#cpd fic

She looked up from the spot her head was cradled in under his head and smiled. “What do you mean?”

“Usually you're out of my arms in the morning before I even wake up, but I like this version much better.”

“This time is different. What time do you have to check in with Sam again?”

Adam rubbed his eyes and answered, “not until around 3, but I was planning on going back to my UC apartment around lunch time. I can probably push it back a little longer though just to spend more time with you and Mack.”

Kim shook her head. “No, Adam, you have to stick to the plan just in case. You can’t get made. Plus we have the rest of our lives to spend together.” She dropped that last sentence so casually like it was nothing, but it made Adam shoot up to sit against the pillow behind his head. “What did you just say?”

“I told you this time was different. I know we have a lot still to talk about, but I’m done being scared with you. She leaned up to kiss him again until he pulled away.

“Hey, can we get something to eat first? I'm a little hungry.” Kim agreed and threw on Adam's flannel over her underwear and headed out to the kitchen. Adam stepped up behind her with just his boxers on and wrapped his arms around her waist as she got a pot of coffee started and rested his head on her shoulder while softly kissing the spot on her neck that she loved so much.

They were interrupted by a knock on the door. “Adam, what time is it?”

He leaned back to look at the clock and replied, “9 o’clock on the dot, why?”

Kim immediately started panicking. “Oh shoot, Amanda's mom said she was dropping Mack off at 9. I…we must have lost track of time.” Adam began laughing and couldn’t control himself. “Adam, this isn't a laughing matter. Our daughter is standing outside of our house right now and we're standing in the kitchen half naked and the living room and my bedroom are a mess.”

A knock came again. “Well you have more clothes on than me,” he proclaimed while still finding their current situation amusing. “Plus all of my clothes are upstairs.” Kim ran into her bedroom and threw his jeans from last night at him.

“Here. At least you'll have pants on.”

“Darlin’, I can't answer the door shirtless in front of a parent from school.”

Kim put her hands on his chest as she started to push him backwards, rotating him to face the front door, and eventually moving her hands to his butt to scoot him towards the door. “It's okay, trust me. All of the moms at school already have a thing for you anyways,” she revealed with a wink. “Now just distract them for like two minutes while I clean this mess up.”

Adam opens the door to see Makayla, Amanda, and Amanda’s mom standing on the front porch. “Hi Adam!”

“Hi Mack, did you have fun?” Mack nods and tries to run through the door, but Adam bends down to stop her. “Hey now, make sure you thank Amanda and her mom for having you sleep over."

“Thank you, see you at school on Monday," Makayla yelled as she waved to her friend and eventually pushed past Adam. “Mom, I'm home.”

“Hey bud,” Kim answered just as she was finishing shutting the door to her bedroom where she hid the mess with a robe on, replacing Adam's flannel she was wearing earlier. Adam turned the corner, afraid to see if Kim had enough time to clean up the mess and he had to admit she did a pretty good job. That was until Makayla asked, "what happened to the lamp that was here?"

Adam stood behind Mack in silence as he threw his hand over his mouth while Kim fumbled with an answer to her question. “I…I felt we had too many lamps in this room, so I put it away for now.” They both sighed in relief to have avoided that close call.

Makayla turned around and now inquired, “Adam, why do you have on the same jeans that you did when you dropped me off at school yesterday?” Adam was pretty sure his jaw was on the ground and now it was Kim's turn to start giggling as Adam tried to weasel his way out of this one.

He didn't have a right to miss Jay, not anymore. Not after everything that he has done. That didn't stop him from feeling a deep ache at the thought of possibly never seeing jay again. Heading to a war zone doesn't leave for the most predictable future, and neither did being a cop in Chicago, Mouse knew this, but he also knew he needed to go back and serve his country. It wasn't something he knew how to explain, especially to jay. He knew the trauma that came from their last tours, he couldn't understand why Mouse was willingly going back, but the trauma of working with intelligence wasn't exactly easy to deal with either.

Mouse absentmindedly tapped his fingers against his thigh as he struggled to keep himself still, wishing he could go back in time. Not that he was entirely sure what decisions he would make if given another chance, but he knew he had messed up. He knew he had no right to miss Jay any longer and that in itself was hell. However, he couldn't bring himself to force his eyes to stay open, not when Jay's image was the one he was greeted with when his eyes fell closed once more. It's not like it mattered much anyway, the memories flashed across the black space in front of him whether he had his eyes closed or not. Knowing that this flight was potentially the last hours of relative safety he would have for who knows how long, Mouse finally allowed himself to appreciate the image in his mind. A small smile creeps its way onto his face as he takes in the freckles scattered over Jay's skin, the way his pupils are blown and his lips parted slightly. It was a look mouse had only ever witnessed from afar until last night, just hours before he boarded his plane. It had always been others who had left anything close to that look on his face, and it hadn't been often mouse had seen it as Jay was never a huge fan of public displays of affection. It was only when they had come back from Afghanistan and were both going out and drinking too much as a way to cope that he'd ever caught a glimpse of jay like that. When he had been kissing random girls at the bar in an attempt to block out all the horrors they had witnessed. But last night took Mouse's breath away. Kissing Jay hadn't been his plan when he knocked on his door last night, to be fair he didn't exactly have a plan. He knew it was selfish, they had already had their goodbye at Molly's with the rest of the team, but Mouse had wanted more. He had always wanted more of Jay, and so he found himself knocking on the familiar door, a pit in his stomach as Jay pulled open the door, his hair unkempt in a way mouse hadn't seen in a long time.

"Mouse..." Jay's voice saying his name sounded like he was speaking a prayer, "what are you doing here? I thought you'd already be at the airport."

"I was on my way" mouse spoke softly, he couldn't bring himself to talk any louder. The silence was surrounding them as they stood in Jay's doorway.

"Did you need a lift to the airport?" jay questioned even though mouse had been adamant in saying no to the offer every time jay had made it. He couldn't deal with the emotional airport goodbye, he could barely deal with the goodbye as it was but doing it in the airport seemed like it would add an extra layer of pain Mouse knew he wouldn't be able to handle.

"No, no I just... " he paused unsure what to actually say. There was so much he has wanted to say over the years, ever since they first met in training all those years ago, but now was definitely not the time to say any of that and he knew it. "I just, I wanted to see you one more time before I go."

"Mouse... " Jay's voice broke as he allowed himself to fully take in the scene in front of him. Mouse in his fatigue wasn't a sight he had witnessed in a long time. It was one he didn't want to have to witness again, but now that he has he knows he will be counting the days until he gets to witness it again as Mouse walks off the plane instead of as he's walking off towards it.

"I know, I know you don't get why I'm going back, but I need to do this" mouse couldn't bring himself to look up at Jay's face, knowing it'd be that much harder to walk away if he saw the pained expression that he figured was present alongside the pained tone of voice.

"Look you know I wish you weren't going, but I know that there is nothing I could do to talk you out of it at this point, so please, just come back home safe okay?" Mouse could hear the lump in Jay's throat, the tightness in his words and he couldn't help but glance up to meet his best friend's eyes. He felt his own throat close up at the sight of unshed tears lingering at the waterline of Jay's eyes.

"I'll do my best" mouse promised him "as long as you keep coming home from your shifts safe too"

"I'll do my best" jay copied Mouse's words, a tiny smile on his face.

A silence settled between the pair, neither knowing what to say, neither of them wanting this moment to end, knowing it will mean potentially years of separation.

Mouse felt himself step towards jay, closing the gap between them, any words he could think to say completely catching in his throat. He couldn't bring himself to say goodbye, everything that was crossing his mind seemed too final. That wasn't something he wanted to put out there, he never wanted this interaction to be anything final. He never wanted a final moment with jay, he wanted eternity. One more step and mouse lets himself admire the freckles on Jay's skin, and his eyes which were looking at him intently, if not curiously. Mouse was never one to initiate any sort of physical intimacy but he couldn't seem to stop the pull guiding his hand to Jay's jaw, his fingers curling around to the back of his neck. Mouse finds himself leaning in, and before either one of them really manages to process what is actually happening their lips meet. It was quick, only a couple of seconds, not long enough for jay to respond. Mouse pulls away as he feels the tightness pull around his heart. As he is stumbling over his own feet as he steps backwards mouse notices the way Jay's pupils are dilated and the way his lips parted slightly.

Mouse continues to step backwards till his back hits the hallway wall opposite Jay's doorway, flinching when he does so not realising it was so close. Jay continues to stare at Mouse, seemingly unable to process anything about what just happened.

The words "God, I'm so sorry, Jay.. so sorry" tumbled out of Mouse as he turned and hurried away from Jay and of the warmth that came with him, "I'm so sorry." Mouse's chest felt heavy as he forced himself along the hallway outsides Jay's apartment. He had to get out, he had to find air that was breathable, and he had to get away from the mistake that was going to cost him his best friend.

Pushing open the front door of the apartment building mouse stumbled out into the street, the cold air wiping out any of the residual heat he felt in the parts of him that had touched Jay moments ago. He glanced down around the Street, taking a moment to look at the joined hands of the couple walking by him before his eyes landed on the taxi that had driven him here. He kept his eyes focused on the taxi as he hurried towards it, unable to look back at the wreck he knew he had left behind. Mouse clumsily climbed into the back seat of the taxi pulling the door closed behind him and reaching for his seat belt absentmindedly

"O'Hare now kid?" The gruff taxi driver questioned glancing back at Mouse through the rearview mirror.

"Yeah" Mouse forced out, still not able to calm the tidal wave of emotions coursing through him but he forced himself not to turn back, one last look towards Jay's apartment was only going cause more pain.

.....................

Part two - Now I just miss you, all you did was kiss and fly

Title from Elvis song by Maisie Peters

With a case as complicated as this - not even just Jay being involved, but arson and CFD and a cartel - the paperwork was going to be awful. Voight came back to her position, still shaking slightly and she could see the worry on her Sarge’s face. She may have only worked with him for eighteen months closely, but she knew what he looked like when he thought he’d lost someone, when he had lost someone. It was the ghost of that expression on his face now.

“Go home, we can do the paperwork in the morning.” She shook her head at that. Home didn’t sound appealing at all. She didn’t want to sit and think over the what ifs of the day - what if she’d been in pursuit, what if Adam had been shot?

“I’ll get the paperwork started. I need to do something.” She was calm as she spoke, looking straight into Voight’s eyes as she said it.

“Ok. Don’t stay too late, understood?”

As she got into the car to drive back to the precinct she could feel herself relax. After cases like this, that’s when she and Adam would usually end up sleeping together. He’d texted, he and Hailey were going for drinks if she wanted to join them, but she turned it down. She couldn’t keep doing their constant on off sleeping together friends with benefits thing. Their engagement was over, and as much as she’d always have a little piece of her heart marked for Adam Ruzek, a small part of her that would always wonder how things would be if they had been married, she knew they couldn’t to this to each other and themselves. She needed to move on. Sylvie had mentioned some OKCupid dates, they’d meet up and have a wine night and Sylvie could help her get set up on it to avoid the creeps.

