#cousla

He pulled the door open and flinched at the dark hair and pale eyes looking up at him.  Definitely not Liss.

“Lucia,” he asked furrowing his eyebrows and blinking a few times.  Her tired eyes and nose were swollen and red from crying, although her face was dry now.  Every bit of it was out of character for the stoic, put-together woman.

She eyed him knowingly, a small, muted smile curving on her lips. “You look like you were expecting someone else.”

“And you look like a mess,” he replied quickly, a reflex, “No offense.”

“None taken.”  Lucia looked down at the floor as she kicked at it with her boot.  When she brought her eyes back up to him, there were tears welling up in them. “Can we talk?”

Nathaniel nodded and stepped out of the doorway so that she could enter.  She walked into the room hesitantly, looking around as she did so. She stopped and stood, still as a statue at the center, eyes fixed on the fireplace.  He closed the door and moved to stand beside her.

“Would you like to sit?”

She took a deep breath and blinked slowly before turning to look at him and nod.  She was so deliberate in her actions, even the small ones, a stark comparison to Liss.  Nathaniel pulled out a chair for her at the small table in the corner of the room. He sat down in the chair across from her and waited for her to speak.

“Sorry to bother you,” she muttered, “I know it’s late.”

“It’s fine,” he reassured her, “I wasn’t sleeping.”

“I thought you might have… company.”

“No.” Nathaniel laughed and shook his head.

“You and that woman, Elissa,” Lucia stated,“You two seem close.”

“We were,” he admitted, shifting in his seat, “Our fathers fought together during the rebellion, and our families were allies.  We were friends as children. I haven’t seen her in years, though.”

“What is she like,” she asked, straight-faced, lips pressing into a thin line.  That’s what she had come to talk about, then.

“Lucia, I don’t think—“

“Please, Nathaniel,” she insisted, eyes watering, “I need to know.”

“I know that you probably want to hear that she’s a horrible person,” he began, with a sigh, “I can’t give you that.”

“That’s not what I want,”she explained, smiling gently, “I already know that she isn’t.  If she were, Alistair wouldn’t care for her as he does.”

“He cares for her?”  His tone was a bit sharper than he would have liked.

“Yes.”

“I suppose it would be hard not to,” he grumbled, shaking away the jealousy he had not earned. “What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know,” Lucia said, voice cracking, and she began to wipe at her eyes, “I have no right to be angry with her, because I am the one who left without any assurance that I would be back. I am the one who didn’t write to Alistair the entire time I was away.  It’s my fault all of this happened. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for me to just have sacrificed myself to kill the Archdemon like all of the other heroes from Blights in the past.”

Though he knew it was disrespectful, Nathaniel couldn’t help but laugh and shake his head at her.

She frowned.  “What?”

“Do you hear yourself?” His laughter died down and he fixed her with a serious expression. “Your relationship is on the rocks, so you think you should have died?”

“It’s not that simple, Nathaniel,” Lucia stated tersely, “Defeating the Archdemon without a Grey Warden dying still involved a sacrifice.  Something I had to ask of Alistair. We made the decision together with the expectation that we would face the consequences together.”

“But you left,” Nathaniel remarked, “And now you think that everything that has happened since then is your fault.”

“Yes.”

“That’s bullshit,” he stated firmly, and she flinched, clearly not expecting him to argue.

“I caused this,” she protested, “If I had just died like I was supposed to none of this would have happened.”

“Maybe not, but you’d be dead, and the world would be worse for it.”

“I—thank you.” A lone tear rolled down her cheek and she didn’t stop it this time. “I must sound like such a whiny child.”

“You sound like someone who has been through too much to only be—“ he trailed off, attempting to recall if she’d ever told him her age.  If she had, he couldn’t remember. “How old are you anyway?”

“Nineteen.”

“ Nineteen? Andraste’s blood.”  She was even younger than he expected, barely more than a child.  

“I know.  I am old enough that I should be able to handle things like this.  It’s just a bump in a relationship, not the end of the world.”

“Nineteen… and you raised an army, killed an Archdemon.” He laughed in disbelief.  “You saved Ferelden.”

“After all of that, you would think I’d be better at managing my personal affairs,” Lucia shook her head and sighed.

“Are you even listening?” Nathaniel raised his voice slightly, frustrated. “ I am trying to tell you that you’re being too hard on yourself.”

“But—“

“When I was nineteen, I was in Starkhaven, drinking too much and making incredibly poor decisions.”

“Worse than mine?”

“I ignored years of letters from someone I loved, and threw myself into a relationship with someone else I didn’t love because it was convenient.” He shrugged. “So, I don’t know.  It depends on what qualifies as worse.”

