#cwnroyalreport

what is one of your muse’s biggest fears?

jaejin doesn’t really have any fears, he really can’t afford to have any because he tells himself that having fears will not only make him ‘weak’ but they could also be used against him and get in the way of his plans. though, it’s all just mostly a lie and something he’s forced himself believe over time. in reality, he does have at least one fear, and that is something that heavily revolves around insu. deep down he’s afraid of insu finding out what he’s planning, afraid that insu will end up getting hurt somehow ( or even that the other will try to step in to either stop him or even try to help ). it’s the reason behind him ending their friendship 12 years ago. to protect insu from any possible dangers that would come with jaejin trying to take down the queen of hearts and get the throne for himself.

what is one of your muse’s biggest secrets?

his biggest secrets... the first one is one that no one besides his private knows, his goals in life. the reason why he went from not caring about the throne to wanting it all. he’s been able to hide his true intentions over the past 12 years, though it’s only a matter of time before some begin to figure out what he truly has planned behind that charming smile he uses around others. his other secret? even though he’s dead set on gaining the title of king and taking over the spot that his mother is in, he actually has hidden how he feels about insu since the day that the two first met and he showed the other male around the kingdom of hearts. even back before he cut off all ties with insu, he had a special place for the other in his heart, and despite him practically being cold-hearted at this point - somewhere deep down inside of him, he still has that feeling of ‘love’ for him.

what is one of your muse’s deepest desires?

his deepest desire of course is to take the queen of hearts down. the throne would just be a little bonus that comes with that if the day comes where he’s able to successfully accomplish his goal. he won’t let anyone get in the way of him achieving what he wants, even if he has to play dirty in order to do so. jaejin will use those that he can as ‘stepping stones’ to get to the end of this game even if it does end up ruining some relationships he has with others. to him, this is the cruel world that they live in and he believes that those who are too weak, too soft-hearted, won’t make the cut no matter how hard they try. in his eyes they need to be ruthless, they need to learn that they can’t trust or depend on anyone around them because they can easily stab you in the back later on.

what is one of your muse’s biggest regrets?

his biggest regret is even falling down the rabbit hole, for allowing himself to become the person he is today and losing the one person he truly loves and cares about. he regrets not being able to tell insu that he loves him and regrets not being able to stay by the other male’s side all these years, though he didn’t want to drag insu into the middle of something that could possibly end up physically harming him. in jaejin’s mind, he did this to protect the other male and that’s what he will continue to tell himself as he moves forward, what he will continue making everyone ( including insu ) believe. another regret is that he allowed himself to become like the queen of hearts in some ways, causing him to even turn against his twin sisters who he once actually cared about and would truly smile and laugh with. his sisters who he would honestly do anything for and protect from any sort of harm or threats that the world threw at them.

which other royal/knight does your muse think is their biggest competition, and why?

jaejin sees anyone who has potential as competition, even his own sisters, because it just means that he has more people getting in the way of him getting what he’s been going after for the past 12 years now. maybe if he wasn’t so determined to take the queen of hearts down then maybe he still wouldn’t care about the throne or even being a prince, however, it’s because of her that he’s going down this path and he wants nothing more than to see her fall and lost her title as ‘queen’. if this means that he has to think of others as threats then so be it.

would your muse eliminate their biggest competition (between current muses only; no NPCs) if given the chance? why or why not?

to answer simply: yes. he would honestly eliminate them without giving even a second thought on the matter. it’s really nothing personally towards them, though he wants to be the one in the end who takes his mother down with his own hands. at this point, those who do decide to trust in him are nothing more than just pawns in his big game of chess. those who he treats as nothing more than little puppets to toy with and use to his advantage in order to help get him one step closer to sitting on the throne and taking his place where he thinks he belongs. if this means that he would have to eliminate them in order to get what he wants, he will do so without hesitation.

if your muse did not become a royal, prince(ss), or knight, what would they be doing now?