The time passed quicker than she expected, the paperwork getting filled out. Most of it would need a final signature from Hailey or Voight, but if she could get most of it done it’d save them time in the end. Hearing footsteps behind her shocked her as she jolted out of her seat, seeing Jay at the top of the stairs.

“I thought they’d keep you in, what are you even doing here?” Kim asked him, a similar look on Jay’s face as her own.

“Will and I went to my dad’s apartment to start looking around and clear it out. I didn’t wanna go home, I’ve crashed on the couch here before.” He went to move into the break room, but Kim stood.

“Have you eaten?”

“Huh? I had something earlier.” She shook her head at that.

“Look, my eyes are crossing looking at the screen and paperwork right now, I was about to leave and order takeout. We can get food? You’ll sleep better in an actual bed, and I don’t want to be alone yet. We can go to yours and eat pizza? Is that ok?” Kim watched him weigh up her questions, finally nodding, slumping slightly.

“Yeah. That actually sounds good. Could you give me a ride? I’m not cleared to drive for another day or two.”

Kim nodded, the two heading down the back stairs to avoid the night Sergeant. It didn’t take long for them to arrive at Jay’s, settling in on the couch with their food.

“I know everyone’s said it to you, so I won’t, but I get having a not great relationship with your parents. And I get not knowing if you actually had closure over it. If you want to talk, I’m here.”

They were quiet for a few moments, the comedy show on tv not making them laugh before Jay spoke up.

“He was actually proud of me, he never said it. Every time I ended up in the news he had a clipping. He kept it all, y’know? And now I feel bad.”

“He loved you, remember that part. My dad wasn’t great, he didn’t approve of me being a flight attendant, he definitely didn’t approve of me being a cop. I grew up in St Charles, y’know? Go to college, get married, pop out babies in that order. Preferably get married the summer after college. He and my mom split up after I moved out, and I don’t even know if I have the right address for him. I send him a Christmas card every year, but I don’t even know if I have the right address. I don’t know if he’s even alive. So I get it, believe me.” Kim kept her voice light, keeping the hurt she always felt about her dad out of it. Jay didn’t need that.

“Yeah. I always thought he never wanted me, never cared about me. I just wish he knew.”

“He did. They always say that hearing is the last sense to go. He knew you were there, Jay. I honestly believe that.”

They sat in silence until the show ended, Kim’s stomach full and realising she needed to leave. But Jay was home and they were all safe, and that was a win at the end of the day.

“I’m gonna go. I’ll see you when you’re back in work?” She asked, standing and Jay followed.

“Yeah. Thanks, Kim, I needed this.” He gave her a squeeze around the shoulders, Kim smiling as she left the apartment. They’d never really spent much time together, but Jay had always had her back and Kim would always appreciate him for that. This unit was more than just work to her, they were people who had her back, and she had theirs.

Staring at her screen as Kim got ready to leave she just wanted to be sick. Antonio had been released from hospital, she was getting her partner back. But watching Valerie standing there, holding onto her father, the waste of life that had occurred. She wouldn’t grieve for Pablo, but she did for their vic, for the businesses that’d been upended thanks to the racket. And the privileged girl with the rich daddy got away with everything, because that’s how their world worked.

She’d just picked up her badge, sliding her gun into her holster when her phone rang with Jay’s name on the screen.

“Hey. You ok?”

“Yeah, fine. I saw the press conference, I didn’t think you’d want to be alone. I’m heading out to a bar, want to meet for a drink?” She nodded, a small smile on her face.

“Yeah, sounds good. Are you allowed drink with your side? I saw the way you were walking today.”

“I’m off the painkillers, so yeah. After a case like this? It’s good to just get it out.”

She got the name of the bar from him, waving in to Voight and Platt as she went down the back stairs to get outside. The last thing she wanted to do was to actually talk to them about the day. This was easier.

When she arrived Jay had a beer waiting for her at the table, and she slid into the seat with an appreciative grin. “I’ll get the next one.”

They didn’t talk about the actual case until they were three drinks in, focusing on the Blackhawks game instead.

“You ok? I mean with everything today. I know you spent a lot of time with Valerie.” Jay took a sip of his beer after asking, Kim looking at him closely.

“Yeah? I think. I just…all those kids. That could have been a bloodbath today, and there’s nothing we could have done to stop it. I just focused on getting them out and getting them safe, and they got home ok. That’s the important bit. But she just walks away because her daddy’s rich.” Her voice was bitter and she knew it, but Kim couldn’t bring herself to care too much. These were the cases that got them all.

“You were really good with those kids. They were scared and you kept them safe, got them out of danger. Good job.” They clinked bottles and Kim took a long drink.

“I mean I figured by now I’d be a mom. Just another thing I haven’t done.” When she looked up from her bottle she saw Jay staring at her, and the words fell off her tongue. “When Adam and I were engaged, we had a plan. We were gonna be engaged for a year and then get married, and then we’d start trying for kids after we’d been married for six months. It just made me realise that if things had gone according to plan, I’d be a mom. I don’t regret it being over, but sometimes it’s the what if.” Jay nodded, his hand squeezing hers.

“I get it. Erin and I had the future plans talk. I was gonna propose to her the night she left Chicago. You think your life is going perfectly to plan, and then it’s just not. And you have to keep moving on. I still don’t know how you’re able to work with him.”

“That’s a conversation for another drink. Beer?” She went to the bar, getting fresh bottles and settling her mind. Once she returned Jay raised an eyebrow.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. It’s fine, honestly.” He smiled, but Kim felt settled about letting it all out.

“It’s fine. We’re completely over at this point. He was my person. He was the guy I was gonna marry, the guy whose kids I was gonna have. But I don’t regret ending the engagement, and we respect each other enough to know that the job comes first. We did the on off thing, but it wasn’t good for either of us. After Al died I had to make a decision. I prefer our friendship to anything else.”

They both took a long drink at that, the memories of past relationships haunting both of them. Instead they changed the topic of conversation to the case, to what they’d done.

“Brennan called me a detective, I guess I should appreciate the vote of confidence? She looked at me weird when I told her I was an officer,” Kim laughed at the memory, watching Jay smile.

“You do the work, eventually the three of you should do the exam. It’s not really fair if you don’t.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

Once they finished their drinks they decided to go home, a rare day off ahead of them both. The last thing either of them wanted was to spend the day off doing nothing with a hangover, so the tabs were paid and cabs were called. Jay’s arrived first, but he made Kim get into it, and she promised to text him when she got home safe. Even with her gun and badge they’d always worried about their team. When she got in the door of her apartment she pulled out her phone, pulling up their text thread that had started staying near the top of her messages.

Home safe, drinking water and going to bed. Thanks for tonight, I needed it.

More than welcome, Kim. We should keep doing this, it’s a good time.

Her day off was exactly what she needed, cleaning and doing the chores she hadn’t had time for during the week. Once she was done she got ready to meet Hailey for dinner. They’d started it after a tough case, and once a month or so the two would meet, get food and a few drinks, and relax together. Intelligence was a hard unit to be in, it was harder when you were a woman, an they were able to commiserate with each other.

Hailey had arrived first, grabbing a table at the Mexican place they usually met at, Kim’s strawberry margarita sitting waiting for her.

“I didn’t order yet, wasn’t sure what you’d be in the mood for.” Kim nodded, taking a sip of her drink.

“Yeah, corn carnitas sounds really good right about now. What about you?”

They ordered and drank, not really chatting as they did. Hailey’s phone kept buzzing, and the detective turned it over on the table.

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah. I’m sort of seeing someone now, but it’s new. I told him I was meeting a friend for dinner, he wants to know what time I’m finished at.” There was a small smile on Hailey’s face, and Kim was happy for her friend.

“Is he good to you? Do I know him?”

“He is. I don’t know if it’s going to be more than sleeping together, but he’s good, sex is good. We’ll see where things go from here.”

“I’m happy for you.” They finished eating, promising to do it again sooner and actually have a conversation instead of being stuck in their own heads.

The next two weeks went by in a continuous motion of cases and cases and work and more cases, Kim’s head getting spun around. The conversation with Brennan knocked her back, and having Kendra in the car at the shooting made it even worse.

After the IRT interview she felt sick, the realisation of what she’d done sinking in. She’d never been a kiss ass. She’d never been the person who did things just because it’d get her credit with someone. But this time she had, and she was stuck trying to make it right.

The dressing down from Voight made her barely able to hold back her anger and frustration, the tears she wanted to let fall. She deserved it, that she was well aware of. She deserved every moment of frustration and anger from him. But the part that stung the most was the disappointment from her Sergeant. She’d fucked up, she knew she fucked up, but having Voight say he’d bury her? She knew he would. And she knew she deserved it. Kim still wasn’t quite sure how she was even still in Intelligence, she thought he would have bumped her for it. And she wouldn’t have argued with him about it.

Sitting in the coffee shop with Trudy she relaxed, her phone buzzing with Jay’s name appearing, but Kim just darkened the screen, she’d check it later.

“I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed I did it, I’m ashamed I let the glitz and the glamour fool me. Ever since I moved up I’ve trusted Voight, I’ve followed his lead. This is the first time I didn’t, and it’s shown me how. I shouldn’t have done it, I shouldn’t have needed you and Voight to clean up my mess.”

“Did you learn your lesson?” Kim took a sip of her coffee, nodding at Trudy. “Then don’t dwell on it. Everyone has a time when they trust someone they shouldn’t have. Brennan was looking out for herself. Don’t let her behaviour ruin your future.”

“Thanks, Sarge. It’s the angriest I’ve ever seen him at me.”

“It’s Voight, he does that. It’ll be fine when you’re back in work. Do you need to get that?” Trudy asked as her phone lit up again for a third time.

“Let me check it.” Kim opened it up, checking the texts from Jay.

I heard about IRT if you want to talk

Or if you don’t and just want pizza. You did it for me I want to return the favour.

I’m gonna assume you’re fine, but call me if you want to talk about it.

She smiled at them, quickly firing back a text.

I’m good. Getting coffee with Platt. Thanks.

“Jay checking in on me. With everything going on we’ve been talking more.”

They finished their coffees and went home, Kim feeling a bit more relaxed. She would have kept the relaxation going, would have been stuck into work and just focused on what they were doing and their case. If it hadn’t ended up going downhill fast.

She was glad they were all celebrating Platt. The woman had been her inspiration since she’d joined the 21st, and Hailey had mentioned how important Platt was to her too. They’d expected the call to the motel to be easy, she hadn’t expected bullets to fly at her when she wasn’t even wearing a vest. It just seemed to get worse from there.

Sitting in the van listening to Hailey and Adam worried her. It seemed too easy, and the moment when the wire went dead made her heart stop. It was two of her good friends in there, and having no ears was terrifying. Going from a drug ring to Adam’s dad being involved made her head spin. But it was done and Bob was going to be ok and they got Spiro and his gang, and things felt a little bit easier for once. Not for long enough, but maybe for a while. Hailey had agreed to meet Adam at the hospital and let them know what was going on, and Kim decided to pack up. She’d had enough for the day. Enough for the week, if she was honest.

