#credittoowners

It was the first phone call when Cordelia knew, the abrupt change from careless laughter to complete silence and shock written across your usual cheerful features. It was the shaking of your knees, how your hand gripped onto the nearest surface to find some stability when Cordelia knew. And lastly, it was the complete lack of emotions, no tears, no words other than briefly mentioning to them what happened before moving on with the conversation. That's when Cordelia knew.

For the weeks that followed she worried, the fact you didn't go to the funeral, that you never really acknowledged the subject, not when your family would call, not when either of them had asked you. And Cordelia knew you, maybe a little better than your other two girlfriends, she knew what the silence meant, that you were grieving, that you were sad. She considered whether maybe she was the wrong person to confide in as she knew how caring you were and she wondered whether you didn't want to talk to her about it, considering she had known grief and lost people in her life too.

However, one rainy afternoon as both Billie and Wilhemina returned, you still at work and telling them to get a head start with dinner, she understood the depths of it. The first week Billie offered to stay home, to do some work from there to be closer to you. The second week Wilhemina volunteered as she had needed some time off anyway, while Cordelia still needed to be present at the academy, teaching, taking care of the witches and going to several council meetings. That afternoon she began to understand the depths a little better, as Billie's worried brown eyes found hers, asked if you had finally talked to her. When Wilhemina shared the same silence, Cordelia knew that you had never confided in them either, never shown your sadness and only appeared your happiest, most helpful self around your other two girlfriends.

The blonde was almost in disbelief as she heard the front door open that evening, watching you enter from the living room, where she sat with the other two, watching you walk in, abandoning your things with grace. Even after a long day, three painful weeks you beamed as soon as you laid eyes upon them, you laughed in Billie's embrace a little later when she plastered your face in kisses, joked with Wilhemina about Billie's awful taste in reality tv shows. And she couldn't quite grasp how you remained so happy and cheerful. Cordelia tried to keep her composure after losing the people closest to her but there were always the quiet moments, when no company was nearby where she broke, fell apart and the tears flew, grief hitting her hard.

And she had watched you in the quiet moments, finding you in the greenhouse, doing some reading, watching you from her office as you took a walk in the gardens, watching quietly as you prepared dinner for them. Never a single tear, never a single sad glance. And that's when the concern settled into her features further, as she worried what was going on inside, behind the facade. Of course she had considered checking herself, however she loved you too much to just enter your thoughts and feelings without consent. And so she had decided to bring it up, properly check in on you and take some time to speak with you.

She had parked both Billie and Wilhemina in front of the TV that sunday afternoon, providing them with enough tea and snacks without the risk of a fight breaking out between the blonde and the redhead, before asking you to join her in her office. And just as she was about to speak, the second phone call came. And there was a split second when your breath got caught in your throat and she saw the panic in your eyes. She reassured herself it was nothing, surely the universe couldn't be that cruel, however when your knees began shaking the same way, your hand again gripping onto something and your face going pale, she knew. And Cordelia's face crumbled then, holding back her own tears in order to remain strong for you but there was something deeper about this, your reaction and mostly the lack of it.

When you filled her in that another member of your family had passed, a tear ran down her cheek, knowing those two people had been there throughout your growing up, having met them before and hearing the stories about them. Her heart ached for you, not being able to imagine what it must feel like to lose two people in such a short span of time. And she didn't know what to do, words suddenly leaving her and so all she did was walk towards you before wrapping you in a tight hug. A hug that was meant to comfort you, heal you from the wounds the cruel universe had inflicted upon you. However, you remained quiet, almost stiff in her arms before you asked whether you could join the other two again.