if he had been able to life a normal life, jaejin would want to be living happily with insu ( whether it’s as a couple or even just friends with his unrequited love ). he would be would be working at some small cafe somewhere, a relaxed job that doesn’t require him to do some desk job or even paperwork. living a life where he could be free to just be his true self with the one person he loves by his side. he would have a better relationship with his sisters, laughing and joking around, caring for one another like he should do as their older brother. jaejin would probably have a better relationship with @cwneunae, @jiaecwn and @cwnheon than he does as a prince.

what would your muse do if their title was suddenly stripped and they were banished from the palace?

if that were to happen, jaejin would be pretty pissed, especially since he’s spent 12 years planning to take over the throne and even ruined relationships with those that he was once close with. all of his hard work would go to waste and he would try to fight it, though if there’s nothing he could really do to keep his place he would have no choice but to accept it ( even if he doesn’t agree with the reasoning and believes no one is more fit for the throne than he is ). though maybe that’s what he would need to happen in order for him to open his eyes and see what sort of monster he’s become over the years, that he’s wasted all of these years becoming something that he once despised when looking at his own mother. the thing that he had once told himself he would never become and the reason why he had once wished he could live a more simple life away from the kingdom. a monster that was consumed by the darkness and greed.

if your muse could do something that would normally cost them their title but without receiving those repercussions, what would it be?

he would take the chance to get rid of anyone who had enough potential to take over the throne, end them so that he could easily sit in the spot as king with no worries of anyone attempting to take what he’s been working hard to take over since he was 18 years old. 

if your muse had the choice to either a) gain the crown but their best friend is killed, or b) save their best friend but lose the crown, what would they do?

it’s the feeling of freedom, of seein’ the light

being born into the royal family, eunae has thought of nothing but succeeding the crown. it was practically an unspoken rule that tier one royals were expected to keep their bloodlines on the throne, if at all possible. and with so many noble families after the title, the competition has only grown stiffer. therefore, her mind had never drifted from her one track goal of becoming the next queen of the kingdom of hearts.

but had she not been given the weight and responsibility of bearing the crown, there was no doubt that eunae would be far from the kingdoms and the lifestyle she’d been brought up in. it was fairly common knowledge that she loved to learn new things and grasp as many languages as she could. in another life, her passions would lead her to travel freely, taking in as much knowledge, sights, and cultures that the world had to offer. 

perhaps she would be a vlogger who shared her international travels with anyone who cared to watch. or a photographer, either keeping her works to herself or displaying them in galleries for many to marvel at. she’d live a life with less restrictions and expectations, outside of confined walls and away from the stress of maintaining perfection.

i know she is helpless and her eyes are just helpless

all her life, her sister’s been the only competition for the throne. what had began as mere jealousy twisted into feelings of inferiority when compared to her. despite her earnest efforts to be what the citizens of her kingdom wanted and needed, eunae quickly became an object to be scorn amongst them. no matter what she achieved, her sister always seemed to do more. she was the object of affection. she received the good graces of them all. she was the queen’s daughter.

maybe if she weren’t around things would be different. maybe if she were gone, the people would love her just as she deserved to be. maybe...

it would be dishonest to say that the thoughts weren’t running through her mind frequently. there were times where she despised her sister and hated the predicament they were in. but even if she were given the opportunity, eunae would never wish for her secret thoughts to come true. jiae was her biggest roadblock in achieving the crown, but she was also her sister. despite their relationship now, she was her other half and always would be. to see her gone would leave eunae feeling empty. would she even be worthy of the crown if she could only obtain it through such means? the only answer was no. 

maybe one day we can be sisters again.

at least i keep his eyes in my life...

there is nothing she craves more than to love and to be loved. as sheltered and as guarded as she believes herself to be, eunae has always worn her heart on her sleeve. even when logic tells her otherwise, the princess wants to see the good in others. whether she’s aware of it or not, she tends to give to others more than what is returned to her. 

she does everything in her control to be the perfect princess in order to be in the queen’s good graces. eunae wants to be praised and adored by her mother. but even as a child, it was difficult to earn even the slightest of glances. on the rare occasions that she was acknowledged, it was usually to recognize and correct all she had done wrong rather than right. but eunae took the criticism without complaint, holding onto the chance that one day she would be accepted.