“I can’t imagine you doing something like that.”  Her brows pressed together, lips curling into a frown. “You’re such a thoughtful person.”

“That’s just it,” he answered, lips twitching into a smirk, “Everyone makes stupid mistakes when they’re young. Everyone behaves selfishly from time to time.”

“I don’t know that I appreciate my current situation being reduced down to youthful behavior.  It feels more serious than that.” Lucia’s expression was sour, but she laughed anyway.

”It always does.”

“Do you regret your decisions?”

“Every day.” He sighed and offered her a reassuring smile. “I wish I had recognized my mistakes when I was nineteen, instead of wasting years of my life trying to figure it out.”

“Did you figure it out,”Lucia asked, bright eyes blinking at him, her hands on her chin.

“That’s why I came to Denerim.”

“Your ‘personal business,’ right.  I wondered, but did not feel it was my place to ask.” She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head slightly, as if attempting to read his mind, and he suddenly felt very self-conscious.

“The reason I hesitated to tell you about Elissa is that she is the reason I am here,” he confessed.  “I love her. I thought my opinion would be biased.”

“Oh.” Lucia’s smile dropped from her face.  “I’m sorry. I have been so caught up in my own concerns.  I didn’t even think. I can’t imagine you feel any better about seeing her and Alistair together than I do.”

“It wasn’t my favorite thing to walk in on, but it doesn’t really matter.”  Nathaniel laughed and raked a hand through his hair. It was more embarrassing to speak about than he would have anticipated.  “I’m just happy that she is alive, that I got to see her again at all.”

Lucia stared blankly at the grain of the wooden table, something it seemed all of the women in his life tended to do when they were thinking.  

“What’s on your mind,” he asked.

“I suppose I am having a harder time dealing with all of this than you are.”  She looked up at him and smiled. “I have very negative thoughts about Alistair and Elissa both.”

“That’s only fair.”

“I wish I could forget it all, pretend none of this ever happened.”  She slammed her fist down on the table as she spoke, and a small patch of ice formed where her fist landed. “Damn it,” she hissed at the lapse of control and stood up abruptly, her eyes wide and jaw clenched, “I need to get some air.”

“Are you going to be all right?”

“Yes,” she replied with a decisive nod, “Thank you, Nathaniel. For everything.”

Lucia turned and left the room before he had the opportunity to tell her he did nothing to warrant a thanks, but she probably would not have accepted that response anyway.  She was an interesting woman, so mature and responsible and some ways, despite being completely inexperienced in others. There was nothing he could say that would make her broken heart ache any less, nothing that would relieve her anger. She would have to give herself permission to feel them, a lesson Nathaniel could stand to learn himself.  He hoped, for her sake, she figured it out sooner than he did.

Nathaniel did not need to worry about nightmares, as sleep eluded him entirely.  He lay awake as hour by painstaking hour passed by, mind buzzing, until he could bear it no longer.  He sighed forcefully and got out of bed, walking to a desk at the other side of the excessively spacious room.  Thankfully, the fire still burned in the fireplace, warming the room, and providing plenty of light for him to see what he was doing.  Taking a few pieces of parchment from one of the drawers, he sat down to write.

Tom,

I received your letter, and as much as I want to be angry that you’ve runoff to Maker-Knows-Where, Antiva, and asked me to keep this a secret from our sister, I am only relieved to hear that you are alive and happy.  I know that I’ve been a piss poor excuse for a brother since I left for Starkhaven. I should have stayed in contact with you and Delilah, written more often, come home sooner. I should have stood up to Father in the first place and protected you both. For all I pretended to be brave, I was just a frightened little boy.  I am sorry that I failed you.

I am a Grey Warden now— long story, but it has been good for me.  The work is distasteful to put it lightly, but it is honorable, and something I can be proud of.  I remember how Father hated the Wardens because our grandfather abandoned his family to join the ranks, never to be heard from again.  I can’t say why, but I no longer believe that story. If you ever decide to come back from the dead, I will have to introduce you to some of my comrades; there is a dwarf, Oghren, who I think you’d get along with rather well.

Delilah’s married. And pregnant, due in just under a month if I have kept proper track of it all.  She and her husband fled from Amaranthine to Kirkwall to escape disease and darkspawn. He has family there, and the last I heard everyone is safe and happy.  She misses you. I’m sending something of hers along with the letter. She once gave it to me, but I think it would better serve you now.  

It is good that you’ve stopped drinking. I’m proud of you, and for more reasons than just that.

I hope that Antiva treats you well.  Stay out of trouble.