“You ok?” Jay asked as she stood, and she smiled over at him.

“Yeah. Tired and looking forward to a glass of wine. It’s been just a month of it, y’know? Want to go get a few drinks and apps?” He stood immediately, nodding.

“Definitely.”

It didn’t take long for them to make it to a brewery Jay knew about, ordering their food and a sampler of beers to split. It was quiet for a few minutes, but Kim could tell he wasn’t ok.

“Talk to me. What’s going on?” She watched him for a moment, gave him the space to collect his thoughts.

“It’s my dad’s Month’s Mind tomorrow. A month after a death there’s a Mass that’s for them, just as a memory of them. Will’s going, but we’re having an argument at the minute. I can’t really talk about the why, there’s a case ongoing, but it’s…there’s a lot happening. So he’s not exactly in a good place with me right now. I’m going, but it’ll be awkward.” He took a long drink, and Kim made a snap decision.

“Want me to come? I’m not Catholic, I’ve no idea what it even involves, but I can be moral support. At least that way you don’t need to talk to him if you don’t want to, and you can turn up.” Kim watched Jay’s face light up, and felt more sure in her decision.

“You sure? I don’t want you to have to, but I’d really appreciate it.”

“I’m sure. Tell me when and where I have to turn up. Do I need a dress code?”

“Nah, jeans and a sweater. Just not like a crop top or anything, but you get it.” She nodded, grabbing a mozzarella stick.

“Sounds good.”

The next evening she was standing outside St. Mary’s church, waiting for Jay to arrive. She wasn’t waiting long, and they walked inside side by side and slid into a pew. She saw Will and Natalie walk in just behind them, sitting a few rows up from them. The service passed quickly, Kim copying Jay every time he stood or knelt. They sat still in the pew when Communion happened, and once it was over they walked out together. Will didn’t even call them, but she knew she’d probably get asked why she’d come next time she was in Med. Jay was her friend, that was the important part. He’d been good to her when she needed it, and she was more than willing to return the favour.

Chapter 2>>

“Jay, I - “

He shakes his head at her and tries to give a small smile, trying to play it off as though her omissions of truth for the duration of their partnership haven’t completely gutted him. He has so many questions going through his head, but he keeps coming back to the same one.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

All Hailey can do is shrug as she lifts a hand to her face to wipe at a traitorous tear that slips out of one eye.

“I wanted to. I tried. Then a couple weeks turned into a month. Then three months. And then it just got away from me and I didn’t know how to tell you. It’s not exactly a piece of information I can share during a night of surveillance or a drug house raid.”

“But any other time Hailey? Six months. Six months of us working together, being partners, being friends. I mean, God, what if something happened to you? What if you got hurt? What then?”

“I have emergency contacts and a will. She’d be taken care of,” Hailey tells him.

It sounds so simple the way she says it, as if they’re just talking about the weather or the score of a hockey game.

“That’s the only thing you got out of what I just said to you?” He scoffs as he runs his free hand over the back of his head.

“All I can think to say right now is I’m sorry, but I know that’s not enough. Me having a kid changes things and if it bothers you I’ll talk to Voight, okay? I’ll ask for a different - “

“Hailey, come on. I know you know me better than that. I don’t care that you have a kid. What bothers me is the fact that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me.”

“I do trust you! I wanted to tell you, I just - I really didn’t know how. I don’t like talking about my past, okay? And she’s a big part of that and I knew you’d ask questions that I wasn’t ready to answer. Questions that I still don’t think I’m ready to answer, but I know that I have to.”

She wipes away at the tears that have since fallen and roll down her cheeks. She takes a deep breath, trying to calm her fast beating heart. This wasn’t how she planned to spend her evening. She hadn’t been anticipating this conversation happening the way it was and she can’t help feeling as though it’s getting away from her just like everything else has lately.  

“I know I should have told you sooner. I know I hurt you and I’m sorry, Jay,” she tells him, her voice cracking with each word as they fall past her lips.

He shakes his head at her again, making her go quiet and he blows out a deep sigh as he tilts his head off to the side towards his truck parked on the street.

“I should go,” he says.

He takes a step back, ready to turn away from her, but she follows after him onto her front steps and calls out his name, making him freeze in place.  

“Please just come inside and we can talk. I’ll try to explain. I - “

“Mama!”

Hailey turns around at the sound of Avery’s voice and a second later the little girl appears in the doorway behind her mother. She’s got a big smile on her face and completely unaware of the tension building around her.

“Are you gonna eat with us?” Her girl asks, but she’s quick as a whip just like her mother and her smile fades as she eyes Hailey suspiciously. “Why you cryin’ mama?”

Hailey swipes her hands under her eyes one more time and moves back to the door. She puts a smile on her face as best she can before kneeling down in front of her daughter.

“I’m fine baby. I’ll be in soon okay? Go eat with auntie,” Hailey tells her as she smiles through half-blurry eyes.

Avery gives her mother a look, scrunching her little eyebrows together, silently calling her mother out on the lie she tells her. She stares at Hailey for a moment until she notices Jay standing a few feet away with his eyes on them and she looks at him curiously. “Who are you?”

Jay glances between the little girl and Hailey, still reeling from the bomb that’s been dropped at his feet, and swallows almost nervously. He’s not sure if he should say something or just leave. Of all the things that had gone through his mind throughout the day as he worried over his partner, her having a kid he didn’t know about hadn’t even blipped the radar of possible scenarios.

He still doesn’t move, doesn’t say a word, and both his partner and her daughter stare back at him, waiting. He realizes he has a choice to make. That he could go home, take himself away from this uncomfortable situation, and drink the rest of his night away, but he’s pretty certain that doing that would also cost him his partnership and friendship with Hailey. And despite the confusion and the hurt he feels, he knows it’s not a choice he’s willing to make.

He walks forward until he’s just a couple steps away from them now. He forces a smile and gives a short wave of his hand, not wanting to scare the little girl in front of him.

“I’m Jay. What’s your name?”

Avery looks back at her mother, unsure and silently asking for permission.

“It’s okay. He’s a friend,” Hailey says as her eyes dart between her daughter and her partner, and Avery looks back at Jay.

“My name is Avery Charlotte Upton,” the little girl says with a shy smile as she leans in closer towards her mother.

“It’s very nice to meet you Avery Charlotte Upton. How old are you?” Jay asks as he grins back at her.

He thinks he should feel more frustrated than he does, should maybe be angry. He’s not entirely sure if he even has a right to feel the way he does at all, but the longer the little girl stares back at him, smiling with bright blue eyes that look so much like his partner’s, all of it somehow just floats away. As if the last ten minutes haven’t happened, as if he’s known about this little girl’s existence the whole time he’s known her mother.

“I’m three!” Avery tells him with another big smile as she holds up three little fingers. “Are you a police officer too?”

“Yeah, I work with your mom.”

“You get the bad guys with my mama?”

“I do.”

“Are you gonna have pizza with us?” Avery asks.

“I don’t think so,” Jay says as he shoots a glance at his partner. “I just came to talk to your mom.”

“Oh. You can have pizza if you want. Right mama? We can share,” Avery says looking back at Hailey.

Hailey can’t help the full smile that creeps onto her face as she looks back at her daughter and reaches out a hand to brush some of the little girl’s blonde hair out of her face. She’s so sweet and innocent and so smart for her age, but she has no idea of the situation that surrounds her. Hailey peeks over at Jay, catching him looking like a deer caught in headlights, as if he’s still not sure whether to stay where he stands or bolt. She knows there’s a conversation that needs to be had between them, one that she can’t put off any longer than she already has despite the trepidation she stills feels regarding her past.

“Yeah, we can share baby,” Hailey tells the little girl before she turns her head to look back at Jay. “Ya want a slice?”

He raises an eyebrow at her, clearly not expecting an invitation to stay after he was ready to walk away just moments ago, but he’s still hesitant and Hailey can tell.

“You sure?” Jay asks.

She knows what he’s really asking and she stands to her feet. “I owe you an explanation.”

“You don’t owe me anything Hailey,” he tells her.

“Yes, I do,” Hailey tells him as she leans down and lifts Avery into her arms. She settles the little girl on her hip and turns to look at her partner, giving a tilt of her head towards the inside of her house. “Come on.”

She’s expecting him to leave, but he surprises her when he takes the last few steps towards her and Avery, closing the distance until he’s right in front of them.

Hailey lets out a sigh of relief and leads him inside, Avery in her arms and distracted by a necklace hanging around her mother’s neck. Jay closes the door behind them and as he follows Hailey past the entryway and into the kitchen, he realizes this is the first time he’s ever been inside his partner’s house. He takes in the modern details as he sets the six pack in his hand down on the counter. Notices how clean the place is despite the fact that a young child lives there and he finds himself smiling when he spots several sheets of artwork hanging on the refrigerator that have no doubt been made by the little girl in his partner’s arms.

“Who’s this?”

Jay turns at the sound of a voice he doesn’t recognize and his eyes land on a brunette woman walking into the kitchen from the living room in back. The woman stands next to Hailey, giving him a once over, and he glances at his partner who sets Avery down on her feet.

“Vanessa, this is Jay, my partner in Intelligence. Jay, this is Vanessa,” Hailey says as she looks between the two, her eyes lingering on Vanessa for a moment.

The brunette’s eyes widen, a look of realization crossing her face as she looks between Hailey and Jay, and then she steps towards him with a smile as she extends a hand to him.

“It’s nice to finally meet you Jay. I’ve heard stories.”

“Nice to meet you too,” he smiles back kindly and shakes her hand, and then watches as she makes her way back to Hailey and Avery. “Good stories I hope.”

“Yeah,” Vanessa tells him, still beaming as if she knows a secret that he doesn’t, and then she gives a short nod down at Avery. “I’m the roommate and awesome auntie to this little one.”

“She’s also incredibly conceited and the annoying little sister I never wanted,” Hailey teases.

Vanessa scoffs at the blonde and sticks her tongue out at her, and Jay just smiles on as he watches their interaction.

“Case in point,” Hailey says as she gestures to her friend’s antics.

Vanessa just shrugs and looks back down at Avery, placing a hand on top of the little girl’s head. “Come on Ave. Let’s go finish our pizza and we’ll start a movie. What do ya wanna watch tonight?”

“What about mama?” Avery asks looking up at her mother and grabbing onto one of her hands.

Hailey squeezes her daughters hand and nods to the other woman. “You go with Vanessa and finish your dinner. I have to talk to my friend for a bit. I’ll come and watch with you after, okay?”

Avery shakes her head at Hailey. “You said pizza and movie night.”

“And we’re still doing it. You’re just starting without me for a little bit.”

“You promise?”

“I promise,” Hailey tells her, squeezing her hand again. “Go with auntie. I’ll be in soon.”

