#ct11

Half-empty

“I woke up gasping for a breath, my hair soaking with perspiration, and standing up in terror. My brain, being in a morbid condition, showed an extraordinary semblance of reality.”

-Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

For a while, it was really hard to adjust to Ma’am Kitty’s workload. I used to really stress out about all the things we had to accomplish but I later realized that it was for our improvement as students and as designers. It’s rare to see a professor who really cares about the well being of their students especially with all the workload that they themselves carry.

Anxiety and Depression runs in my family and out of all the siblings, I was the one who got it in our generation. It’s not fun, nor is it something to be glorified. There are days that I wake up extremely nervous and extremely disoriented and by the end of the day, I just cry myself to sleep. There are days also were I break down over simple sounds because it makes my heart beat fast and since I more or less live alone, I don’t have much of a support system when this happens. I started having suicidal thoughts at the age of 6 but realized that I had the irrational fear of dying and being put in very uncomfortable situations that make me feel trapped (Thanatophobia and Agoraphobia) at the age of 9. This is one of the reasons I have a hard time opening up to people about how I feel, despite being such a chatterbox. 

This week was honestly so “ngarag” or in better words DRAINING. Other than my GEs, we had to catch up on the wardrobing and the CT 11 project filming for our video. I don’t really like to rant but since only a few people will ever read this, I might as well.

I understand that group works are meant to make us better people by strengthening our skills in cooperation, compromise, and PATIENCE but some people really feel like the whole world revolves around them. I won’t name any names but this one groupmate of ours kept complaining that we needed to send her the videos for her to edit but the script was incomplete and she did not film her part yet as well. So how did she expect to edit any clips with even herself not being filmed? So we complied and set aside all of our other matters to meet up on tuesday. On tuesday she arrives 10 minutes before the next class begins so it was totally pointless for her to go since ALL OF US WERE FINISHED filming our parts. We gave her till wednesday lunch time which she said she’d go to. So I cancelled all my lunch plans and moved them to the afternoon to adjust to her. When we went to the meeting area we waited 20 minutes before I get a message saying she had to process a medical certificate TOTALLY UNRELATED TO CT 11. She had all the time to do it but decided to skip our filming time to do it. But I was trying to be understanding so I gave her until the afternoon to drop by. In effect, I had to cancel all of my plans once again FOR HER and it made a lot of the people I made plans with upset but what could I do? I needed it for my requirements. She took FOREEEVER and she was so bratty about the whole thing. After filming, she made me walk all the way to the other side of the academic oval to give her the flashdrive because she said she was going to be late for her class. Guess what? When I rush to got to her classroom, SHE WASNT EVEN THERE. I just didn’t understand what was so hard about complying to protocols. And finally, for the submission, since she was to edit the video, SHE WAS LATE. That was the last straw for me so I told her in a professional manner that she had to submit the requirement, and informed her that she wasn’t and hasn’t been following protocol for the whole project. The reply I get? She swears at me. 

--- REST WEEK DUE TO ASEAN ---

This week, I did not go to class because I needed to rest. I realized that academic success doesn’t really mean anything when you’re not even acting like a human anymore. I was getting anxiety attacks almost every day (but none that were so so extreme. I had about 3 or 4 though, in the first semester.) which was really taking a toll on me. I felt alone and I really wanted to drop out and start over. On Tuesday, I went to the makeup class hosted by Katcy which was actually really fun. I learned a lot about colors and shapes in relation to my face and skin.