to have her knight by her side no matter what trials and tribulations she faces is a bond that the princess would never want to lose. she trusts her with her life and jiah’s loyalty is a form of unconditional love that eunae holds dearly.

and for a moment in time, eunae felt as if she’d found a love that she’d only read about in fairytales. meeting noh yurye was like meeting every prince charming in her story books combined together into a single, living being. he was kind, worked hard, and despite his hardships, carried himself with grace. for a long time, she simply admired him from afar, hoping to become someone as respectable as him one day. but as they’d become acquainted and grew closer, eunae found herself wanting to see his smile whenever she could. whenever she’d learn of his arrival, she would race to him without a second thought. overtime, she couldn’t help but want to share her dream with him, ruling their kingdoms together.

but how silly of her to think that she would ever be worthy of his affections when her own mother would still not look her way. why would he be with her when the only friends she’d ever had were her knight and her brother’s best friend? and when put next to her sister, would she be pale in comparison in his eyes too? eunae longs to believe otherwise, but just this once, logic is triumphant in convincing her that there is no good in this situation. 

he does not love her, but that is fine, she lies. she loved him from afar once, and she’ll do it again, so long as he continues to smile. and maybe one day, someone will love her, too, all the same.

i. to save a friend or hold the crown

there was no other way. with seonwoo around the air in the palace became too dense for hyunsu’s lungs. every room, person, and meal was a constant reminder of him, and it made hyunsu’s life unbearable. memories of the toxic love they shared accompanied hyunsu even in his own bedroom, as the sheets reminded him of their more intimate moments.

his mind was so clouded with anger, jealousy, and helplessness that he couldn’t focus in on what was really important, the crown.

that was the entire reason he resided in the palace, not seonwoo. yet still, his heart couldn’t help but tear itself apart at the thought of being left for someone ( or something ) else. if he never took the shot, then who know where he would have ended up. fourth tier prince, perhaps? he was nothing but a loser in love with the one person who left him out to rot, and lord knows the queen would never choose someone so unworthy for the crown.

that’s why he had to take the chance when he had one, for not only his heart but his title was on the line. seonwoo was merely a parasite that preyed off of hyunsu’s heart and soul. killing him was a rite of passage, a way for hyunsu to reclaim his life.

seonwoo was more than a friend, he was hyunsu’s first love. and if it was that easy for hyunsu to take him out...well, who’s to say he would think twice about the next person who stood in his way?

there was a part hyunsu had to play, however, and being a murderer was not one of the traits in the description of his role. he had to play it off and be the good guy, at least to the queen and the rest of his kingdom. everyone loved seeing the underdog finally get a chance at winning, which is why when hyunsu put his pen to paper he wrote, “without a doubt i’d save a friend. a honorable king does not need a crown to prove his worthiness. killing a friend would be the ultimate betrayal, and what kind of king turns their back on someone so loyal?”

what a bunch of bullshit that was.

ii. if i could turn back time

hyunsu could still remember the look of disappointment on his father’s face. to this day it haunts him, though he was glad things went down the way they did. he remembers the way his father advanced towards him; his blade drawn out while charging at the young prince. it was typical for his father to take their sparring matches seriously, yet somehow, this one struck a nerve with hyunsu.

so bad that hyunsu had to convince himself it was just a friendly match.

his mind was in the clouds, still thinking about how seonwoo ditched him the night before for some other prince. the anger and jealously overcame his body. his step pattern was reckless and each jab was more sporadic and less choreographed. all those years of his father teaching him the art of the blade went down the drain. more than that, all those years of training to be a prince.

“i can stop competing! he said he could take care of--” hyunsu’s throat was instantly met with his father’s blade.

“enough.”

the young prince held his breath in fear that one inhale would cause the blade to scrape against his skin. he dropped his sword, slowly putting his hands up as a sign of surrender. yet still, the blade hovered above his soft skin.

“you’ve become weak, hyunsu. do you hear me?” his father spat, “you’re putting all your faith into something that ceases to exist. do you think anyone here will give you the time of day after they gain the crown? you’ll become a nobody to them.”

clank. finally, hyunsu could breathe, though his legs gave into the panic that set in. now, he kneeled before his own father, trying to hide the shame on his own face.

