You, who called my 12 year old self a gift

I hate you

You, who called my 12 year old self a gift

I need you

Cause I’m seriously doubting myself

Seriously craving for validation

There are a lot of different ways on how I can start this craft essay. I can use the “Reader first, writer after” or the iconic “At 13, I discovered how writing could perform its magic,” I can even use the “Writing gives me the privilege to create my own world.” There are a lot of options, but there words are buried in the back of my mind. ‘Cause as I wrote this essay, the only thing I could think of is “you would submit another boring essay because you are losing your words, or better yet, you are not that good of a writer, you are just a kid that got praise a lot.”

It is a comedy that I am supposed to tell a story about how I became a creative writer when I’ve been doubting myself for a year now, comparing myself to other kids’ words, hating my previous works. How am I supposed to call myself a writer when not so long ago, I forgot the word “insecure.”And looking back, that memory is a shit show, ‘cause how can a person disregard the only word that can describe her current status.

As I overthink about my capability of being a writer, one famous character keeps knocking into my head and I’m telling you, I am seriously ignoring her, the Rory Gilmore from the show Gilmore Girls. Yes, I am comparing myself to Rory. And before any of you laugh at me, let me finish first (you finish reading first to be exact). I’m talking about the Yale Rory, The Year In A Life Rory.The one where she faced her downfall, as the viewers would call it.

After 3 paragraphs, I would finally tell my journey as a creative writer, by using Rory GIlmore as a reference.

Rory started off as a kid who keeps her nose inside her books. Would automatically shut down as she turned her page. Being a journalist is her dream, and going to Harvard is her lifetime wish. Her dreams are high and impossible a person outside her town would say. But Rory never experienced or faced doubtness, everyone in Star Hollows put her in a pedestrial, even the grandparents who lived in different postal codes. She has it all, brain, confidence, tallent, support system, and even beauty. However, nothing is constant, no one could be at the top for so long. Rory declined Harvard and went to Yale. And everyone who watched the show would express their feelings in this storyline in different cuss words, they could even invent one.

Someone doubted Rory’s ability to be a journalist. One sentence ruined her entire life, her belief system. Suddenly, she is staring outside, ignoring her midterm exams, dropping out of school, and moving into her grandparent’s pool house. She finally realizes how average her capability is, how she achieved to be the top of her class because she lives in a small town. Her works aren’t admiring, her face is. She is not gifted, she is just a kid who received a lot of praise.

She is the same as the writer. Her words aren’t moving, her previous teacher simply does not have lots of options. Her stories are not mind blowing, they are just surprised she can write a book. They just admire her, but not her words. She is not gifted, she is just a kid who received a lot of praise.

So tell me. How can I narrate my journey as a creative writer, when I am not even sure I must call myself a writer. 

Being a confused child about sexual orientation and gender identity, you can be confused on who to look up to. Being closeted can also be a struggle as you have nobody to share too, you have yourself and yourself only.

Gay culture in the Philippines has some strict standards on how you have to be. If you’re feminine, you have to be pretty, if not you have to be funny. If you’re masculine, you have to be hot, and if you’re not, you’ll be left in the dirt with no hope. Growing up feminine and noy exactly attractive was very damaging. Being a ground to earth person meant I don’t fit into those stereotypes. I had to put on a façade that I was always happy and funny.

It started with a spare notebook. Does it not always? I was a 6th grader, and I loved zombies. I loved school. I thought to myself, “Why not combine both?” So there I was, scribbling in my Hello Kitty notebook about a zombie outbreak. The plot was about how students would cope in a school setting. I was not creative, the characters were my classmates. I wrote their suffering, I wrote their grief. I killed my classmates. I do not recommend killing your classmates, but I do recommend writing about your zombie fantasies. My story was so good, my classmates read them! They were not so flattered reading about their detailed deaths. Definitely, it was original. The plot has neve been done before. I was the first one. I was optimistic, until I realized I was not so original after all. Thanks, “All of Us Are Dead!”