“Okay,” Avery sighs. She lets go of Hailey’s hand and takes Vanessa’s outstretched one, and the two disappear into the living room.

Hailey turns back to face her partner, but he’s standing off to the side of the kitchen now and looking at the frames of photos that hang on the wall. She walks over to him and smiles immediately when he sees what photo has his attention.

“It was her second birthday,” Hailey says as she stands beside him with her arms crossed in front of her chest. “She stuck her hands in the cake while we were singing, smeared it all over her face and then my face, and just shrieked over it. We were in such a laughing fit. Vanessa snapped the photo of us.”

“Looks like it was a fun day,” Jay says, his tone matching her quiet one as he turns his head to look at her, but her eyes don’t meet his.

“It was a great day. Every day is with her though. That kid’s laugh is my favorite sound in the whole world. It’s an instant mood lift. No matter what kinda day I’ve had.”

“Sounds like someone else I know,” Jay says and it makes her finally look over at him. He’s got a soft smile on his face and his eyes are kind, not a speck of anger held in them, but he can tell his words catch her off guard. “I just mean our jobs aren’t easy, ya know? But somehow with you as my partner, the bad days are a lot easier to deal with.”

She gives a short nod of her head at his explanation and then gestures her hand towards the kitchen. “Did you wanna grab a slice? A beer or something?”

“Nah, I’m good. Not very hungry,” he tells her.

“I know the feeling,” Hailey says.

She tilts her chin towards a hallway behind him and he follows after her as she leads him down the hall to an office. She closes the door behind them and they take a seat on a small couch pushed up against a wall.

She hasn’t looked at him directly since they entered the room, almost seemingly unable to, but he doesn’t take his eyes off of her. He watches as she takes a deep breath, her hands shaking in her lap, but he doesn’t speak. He knows this has to go at her own pace, so he waits.

Seconds that go by turn into several minutes, and then she’s taking another deep breath before she finally finds her voice.

“I’m not exactly sure how to start this conversation. I must have thought about it a thousand times and I still don’t know,” she says to him and he’s certain it’s the quietest he’s ever heard her speak. So quiet that if he wasn’t sitting as close to her as he is, he might have thought she hadn’t spoken at all.

He can’t imagine how difficult this must be for her, he doesn’t pretend to, and as confused and caught off guard as he was standing on her doorstep, all there is now is a need to understand. But he also knows he threw a curveball at her by showing up at her house announced and it’s put her in a tailspin. As much as he wants his questions answered, he doesn’t want to make her feel backed into a corner any further than he’s already made her feel and he needs her to know this.

“Hailey, we really don’t have to do this tonight,” he tells her, his voice as soft as he can make it so as to not make her uncomfortable or feel worse than she already so obviously feels.

Hailey turns her head, eyes landing on his within a second, and he quickly notices the way hers glisten again with fresh tears and with what he thinks looks to be confusion of her own.

“Why aren’t you angry? You should be mad at me. You should hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, Hailey. I could never hate you. I’ll admit, I was pretty confused outside. I’m still confused, but not angry. When I saw her, it was like a rug had been pulled out from under me and knocked me on my ass, but I don’t care that you have a kid. I’m just hurt that you felt like you couldn’t tell me, even when you thought too much time had passed.”

She looks at him for a moment, seeing nothing but sincerity in his eyes as he stares back at her, and all the worry and stress she’s felt over the last few months somehow begin to just slip away.

“Every time I thought about telling you, I just panicked. We work really well together and you’re one of the best partners I’ve ever had. I didn’t wanna lose that so I just kept putting it off. I wasn’t lying when I said I haven’t been sleeping well. The last few days, weeks even. I haven’t been sleeping at all really. I keep having these flashes, these nightmares. Things I really wish I could forget.”

He gives a slow nod and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He’s not sure if she’ll say anything more when she drops her gaze to the floor, but he keeps his eyes on her and waits, and then he remembers.

Remembers how she nearly jumped out of her skin when he startled her, shrugged off his hands when he touched her. The way her own hands trembled, her whole body nearly shaking. He’d recognized the behavior easily enough as a form of post-traumatic stress, but he hadn’t wanted to push her despite how concerned he had been for her. How concerned he still is. Especially now when her hands are shaking again and she’s trying so hard to control her breathing.

“The truck...and the break room today,” he says softly, a linger tone of question laced through his words.

Hailey glances over at him and his assumption is further confirmed by the look in her eyes. She runs a hand through her hair as she breathes in, blows it out, and her eyes fall back down to the floor.

“I was undercover with my partner. His name was Garrett, but we weren’t just partners. We were together.”

Her face contorts in an almost painful way as if the words she speaks are shards of glass slicing at her throat as they tumble out through her quivering lips.

“When you say was?”

“Yeah,” she whispers, wiping under her eyes as the tears she’s been holding back finally slip down her cheeks. “The undercover gig went sideways and I got hurt. Really hurt. I was in the hospital for a while and when I was there, he went missing. He was presumed dead, but we never found his body. We were pretty sure it was a revenge thing. We just couldn’t prove it.”

He knows there’s more to come and he watches her as she swallows back, trying to keep the fresh batch of tears that pool in her eyes from escaping and she continues.

“Eight weeks later, I’m back at the hospital getting my evals done to go back to work. Nurse comes in, tells me I’m pregnant. I kinda lost it after that. My Sergeant put me on leave for another month, told me to get my head right. I went to therapy for a while, but I stopped going when Avery was about a year old. I just didn’t have it in me anymore, ya know,” she pauses, glancing up at him for a brief moment. He gives a slow nod, letting her know he’s still there, still with her. “Garrett was gone and I knew we’d never find him. One of those ‘is what it is’ kinda things I guess. My head still isn’t quite right, but I just kinda learned to live with the ghosts.”

As she speaks it takes everything inside him not to reach out for her. It’s a sudden urge, a need that he can’t quite explain, and all he wants is to wrap an arm around her and hold her against him. He’s never seen this part of his partner before. This complete rawness, this vulnerability that she’s trusting him with despite how it takes so much out of her.

He stares at her. It’s all he can do. His eyes burning into hers and the sight of her face as she looks back at him makes his chest ache. Eyes red and swollen from all the tears she’s cried since he showed up on her doorstep, and then follows the moment where he hates himself.

He’s the reason she’s crying, divulging to him some of her deepest and darkest secrets, and he can’t take it anymore as he runs a hand through his hair and blows out a long winded breath.

“Jesus Hailey,” he breathes out as he leans back against the couch cushions.

“Not what you were expecting huh? Maybe a one night stand or a douchebag ex that just took off after knocking me up,” she says trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn’t work. His heart is broken for her.

“Did you have anyone? Family? Friends?” Jay asks, ignoring her attempt to make a joke at her own expense.

Hailey gives a slight shrug of her shoulders and leans back against the couch, running a hand through her hair again and trying to ignore the pounding that starts ricocheting inside her skull.

“Vanessa is the only friend I had through all of it,” she tells him and then she lets out an almost maniacal chuckle. “God, if it weren’t for her, I don’t even know how my life would be right now.”

“No family?” He asks carefully, it not being lost on him how she evades that part of his question.

She shakes her head. “Not really. The only real family I have are my two brothers, they live out of state, and I barely talk to my parents. I don’t have the best relationship with ‘em. They all know about Avery though, they’ve met her, but they don’t know the details like you and Vanessa do.”

“I’m really glad you weren’t alone,” he tells her.

“Me too,” she whispers.

He pulls himself forward on the couch and turns his body so he’s facing her completely and she looks at him, almost expectantly.

“Hailey, I - “

“You don’t have to say anything Jay. I know it’s a lot.”

He shakes his head at her. “I just wanted to thank you for telling me. For trusting me with it.”

Jay keeps his eyes on hers and when she doesn’t break their gaze he says, “Ya know, earlier when you said you owed me an explanation? You didn’t owe me any of what you just told me. I can see what it’s done to you and I need you to know that it doesn’t change anything for me. You’re still my partner.”

Hailey was certain she couldn’t cry any more tears than she already has tonight in front of him, but as soon as he says those words to her there’s a familiar sting in the corners of her eyes again. She looks over at the man sitting beside her through slightly blurred vision and does her best to offer him a small smile.

“Thanks for listening. For staying,” Hailey tells him.

The urge to reach for her takes over again and before Jay can think twice he stretches out his arm towards her. He lifts his hand, moving slowly so he doesn’t spook her, shifting his eyes between her face and her shoulder. When she nods her head at his silent question he places his hand on her shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze.

“We’re good Hailey. We’re always gonna be good.”

Her bottom lip quivers and he can’t be sure if the way she breathes out a sigh of relief is because of his touch or his words, but he squeezes his hand once more before he pulls it away from her and sets it back down in his lap.

A veil of silence soon settles over them as they sit on the couch together and the heaviness of their conversation slowly starts to thin out. Her tears dry, leaving splotches on her skin, and her fast beating heart has slowed, allowing her to breathe a little easier. Her eyes are going to be swollen in the morning and she’s definitely going to wake with a headache, but she somehow feels lighter after finally opening up to him and telling him the truth.

They continue to sit side by side for a little while longer, enjoying the comfortable silence they’ve somehow fallen into, until Hailey lifts a hand and gestures to the closed door of the office.

“I should probably get out there. I promised her a movie night,” Hailey tells him, using both of her hands to give a final swipe under her eyes.

Jay gives her a quick nod and the two of them stand from the couch. He follows out behind her and they head towards the living room.

They find Vanessa sitting at one end of a couch, dim light illuminating the room from a nearby lamp, and as he and Hailey get closer he spots the mini version of his partner cuddled into the side of the young brunette. She’s got a stuffed teddy bear under an arm and her blue eyes are completely transfixed by the animated movie playing on the television.

Jay watches as Hailey walks behind the couch and leans over the back of it, down towards the little girl.

“Ave?” Hailey whispers.

Avery turns her head up and her whole face lights up when her eyes land on Hailey, who is beaming at her daughter and it causes Jay to smile at the sight in front of him.

“I’m gonna say goodnight to my friend and then I’ll be right back, okay? Just another couple minutes,” Hailey tells her.

“Okay mama,” Avery says before her eyes land on Jay standing back behind Hailey.

There’s no hesitation this time when he smiles and waves a hand at her again before he says, “Bye Avery.”

“Bye,” she says to him with a quiet little voice and a toothy grin before turning her attention back to the movie.

He catches Vanessa tilting her head at him with a look in her eyes he once again can’t read, but he smiles at her regardless, offers her a goodbye wave as well, and then Hailey is leading him back through the kitchen. She stops at the island, points down to the forgotten six pack he had left on the counter earlier, and then looks up at him.

Jay waves her off and throws a smirk at her. “You keep it. My parting gift for ruining what should have been a fun night for you.”

“You didn’t ruin it,” she tells him, reaching for the pack and putting it in the fridge. “But I’ll never turn down free beer.”

Jay shakes his head as he follows her to the front door and they stand in the entryway for a few beats until Hailey tilts her head and stares at him with a raised eyebrow.