While you excused yourself to the bathroom, in secret stealing one of Billie's cigarettes and sneaking outside, she filled the other two in. Tears instantly filling Billie's vision, Wilhemina's face changing from a content to a concerned and utterly serious one. Her eyes instantly searched for you, wanting nothing more than to shield you from this, protect you from this cruel world and pain. As you entered again, a short while later, their faces instantly searched your own, concerned by the lack of tears or sadness on your features. ,,What's wrong?'' you asked in confusion, not able to work or understand even an inch of this grief and new information. Billie and Wilhemina exchanged glances before the medium spoke ,,I'm so sorry babydoll''. Wilhemina quickly ushered you to join her and you did, getting comfortable on her lap before her arms wrapped around yours. And Cordelia wondered then, whether you would finally fall apart, but you didn't, simply staying in your redhead girlfriends arms while watching the TV that ran in the background.

The weeks continued like before, the weather had been changing, the air colder, a lot more rain tapping against the large windows of the academy as autumn approached. The four of you continued with your lives, Cordelia working at the academy, Wilhemina working at her job, Billie filming her show and you equally going back and forth between your shift work and helping around the academy. They had been watching you carefully in these past few weeks, Billie trying to help out by showering you in gifts, especially ones surrounding self care products, face masks, tissues and even a beautiful notebook and pen with the intention of a journal. Wilhemina had made little tea sessions mandatory in her office again, hoping you would open up. Cordelia tried almost every day, when she found you cooking, found you reading in the greenhouse but there was nothing. You never opened up to Billie, even when she asked if she could help out with her gift of mediumship, not to Wilhemina over tea, only ever checking in on her and laughing with her. And Cordelia never managed to break through either, her concern growing with each passing rainy day.

In reality you had actively avoided the subject altogether, thinking about it, crying about it. Whenever they asked, you brushed it off as you had tricked your mind into thinking none of this ever happened. You still thought if you returned home, they would be right there. Waiting by the front door, hugging you tightly, the same smell lingering in the air. Waving goodbye to you at the all too familiar window before waving like crazy as you drove off. Your brain tricked you into it so much that you even thought they simply went away, on vacation. But slowly, over the weeks the realisation kicked in that they were gone, that they wouldn't return, that they wouldn't be waiting at the door with a big hug, that they wouldn't be waving you goodbye at the window. At first it creeped into your mind during the day, during work or during driving. Then it settled in properly, keeping you awake at night, dreams of them haunting you, song lyrics suddenly replaying in your mind throughout the day.

And you knew that they worried, you knew Billie was only showering you in gifts to make this sadness go away, Wilhemina only inviting you to tea and Cordelia asking so much because they wanted to be there, wanted you to open up about it. And you considered, the other night when Billie was doing face masks with you and pampering you, when you sat in Wilhemina's office for tea earlier and when Cordelia tried shushing you to sleep hours ago. You considered whether to talk to them, whether to finally let this take over instead of pushing it away as you knew it was catching on. But for some reason it feels like if you talk about it, if you so much as cry about it, you couldn't suppress it anymore and the thought terrifies you. And so all you can do is, toss and turn, stare at the ceiling, hope that sleep would wash over you again but it was hopeless. Despite Billie's silly snores filling the air, that usually made you chuckle, despite Wilhemina and Cordelia's arms wrapped around you softly, you couldn't feel comfort, you couldn't feel safe.

When sleep finally washed over you again, it only lasted shortly as dreams of them haunted you, the same image replaying in your dreams over and over again, the times you had seen them last, their voices sounding so real, their touches feeling so real.

,,Y/N..little one'' the calling of your name softly draws you from sleep, as well as the slight shaking of your shoulder. When your eyes force open, Wilhemina fills your vision, her concerned eyes landing on yours, her hair messy from sleep, the little light on her bedside table exposing her tired and worried brown eyes. ,,Are you okay?'' her voice rings through the air again and that's when you feel that your cheeks are wet, realising you must have been crying in your sleep. ,,Come here'' the redhead ushers before pulling you into her arms. The soft scent of lavender greets you and she manages to calm the storm raging inside you, simply by holding you close to her chest and whispering reassuring words, soothing you right back to sleep.