“you’re right. i’m sorry.”

“you’re here for one thing, and one thing only. don’t let these distractions get the best of you.”

he was right, seonwoo was a distraction-- one that barely acknowledged him anymore. and if he could turn back time, he would have never talked to the boy to begin with-- not with knowledge of what happens in the future.

again, hyunsu puts his pen to paper, writing something entirely different to save face. “not sure. if i had changed anything about my past, would i even be where i am right now? i’d like to think i have no regrets.”

iii. what ifs

which other royal/knight does your muse think is their biggest competition, and why?

it's not something jiae would advertise, nor does she even privately admit it most days. on her best days, there is no competition. jiae is beloved by most, especially the citizens of the kingdom of hearts. she has been learning and training since a younger age than most nobles, and being the daughter of the current king and queen, it feels like she's almost guaranteed the throne. jaejin is getting older without already being crowned king, and eunae doesn't have the public's approval like jiae does. the odds, it seems, are in her favour.

on her worst days, jiae knows that's not true.

time is an illusion, and anything can happen at any time, so jaejin isn't completely out of the running. but eunae is her true competition. she always has been, perhaps since they were old enough to crawl. eunae isn't... incapable; she's intelligent, she works hard, and she's a good person, though the public doesn't know that. as much as it pains jiae to think about, the only thing that separates the twins, that puts one twin much closer to the throne than the other— it's their reputations.

would your muse eliminate their biggest competition if given the chance? why or why not?

morals aren’t very high on jiae’s list of priorities. if they were, she wouldn’t have so many secrets to hide from so many people. but she has limits, too. she can handle the trail of lies and blackmail that could possibly lead back to her, but she could never... she could never kill someone. whether it’s an unknown peasant from the kingdom of hearts or her biggest competition—eunae, oh god, eunae. that’s her sister! they may not be close, and jiae certainly doesn’t feel anything more than a sliver of concern that isn’t even a constant (it just appears randomly, in an instant, and then disappears again before she even has the chance to think about it), but to have her own blood on her hands? jiae can’t deal with that. she’ll find other ways to bury her competition, but not this.

what is one of your muse’s biggest fears?

reputations are time-consuming. jiae has spent the majority of her life carefully crafting a positive one: throwing herself into her studies as a child to learn about her kingdom and politics, volunteering with her citizens every so often, addressing everyone with a smile. everything that makes a perfect princess, she's done it. but she's also done things that are beneath a princess.

reputations are delicate. all the lies and the manipulation, those times she's spread rumours about her competition or blackmailed people into silence, they're everything the people of the kingdom of hearts hate. as soon as they discover the person behind the façade, jiae will no longer be a valid contender for the throne. her image will crumble around her, no longer the beloved daughter of the kingdom. they'll turn their backs on her, redirecting their support to someone they deem competent (and jiae knows what the kingdom wants: someone soft, loving, weak—someone who will surely ruin the kingdom, but that's a tirade for another day).

she can't allow that to happen, at least not until she is crowned queen. she won't let it happen, not when she's put in so much effort to get here.

what is one of your muse’s biggest regrets?

children don't get to decide who they share blood with and where they grow up. jiae was born as a daughter of the king and queen, raised in the kingdom of hearts. and because she shared their blood, she never got a choice on where she would fight to become a queen; jiae is expected to carry on the legacy of her family by aiming to take over the kingdom of hearts. personally, despite being raised with heart values, she can't help but wish she could rule over the kingdom of clovers instead. their people are stronger, more powerful than the hearts citizens. they know their place instead of intermingling between nobility and the lower citizens.

in the case you were not in your position in your kingdom right now, what else would you be doing in this moment? 

an easy question, really. she feels like she’s made it obvious to everyone about how she really didn’t want to be here. she did not wish to be living this life of luxury and power like her mother forced her to. she’s pretty sure she made some people question why she was here in the first place. even now, her heart still yearns for a certain path that grows distant from her every second she spends in the clover kingdom—or any of the kingdoms, for that matter. the most she can do is daydream… that, or have this whole competition for the throne to be over so she can go back to her normal life like she wanted to. 

