#covetness

I require much time to myself to recharge and recover, but I also deeply treasure the time I spend with my friends, and I value the intimacy that comes with that.  Perhaps that is why my favorite hang outs are one-on-one, when I can give somebody my undivided attention and they can (hopefully) give me theirs.  I sometimes want to act like an enraged mama bear when somebody wants to join in on one-on-one time I've arranged with somebody else, all snapping teeth, bared claws, and loud roars.  However, that's generally not acceptable so I usually just smile and nod.  I suppose spending time with just one other person also ensures that they are there solely for you and that there is no sense of competition.  I don't know why, but I often find myself feeling like I'm in a battle with other people for my friends' time and attention, a snarky game of "who do they like better?"  A game that they're probably not even aware they're playing with me, and, in all honestly, they're most likely not.  However, my possessive streak keeps mental tallies of every time I contact somebody first to hang out, every time a friend cancels plans to spend time with someone else, every unanswered text, every sign that they prefer somebody else.  I suppose I also mark every choice or action in my favor as a tally in the "win" column.  It's a mentally draining, emotionally exhausting, and generally unhealthy approach.  It's also inherently geared toward failure: I can count on one hand (and not use all five fingers) the number of times I feel like I've come out on top in a person's affections.  It also inevitably leads to an ever downward spiraling train of thoughts relating to my own self-worth or desirability.  I know this, but I find myself doing it anyway.  If I had to pinpoint a reason for this minute examination, this insecurity, I guess I could trace it back to middle school where I constantly had to battle for the attention and favors of my friend against another close friend of ours who made it very clear that she did NOT prefer me.  I frequently lost.  Many other things have contributed over the years, but that appears to be the starting point.  Even now three people is my least favorite number combination; it's too easy to be/feel left out.  Don't even ask me how I feel living in a three person house.  Individual hang outs (temporarily) suspend this sense of contention, and allow me to breathe easier for a while.  I think this is also where my dislike of competition comes from-I seldom win, and hate to lose. 

I tell myself that this mentality is absurd, that just because a friend is off in cahoots with somebody else does not mean they like me any less.  After all, don't I also prefer to spend time with certain people in certain situations?  Don't I naturally gravitate toward new, shiny people or those I haven't seen in a while?  Yet this sense of abandonment or coming in second best always lingers when these situations arise.  I can't help it, and it's almost as natural and familiar as my shadow at this point.  I've become quite good at finding distractions or ignoring it, but sometimes it sits and gnaws and festers until the resentment demands to be released and I have to find a personal space where I can sit, breathe, and daydream for a while.  

I've been feeling this more than normal lately, and it's taking a toll on my mood.  It's a catch-22, since the more I feel like this the less I want to be around people.  This isn't pretty or graceful or some beautiful flaw that a book heroine possesses.  No, this is silly and irrational and something I just need to figure out how to deal with, but it's not always so easy.  It's so damn difficult not to view everything as a zero-sum game that I'm constantly losing.  Not even zero sum; I just want to feel like somebody's first choice and not their taken for granted back up plan sometimes.

But I know friendships don't work like this, that there is no competition, and I'm trying to learn how to hold what I've been given with an open hand.  It's hard, though.  Sometimes I just want to squeeze that hand shut for all I'm worth, hold on tight, and never let go.  However, delicate things don't flourish in dark cages and constraining something is the surest way to lose or damage it, so I'm working on maintaining that open hand.