It‘s the next morning, Billie and you already long having been at work, when another realisation hits Cordelia. It‘s the way Wilhemina knocked at her office door, the impatience and seriousness almost matching the rain tapping louder against the large windows of the academy today. With loud cane taps and a worried expression, she approaches the supreme, who instantly stops typing on her laptop after seeing her girlfriend enter her office. „Are you okay honey?“ the supreme speaks softly, her eyebrows beginning to twitch in concern over the redhead. It takes a few seconds for the redhead to compose herself, to win the battle in her head over whether this was justified. When she does, her words hit the supreme like a knife, the guilt beginning to overwhelm her as all along she knew she had been right. „I‘m worried about Y/N“ the redhead explains, before filling the blonde in further about the night prior, your nightmares and the crying.

Wilhemina remains silent, knowing if the supreme was clueless in this situation, there wasn't a lot she could do either. The redhead knows that Cordelia was usually the one doing this, taking care when Billie was going through a rough patch with her shows, the ghosts haunting her in her sleep, taking care of Wilhemina when the pain of the world and her back got too overwhelming. The redhead sighs, contemplating their options, knowing simply talking to you wasn't going to fix this, as she knows you wouldn't simply open up, despite the moment of vulnerability the night prior when she held you in her arms. ,,Has Billie tried yet?'' she asks, thinking about whether her girlfriends gift of mediumship may come in handy to support you on this journey. ,,Yes..'' Cordelia sighs, remembering the blonde having talked about offering it to you a few times. ,,I see'' Wilhemina sighs, her gaze avoiding her girlfriends as their voices are drawn out from the rain, thunder beginning to grumble in the distances and distracting their worried minds for a moment.

,,I think of you all the time... now that you're gone'' the lyrics repeat, drawing out both the rain and thunder from outside, taking over your racing mind and the aching in your heart. As you lay in bed, the blanked wrapped over your head as to hide away from the world, the overwhelming sadness and grief seems to almost drown you whole. You had taken the day off work today, having forgotten to mention it to your girlfriends, simply slipping past the supreme's office and hiding in bed, not feeling like doing another shift today, not feeling like helping around the academy, not feeling like spending it in the comforting and happy embrace of your three girlfriends. You know how gifted you are not only to love but be loved by not only one or two but three beautiful women. You loved them so deeply, with every fibre of your being, your heart beating for and because of them only.

And you know you should confide in them, answer Billie's texts, answering Wilhemina's usual lunch time phone call or even bursting in the supreme's office before falling apart in her arms and finally open up. But despite your love for them, despite the fact that they made your life worthwhile, you couldn't tell them, still fearing it would break you indefinitely. They knew a lot about your life, your upbringing, your career path, your little quirks and interest, your favourite meal, favourite season, favourite music. They knew little bits about your past, but you often left out the sad ones. Knowing that they each had their lives together so well and at the same time, each of them knew great pain that you couldn't possibly add to. And being so lost in your grief you hadn't even thought about the possibility of their worry, that they knew and all they had been thinking and worrying about lately had been you.

They didn't know about your past, that you had to cope with loss from an early age on, in your teenage years when the world was so open and unpredictable at the same time. Then it hit you again, another second phone call at the time and the same news. Since then you had struggled with loss, a friendship going south, an unrequited love long before meeting them. A coworker leaving your workplace, each of them felt like grief over and over again, knowing those people wouldn't be in your life anymore, and if they were lucky enough to still walk the earth, you knew they wouldn't walk it alongside with you and it had killed you in ways unimaginable. You had never told this to anybody, not Cordelia, not your friends or family, not even yourself really, never admitting your abandonment issues even to yourself before.

You must have been laying there for hours, the same song on repeat as your thoughts are running a marathon inside your brain. It's late afternoon when Billie steps into the bedroom to get changed, completely missing your presence until she registers the music. She had assumed you are still at work, as neither Cordelia or Wilhemina had heard from you yet and knowing how busy and demanding your work could get at times, that you couldn't look at your phone or answer their messages. ,,Baby?'' she whispers carefully as she lifts the blanket gently, only to expose you sleeping, as it had washed over you mere moments ago. She frowns, deciding to let you catch up on some rest, gently tapping your phone and pausing the song so you could get some uninterrupted sleep. She knows all too well, how tired and exhausted grief could make a person, so sleep was a priority, despite her feeling the urge to wake you, hold you close.