Love,

Nathaniel

Nathaniel tugged at the collar of his shirt and pulled at the twine that held Delilah’s tiny golden ring she’d given him when he spent his first summer in Highever. It had been his constant reminder that he was loved, and it kept him company for many, many years.  He did not need it anymore. He had Delilah, he had the Wardens, he had Fergus, and if the Maker willed it, he would have Liss, too. Nathaniel knew that Thomas would be fine, but sentimentality got the better of him and wanted his brother to have it. He removed the ring from his neck, and tucked it inside an envelope along with the letter, and sealed it with a wax stamp.  He would take it to the Antivan contact later, when the market opened.

Placing the envelope to the side, he picked up another piece of parchment and placed it in front of him.  He still had one more letter to write.

Dear Liss,

I think we can both agree that this letter is long overdue.  I am not certain where to begin, other than to say that I am sorry for never writing to you .  I was young, stupid, and hurting so much that I could hardly stand it. Losing you was like losing a limb, some large part of myself that I could learn to live without, but only if I pretended I never had it in the first place.  I am not saying it was a good choice, but it was the only way I knew how to cope. It was selfish and inconsiderate, and I hope that you can forgive me.

I have many regrets, the biggest being that I never told you how I felt about you.  There is no time like the present, I suppose. Even if it is too late, I need you to know, or it will drive me crazy for the rest of my life.

The truth is, Liss, I love you.  I have loved you since the day you crawled out from under my bed on my first night in Highever, and I wasn’t even old enough to know what love was.  I just knew that being near you made me feel better, and that there was nowhere else in Thedas I wanted to be. It frustrated me to no end that you could not see all that I saw in you, that you thought you were so average. You could not be average if you tried.

I want you to know that regardless of where we go from here, no matter what happens between us, I won’t think any differently.  You were my best friend, and all of the memories from my childhood I care to keep are with you and your family. I do not know what I would have done without you.

I missed you, Liss, more than words could accurately convey.  I know you are tired of apologies, but I don’t care. I am sorry that I never told you any of this before.  I am sorry that I was so terrified of my father that I let him come between us. I am sorry if I ever once made you think I didn’t care about you.  I am sorry that I waited until the night before I left to dance with you, to kiss you. More than anything else, I am sorry that I wasted nine years of my life pretending that I could be happy without you.

It is good to finally see you again.

Sincerely Love,

Nathaniel

He folded the parchment and and breathed deeply, only then realizing that he’d been holding his breath.  All of his feelings were right there, on one small slip of parchment. It would be as easy as handing it to Liss, or leaving it somewhere for her to find. It would be even easier to ball up the letter and toss it into the fireplace, but then he’d be in the same position as when he started. He decided to do neither, to compromise with himself, and place it in his pack for safe-keeping.  At the very least, it would be a reminder for all he needed to say when he found the courage to tell her in person. He would prefer to tell her in person anyway.

Writing the letters had not taken as long as Nathaniel expected, and since returning to bed would be a fruitless endeavor, he got dressed and decided to get some air.  As he walked out of his room and down the hall he wondered if Lucia had ever found her peace, or if she’d struggled to sleep as well. He doubted she had been successful.  The woman barely slept on the best of days.

He reached the vestibule and images of Liss running toward him flashed behind his eyelids when he blinked.  He could still smell her perfume, her hair, proof that he had not simply imagined her presence. He pushed past the heavy wooden doors that lead out to the courtyard, and the crisp air of early morning.  Stars still hung in the night sky, even as the sun peeked up from the horizon in subtle pink rays.

Nathaniel stepped out further into the courtyard and past bunches of evergreen plants that stubbornly flourished despite the weather. There was a rustle of something— fabric maybe—, footsteps, and he noticed a person several feet before him, silhouetted by the moons’ light, though he would have recognized Liss anywhere.  She sat on a stone bench, staring up and out into the sky.

He approached her quietly, hoping not to startle her.  She flinched and stood abruptly as he reached the bench, turning swiftly and throwing her whole body into an attempt to punch him.  He noticed her intention, however, and caught her arm just before she hit him. She inhaled sharply, and looked up at him, trembling.  Her eyes were wide, mouth opened as if she were about to scream until she met his gaze and relaxed immediately. He could only imagine why her first instinct was to punch, why she looked so terrified.  He was glad his father was dead.  

“Nate,” she said in acknowledgment, as he released her arm.  “I— I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he assured her firmly, “Its my fault for startling you.  I should know better.”

“Ever since the attack on the castle, I’ve been so jumpy,” she explained as if he’d asked her to, “It’s like my skin is on inside out.”  She laughed nervously, sat back down on the bench, and continued. “I have to stop punching people.”

“To be fair, it’s early.  You can’t have been expecting someone else to be here.” He took a seat beside her.