“What?”

“I have a question,” he says.

“I know. Shoot.”

“Does Voight know?”

“Yeah, Platt too,” she tells him, not missing a beat. “They’re the only ones that know, well, besides you now. It’s why I don’t usually get called in on Sundays. So I can have at least one full day with her with no interruptions.”

“It’s all making so much sense now,” he says with a smirk. “How often our D.O. falls on Sunday, all those times I asked where you were when it didn’t. Little scary how good Voight is at lying.”

A small smile appears on her face, but it’s quickly gone a second later, an almost dreadful look coming over her.

“Um, look, I don’t want you thinking I don’t trust you because that’s not the case at all, but - “

“I’m not gonna say anything Hailey. Your secrets are safe with me.”

It should probably scare her just how well he knows her. How easy it is for him to know exactly what she needs without having to even say it or ask for it, but somehow it doesn’t.

She gives a slow nod and then lets out a breath of relief. “Thank you.”

He nods back and steps away from her, opening the door, and he steps out onto the front steps.

“I’ll see ya tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” she says. “Thank you, again, for - well, for being you. I’m still not sure I deserve it, but – “

“Hailey, I meant it in the parking lot earlier and I still mean it now. If you need anything, I’m here for you,” he tells her and then he nods behind her. “For both of you. Okay?”

She’s still not sure she deserves his kindness. Especially when she was so certain he would hate her, but he looks at her with those same sincere eyes, no anger or lies to be found in them, and it makes her eyes burn again with more tears.

“Okay,” she whispers.

“Goodnight, for real this time. I promise I won’t show back up unannounced later,” he attempts to joke, hoping it’ll get her to smile again, and when she does he grins back at her.

“Goodnight,” she tells him.

With one more nod of his head he turns around and walks to his truck, and when he hops up into the cab Hailey closes the door, locking it up for the night.

She turns around, dropping her head back against the door, and blows out a long breath of relief. Relief for finally telling him, despite it being unplanned, but she told him. It hadn’t been easy or pretty, but she told him and he didn’t hate her, and they would still be partners.

She doesn’t know how tomorrow will go, how she’ll tell the rest of the team or when, but she still has him, and somehow it’s enough for now. The thought of those unknowns don’t cause her panic or fear like she once believed they would, like they used to.

“You know what, never mind. Never mind. I— We need to go. We need to get to the hospital. See how Kim’s doing.”

Jay saw the sudden change and tried to reason with Hailey. He quickly found his words. “Wait, wait, wait. Hails. Is everything okay?” He asked while putting his hands on Hailey’s arms, stopping her from turning towards the door. He gently rubbed them, trying to soothe Hailey. However, it was to no avail; Hailey gently pushed herself away.

“No. No, we need to go. We need to see Kim. I need to see her. Let me go change and then we’ll leave, okay?” Hailey reassured Jay, nodding her head. Before Jay could respond, Hailey kissed Jay on the cheek and briskly walked to the room. She felt like she was suffocating in her clothes. She had worn them for almost two straight days, and she had been to hell and back in them. She needed to get out of them.

“Okay—“ Jay half yelled, wanting to make sure she heard him. He updated Will on his whereabouts and he let the rest of the team know he and Hailey were on their way to the hospital. Kevin replied that Kim was still in surgery. The doctor hasn’t given any updates but hopefully will soon. After about five minutes, Hailey walked out in a new pair of jeans and a different top. She quietly grabbed three granola bars, one for her to eat on the way and the others probably for Kevin and Trudy. Jay loved how thoughtful she was. She had her keys, purse, and jacket in hand and was heading for the door.

“Ready?”

“Yep.” Jay got up from the couch and followed Hailey out the door, turning off the lights on the way out.

The walk to the car and the drive to Med was really quiet. There was definitely tension in the vehicle; there wasn’t the comfortable silence that Jay and Hailey were used to. Hailey was focused on the road while Jay was focused on Hailey. She never looked back at Jay though, her eyes only on the road.

“Do you want to talk about what just happened—“ Jay started but Hailey quickly interrupted him.

“No.”

Jay took a breath and mumbled “okay.”

For the rest of the ride, you could’ve heard a pin drop in the car. No one talked and no one made any extra movement. Once Hailey found a parking spot in the parking garage, she turned the car off and took a long, hard breath, trying to gather her words. Jay was opening the door when Hailey grabbed his hand, stopping him.

“Look, Jay. I... Look I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to be short with you.”

It’s okay,” Jay replied, trying to reassure her.

“No, it's more than that. I didn’t mean what I said earlier. At the apartment. I mean I love you, I do. I love you. And I think you’re decent. But not the other stuff. I just... It was just today. We almost lost our team member. We almost lost our friend, Jay. I don’t know what I would’ve done if we lost Kim. And I can’t think about it. If we did lose her. Because I don’t know if I could’ve forgiven myself. I don’t know if I could live with myself, thinking I could’ve done more. And at the apartment, I just saw someone that helped save my friend and I don’t want to lose you either, ever. And the emotions and no sleep and everything just got to me and I.. I. I don’t know. I don’t know. But.. Just don’t think about that question I asked earlier. Okay, Jay? Okay? It’s all good, I promise.”

Jay could clearly see Hailey was rambling. She was tired, no, she was exhausted, and she was backtracking. He was scared. He was scared that Hailey would retreat back to before, turned off from love. He hoped this experience didn’t make Hailey go back to being afraid of love. Of loving Jay. Because he loved Hailey. He loved everything about Hailey, from her seriousness when working a case to her humming along to the music she was playing in her earphones while pouring her coffee in the mornings. But there was also something else. Something that Jay couldn’t explain. Hailey was different, and not different because of what she explained. No, this was more than fear, more than desperation. This was a plea, almost a cry for help. And Jay didn’t know why. But he knew that something changed in her. Something happened when Voight split them up. And Jay knew he had to get to the bottom of it. Not for his sake, but for Hailey’s.

As much as Jay wanted to tell her he enjoyed the proposal, he knew she didn’t mean it. At least, he knew she didn’t want it for pure love. This wasn’t genuine. The love was, but the proposal wasn’t. This was a reaction to something. And as much as Jay would love to be engaged to Hailey Upton, he knew she wasn’t ready for it. And he knew she would regret it if the proposal went down like this. But he knew that he loved Hailey with all of his heart, and he was going to show that. As much as he wanted to say "yes," he was afraid of saying anything would just break her. So he went along with Hailey at the moment, and he decided he was going to try again later.

Jay put his free hand to Hailey’s cheek, wiping a stray tear. “Hailey, I love you. I love you so much. And that’s not going to change. Ever. I will do whatever you want to do and are comfortable doing. Now, let’s go check on Kim. Does that sound good?”

Hailey relaxed into Jay’s hand and closed her eyes. This was the first time she had relaxed in hours. After a pause, she nodded and left Jay’s hold. She opened the car door, and they walked towards the hospital entrance to hear the fate of their friend’s life. They walked into the unknown.

.

Med was covered in blues. Police of all ranks and districts filled the waiting room. It was so packed, Kim would be embarrassed. She wouldn’t want to be the center of attention. But she needed the love. She needed the support, and when one of their own has fallen, everyone’s going to be there to help pick them back up.

Hailey and Jay quickly spotted Kevin and Trudy in their blackout gear. Kevin had his bloody vest lying on the floor next to him. His bloody vest that was Kim’s blood from where he held her so tight, trying to stop any bleeding if it would do any good. Trudy was sitting in a chair and Kevin was standing next to her, his hand on her shoulder and his phone to his ear. He wasn’t talking, but his phone was still to his ear.

Trudy wasn’t speaking either. She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t find any reason to have small talk. Or deep talk. She just couldn’t find anything to say. All she could do was just think, and run her mind to the ground worrying about Kim.

Kim held a very special place in Trudy’s heart. She was different from any other officer that Trudy has had. Kim has this pluckiness to her. She had a different attitude when it came to policing. And as much as Trudy berated her in front of the 21st, as much as Trudy picked on Kim and made her work overtime and made her run the extra mile, she loved Kim. She loved that green rookie with big brown eyes that walked in on the first day with a smile and a donut. She loved the woman who stayed in the district despite her failed relationship. She loved the woman who kept fighting when she kept getting knocked down. Kim had to have the biggest heart Trudy had ever known a police officer to have. Whether that be because of all of the hardship she has dealt with in the police academy or the lack thereof while growing up Trudy didn’t know. And to be quite frank, she didn’t care. All she knew was that she wanted to protect that big heart of Kim’s. She had to because Kim was the reason why a city like Chicago has hope. Kim brought light to a city of darkness. She brought ambition to a city of despair. No matter what the case was, Kim put all of her knowledge and energy into that case. She not only did that, but she cared for the people in the case. Hell, she even cared for some of the suspects, damn it. That’s how big Kim’s heart was. That's how big Kim's heart is. And now, that big, gullible, genuine heart has to fight for its life. It had to put itself in a position to be saved and it has to endure hours upon hours of surgery. So no, Trudy could not find any words to say.

Hailey and Jay walked up to Kevin and Trudy and gave solemn grins. Trudy found the strength to stand up and hug both Hailey and Jay. She held onto Jay a little longer, whispering ever so quietly “Thank you.” Jay patted Trudy’s back as a welcome, trying not to cry from the images of Kim handcuffed in that Buick resurfacing. After what seemed like a century, Trudy let go and sat back down. Hailey hugged Kevin and she and Jay stood with them.

Hailey then dug into her bag and pulled out a portable phone charger and handed it to Kevin.

“I thought you might need this.”

“Thanks, Hailey. Ruz would appreciate it.” Kev kindly took the charger and plugged it into his phone. He was glad because his phone was surely dying but he wanted to give Adam all of the updates as that were coming in.

“How’s Makayla?” Jay asked, crossing his arms.

“Uh, she’s good. She’s good. Adam told her that Kim had to work late, so she’s good. She remembered Adam and wasn’t scared. She fell asleep on the couch but Adam moved her to her bedroom.” Kevin tried to find any facts to answer Jay's question. He replied before listening to Adam say something over the phone.

“Yeah, Hailey and Jay are here... No, no updates yet... Yeah, man... The docs said the surgery would be pretty long.” Kevin answered over the phone.

“I spoke to the Commander. Intelligence isn’t getting any new cases until Kim pulls through.” Trudy stated, looking up at Jay and Hailey who nodded. They both thought it was rather respectful of the commander.

Trudy turned her attention towards Hailey, asking, “Did you or Hank find anything about Roy?”

With that question, Kevin looked at Hailey too. He chimed in, “Yeah did you catch any leads? Do you know where Voight is? Trudy has tried calling, but it goes straight to voicemail.”

All eyes were on Hailey, who quickly became flustered and at a loss for words. Does she tell the truth? Hell no. Not right now at least. Not until she gets to the bottom of what Voight did with the body. What does she tell them? She hung her mouth open, not knowing what to say. Jay noticed Hailey’s nerves and tried to calm her by putting a hand on her shoulder and giving it a squeeze. This made Hailey refocus, and she mustered up an answer.