When she returns, Cordelia and Wilhemina finish preparing dinner in the kitchen, watching as the medium fiddles inside her handbag, reaching for her cigarettes and a lighter. ,,What is it?'' Cordelia asks gently before the blonde speaks ,,Y/N is sleeping upstairs'' she confirms, before glancing at her two girlfriends and retreating to the gardens, lighting her cigarette and blowing the concern away. When Cordelia's eyes meet the redheads, they share the same knowing look, the realisation that you hadn't been to work today, despite being scheduled, knowing that they would have heard you come home and the concern only settling in further. When Billie returns moments later, she tenses, seeing her other two girlfriends with the same expression etched on their beautiful faces. ,,She- she's'' she begins but stops herself in order to collect herself. ,,I think she is struggling more than we know'' the medium admits before filling them in on her discovery, the song that had repeated, the words that clearly must have spoken your mind, hence why it had played on repeat.

Silence settles into the kitchen, as they begin their meals, neither of them feeling very hungry but at the same time knowing there is nothing they can do right now. Small chatter settles into the kitchen, the three of them sharing details about their days, despite their thoughts staying with you. It's about an hour later, when you walk into the kitchen, feeling a sudden weight of loneliness and wanting to be close to your girlfriends. ,,Hi'' you whisper, startling your girlfriends in the process. ,,Oh hi sweetie'' Cordelia greets you in surprise, not expecting to see you awake just yet. ,,Hello little one'' Wilhemina greets you softly, her head tilting to the side a little as if she was trying to observe you, to somehow look behind the facade. ,,Darling, I hope I didn't wake you earlier, I turned your music off so you could get some sleep'' Billie apologises, patting the space next to her, Cordelia already on her way to serve you some dinner. ,,It's okay Billie'' you assure, before settling in the chair next to her.

,,Here you go sweetie'' Cordelia coos, setting the plate of your favourite food in front of you, making your mouth water, before pressing a soft kiss to your temples, causing for butterflies to fill your stomach. ,,Thanks Delia'' you whisper, before glancing at your plate. Silence fills the kitchen again, the only sound to be heard the rain again pouring outside. Despite your eyes being fixed on your plate, you could feel their glances on you, Billie's frown, Cordelia's concern and Wilhemina's seriousness. Trying to hide your inner turmoil you reach for the fork, mostly stabbing at your food as the thought of swallowing it felt overwhelming, feeling the strange urge with each day that your throat was closing up and the waterfall of tears was finally going to burst. They instantly pick up your shaky exhaling, the shaking of your hands as you quickly set the fork back down. The three of them exchange knowing glances before Wilhemina speaks softly.

,,Little one, are you okay?'' her voice is gentle, much more gently than her usual tone, her usual demeanour. And that's all it took, one glance at them after, Cordelia's eyebrows knitting in concern and Billie's hand landing on your leg to comfort you, when you fall apart. ,,If I would- if I only would have known'' you stutter, locking eyes with Cordelia as if silently pleading with her to make this overwhelming pain in your heart stop. ,,Oh sweetheart'' Cordelia coos, quickly on her feet before kneeling beside you and placing her hands on your knees. ,,If I would have known..-'' you begin again but the supreme is quick to shush you. ,,I know sweetie.. I know'' she reassures before taking your sad frame into her arms. And that's when the waterfall breaks, each single tear, each sob, each scream that you had held in for so long, begins breaking out of you, as you fall apart in her arms, Billie quick by your side, wiping your tears, putting your hair up and placing her hands on your shoulders to comfort you. Wilhemina watches in pain, never having seen you like this before, usually so strong and composed and she didn't know what to do, knowing there was no words, no gesture that could fix this as of right now.

