. So I give, give, give. Because if people have enough pieces of me in their lives they won't forget me and they'll appreciate me. But I can't keep up at this pace. It's been over four weeks since I've had a single day where I focused on my needs. My "self-care days" have been staying at home to clean and making phone calls to insurance companies, doctors offices, etc. trying to clean up all the loose ends. I cant remember a day that wasn't punctuated by recurrent panic attacks and the meditative breathing that follows to bring myself back down. It's not that I'm in a dark place or feel unsafe - I just feel like I'm being swallowed whole by the expectations and requests of the people who I should be able to trust to protect me and my interests alongside their own. I need to put my foot down. I need to save myself, because I'm going to break. But once I make that choice and put myself in a certain position I'm going to hurt someone. I'm going to lose someone. Because I'm not enough. I never have been. I'm only human.