“I, uh. No. No. And I don’t know where Voight is.” Hailey could barely get her Sergeant’s name out of her mouth. She tried her best to sound casual and honest, and it must’ve worked. Either that or everyone was so exhausted and stressed that they didn’t press any further.

Will Halstead pushed his way through the waiting room and joined the team.

“Hey, no word yet. I just talked to one of the nurses. Just said they’re still in surgery.” Will said. He tried to press for news. Anything, but he was shot down. Hopefully, this was just because they were in a rush and not because they had bad news, which is what Will does but didn't want to believe was the situation now. When Jay told him of Kim's injuries, Will, as a doctor, was shocked she even had a pulse. Her injuries were severe and traumatic, and she spent almost 24 hours bleeding. But Will dare not say his thoughts to Intelligence. No. He didn't want to break any of their hope. And Kim was going to need all of the hope she could get if she was going to pull through.

The team just nodded and settled in. Not one of them was going to leave until they received news about their member. So they waited.

.

It was 8:03 am. The sun was peaking through the blinds covering the windows. It has been 10 hours. 10 long hours. Some of the police officers left for their shift. Most stayed, camping out in their chairs. Some slept on the floor. Some were called to a scene where they handled it and immediately came back to the hospital. Hailey, Jay, Kevin, and Trudy rotated between two seats, allowing each person to catch a little bit of sleep. But in reality, none of them could get more than a few minutes of rest before the memories of the previous 36 hours crept into their minds, jolting them alert and awake. But they all stayed in that waiting room. In purgatory. No matter how scared, how sad they were, they all remained brave. Trudy and Jay tried calling Voight a couple of times only to realize he wasn't coming. They passed it off to be overwhelming. They thought Hank couldn't fathom hearing any bad news about Kim in person. Either that or he was somewhere, swallowing down liquor like he did when Al passed. But they didn't leave. They couldn't leave. They just had to hope the Sergeant wasn't doing anything he shouldn't be doing. 

Kevin stayed on the phone until about 3 am before Adam told him he was going to try to sleep so he could take Makayla to school the next day. Adam woke up at 6 but got the same luck as the rest of his team. He didn’t really get much of actual rest. But he woke up, got ready, fixed breakfast, woke Makayla up, got her ready, drove her to school while singing her favorite songs, and was back on the phone with Kev and heading to Med before 7:45.

Will kept coming in and out of the waiting room. He would periodically try to get information but was shut down every time. Nevertheless, he kept trying. He kept pushing for Intelligence. For Kim.

Suddenly, a doctor scrubbed and dressed in surgical gear stepped foot into the waiting room and everyone immediately woke each other up and sprang to their feet. Kevin told Adam the surgeon was here and put his phone on speaker. The surgeon walked straight to Intelligence and the other officers turned towards the team, waiting for the news. No one moved. No one blinked. Everyone studied the surgeon, trying to pick up on any cues before he spoke. Everyone held their breath. Everyone waited for the update.

After a long breath, the surgeon started pouring words.

“Officer Kim Burgess experienced severe head trauma, assault, shoulder strain, and two shots to the abdominal region. It was clear she lost a lot of blood, and when we got into surgery, it was much worse. She had a dislocated right knee, so we set it in place. The through-and-through shot didn’t do any internal damage so we patched it right up. The other one that never exited was lodged two inches to the right of her left kidney. If it were to hit it, she would have experienced kidney failure and gone into shock shortly after getting hit. Luckily, that didn’t happen. We were able to extract the bullet with as minimal damage as could be done. She had some pieces of glass lodged in her arms and we were able to get them out. She experienced head trauma. We checked, and she was bleeding internally in the brain. Left untreated, it could have lead to developmental setbacks, blood clotting, or death. However, it must’ve started only a little before she arrived here. This was likely due to her staying calm under pressure and subconsciously keeping her head in the correct position. She lost a lot of blood and had a low BP. She lost a pulse after we tried to stop the bleeding, but she was resuscitated after the first try. We did everything we could, and we did a lot. She made it out of surgery. She’s critical, but she’s stable.”

With that, everyone let out the breath that they were holding and erupted with such emotion. Some celebrated, hugging and shaking hands with each other. Some clapped and yelled in happiness. Some stood there in awe, in shock, in disbelief. Hailey dropped her head in her hands and started sobbing. Kim’s alive. She’s alive. Jay let out an excited expression and high-fived Will before engulfing a shaky Hailey in a huge hug. Trudy just let out a loud, deep sigh of relief. She immediately pulled the surgeon in for a hug. She knew Kim would pull through. Kim’s a fighter. She was going to push through. Kevin had big tears in his eyes. He couldn’t believe it. As much as he tried to be optimistic, he saw Kim with his own two eyes. He saw her and could only imagine what kind of torturous hell she went through. He knew Kim was strong, but this. This situation looked bleak. And as much as he tried not to believe that he held on to Kim during her dying breaths, he just didn’t know if Kim could pull through. He didn’t know if anyone could have pulled through with those injuries. But she did. Kim’s alive. After Kevin caught his breath he put his phone to his ear and checked on Adam.

“You heard that, brother?”

All he heard back were deep breaths and sobs.

“She’s okay. She’s gonna be okay. She’s gonna be okay.” Kev heard Adam whispering in between his cries. He didn’t hear a direct answer from Adam but he knew he heard the surgeon. Kev followed suit and replied, “She’s gonna be okay. She's gonna be okay, bro.”

The surgeon cleared his throat and the waiting room quieted down, listening to what else he had to say.

“They’re wrapping up on Officer Burgess now. She will have a brace on her knee to keep it in place. She’s cut and bruised, and she’ll likely have a concussion. We’re giving her blood and we’ll continue for the next few days along with antibiotics to treat any infections from the warehouse. She’s sedated. We’re going to try to ease her awake but she’s a fighter. So she’ll probably wake up by tonight. She’ll be transferred to a private ICU after she’s out of surgery. She’s been to hell and back, and she has a hell of a recovery to go, but she’s alive.”

The waiting room erupted again in relief and celebration. The surgeon hugged and shook hands with all of the officers, including Intelligence. He then left the room to allow the policemen to celebrate.

Intelligence just looked at each other. They didn’t jump up and down or screamed to the rooftops. No, they were too tired for that. But also it was a different kind of energy. 48 hours ago, they were at each other’s throats. Each one of them had a different idea on how to solve this case. On how to get Kim back. Each one of them had hit their breaking point. Each one of them had been to their own hell. And some of them hadn’t made it back yet. And while Kim was fighting back from her hell, while she was fighting for her life, the team came together. They rallied together for their team member, for their friend. They had to come together in order to give Kim that energy. That strength in order for her to make it out on the other side. But that was temporary, and the team knew that. Now, after Kim has made it, the team doesn't know how to feel. They didn’t know what to do. And just because they got what they wanted — they got Kim back and they got her back alive — it doesn’t mean everything that just happened is dropped. It doesn’t mean everything, every word can just be forgotten. No, it just means things get taken off pause.

“Adam!” Kevin screams and tries to leap forward, but Jay catches him by the vest and holds him back as Adam goes down. He manages to get off one shot that takes out the guy who shot Adam before Jay yanks him back. “No! Ruz! No!”

Jay pokes around the pillar just long enough to lay down some return fire. Kevin tries to pull against his grip. He has to get to Adam, he has to save his partner, but Jay yanks him back once again.

“Kevin! Stop!” Jay shouts, his eyes are wide and scared, reflecting what Kevin is feeling. “We don’t need both of you shot! We need a plan!”

“We have to get him,” Kevin chokes looking over his shoulder at his partner. He’s ten feet away. Ten feet, laying in a growing puddle of blood. He feels sick and his mind is running at a million miles an hour. They have to help Adam.

“We will! But there’s no point in all three of us dying,” Jay says, shaking Kevin. “So we need a damn plan!”

Kevin swallows and nods his head.

“I’ll draw them out, you pick them off, got it?” Jay says evenly, glancing around the edge of the pillar for a split second and is instantly met with bullets whizzing past his head.

“How the hell are you going to do that?” Kevin demands.

“I’m going to let them see just enough of me that it entices them to shoot at me,” Jay replies, glancing around the corner again. “You get low, and they’ll be so busy paying attention to me so they won’t notice you.”

“Jay-”

“It’s the only move we’ve got, Kevin,” Jay replies sharply.

Kevin glances over at Adam, who’s not moving and then back at Jay. He doesn’t like the plan, but it’s the only one they have and it’s their best shot at saving Adam, he can even still be saved.

“We got Kim, we’re falling back to the safe zone,” Jay hesitates as Hailey’s voice comes over the radio.

“We got this,” Kevin reassures him.

Jay nods. “You ready?”

“Yes.” Kevin lowers himself to the floor and lays on his belly and very slowly and cautiously leans around the edge of the pillar as Jay steps out of the safety of their shield for a half a second. One of the guys across the parking garage shows themself to shoot at Jay, but Kevin pulls the trigger and takes him down before he can shoot Jay. The other guy opens fire just as Jay ducks back to safety.

“One more,” Jay says, gripping his gun, getting ready to step out of safety again.

“I’m ready when you are,” Kevin says, placing his finger on the trigger.

Jay nods and steps out of their cover once again. The other shooter  reveals himself for a second, but a second is all Kevin needs. He shoots the guy before he can get one shot off at Jay. Kevin doesn’t waste a second dropping his gun and clamoring to his feet. He half runs half stumbles across the floor and collapses on the floor next to Adam.

“Ruz!” Kevin chokes, lifting Adam’s head off the bloody ground with one hand and tearing open his vest with the other. There’s so much blood he can’t tell where it’s all coming from. “Ruz, Ruz you gotta wake up man, you gotta stay with me.”

“I’m sorry,” Adam mumbles around a mouthful of blood, but doesn’t open his eyes.

“What the hell were you thinking,” Kevin demands, adjusting his grip on his partner. “What the hell were you thinking!”

“I’m sorry,” Adam repeats, and he means it, from the very bottom of his heart, Kevin can tell he means it. And he knows he’s not just apologizing for what he just did. He’s apologizing for everything. “I couldn’t let anything happen to Kim or…”

“Don’t do that man,” Kevin begs, holding Adam upright and cradling him in his arms. He can feel Jay walk soberly up behind him, and he can hear him radio to dispatch that they have an officer down. “Don’t. Just hang in there okay? You’re going to be okay.”

“Or you…” Adam finishes before his head slumps forward against his bloody chest.

“No! Damn it Ruz, stay with me,” Kevin cries, rocking his partner, trying to shake him back awake, bring him back. The last real conversation they had had was them yelling at each other to go to hell and trying to punch each other in the face.

Jay doesn’t say anything, he stands silently next to Kevin and hangs his head.

***

Hailey hears Jay’s officer down call come in over the radio as she climbs up into the ambulance with Kim. She hesitates on the step leading into the back. She has a deep gut feeling that it’s Adam. He’s smart, he’s tough, he knows what he’s doing, but he gets stupid when it comes to things involving Kim.

