#cwnjun

in the case you were not in your position in your kingdom right now, what else would you be doing in this moment? 

an easy question, really. she feels like she’s made it obvious to everyone about how she really didn’t want to be here. she did not wish to be living this life of luxury and power like her mother forced her to. she’s pretty sure she made some people question why she was here in the first place. even now, her heart still yearns for a certain path that grows distant from her every second she spends in the clover kingdom—or any of the kingdoms, for that matter. the most she can do is daydream… that, or have this whole competition for the throne to be over so she can go back to her normal life like she wanted to. 

she writes the following: 

“i wish to be a performer like my father. it has been my dream since i was merely a child. i have grown up loving music ever since the day i was born. had it not been for certain circumstances, i would try to pursue my music journey in another country far away from where the kingdoms are. perhaps, even farther away than where my family are. i’d like to believe my father would be happy for now, had i gone for that path rather than the current one i’m in now. as of now, his opinion doesn’t really affect my future anymore… unfortunately.” 

what would you do if your title was suddenly stripped and you were banished from the palace? 

an interesting question to consider and most definitely something the girl wouldn’t really seem to mind that much. though she’s found some company that’s made her stay at the clover kingdom, let alone the other kingdoms that surround the center of diamonds, she still would rather be anywhere else but in the position she was in right now. royal life was simply not ahyoung’s calling, no matter who or what tries to convince her otherwise. so, even though many people would consider banishment to be an awful punishment, she mainly saw it as an escape. a ticket to freedom provided by whatever action she has done. of course, she doesn’t have the balls to actually do something scandalous enough to get her banished, but if the opportunity was easier than it sounded… who was she to reject it? 

she writes down: 

“perhaps, i’d continue to live my life as it was before i arrived at the palace. even if my father is not here with me, meaning my journey to having a music career will be more difficult than it was before, i will continue to try and pursue that career path, as i believe it is my destiny. will it be even more complicated, as i’ll be known for my banishment? perhaps, but i could also use that as an opportunity to gain attention for what i wish to do in the future. the more people who will pay attention to me, the more likely i am to be successful in the music industry… right? that’s how it works, nowadays!” 

onto the next question that wasn’t anything too uncomfortable for her. 

if you could do something that would normally cost you your  title but without receiving those repercussions, what would it be?

an interesting question, as ahyoung couldn’t really see herself really breaking any rules just because she felt like it. if she wouldn’t have to get a bunch of scary punishments for it, she might’ve considered. but with how over-the-top the kingdoms were, especially the queen of clovers herself, ahyoung wouldn’t risk to do anything… however, if she were to not receive any kind of repercussions, her mind begins to delve into thoughts of what she could do. when she thinks of some ideas, she immediately writes them down on the paper so that she doesn’t forget. 

“i’d slap the queen of clovers in the face. i know that sounds very bold of me and i would never do that intentionally to hurt her majesty. but i feel like if i did that, i’d prove a point to let everyone know how much this entire process means so little to me. not only that, but if i took the opportunity to disrespect her majesty while also getting away with it, i can already imagine how my beloved mother would behave. and i love nothing more than to see her be embarrassed because it’s what she deserves for being so kind and lovely to me.” 

which other royal do you think is your biggest competition and why? would you eliminate them if given the chance? why why not? 

she wasn’t really sure if she had an answer for this. because if she had to be truthfully honest, she really didn’t care much about the throne. she was only here because her mother forced her to and she was willing to not try at all until the day she eventually finds herself kicked out of the palace for wasting the queen’s time. but of course, stubborn to make sure that the queen plans to not read through all of her answers, she decides to come up with a random answer to this question, based on how she interacts with others. 

“if i had to be honest, i think that baek dabin would be my biggest competition, considering we are both on the fourth tier in the clover kingdom. she likes to think of me as her main rival and while i don’t really see much point in the throne, i like poking fun into the rival concept every now and then because i think it’s entertaining how she thinks i’m actually trying when it comes to this whole entire ‘royalty turns to princess’ thing. and though i wouldn’t really consider him my biggest competition, i do want to be able to see if i can try and take choi jaejin down. i’m not particular fond of him. i feel like he patronizes me because of my low tier, but not in the way that han hyunsu does. while hyunsu is vocally arrogant and likes being upfront about his dislike for me, jaejin does it in a way that makes me feel uneasy rather than annoyed. really, i feel like i want the hearts prince to actually leave me alone rather than the other… who i don’t really mind much. that being said, though those are the people who i’d see as competition, i don’t think i’d try to eliminate them. i think that’s reaching a little too far, not to mention i think they have a better chance at getting the throne than me anyways. at least they want it.” 

if had had the choice to either a) gain the crown but your best friend is killed, or b) save your best friend but lose the crown, what would you do?

