I’m horrible at keeping my commitments.

I say I’ll write every day and I don’t.

I say I’ll learn to be a better friend but I don’t think I try hard enough.

I make promises to myself about loving me and getting fit but I don’t.

I swear that I’ll control my anger but it’s hard.

I try to stifle pain but I’m not there yet.

I want to be better but it’s still a goal.

I need to make peace with being alone but I still haven’t learnt how.

I have a lot of things I need to do but keep thinking I can’t, so I don’t.

This year all I want is the strength to stay committed to these commitments that have been forever dragging me down.

-

A ( via @thememoiristslosttrain )

I’m going to do a year long series to push myself to being committed to the things I run from.

#365 letters to the world for and from me

It was the first day of our trip, hitting that open road and feeling so, so free. Like the usual responsibilities of life didn't apply to us in that moment. I took a deep breath, putting another burger wrapper in our trash bag before looking out the window again, fingers lightly grazing my bloated stomach. As soon as we got back, it wouldn't be so noticeable. Going on road-trips was like being in front of a camera, it added ten pounds! Plus, I'd hit the gym, make a big salad, all that stuff...

In truth, I hadn't seriously thought about doing any of that in months, but it was so much fun to say! They got so wound up, their voice getting tight every time I mentioned it as their eyes honed in on my belly. They hadn't said flat out how much they enjoyed my weight gain, and I didn't feel the need for it to turn into a conversation. Not when I liked how things were going as they were. Whenever we got gas, we got food. And when I finished the increasingly large orders, we stopped for more. Not immediately... But shortly after.

"Hey, pull in, would you? I'm feeling kinda peckish."

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather go in somewhere to eat?" I asked, looking at them a moment before focusing back on the road and finding somewhere to stop and plan our next move. I was curious myself. Were we going to stop and have everyone see just what a pig I was, or was it subconscious? Did they think I'd eat more on the road with nothing else to focus on in the passenger seat? The latter idea was hot... "I kind of wanted to cover some more distance, but I totally get if you wanna get out and stretch your legs." I almost smiled as they backtracked, the plan quickly turning into burgers, soft drinks, desserts and fries... Bags getting passed to me as I was once again sitting in the passenger seat.

I really was getting full, and I noticed myself slowing down long before my order was finished. They had one burger and were nursing a soda. I still had an unopened bag after this one...

I stifled a burp, and then a moan, and a groan as I undid my pants button, promising I'd wear sweatpants tomorrow. I huffed, just so sightly as I leaned forward. Just a little bit more and then I'd be done... My belly was getting in the way a bit, but I didn't want the food to go to waste! It wouldn't be any good tomorrow and there was just so little of it! - They fell asleep as soon as they threw away the wrapper, their little face missing some of the bliss of sleep as the road jostled everything in that overstuffed gut of theirs. They'd outdone themselves this time! They had no idea. How much longer would they say it was just bloating, or water weight as they continued eating themselves into obesity? Their shirt had ridden up, exposing the round ball of developing fat. One day, they wouldn't be able to suck it in, and one day, they were going to have to admit they had lost control.

“Hey, hey.” I whispered, shaking their shoulder... My fingers sank into the tissue slightly. I doubt they even noticed their shirts getting tighter around the shoulders. Not when they were denying the gut resting on their lap. “I got us a motel room.” They moaned, nodding and letting out a huge huff as they adjusted themselves to sitting a little straighter. It was a struggle that took several minutes, but they finally lumbered out of the car, holding their overstuffed gut as they slowly walked into our room.The first floor. I wasn’t going to torture them with stairs. Not tonight at least. “Oh, thank you love. The car was so uncomfortable to sleep in.” They sighed, laying in the middle of the bed. Not that I minded.

The next day, we officially had to retire the pants they were wearing. Even on an empty stomach, with all the huffing and puffing, and me trying to help button the jeans, they just didn’t fit anymore.

“I fit into them later.” They said, changing into some sweatpants. “Road calories don’t count, so as soon as we get back, everything should be good.” They slipped into a new shirt, a strip of their lower belly on display.

I was cleaning out the bedroom in the house I had recently inherited from one of my great relatives. I didn’t think we were particularly close, I wasn’t even there when they died! But apparently I was wrong. Part of me wondered if they had no one else, or if any children they might have had died from… er, weight related issues. The whole family on this side had them, while my parents and myself had always seemed to have fast metabolisms and stay pretty thin, no matter what.

“What? Seriously?” I asked to no one as I held up a large pair of pants. They looked like they could three or so of me. I wasn’t one to judge for people’s weight, but for myself? I couldn’t even imagine myself in the same place, carrying around that much extra weight. I shake my head, deciding to deal with the clothes later as I emptied out half of the drawer and put my own clothes in, continuing to take care of all the other little things I had to do before going to bed late. I woke up groggy the next morning, and accidentally put on the oversized pair of pants, taking them from the other side of the drawer. “Oh. Woops.”

I rubbed my eyes, stepping out of the pants, not noticing that I felt a little hungrier than usual, and that my stomach curved out a little more than it normally did. I was tired! But the shower woke me right up, and I got dressed as normal, wondering if these jeans always took a little effort to button…

No, it must have been me. I was just imaging things as I went out, deciding to get a lazy breakfast of coffee and doughnuts as I pointed to the ones I liked, not realizing that my stomach was pushing outwards, and slowly creating a muffin top until I got home, grimacing slightly as I noticed how tight my pants- whoa.

“What the fuck?” I was skinny! There was no way this was happening! People didn’t just get chubby in a day! I suddenly wished I hadn’t ate those doughnuts as I grabbed my… belly. So I had a belly now. It wasn’t the largest, but… This wasn’t right! I didn’t have this a day ago!

The pants I had found were the last thing on my mind as I spent the day researching online, eventually caving to my stomach as I unbuttoned my pants and ordered some pizza. I couldn’t help it! My belly was so hungry, even if I looked like I had ate enough to not starve for months without food.

My stomach disagreed, and kept on disagreeing as I decided to get out of my incredibly tight pants, my belly jiggling slightly as I took off my old pants and found an extremely old pair of fat pants from the family that were a little too big for me at the moment… God, I hoped I wasn’t going to grow into them. What was I going to do if I was so fat? …I was kinda curious as I played with my stomach and put on a belt, which proved to be a mistake as I quickly regained my muffin top.

“Am I fat?” I asked later, knowing there was no solution as I was quickly outgrowing sizes. Really, I knew the answer, but I needed someone to say it as I took a quick video of myself, showing off my belly, thighs, arms, and walk before I stopped recording and posted it. “Wow. Piggy wanting to know if they’re fat. You’re obese! Show some control! This did not happen on its own.”