she writes the following: 

“i wish to be a performer like my father. it has been my dream since i was merely a child. i have grown up loving music ever since the day i was born. had it not been for certain circumstances, i would try to pursue my music journey in another country far away from where the kingdoms are. perhaps, even farther away than where my family are. i’d like to believe my father would be happy for now, had i gone for that path rather than the current one i’m in now. as of now, his opinion doesn’t really affect my future anymore… unfortunately.” 

what would you do if your title was suddenly stripped and you were banished from the palace? 

an interesting question to consider and most definitely something the girl wouldn’t really seem to mind that much. though she’s found some company that’s made her stay at the clover kingdom, let alone the other kingdoms that surround the center of diamonds, she still would rather be anywhere else but in the position she was in right now. royal life was simply not ahyoung’s calling, no matter who or what tries to convince her otherwise. so, even though many people would consider banishment to be an awful punishment, she mainly saw it as an escape. a ticket to freedom provided by whatever action she has done. of course, she doesn’t have the balls to actually do something scandalous enough to get her banished, but if the opportunity was easier than it sounded… who was she to reject it? 

she writes down: 

“perhaps, i’d continue to live my life as it was before i arrived at the palace. even if my father is not here with me, meaning my journey to having a music career will be more difficult than it was before, i will continue to try and pursue that career path, as i believe it is my destiny. will it be even more complicated, as i’ll be known for my banishment? perhaps, but i could also use that as an opportunity to gain attention for what i wish to do in the future. the more people who will pay attention to me, the more likely i am to be successful in the music industry… right? that’s how it works, nowadays!” 

onto the next question that wasn’t anything too uncomfortable for her. 

if you could do something that would normally cost you your  title but without receiving those repercussions, what would it be?

an interesting question, as ahyoung couldn’t really see herself really breaking any rules just because she felt like it. if she wouldn’t have to get a bunch of scary punishments for it, she might’ve considered. but with how over-the-top the kingdoms were, especially the queen of clovers herself, ahyoung wouldn’t risk to do anything… however, if she were to not receive any kind of repercussions, her mind begins to delve into thoughts of what she could do. when she thinks of some ideas, she immediately writes them down on the paper so that she doesn’t forget. 

“i’d slap the queen of clovers in the face. i know that sounds very bold of me and i would never do that intentionally to hurt her majesty. but i feel like if i did that, i’d prove a point to let everyone know how much this entire process means so little to me. not only that, but if i took the opportunity to disrespect her majesty while also getting away with it, i can already imagine how my beloved mother would behave. and i love nothing more than to see her be embarrassed because it’s what she deserves for being so kind and lovely to me.” 

which other royal do you think is your biggest competition and why? would you eliminate them if given the chance? why why not? 

she wasn’t really sure if she had an answer for this. because if she had to be truthfully honest, she really didn’t care much about the throne. she was only here because her mother forced her to and she was willing to not try at all until the day she eventually finds herself kicked out of the palace for wasting the queen’s time. but of course, stubborn to make sure that the queen plans to not read through all of her answers, she decides to come up with a random answer to this question, based on how she interacts with others. 

“if i had to be honest, i think that baek dabin would be my biggest competition, considering we are both on the fourth tier in the clover kingdom. she likes to think of me as her main rival and while i don’t really see much point in the throne, i like poking fun into the rival concept every now and then because i think it’s entertaining how she thinks i’m actually trying when it comes to this whole entire ‘royalty turns to princess’ thing. and though i wouldn’t really consider him my biggest competition, i do want to be able to see if i can try and take choi jaejin down. i’m not particular fond of him. i feel like he patronizes me because of my low tier, but not in the way that han hyunsu does. while hyunsu is vocally arrogant and likes being upfront about his dislike for me, jaejin does it in a way that makes me feel uneasy rather than annoyed. really, i feel like i want the hearts prince to actually leave me alone rather than the other… who i don’t really mind much. that being said, though those are the people who i’d see as competition, i don’t think i’d try to eliminate them. i think that’s reaching a little too far, not to mention i think they have a better chance at getting the throne than me anyways. at least they want it.” 

