#crazythinking

I am going to, for once, just type what is flying through my mind.  Do not fear, if you are reading this.  I’m quite certain that I’m not mad, just a bit off right now.  It will pass, I think.  Tomorrow morning I shall wake up, and hopefully, feel more normal.  For now.I just want to try to trip through my thoughts.

This man lying next to me, snoring softly, sleeping soundly, has no idea how he has saved me so many times over the past 20 something years. 

All day today I have felt so out of it.  My head is full of echoey yuckiness.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  I just know I don’t like it.  One second I feel euphoric and the next, so sad and unsure. 

I have a head cold.  It started a couple of days ago.  So I’m not sure if I’m just feeling the delirium from that or what.  Since I over-analyze everything it’s possible that the cold just helps emphasize the craziness.  At the same time I am under the influence of some new medicine.  My doctor gave it to me and it is supposed to help me.  Because this time of year I really struggle.  People call it S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) or something like that.  I don’t really know if that’s the problem but it happens every year and it lasts several months and it’s during the gloomy, cold months.  I don’t know, though, I have OCD and struggle with depression, in general, so does time of year really matter?

Lots of people blog or write about similar feelings and experiences so I should feel like I am in good company and sometimes I do…sometimes I feel like we are all in this great group of people…silent but here nevertheless.

In the moments right now when I feel the euphoria, it’s odd and scary.  I am quite sure it is also because of the medication.  And the head cold.  Did I mention that?

I want to be an open person.  I want to be loving and lovely to those around me.  Most of all, I want to be those things to my husband.  But most of the time, I feel very closed off.  I don’t know why.  I speculate.  I can think of a million reasons why.  None of those reasons makes much sense and they certainly don’t help fix the broken bits inside. 

I imagine most people are like me.  Most people, I think, worry about how they come off to others.  We walk around looking like we know what we’re doing because it’s what we are taught.  “Walk tall and stand proud.  Don’t slouch.”  Sometimes I just want to crawl though.  Sometimes I want to hide under something in a corner or dig a hole and schlop there.  Except I have such a fear of closed in places and being buried alive.  Another something I don’t admit to many people.

But this man….yes he is always here.  I can count on him no matter the craziness in my head.  He is the constant calming force in my life.  Never do I have to fear that he will judge me or take advantage of my fears.  He stands by me and loves me with patience, tolerance and love I’ve never really understood.

I have had times in life where I have totally shut down.  I’ve needed someone to be there to help me to move.  He has driven me forward.  Never pushing, just gently leading.  Always, that is what he does. 

If I spoke to him.  If I told him this, he would lightly laugh and say that he is glad I feel that way and that he loves me too.  But he would still not know, really, not fully and not totally, that I cannot imagine life without him.  I cannot imagine standing alone.  I wouldn’t know how to walk without the knowledge of his presence never far from me.  Even when he was far away in the geographical sense, when the military had him half the world away, I knew he was here with me.  I am complete because of him.

My children….I hope they realize what a treasure he is for a father.  I know that as they have children of their own, it will become clearer.  I think they will remember all the things he did to make them laugh, even when he was educating them or helping them, whether it was in small or large ways.  God, please let them know there is no better dad.  Let my girls know that their partner for life should have the same caring and devotion, faithfulness and sentiment, Godliness and strength of character, that their daddy has.  Because if they settle for anything less, to say they will be missing out, is an understatement.  May my boys emulate him.  In everything they do, everywhere they go, may they be like their father. 

This is what I wanted to say for a very long time.  But it is so hard to sit and put it all down because it flies through my mind at a velocity so fast I can’t ever seem to get a handle on it, let alone grasp it and pull it in.