#creative wrighting

Heads up, Christmas carolers! It’s gonna be a bloody one this holiday season! Not sure if you caught the post I shared from my main blog, but that’s what this one is for! =D So I started working on a goofy Christmas horror story last month, hoping to be able to put it out by the 25th, but it’s a lofty goal and it may do me better to wait ‘til next season, but I’m still pushing for this one. I just got the cover art back today and it’s fucking perfect for the silly, bloody, morbid tone of the novel. This is a teaser for you guys (the book’s back cover) and a taste of the story’s concept. The book is called A Christmas Carcassing and I’m about half way though with it. This shit has been a blast. It’s totally stoner-flavored (as you can see) with a couple of African-American gamer kids as my main peeps who’re entangled in seasonal gore by no choice of their own, trudging though it all while trying to hide the blood all over their frosted kicks!

Stay connected for more updates and when and where the novel will be released. I was planning on putting it on Amazon this Christmas, but if I don’t make it I’ll have time to build my own inventory and skip over the corporate sleaze bags who’d make more money than me off my own work, so we’ll see. It’d be some sort of Christmas miracle to get this bitch out this year, but you never know. I’m surprised at how fast I’ve gotten through it so far. So share this post if you’re digging it and keep you fingers crossed that I can get it done sooner rather than later.

My dad is a crises worker counselor. He deals with people who tries to commit suicide. I still can’t believe that my adopted  dad was the one who got the call. Chanthu and Laura told that dad got the phone call. I was thinking, what. Must been hard to see your own daughter slowly drifting way. Laura said dad was going here and there contacting doctors. Mom and Dad don’t get along. Lucky he was done with his job, just on time to leave before Joanne came along. 

Now I am alive, my dad keeps telling me, I should hikes the White Mountains. I haven’t seen him much as a child growing up. Joanne has her ways. Dad wants  to go in the fall. Ok, I can hike up. 

When I went cycling today, I was feeling very annoyed with me. I was pushing myself to go further but I couldn’t. How can I climb a mountain? Look what I did to myself. I have no energy to cycle. Only way I can get the energy is to push myself. I feel like if I go to the White Mountain, I be pushing myself. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Hopefully I can my energy will be more upbeat.

I am here where are you have you forgotten me Can you hear me whispering in your ears Where are those memories that was once  there Have I blurred out the memories that we shared together Memories of us running through the field with the mountains that is surrounded with the fresh ocean breeze For my memories have been a little hazy to remember for those golden days For I am here For you whisper the sounds of yourself crying in the shadows that I blurred into a memory that is forgotten

-For there you will linger through the darkness of shadows that will take me away Take me away from all the things that haunts me most Take me to a place that beyond the darkness that blinds me

-Where is that place that was once full of life that light up the darkness of times How did the shadows that lurk slowly inside of me You made me believe that I needed you most You took away everything from me Somehow in end the end you have left me behind

-I feel the rain on my body taking me to a place that I dare to face The rain washes away the sounds of the person  voice trying to get me out of the darkness that takes me deeper There I feel the cold numbing my body so I can’t feel the flames that is ready to be out of control I feel my body shutting down the person who is standing there waiting for me to come back from that darkness that lingers inside me

-There I walked on the snowy sidewalks For  I kick the snow into the misty air There my therapist telling me to slow down For I don't care because I am in the moment feeling the snow on my bare feet You asked me once  again, you asked me twice For I don't care for the snow is there You asked me twice you asked me the third time For the snow has numbed my thought that you are not  there

I can hear you inside me. Hearing you get louder and louder.!! Please, Please! For I hear the only the whisper that no one hears. You whisper saying, “Mardi I know what you want most.” “We have survive together, lets see how far we can go.” “Mardi, don’t be so sad.” It’s ok, just breath.” “Just let go.” How can I?” I tried to let go.” How hard can this be? Please just leave me be!! “Mardi, I am not telling you to keep going.” I know what you want.” 

Somehow I just mange myself to pull out that drags me in to another place that no one can go to. A place that no one can hear. Why, Why me? I keep telling myself. I can pull myself out.  Have I fail? Have I not tried my best? I want to believe I can, I keep believing I can. Am I one of those people who will keep push through life until the person can no longer push through?