,,I miss them so much...It doesn't feel real...they aren't really gone are they?'' you whisper in between sobs, each statement, each question more painful than the last one, shattering their hearts a little further, watching you struggle with grief that arrived at last. ,,It's okay baby, you're okay'' Billie reassures, knowing the questions didn't need answering as you knew the answers deep down, knowing this was coming from pure grief and desperation, your mind trying to bargain that this couldn't possibly be real. And despite having done this plenty of times in her career, telling people of the passing of a loved one, giving them messages from their ghosts, this was more painful than anything she had ever needed to do. The pain of seeing you like this, more painful than any other client she had ever comforted.

,,Sweetie, how about we get you upstairs?'' Cordelia offers, watching as your body begins shaking uncontrollably at the weight of the pain hitting you. Despite your inability to answer, Billie takes over, agreeing with the supreme, before they both lift you into their arms, carrying you upstairs in a swift motion. Wilhemina follows behind with some water and tissues, knowing this may be a long night to come and wanting to help out in whatever way she can, knowing she was no use when it comes to carrying you as her back wouldn't allow it.

Your tears continue to flow, a mixture of pent-up grief and pain finally finding it's release. Cordelia and Billie carefully lay you down on the bed, positioning themselves on either side of you. Wilhemina sits nearby, placing the water and tissues within reach, her eyes filled with both concern and love. Cordelia gently wipes your tears away, her touch tender and soothing. ,,You are safe sweetie, let it all out, we're right here'' she whispers, her voice a balm to your shattered heart.

They take turns, Billie next to wrap her arms around you ,,We've got you darling, we're here'' she murmurs, her hand running through your hair in a calming rhythm. Despite the sobbing, shaking and crying, you manage to feel Wilhemina taking one of your hands in hers, squeezing it reassuringly. ,,You are doing so well, little one'' she praises softly, her usual stern voice filled with gentleness.

The room fills with a heavy silence, punctuated only by your sobs and the occasional comforting words of your girlfriends. Each of them holds you in their own way, creating a fortress of love and support around you. Wilhemina holding both your hand and gaze, Billie leaning her head on your shoulder to reassure you she is here and Cordelia holding you in her steady arms, letting the sobs rip through your body before holding you steady in place. The storm outside seems to mirror the storms within you, the rain beating against the windows in a relentless and angry rhythm.

Minutes stretch into hours as you continue to cry, the grief pouring out of you like a flood. Your body trembles with the force of your emotions, however the warmth of your girlfriends by your side, begins to calm the icy numbness that has held you in place for so long. Finally the sobs start to subside, leaving you exhausted and drained as a mixture of fatigue and tiredness overwhelms you. Cordelia brushes a strand of hair from your face, her eyes soft and understanding, some relief washing over her features, despite this sight breaking her, knowing you finally open up would finally allow them to support you, to guide and hold you through this. ,,Whenever you're ready to talk, we will be here to listen'' she reassures, her voice steady and reassuring.

Billie presses a gentle kiss to your forehead before whispering ,,For now we get you some sleep'' she suggests and you simply nod, unable to think or do anything at this point. Your eyes instantly wander to Wilhemina, a silent plea for her touch and despite it taking her by surprise, she lays down, before both Billie and Cordelia gently place you in her arms, as you rest your head on her chest. Both of your blonde girlfriends lay down beside you two, their faces turned towards you, their hands still lingering nearby.

Wilhemina begins running her fingers through your messy hair, stroking it gently, causing your eyelids to feel even heavier than before. ,,I promise you little one, it will be okay, not now, not for a while and this will hurt for a long time to come but we will be right here with you'' she whispers, her words repeating in your mind and managing to calm your raging storm of thoughts and the sadness in your heart as the words settle properly. You seem to grip onto her even further, holding on for dear life before the exhaustion takes over, causing your eyelids to close and sleep slowly washing over you.