The following year, I would start junior high school. I wanted a new start. I moved to Japan. I abandoned my zombie story. I started writing other stories such as romance and slice of life. They were one page stories. With this, I also practiced my handwriting. If you think it is still bad now, think about how worse it was back in 2017. Even I cannot read it anymore. Literal chicken scratch. It helped with my creativity, not so sure with my style in general. I was struggling!

Year 2018, I published interactive stories on Twitter. I thought many would want to read and see. That was not the case! My stories were poorly written, with many inconsistencies and plot holes. Here, I realized my stories were less than entertaining. It felt like a chore to read. It was wordy, it was horrible. I lost motivation and just decided to start a journal. I have always loved the feeling of the pen gliding across the paper. I would always feel at ease. This went on until 2019. There was even a time when I made my own journal. Yes, I compiled, sowed, and wrote in my own journal. I loved writing in it so much, I finished it in two months. 

Then the pandemic hit. I used this time to actually think about what I want to do. I loved writing, but the type of writing I did was not for me. Over the years, I realized that fiction was not for me. I realized that I preferred pen and paper rather than a keyboard. I realized that I loved writing letters for the people I care about, I realized that journaling was the type of writing for me. I realized that I cannot write straight without a guide. Wow, that was a lot of realizing! 

This is a carefully kept secret, but every night before I go to bed, I make-up scenarios in my mind.

To begin, apart from academic or meaning materials, I recall the first book I’ve ever read. It was the hit, “the Diary of a Wimpy Kid,” I recollect being so engrossed in it, finishing in one setting. 

When I read, I make extensive use of my imagination. I always envision what I read. It makes the whole thing even more enjoyable. But, as I reflect on my childhood, I’ve come to realize I’ve always been imaginative. Fascinated by those around me, my surroundings, and why I think and act the way I do. 

I used to compose lyrics, narratives or storylines on an Orion Intermediate Pad. It’s incredible how I remember this detail, atleast to me. It consisted of my crush, kind and so charming, He was my seatmate, using different names to whatever I was writing. He’d read it at times, unaware it was about him. I don’t think he knew I had a crush on him at the time, and I hope he never finds out. Young me was so corny. 

Years passed, and fan fiction was my first exposure to writing online; actually taking the time to time and compose. I believe it took place in 2014? I used to read Wattpad, listen to kpop and one direction was it not a sure bet?

It was posted on my twitter stan account. I can't seem to recall particular elements and themes. The sure thing there was that it was a lot of grammatical mistakes and a lot of cringing. 

Man, it was truly an era. 

To be honest, I don’t write now as a hobby. What I do is think of scenarios, appropriate lines for it, visual settings and now I picture my characters. I’d jot them down on random papers. 

My subsequent writing experiences were prompted by requirements or performance tasks in junior high school. Fast forward to grade 11, upon transferring to Holy Angel, when there was a groupwork involving creation of scripts, I’d generally volunteer because it was something I felt more comfortable doing than speaking or editing. I was in conflict. I believe I felt mediocre since I could not fully show my creativity because of the restrictions and significance of sticking within the designated topic. 

“Preserve your memories, keep them well.”

“What you forget, you can never retell.”

Journaling has been the most meaningful thing I;ve begun this year. It caused me to reflect on my day, what I’ve learned, who I’ve spoken with, and what I’ve done. It prompted self-realization and reflections I had not thought about before.

To conclude, it also had a fundamental impact on my writing. It excited me to think I’d be capable of looking back upon my sentiment and thoughts. I look forward to use how my life changes month by month, year by year as I grow older. 

Things I have no control over will continue to happen. The key would be affirmation, and the reality that it’s all about perspective when it comes to life.

I constantly tell myself that regardless of what happens and no matter what othe people think and say,

I was not the most creative when it comes to writing when I was a kid, Growing up physical activities was my forte. I did not enjoy writing until one day, in my junior high days, there was an essay contest. I did not really had much of a choice but I thought that maybe I should try to exert some effort in this. Long story short, I won the contest and got my essay to be laminated as an award. That was the moment that I had discovered that i can think creatively in writing,