“I never expect to be the only person around,” she said, “That’s the problem. It’s always in the back of my mind that someone is waiting to hurt me.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Nathaniel admitted.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Liss shrugged. “That’s just how I am now.”  She brought her gaze to meet his, and offered him a smile that did not reach her eyes. “Why are you up so early? You always hated waking up early.”

“I still do.  Years of strict schedules while I was a squire did nothing to change my opinion about that.”  He paused and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Warden nightmares?”

He sat back up to shoot her a perplexed expression. How did she know about those? He remembered Alistair and resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “No, thankfully.  I just couldn’t sleep. What about you?”

“Sleep and I don’t have a good relationship these days,” Liss explained, “Every night, without fail, I wake up from nightmares in which I had to relive the night my family died.  It’s hard to go back to sleep after that, so I come here or walk the battlements, anything to get the smell of iron and smoke from my nose, to help me stop seeing my brother’s wife and son lifeless on the floor every time I close my eyes.”

As she spoke, Liss clenched her fists, tighter and tighter with each word, until her knuckles were white.  Tears formed in her eyes, and even in the dim light Nathaniel could tell she fought to hold them back. He still didn’t know what to say to her, especially since she had responded so poorly to his apologies before.  

He chose to say nothing, placing his hand over one of her clenched fists, to show her his sympathy rather than tell her.  She snapped her head toward him and glanced between his hand and his face a few times. A painful, tense moment passed before she opened her hand and laced her fingers through his.

An unexpected wave of heat rushed to his face, as if they had never held hands before.  They had, in fact, held hands many times, more than he could count, but it had been so long.  Her hands were no longer perfectly soft and delicate. Calluses marked her palms from wielding her sword, and her grip was more firm.  He had expected her to pull away from him, a subtle rejection of his concern and affection, but she didn’t, and now his heart climbed up his throat as if it intended to escape through his mouth.

“I am sorry that I snapped at you last night when you tried to apologize,” Liss said, breaking the silence and tension between them, “It was just the last thing I wanted to talk to you about.  My trip to Highever was… difficult, and I just— I wanted to think about anything else. I knew the sniveling mess it would make me.”

“I understand,” Nathaniel reassured her, brushing his thumb back and forth across her hand.

“One moment, I had everything.  I had a home, a family, and I was at least comfortable with who I was and my place in the world.” Tears dropped from her lashes as she spoke, and she squeezed his hand more tightly. “Then everything was taken from me all at once.  I spent an entire year alone and frightened, worried that your father would find me at any moment, that I’d be killed. I am ashamed. I should be stronger than this. Fergus has learned to cope with it, but I can’t.”

Liss lost her composure entirely and began to sob, tears streaming down her face, her shoulders shaking.  It broke his heart to see her this way, and to be powerless to make her feel better. There was nothing he could do, except sit with her as she grieved.  He remembered when his mother died, how Liss had come to his room, and how he’d been inconsolable. He had wanted her to stay then, even though she didn’t know how to help.  It had been good to not have to mourn alone.

Releasing her hand, he closed the distance between them and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, hugging her close to him.  She brought her tearful eyes up to look at him briefly before throwing her arms around him and pressing her face into his chest. He held her as she shook and sobbed, hands clinging to the fabric of his shirt.  It must have been so difficult for her, to lose everything and pretend to be strong, to hold it all back just to keep going. He wished he could have been there for her sooner, but he was there now, and he would hold her together so that she could fall apart.

Liss eventually calmed, but did not move from his embrace.  Her breath was warm against his tear-dampened shirt, and as she spoke, the words vibrated on his chest.  “See, this is exactly why I can’t talk about it,” she mumbled.

Nathaniel laughed.  “This is exactly why you need to,” he said, instinctively pressing a kiss to her hair.

Her head shot up at the gesture, and she examined him, eyes relentlessly searching his face for something he could not determine. The sun had risen higher above the horizon, brightening her face with a soft golden glow. It would be inappropriate to tell her she was beautiful now.  She would almost assuredly think he was mocking her, but he thought it. He couldn’t help but think it.  

“What is it,” he asked as she continued to stare at him so intently he wanted to squirm.

“I...um.” She seemed lost, and glanced around as she searched for an answer.  “Nothing. Never mind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Mhmm!” She laughed nervously despite the confidence she tried to convey, and pulled away from him,  standing up and straightening out her skirt. “I should probably go and get cleaned up. We have a council meeting today, and I would prefer to not look like this.”  She motioned to her face with her hands.

Liss turned to walk away but froze in her tracks and spun back around to look at him.  “Thank you, Nate,” she said softly, “Talk to you later?”

“Of course.” He nodded and she smiled in return before heading into the palace.