if had had the choice to either a) gain the crown but your best friend is killed, or b) save your best friend but lose the crown, what would you do?

when she reads the word “best friend”, her mind automatically jumps to the thought of him: son junyoung. she’s known the prince since he was practically a baby and the two have been through a lot together, even spending a few years away from each other before rekindling their friendship when ahyoung arrived at the clover kingdom. he’s the person that made her feel comfortable in this new life of hers, considering he’s had more experience with it and he, being the kind hearted gentleman that he is, was willing to help her along the way. to think of a reality in which she was able to get the crown rather than him… that sounded unreal, especially given the fact that she feels he deserves it more than she does. it’s not only the fact that she saw no purpose in being official royalty, but it’s more on the fact that jun needed that crown. he needed it for the most selfless reasons, meanwhile ahyoung’s mother wanted her to get it for selfish reasons. 

besides… if she had to witness another death of a loved one that she could be able to prevent from happening, she could never forgive herself. she’s already lost her father. with the fact that she just got jjuni back in her life, she didn’t want to lose her precious friend yet again… but forever, this time. 

“i’d easily choose option b, in which i save my best friend but lose the crown. to me, the crown is not that much of a big deal. it is not the reason why i’ve decided to stay a little longer in the kingdom rather than up and quit. my friendships with everyone here is what keeps me going and what makes me try even a little at staying in the palace for longer than i want to. not to mention, i had just reunited with my best friend. to lose him all because i’ve decided to be selfish… that’d be a grave sin that i’d never ever be able to recover from.” 

what is your biggest desire? 

easily a question ahyoung could answer. she feels as if most of her answers from before were already indicating it. at the end of the day, what else could she want in life? her true dream life was answered in the first question she answered and though her path to getting to that dream career seems more impossible than it did before, kwak ahyoung still found herself holding onto a little bit of hope. 

even now, as a royal, she finds herself trying her best to surround herself with whatever she can get of that desire. she’d play the piano in one of the rooms in the palace and sing to random songs by herself so that she could be able to relieve her stress or anger or whatever upset emotion she felt in that present moment. no matter where she is, that desire always finds a way to reach out to her in the times she needs it, whether it be as solace or even as a friend. 

“music is my desire. it always has been and probably always will be. i still wish to be a musician, but i get enough joy playing the piano and singing songs to myself. i also enjoy going to opera shows in the hearts kingdom whenever i can, even if that’s not the style of singing i’m totally experienced in. in general, music is my remedy. it is my comfort. it is my love. i would die without it.”  

and it’s after this question that she returns to the question that threw her off in the first place. 

what is your biggest fear? 

“disappointing my father.” 

she wonders if it’s appropriate for her to write more. after all, she wants to ramble as much as she can so that no one would have the energy to read it… but at the same time, it’s hard to talk about. after all, it’s the reason why she’s here to begin with. her mother told her that the least she could do in honor of her dad is do the one thing he’s worked so hard to keep her from being, making it sound as if ahyoung’s wish to not be a princess was a burden to the whole family. and even if she hasn’t said it, a part of her wonders if her mom thinks the same as her. that if it hadn’t been for her, he’d still be here right now. 

it’s all ahyoung’s fault as to why she’s here. she just refuses to admit it because she wants to still find herself likeable.

she doesn’t want to believe her mother’s words, no matter how much they apply to her. 

what is your biggest secret? (when answering this question, know that this answer is confidential and only the highness of your kingdom will read it.) 

“fuck off.” 

they did not need to know about her guilt over the accident. no one needed to know that she was the one who was driving the car. that had she been more careful, this whole entire situation could’ve been avoided. sure she didn’t mean to do it. the accident was simply an accident! but even then, the girl wakes up in the middle of some nights drenched in sweat, haunted by the nightmares in which she sees the car crashing right into them, the car flipping over on its side and how she screams for her dad’s name before she sees black. 

she doesn’t trust herself to get behind the wheel. hell, she can’t even trust herself to be at the front seats. she knows it’s not her fault. she knows that it’s not her fault that the car came at her. their light was green, after all. it was the other driver’s fault. but even so, she remembers waking up in that hospital room and crying when she heard of the news. because at the end of the day, she was the one near him. she could’ve saved him at that moment. 

