Don’t die. You are fucking awesome and are worth your life. You deserve it. You deserve happiness and health and love and kindness. You deserve good friends. <3 I love you. Live.

I don't want to die anymore, it's just something I noticed because my therapist asked me about why I want to do some things , like pursue therapy and get diagnosed with a mental illness so badly right now. It's like somewhere between here and there I decided I wanted to live so very badly and I realized if I didn't actively pursue some sort of help, I would wind up dying significantly sooner than later. 

I don't like to whine, or pout, or complain about sad things. So that's it. 

I'm not feeling very good. 

My voice is going away, and I still need to unpack from Otafest.  My Elsa dress was...well it's crap, and so I am going to put one together that isn't a piece of Garbage. I cried a lot today, it was hard to pick myself up after such a disappointment, but I can't dwell on these things.  It's kind of killed my day, and I have decided that tomorrow I will do a Hiyori Costest. 

My first Otafest was good, and I did enjoy it, but I also, it's not the same as Animethon. I think people hyped it up more than it was worth. Don't get me wrong, I had fun, and I met really great Cosplayer's, and got to see and meet old and new friends. I did enjoy that. But I felt, a little, unwelcome? (I can't really explain it well. There were some things that made me really uncomfortable. Some were quite sexual, while others were just ignorant/rude.) 

I wore my first ever Cosplay that revealed a little more skin than I am accustomed to showing. Now, I am not really shy about my body, it's not perfect, but it's not horrible. I mean I could weigh 500 hundred pounds, so I should be grateful. And while I was wearing my Morgiana cosplay, I was as confident as I could be. I wasn't alone, my good friend Sam was their rocking her midriff as Hipster Ariel and there were girls much larger than I showing off their tummy's.  I've been working really hard to tone and even slim down some, and I have been diligent with my exercises, but as I look over the pictures that were taken, I feel like a fat elephant and I am really not feeling good about it now. Body image plays such an important part in society, and for a Cosplayer who see's more and more people berating other Cosplayers for their shape and size, it's really hard. I'm trying to not let it bother me, because what other people think really isn't important. It's what I think, and right now, I just feel...obese.  It's hard when you have curves, because I don't want to be unhealthy with my weight, although I have issues when it comes to food as it is, but I do want to feel good about myself and at the moment I just can't. 

That makes me wish I chose a different lineup for Otafest too. Maybe I should have gone with Lucy instead of Morgiana, and maybe I should have done Rainbow instead of Suppi. There were some things that went wrong with Suppi that I know to change for next time, but maybe if I had done RD, I would not have felt so left out on Sunday. I know none of my friends meant to exclude me, but I just felt like I didn't belong with them at all. I'm really happy that they had fun, I just wish I could enjoy it with them, instead of feeling like I was on my own a little bit.  Not to mention that my Genderbend Suppi was a little obscure and people didn't really know who I was cosplaying. Some one even called me Rainbow Dash, which kind of added salt to my wounds. I really like my Suppi cosplay too, I just didn't feel very pretty in it on Sunday.  This all sounds like I am whining. -_- I don't usually let things like this bother me, and if they are I don't really share them, but I am all alone right now, tumblr seems like a good place to ramble. 

It was a little harder to get used to a new City and convention, especially because both were firsts for me, and I get anxiety about these things, not to mention there were some obvious stressers. But I handled it okay, except for Saturday, I just kind of broke down a little and then it was better. 

I do want to experience things, even if I find them absolutely terrifying, and even if I find it hard to trust people. I am proud of what I did accomplish, considering my anxiety tried to ruin this weekend for me. All in all I guess it was a win. Sunday was good, despite feeling a little left out, I got to meet Yayahan, and she was very sweet and nice, and patient. I do wish I was a pony so I could have joined in on the celebrating, but it might not have made a difference considering how shy I can be around people I like or admire.  I also never got to see Stahli and I really wanted to get a picture of her and Shadden's cosplays together because they are both amazing cosplayers, and I wanted to give them sweets. Stahli was really nice to me at Taste, but I didn't see many people I did know to begin with. (I know a lot of people at Animethon and they always make me feel loved.) I feel like I was in enemy territory this weekend. -_- 

Noragami-Hiyori Iki: 90% Finished. I just need her Knee High's, white Mary Jane's, and her purple contacts. 

Magi the Labyrinth/Kingdom of Magic-Morgiana: 90% finished. Her Anklet's and bracelet have shipped, her necklace is ordered. I just need to order her contact lenses. Flower has been taken care of by Caitlyn. 

Spice and Wolf-Holo: 100% Finished. First Art book dress and second Art book dress obtained. 

Elfin Lied-Lucy: 90% Finished. I need her long wig, and a new set of contacts.

Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon-Princess Chibiusa: 95% Finished. Need her straps altered and then she is finished. 

Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon-Human Luna: 80% finished. Need her dress and accessories. 

Inuyasha-Sesshoumaru-sama: 95% finished. Need new contacts and smaller ears. 

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic-Twilight Sparkle: 95% finished. School Girl uniform bought, Yayahan accessories obtained. I only need her contacts and wig. 

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic-Nightmare Moon: 95% Finished. Accessories are the last thing to be obtained, and gladiator sandals. 

Pokemon-Jolteon: 95% Finished. Steampunk version. Accessories needed. New Contacts needed. 

Frozen-Elsa: 0% completed. 

Mononoke Hime-San: 95% finished. Switching out the mask and ears. 

Tokyo Mew Mew-Zakuro: 95% Finished. Mew Zakuro Maid outfit. Just need her tail and shoes.