“Where’s Adam?” Kim mumbles, drawing Hailey’s attention back to her and the ambulance and the current situation. Hailey switches off the radio and ducks inside the ambulance. If she’s right Kim doesn’t need to find out from radio chatter.

“He’s going to meet us at the hospital,” Hailey says, taking Kim’s hand. Brett is on her other side starting an IV. It’s not exactly a lie, it could be true, but saying it still hurts. Hailey’s chest aches

“I need to tell him something,” Kim adds and lifts her head off the stretcher. “Where is he?”

“He’s helping clean this mess up,” Hailey says, trying to sound comforting and reassuring, but she’s so unsure herself.

“But he’s always here,” Kim groans and lets her head fall back against the back onto the stretcher.

“Burgess, I need you to hold still,” Brett says gently, holding Kim’s arm against her body to steady it while she starts get the IV ready to go into her arm.

“I need Adam,” Kim insists, ignoring the paramedic. “Hailey-”

“He’ll meet us at the hospital, Kim,” Hailey promises, and tries to make herself believe it. She wishes she could unhear her partner’s call over the radio. He sounded sick and heart broken when he said it, and lost, lost like he didn’t know what to do or what to say.

Kim shakes her head miserably and tears start building in her eyes.

“Hey, shhh,” Hailey soothes and squeezes her hand. “He’ll be there Kim. You know that, he loves you.”

This seems to only make things worse because Kim starts crying harder.

***

She feels completely alone. At the very core of her being there's an empty pit opening up and swallowing her hole. She knows Hailey and Brett are with her, but it feels like there’s no one, Adam’s not there with her so she might as well be alone. She needs him. She needs him to wrap her in his strong arms and hold her against his chest so she can hear his heartbeat and she needs him to promise everything will be okay. But he’s not there with her, he’s always there. No matter what he’s always there, he’s the anchor that holds her in place and keeps her grounded even when everything seems to be falling apart around her. And right now everything is falling apart, the world is crumbling around her and he’s not there. She’s alone and being sucked into an empty pit of blackness.

She closes her eyes trying to stop the tears from coming, but it doesn’t help. She can feel Hailey squeeze her hand, but that somehow only makes things worse because it’s not Adam holding her hand. She wants to believe Hailey that Adam will meet them at the hospital, but she’s scared. Somethings wrong, she can tell. Hailey’s scared too, she recognizes the forced calm in her voice.

“Hailey, what happened,” she tries again to get the detective to tell her something.

“You’re safe, you’re on your way to med. Everything is going to be okay.”

Kim knows it’s a lie. How can everything be okay if Adam isn’t here?

***

At the hospital they take Kim straight back to an exam room, and Hailey has barely watched the stretcher disappear into a room before the hospital doors are opening and there’s another stretcher being rolled in with Adam laying on top of it dripping blood onto the floor. Jay and Kevin are walking right along with him. Kevin has blood smeared on his hands and face, and there are tears streaking down his face. And Jay just looks lost.

“37 year old male, multiple gunshot wounds, shocked once in transport,” the paramedic is announcing  as the stretcher gets passed off to the Dr. Choi and Dr. Marcel.

Hailey swallows hard and looks away.

“Hey,” Jay breathes and pulls her aside , so he’s blocking her view of Adam with his body.

“What happened?” Hailey asks, stepping back from him just a little. This whole case has thrown everything onto the rocks. Things are prickly between everyone. She loves Jay but she’s not ready to cling to him and cry into his arms. She’s not ready to let him hold her.

Jay looks a little hurt by her pull away from him, but the majority of the worry and pain in his eyes is not for her or because of her.

“He got stupid,” Jay says, and it comes out curt and a little harsh. “We got pinned down and he decided it was a good idea to try to rush the shooters. He didn’t have a damn plan.”

He sounds angry, but she knows it’s only because he cares.

Hailey nods slightly, but doesn’t say anything to her partner. Instead she leaves him to go check on Kevin who is standing in a dazed trance looking at something on the floor. As she gets closer to him, she realizes it’s blood.

“I told him to go to hell,” Kevin says quietly as she approaches him and rests her hand on his shoulder.

“Hey,” she says, trying to sound comforting. “He knows you didn’t mean it.”

“I told my best friend to go to hell,” Kevin repeats without looking up. “What was I thinking? He thinks I hate him… that’s the last thing he’s gonna think.”

“Kevin! Look at me!” Hailey says firmly, making him look up at her. “He knows you don’t hate him, okay? He knows that!”

It’s not entirely true. She’d been with Adam after his fight with Kevin, he’d been so angry and upset. He’d blamed himself for everything, for Kim getting kidnapped, for his fight with Kevin. He’d been convinced he messed everything up, betrayed his best friend and failed the love of his life. He’d said he ruined everything to try to save Kim and in the end he wasn’t even able to do that.

***

Kim knew Hailey was lying to her in the ambulance ride over, but at least during the ride over she could hope, but now she’s sitting in a hospital room, alone with no sign of Adam. She keeps expecting him to walk through the door, but he never does and at this point she’s convinced he won’t.

“Hey Burgess.” Trudy is the one to walk in as the door swings open. She looks tired, relieved to be seeing Kim, but tired.

“Where’s Adam?” Kim asks as the desk sergeant sits down next to her bed.

Trudy sighs and purses her lips. 

“Trudy, please,” Kim presses.

Trudy hesitates before finding her words. “Kim..” she says it with so much pity and sorrow that it feels like a kick to the stomach.

“No,” Kim chokes, shaking her head. She knows what’s about to be said, and it can’t be true, she refuses to believe it.

“Kim, he got shot,” Trudy continues softly.

“No,” Kim repeats, refusing to hear what she has to say next. He can’t die.

“Hey, they’re doing everything they can for him,” Trudy whispers, her voice cracking. Kim can see tears welling in her eyes. “He’s in good hands. He’s going to be okay.”

It’s all empty promises, hopeful lies meant to offer false reassurance. She can see it in Trudy’s eyes, he’s going to die. The police sergeant doesn’t believe what she’s just said.

‘He’s going to die, isn’t he?” Kim can feel her bottom lip quivering as she says and Trudy seems to melt, droop into this old tired woman who’s weary and lost in her fears too.

“Don’t do that, Kim,” she tries, but even the normally unwavering Trudy Platt can’t stop her voice from cracking.

“Isn’t he?” Kim repeats miserably, tears beginning to well in her eyes as she sits up, ignoring the pain from her movement. Nothing hurts more than the pain bursting open in her chest, nothing hurts more than the thought of losing Adam.

Trudy places a steady hand on Kim’s thigh and shakes her head. “I don’t know, Kim. I don’t know.”

It’s the most honest thing anyone has said to her since being found. Ever the promises that she’d be fine were lies, how can she be fine while Adam is dying? How can she ever be fine if he dies. He’s her constant, when she’s beaten and bruised, he’s there. When the world is spinning out of control, he’s there. When she’s facing devastating loss, he’s there. She can’t imagine climbing the mountains life has thrown at her without him. She can’t imagine her life without him, she doesn’t even want to try. She doesn’t ever want to live without him.

“He can’t die,” Kim says hopelessly looking into Trudy’s tears stained gaze.

“Come here,” Trudy chokes and wraps her arms around Kim in a tight tug, holding her close to her body. “Come here.”

***

“What the hell happened?” Voight demands, marching into the waiting room and rapidly approaching Atwater and Halstead who are standing in a corner talking in hushed tones with their backs to the room. Hailey is sitting close to them, but she’s staring into space and doesn’t say anything or even look up as Hank approaches the small part of his unit that’s left standing. Jay and Kevin both turn slowly to face him. They’re exhausted and their gazes are dull and spacy; they’ve been run ragged by the case, and a pang of guilt flares up inside of him as he really takes in the appearance of his team.

Jay sighs and straightens up his slumped shoulders, and Hailey finally looks up, but keeps her chin resting on her hand. 

“Kim’s beat up, but physically she’ll be fine,” Jay says and glances at Kevin, who looks at the floor. The detective looks angry, and something passes through his gaze settling in like storm clouds on the horizon. “Ruz took two to the chest and one to the stomach. Where the hell were you?”

Hank’s first instinct is to fight the challenge from his most senior detective, but Hailey steps between them and makes him take a second to rethink.

“Not here, Jay,” she warns, putting one hand on her partner’s chest. She knows where he was, or at least has a pretty good guess, Hank is certain of that much. One of the guys who took Kim had rabbeted; Hank went after him.

“No, I wanna know where he was!” Jay shouts, righteous anger filling his voice. The weight of everything seems to finally be crashing down on top of him and breaking his floodwalls. “We got pinned down, Ruzek got shot three damn times, you got Kim out with patrol. Where the hell was he!”

“Jay,” Hailey says quietly and shakes her head.

The detective nods his head, glaring out at Voight; he seems to be putting together all the pieces as he keeps his gaze locked with Hank’s. “Unbelievable.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Hank challenges. He knows exactly what it means, and exactly what Jay is thinking, and he’s right.

“You executed your revenge fantasy. You left and opened this unit up to further harm so you could carry out your perception of justice, and Adam got shot!” Jay shouts, pushing against Hailey.

“He had to pay!” Voight shouts back, losing his cool.

“And he would’ve!” Jay shouts  louder.

“He murdered children, he beat Kim, do you get that?”

“That doesn’t mean you can murder him,” Jay says dangerously, and one hand falls to the hand cuff tucked into his belt. “It’s horrible and evil, but that doesn’t mean you can leave, put us at risk and commit murder. When we cross that line we become no better than the people we work to put away.”

***

“How’s she doing?” Kevin asks, shuffling into  Kim’s hospital room. She’s asleep, but Trudy is sitting up in a chair next to her flipping through a magazine. After Jay and Voight decided to take their argument to the roof and Will telling him and Hailey it’ll be another couple hours before they know how Adam’s surgery went he decided to move on to Kim’s room to check in on her and wait for news there.

“She’s hurting and scared for Adam,” Trudy says quietly, setting her magazine down on her lap. She gestures to a chair in the corner. “Pull a chair up and have a seat.”

He sighs and does as he’s told. It feels like it’s been an eternity since he’s sat down, and finally taking the weight off his legs makes him realize just how heavy he felt.

“I feel like I messed up,” Kevin finally says after a long time of sitting in silence and looks up at Platt who sets down her magazine again. She doesn’t say anything, just waits patiently for him to elaborate. “We fought.”

Trudy nods. He knows she knows this, she was there.

“I don’t regret standing my ground or taking the side I did. I’d do it again, I just…” He trails off. “Ruz is my best friend and he got shot, and I can’t help but wonder if he was trying to prove something.”

“Prove what?” Trudy asks, leaning back in her chair.

“I don’t know, that he’d still have my back, and still risk his life for me,” Kevin says slowly, letting his gaze fall to the floor. He can’t help but feel like maybe he made Adam feel like what he did was something he had to do to prove himself. “But I didn’t need him to do that. He should’ve known that. I should’ve made sure he knew I still trusted him with my life.”