Former mentor  told me, People just don’t want to pull out. They don’t have the tools to pull out of depression. It’s ok to commit suicide. We will miss you but that your choice to take that path.  Recently Gabrielle and a group of people talked about depression and leading to suicide. Lately Gabrielle’s friend is dealing with depression since the death of her husband. My question to this person,  which is frustration in me, What about the people who can not pull themselves out? I get angry inside the fact she really doesn’t understand the mental mind. 

Someone I know  shared a letter with me about a  suicide note that a person left behind. Explaining inside. Were was his support? Why did people let him go? Even tho people knew what he wanted. I am lost. I imagine that in my mind.

I feel this linger thought in me, I am expression in my art journal, I can’t keep count how many art journals I have torn over the years. I keep drawing and that linger voice keeps coming back. 

My biggest fear, the fact number 5 therapist will quit on me, since the number four, I have truly know what I want. Deep inside me, that LOUDER VOICE in me keeps telling me, “MARDI I KNOW YOU.” “Why wast your  time your time and their time.?” “You have survived.”  ”WE survived!!” “We can get through this.” 

My  Second biggest fear in therapy sessions, I am going to have a breakdown. NO! I won’t. I will not let this happen. 

If this happens, than, I will be a survivor pushing through the wind and the sea that drags me in. I will keep my strength until I can bare no more. 

No matter where I go, doing something interesting, being with people, I can’t escape. Perhaps I am wasting my time and therapist time. Perhaps I want to hear this therapist to say it’s ok. Somehow I feel Gabrielle voice right there telling me it’s ok. Just breath. Breath. I am breathing. Let go. 

Rattling in a void, I spent time with myself; the human remains in me drained away, seeped from a hole I could have plugged had I let you go.

Infestation soon set and induced a mold that thrives in shadow; I can dim the awe of sunset.

I am biking to South Portland! Go explore South Portland. Never a dull moment to go exploring around Portland and outside of Portland. Where I will I go next after South Portland. I just go! Why plan? I just go. Go until I satisfy with myself. Lets go and be free. Free from all the worries and keep going. My method to keep going! Go far and be adventurous. Why should I dwell and think about the past?  I need to let go somehow. Question is, when will I be free from all these disconnection self. 

I can see why people just keep traveling far. I travel far with my bike. I go and I go.  Next is place  to explore South Portland Maine.  get ready to cycle my way through!  

I sure like the Falmouth beach vs the beaches in Portland. Cape Elizabeth is ok but nothing to interesting to see. Falmouth beach reminds me of Newbury Neck road. The ocean I grew up from. Ocean is the best place to be if there is a nice view besides buildings and more buildings. That just kills the enjoyment. Yarmouth is AMAZING!! Love the nature there!!  Again as I said, Each part of Maine has its unique place. 

Well, am I going over the top with my biking extreme?

Let’s say it’s a way to cycle off my feelings. When I feel all that weight I go as far as I can. Push myself to go further down the road. While I push myself to go further I photograph each step of the way. I take the time to see my surroundings.

I saw my therapist on Wednesday. Lucky for me my therapist change the time instead in the morning. I headed out from the apartment around 8am in the morning. Went exploring on the trails before heading my long distance ever. I didn’t have a map with me since I can’t read maps. Should learn butI like the adventure when I just let my mind take me there. I soon got to the end of a split road. I stop pull my iPhone to figure where I was. Landed in Falmouth Maine. Impressive for me for sure.

Well, I cycle my way until 1pm. Therapy came fast. Where dose time go? Going back, I went to Whole Foods Market to get a big bottle of orange juice for lunch and soaked my hair. It was 90 degree outside.

I told my therapist I biked from 8am to now. I told the therapist, I had water, watermelon and Apple with me. No big deal. I survived the journey. I know I wouldn’t be going biking without my water & fruits. Yah I bring a vegetable next time. I guess the therapist don’t see each other views on how I eat my way.

I will keep cycling & exploring when I have my free time. This is how I deal with my feelings.