when she reads the word “best friend”, her mind automatically jumps to the thought of him: son junyoung. she’s known the prince since he was practically a baby and the two have been through a lot together, even spending a few years away from each other before rekindling their friendship when ahyoung arrived at the clover kingdom. he’s the person that made her feel comfortable in this new life of hers, considering he’s had more experience with it and he, being the kind hearted gentleman that he is, was willing to help her along the way. to think of a reality in which she was able to get the crown rather than him… that sounded unreal, especially given the fact that she feels he deserves it more than she does. it’s not only the fact that she saw no purpose in being official royalty, but it’s more on the fact that jun needed that crown. he needed it for the most selfless reasons, meanwhile ahyoung’s mother wanted her to get it for selfish reasons. 

besides… if she had to witness another death of a loved one that she could be able to prevent from happening, she could never forgive herself. she’s already lost her father. with the fact that she just got jjuni back in her life, she didn’t want to lose her precious friend yet again… but forever, this time. 

“i’d easily choose option b, in which i save my best friend but lose the crown. to me, the crown is not that much of a big deal. it is not the reason why i’ve decided to stay a little longer in the kingdom rather than up and quit. my friendships with everyone here is what keeps me going and what makes me try even a little at staying in the palace for longer than i want to. not to mention, i had just reunited with my best friend. to lose him all because i’ve decided to be selfish… that’d be a grave sin that i’d never ever be able to recover from.” 

what is your biggest desire? 

easily a question ahyoung could answer. she feels as if most of her answers from before were already indicating it. at the end of the day, what else could she want in life? her true dream life was answered in the first question she answered and though her path to getting to that dream career seems more impossible than it did before, kwak ahyoung still found herself holding onto a little bit of hope. 

even now, as a royal, she finds herself trying her best to surround herself with whatever she can get of that desire. she’d play the piano in one of the rooms in the palace and sing to random songs by herself so that she could be able to relieve her stress or anger or whatever upset emotion she felt in that present moment. no matter where she is, that desire always finds a way to reach out to her in the times she needs it, whether it be as solace or even as a friend. 

“music is my desire. it always has been and probably always will be. i still wish to be a musician, but i get enough joy playing the piano and singing songs to myself. i also enjoy going to opera shows in the hearts kingdom whenever i can, even if that’s not the style of singing i’m totally experienced in. in general, music is my remedy. it is my comfort. it is my love. i would die without it.”  

and it’s after this question that she returns to the question that threw her off in the first place. 

what is your biggest fear? 

“disappointing my father.” 

she wonders if it’s appropriate for her to write more. after all, she wants to ramble as much as she can so that no one would have the energy to read it… but at the same time, it’s hard to talk about. after all, it’s the reason why she’s here to begin with. her mother told her that the least she could do in honor of her dad is do the one thing he’s worked so hard to keep her from being, making it sound as if ahyoung’s wish to not be a princess was a burden to the whole family. and even if she hasn’t said it, a part of her wonders if her mom thinks the same as her. that if it hadn’t been for her, he’d still be here right now. 

it’s all ahyoung’s fault as to why she’s here. she just refuses to admit it because she wants to still find herself likeable.

she doesn’t want to believe her mother’s words, no matter how much they apply to her. 

what is your biggest secret? (when answering this question, know that this answer is confidential and only the highness of your kingdom will read it.) 

“fuck off.” 

they did not need to know about her guilt over the accident. no one needed to know that she was the one who was driving the car. that had she been more careful, this whole entire situation could’ve been avoided. sure she didn’t mean to do it. the accident was simply an accident! but even then, the girl wakes up in the middle of some nights drenched in sweat, haunted by the nightmares in which she sees the car crashing right into them, the car flipping over on its side and how she screams for her dad’s name before she sees black. 

she doesn’t trust herself to get behind the wheel. hell, she can’t even trust herself to be at the front seats. she knows it’s not her fault. she knows that it’s not her fault that the car came at her. their light was green, after all. it was the other driver’s fault. but even so, she remembers waking up in that hospital room and crying when she heard of the news. because at the end of the day, she was the one near him. she could’ve saved him at that moment. 

but she didn’t. 

what is your biggest regret? 

kwak ahyoung is a flawed human being. 

regardless if it was against her wishes, she could have complied with her mother’s pleas of getting her into the royal life earlier on. that way, she wouldn’t be as much of a burden in the family. 

she wouldn’t have burdened her father with a wish that he’d have to fight with the hopes of it coming true and seeing her smile. so that way, on the day after his funeral, she wouldn’t have been told by her mother about how she had to make it up to him for burdening him so long until the day that he died. 

that way, she wouldn’t have yelled at jun for leaving her for the royal life, seeing him doing it for his family as an “act of betrayal” because he told her a completely different reason. she wouldn’t have cursed at him and told him that she hope she’d never see him again. 

she wouldn’t be here in this palace, despite her wishes against it, because of the accident that was caused by her. because of her father’s sacrifice for her. 

with a sigh, she writes down her last answer before completing her report.