“It’s not your fault Kevin,” Trudy says after contemplating his words for a couple seconds. “It’s not your fault he made the choice he did, and I think he would’ve made it regardless.”

Kevin shakes his head, he can feel tears welling in his eyes. “I just don’t want him to die, Platt.”

The desk sergeant looks like she’s about to say more, but Kim moans softly next to her and flinches and stops her from saying what ever she was about to say.

“Hey, Burgess,” Kevin says and scoots closer to his old partner’s bed. He rests his hand on top of hers to let her know he’s there.

She blinks her eyes open slowly, and looks up at him. Her gaze is pained and haunted like she’s seen a ghost.

“Hey, are you okay?” Kevin asks scooting a little closer to her.

She shakes her head. “Adam…”

Kevin glances at Trudy for a second before looking back to his old partner. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

Kim shakes her head again. “I had a dream,” she says with chilling calm, and her tone is that of someone lost and broken, or maybe someone who has lost something. She swallows hard,  “He died.”

“Hey, he’s not gonna die,” Kevin promises, but she doesn’t look convinced, and in all truth, he’s not convinced of what he just said either. He’s still not even sure how Adam survived the trip to the hospital. He’d lost more blood than Kevin even thought was humanly possible; there was so much of it making a pool on the ground around his body, soaking into the knees of Kevin’s pants, staining his hands as he desperately tried in vain to stop it or even slow it down- Kevin closes his eyes and lets out a slow breath trying to shake the memory, but he can’t. He can remember it, feel it even, so clearly and it won’t go away. The hot stickiness of Adam’s blood as it pushed against his hands and soaked into his own clothes and made them stick to his skin. How cold his hand was when Kevin grabbed it in the ambulance, how white his skin was.

“Kevin,” Trudy’s stern voice cuts through his unwanted memories and brings him back to reality.

“Sorry,” Kevin chokes, shaking himself, and when he looks back at Kim  she’s looking at him like she knows exactly what was running through his mind.

***

Hailey follows Hank and Jay into Kim’s hospital room. Neither of them say a word and she doesn’t ask them for the details of whatever conversation they’ve just had. Hank looks like he’s just been yelling, but Jay looks unruffled, just grim. She can only imagine what was being said, Hank had all but confessed to murdering the guy responsible for kidnapping Kim, and Jay had openly accused him of doing just that.

“How are you holding up, Burgess?” Voight asks gruffly as he comes to a standstill at the foot of her bed. His face betraying nothing about what was said between him and Jay after they left to talk privately on the roof.

Kim glances around at all of them. “I’m fine.”

She doesn’t say anything about how scared she is for Adam, but Hailey can tell she’s terrified. She knows exactly what she’s feeling.

“Good, good,” Hank says and rests one hand on her leg.

Jay clears his throat and crosses his arms over his chest expectantly. Hank ducks his head. Hailey frowns and studies both of them, she’s never seen duck at someone else’s authority, especially not someone he outranks, but she can feel the shift between the two of them. Jay seems to be standing just a little taller, and Hank seems like he’s sunk somehow. It’s like there was some fight on that roof and Jay not only won, but somehow managed to surpass their leader.

“I have news guys,” Hank says, and Kevin cocks an eyebrow and looks to Jay who gives him a subtle curt nod. “I’m resigning from the CPD.”

Kim and Trudy both look stunned, Kevin doesn’t look surprised in the least, and Jay looks relieved. Hailey had been expecting something dramatic, but this wasn’t exactly this.

“Hank, why?” Trudy asks.

“It’s time,” he replies curtly, and side eyes Jay.

“Jay, can we talk?” Hailey asks, grabbing her partner and pulling him out into the hallway before he can respond or argue. 

“What did you do?” she demands as soon as they’re out of ear shot from Kim’s room. She knows Voight didn’t come to this decision on his own.

“I gave him a choice,” Jay says confidently. There’s zero conflict in his voice about whatever conversation he had with Voight. “We both know what he was doing. He murdered that guy and he put the unti at risk while he was at it. So I told him he either resigns and let him do it with some dignity, or I bring him up on murder charges.”

Hailey raises both her eyebrows in shock. “You really did that?”

“He crossed a line, Hailey,” Jay replies evenly. “And it wasn’t the first time. I’m not letting him get away scott free this time.”

***

It’s late when Marcel finally walks into Kim’s hospital room to deliver the news on Adam’s condition, and it’s just her and Trudy. So much has been happening Kim almost wishes he’d wait just so she can catch up and process her world spinning out of control before something else is thrown at her, but more than that she needs to know whether Adam will be okay.

“He made it through surgery,” the surgeon reports, his tone is gentle and comforting. “He’s not out of the woods yet, and he’s got a rough road to recovery ahead of him, but he’s stable.”

Kim lets out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and lets herself fall back against her pillow, relief flooding over her in waves and lifting the tiniest amount of weight off her chest. He’s not out of the woods yet, but he’s made it this far. He has a good fighting chance now; she might not lose him after all.

“Can I go see him?” She asks shifting in bed so she’s sitting up again.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Marcel says hesitantly. “You still need rest and take time to heal-”

“I’m fine,” Kim says firmly without missing a beat. Her body still aches, but comparatively she’s fine, she didn’t get shot. “He can’t wake up alone. I need to be there for him. He needs to know I’m okay when he wakes up.”

She knows Adam, she knows the way his mind works, and she has a pretty good idea of how he handled things while she was kidnapped. She needs to be there for him when he wakes up to promise him she’s okay. Not only that but she needs to see him, she needs to be there with him to see for herself that he’s going to be okay. She doesn’t care if she’s still hurting, she needs to see him. She needs him.

“Kim-”

“Please,” she pleads.

Marcel sighs and slumps his shoulders. “Okay, fine, just until he wakes up and then you need to come back here and rest.”

“Thank you,” Kim breathes, managing to relax ever so slightly. Just the thought of being allowed to be close to him makes her feel better. She’s so used to him being right there next to her everytime she needs him, he just always seems to know, like it’s his sixth sense, but this time she’s going to be there for him.

Adam’s room is quiet, too quiet; Adam is still, too still, still like he’s barely clinging to life, like he might slip away at any moment.

“I’m right here,” Kim whispers as she eases herself into the chair next to his bed and takes his hand in hers. It’s really the only thing she can think to say. She’s there and she’s not going anywhere. It doesn’t matter how long it takes him to wake up, she’s going to be there waiting for him when he comes back to her. His fingers twitch a little as she wraps her other hand around his so it’s clasped between both her hands, but other than that he doesn’t stir. He remains still and quiet.

“You’re not supposed to be the one to get hurt,” she says quietly, it seems wrong to interrupt the quiet of the room by raising her voice above a whisper, so she keeps it low. “You’ve gotta stay safe for me and Makayla, because we both know I’m apparently incapable of doing that. Adam, I need you.” She’s not sure he can hear her, but she hopes he can, and that hope is enough to keep her talking. Maybe her words will bring him back to her, give him something to cling to the way his words always did for her. “Come back to me. Please. I don’t want to do this without you.”

She can feel tears stinging her eyes as she lifts his hand to her lips; it hurts. Deep down in her chest it hurts seeing him like this, so still and quiet. She’s not exactly sure what it's like to feel her heart break, but she’s pretty sure this feeling like her chest is being crushed and the lump in her throat she can’t swallow is pretty close to it. The sound of weak shallow breaths claws at her like nothing she’s ever felt before, it hurts. It hurts worse than all the times she’s been kicked, beaten, and shot. She’s only felt this hollow aching pain once before, and that was after the miscarrage, but even then she had Adam there with her to help fill the emptiness left behind, to remind her she wasn’t alone. But now he’s the reason for that hollow pit inside of her. The one person who she needs to promise her everything will be okay, is the one person who can’t do it.

“I’m sorry,” she finally says, finding her voice again through the lump in the back of her throat. And it conveys everything she needs to say to him all at once. “I’m sorry for everything.”

She spent so much time pushing him away, fighting him everytime he tried to get close to her, but he never gave up. He kept coming back, kept trying, and she kept pushing, but now she’s done pushing. Now she’s trying to pull him back to her, cling to him and keep with her, but for the first time he just seems to be drifting away. He seems to be leaving her.

“I’m sorry I pushed you away from me,” she chokes, kissing his hand. She’s not a doctor but even she knows the numbers on the heart monitor next to him are lower than they should be, and they’ve gotten lower since she first came into the room. He’s slipping. “I’m sorry, please stay with me. Come back to me one more time. Just one more time. Please.”

She rests her head on the bed next to him so he can feel her next to him.

“I’m right here,” she promises one last time.

***

Kim wakes up to gentle fingers combing through her hair. She lifts her head and discovers Adam looking at her, with his head tilted in her direction; the smile on his face is weak and dazed, but it’s a smile, and she can tell from the glint in his tired eyes that it’s genuine.

“Didn’t mean to wake you up,” he mumbles, struggling to get the words.

“No, I’m glad you did,” she breathes, tears welling in her eyes again. She hadn’t realized she’d fallen asleep, and frankly at the moment she’s not convinced she’s not dreaming.

“Hey, don’t cry,” Adam wheezes and brushes her cheek with his hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”

She’s supposed to be the one comforting him, not the other way around. He’s the one who got shot and almost died, not her, but here she is, terrified, and him yet again being the one to comfort her.

“They told me you got shot,” she chokes, the tears spilling down her cheeks. “I thought you were gonna die. I thought I was going to lose you.”

“Kim, I’m not going anywhere, ever, I promise,” Adam says, firmer this time. “I’m always going to be here for you.”

Kim nods through her tears. “I just-”

“It’s okay,” Adam promises and with all the tenderness in the world, pulls her close to him as she begins to cry harder. “I’m okay Kim. I promise”

She can feel him relax as her head rests against his chest, and he lets out a sigh that can only be described as one of relief, like he’s letting his own worries go as he helps her let go of hers. She squeezes her eyes closed as she keeps her head leaned against his chest and soaks in his presence and the warmth of his body.

“I’m sorry,” Kim says aloud for him to hear this time.

“Don’t do that,” Adam soothes.

“No, Adam I’m sorry,” she says and lifts her head so she’s looking into his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ve spent so much time pushing you away, and then I almost lost you, and I can’t lose you. I don’t ever want to live without you. Adam, I love you.”

“Kim…” Adam looks surprised, not a bad kind of surprised, not even a disbelieving kind of surprised, just surprised like he wasn’t expecting her to say that.

“I love you Adam,” she says with more emphasis this time.

And now it’s his turn to start crying. His tears come from nowhere and spill down his cheeks, and before Kim knows it he’s sitting up and wrapping his arms around her.

“I love you too,” he chokes out, burying his face in her shoulder. “I was so scared, Kim. I was so scared, I thought I wasn’t going to be able to find you. Nothing else mattered. I love you so much, Kim.”