#coyoteirl

Yeah, kinda wish I could get away from myself right now.

I really am just a massive fuck up. My entirety is just a long series of fails. What I do, what I say, it doesn't matter. These are times where I wish life had an undo button. Crtl+Z all the way to the start. It doesn't and I am stuck with what I have and who I am. And I'm kinda trash. I can't keep friends and I...ruin everything. Some blame lays in my childhood. Abusive authority figures and shitty parents tend to fuck you up. I see family that have been successful and I wonder where I went wrong. Life kinda dealt me a very shit hand and the only good things I have I ruin. I am a terrible person and I honestly hate myself. I'm also very good and keeping a mask up. Not letting anyone know. Because it's scary how screwed up I am.

I am in this huge funk of not doing good. The husband is having issues and is trying to get fmla from work, which is all good and fine except he is our only source of income. I am trying to find a job that will work with my school schedule, but nada so far. I'm super worried about us not having enough to cover bills and I'm already struggling with my damned credit card bills. So here I am trying to figure out how I can get a part, or hell a full time job without letting on how badly this stress is fucking me up. I can't tell him because he has enough shit going on with his own mental health that....I kinda don't have any way to vent and it's making me ball it all up into a horrible emotional explosion just waiting to happen.

Our vet sent us a sympathy card and, while super sweet, I wanted to curl up and sob for years.

I have been reading an article on why the author does not want children and began mulling on my own reasons. The first is the easiest. I dislike children as a whole. Yes there are some kids I am amiable to and some I care for (my own nephew being a good example). I would hate my own child. I know this and no amount of "you'll change your mind" and it's different when it's your own will change this. I have also heard the argument of "be glad your parents didn’t think like that." Honestly, I wish they had. I wouldn't have dealt with lax parenting. I wouldn't have faced the myriad of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse that has ruined my psyche. I wouldn't be so I wouldn't care. I am a huge proponent for the extinction of the human race. I would like to see our species die out. Oh and I've heard the "why don't you kill yourself than" argument. Tried that as a teenager thanks. I may not have actively chosen to be here, but I can do what I can to avoid ruining someone else's life. And removing myself would hurt people that I don't want to see hurt. I will never claim to be a good person. I am not. The monster that hides in my own head is a terrifying thing, but I can at least make damned sure I can help not bring another person into this world and ruin their life as well as my own.

I know where I stand on things now with people. I am that friend. The one who is only just there. I am the person that if I vanished it seems like no one would know.