but she didn’t. 

what is your biggest regret? 

kwak ahyoung is a flawed human being. 

regardless if it was against her wishes, she could have complied with her mother’s pleas of getting her into the royal life earlier on. that way, she wouldn’t be as much of a burden in the family. 

she wouldn’t have burdened her father with a wish that he’d have to fight with the hopes of it coming true and seeing her smile. so that way, on the day after his funeral, she wouldn’t have been told by her mother about how she had to make it up to him for burdening him so long until the day that he died. 

that way, she wouldn’t have yelled at jun for leaving her for the royal life, seeing him doing it for his family as an “act of betrayal” because he told her a completely different reason. she wouldn’t have cursed at him and told him that she hope she’d never see him again. 

she wouldn’t be here in this palace, despite her wishes against it, because of the accident that was caused by her. because of her father’s sacrifice for her. 

with a sigh, she writes down her last answer before completing her report. 

F E A R  

“i fear everything.” this is a dream, right? he’d never say that out loud. to most sunwoo is smart, reserved but witty when he needs to be. he doesn’t talk out of turn or start unnecessary fights. one may not even think he’s competition by just looking at him and that’s how he’d like it. but beyond that exterior, the hard shell of a man boy, is an aching fear. mostly he’s scared of losing, of coming home empty handed, and living a life always regretting his failure. he’s scared of never being happy and he is scared of what he would do with happiness. 

fear is what motivates him. everything else is a distraction, happiness, love. sunwoo needs fear to keep himself in check, even if it means always remaining miserable and a little lost, or ruining every relationship he has with those around him, the ones he actually cares about. 

who needs love when they have power?

S E C R E C Y 

“sunwoo.” his mother’s voice, soft and warm, wrapping around him like a weighted blanket. “you know we’ll be proud no matter what,” she says to him. sunwoo still remembers what she was wearing; a satin blue dress and thick gold jewelry with jade accents. they sit together for lunch, just the two of them. not long before, sunwoo finally passed the first test in a long line of tests. he would now be moving into the palace at the heart of the kingdom of clovers. 

sunwoo’s fingers pull at the sleeves of his cardigan, feeling a cool autumn breeze push past his face. “i know.” he’s not looking at his mother but rather at the cup of warm tea that’s pushing steam into the air. his mother only sighs, bringing the fine china to her lips and taking a sip. sunwoo looks up from his lunch and watches her for a moment, his eyes wide and glassy. 

“i know you’ve worked hard for this,” she says after setting down her cup. the cup clinks against the saucer softly. “i just don’t know if it’s changed... that it’ll be any different.” sunwoo wants to roll his eyes, he’s heard this speech a million times but for some reason, this time it’s less annoying and more... surreal. he’ll finally have the chance to see if his mother’s memories have any significance. 

“i know you made a promise to your sister,” she says. “but are you certain this is what you want?” 

“i’m sure,” he says. he lies. 

D E S I R E 

the crisp night time air makes his lungs sting, especially when he laughs. his limbs are frozen, aching. the fountain water is cold, he can see his breath float around his mouth in clouds, and he can feel hers on his cheek. sunwoo’s hand is holding the small of her back, his other hand touching her cheek. his lips kiss her chin, the corner of her mouth, then her lips. 

“should i kiss you again?” 

her smile, the eagerness of her nod; she leaves him wanting, for the first time in a long time, maybe for the first time ever. 

R E G R E T  

“ i wanted to be better. better than my parents. whispers follow my mother wherever she goes. she was so close. she quit, fell in love with a knight, forfeit the crown so her family would be raised outside of royalty. why would she do that? we could have had everything, wouldn’t have had to work so hard for something we could have been born into. our name would have had fame, legacy, all of that means more than money, normalcy. ” 

“ she doesn’t regret it, that’s what she tells me. she gave us the freedom to choose. a normal life, a childhood without cameras, rules, or public opinion. we had room to make our own traditions. we grew up with love, little expectation. ‘we’ll be proud of you no matter what.’ i know she meant that. but maybe all this would be easier without choice. ”