#cousin lumpy

Is there a version of the mullet for species with lekku? What about species with fur? Is "business in the front, party in the back" an intergalactic concept? :)

I cannot believe that someone asked about nonhuman mullet equivalents, and that it wasn’t @hey-its-starface. If I ever get an anon ask about mullets, bro is Suspect #1.

Hey—thanks sister, I’m glad to hear that! I find it really interesting too. I did minor in Nonhuman Studies after all.

My cousin Lumpy had kind of a mullet thing going on for a while. (Chewbacca’s kid. I forget how many years old he is actually, ‘cause Wookiees live a long time, but life-stage-wise he’s just a little older than me.) He didn’t cut his hair, though, because that’s not something Wookiees do. It’s like a sentient rights violation to them. He just kinda gelled it up so it was slick on the sides and poofed up on top. Auntie Malla was not a fan.

There are ways to “style” lekku, but not like hair. It’s not as if you can cut them. Lekku styling mainly consists of hats, headpieces, ribbons, and jewelry. I guess also tattoos? A lot of Twi’leks are born with lek markings, but some aren’t. Vataash, Fannie’s oldest half-brother, doesn’t have any natural markings, but he does have a tattoo. He boasts that he was awake when he had it done, but I have my doubts. Lekku are extremely sensitive, even though they hang out there in a vulnerable way. Kinda like…wait, no, I’m gonna behave and not say that actually.

Now that you’ve brought it up, I’ve spent all day trying to figure out what a mullet for lekku would look like. I think the closest approximation would be if maybe a Twi’lek bound their lekku together near the top, and let them hang down behind? But that would pretty much just be a ponytail, wouldn’t it?

Actually, manipulating lek position is kind of a thing. I don’t have the eye for it, but apparently it’s supposed to be sexier if lekku are lifted up and perky at the base, instead of heavy and drooping. Kinda like…nope, I’m not gonna say that either.

I think I forgot to mention this, but Luke did send me a birthday note and one of his signature care packages. There was a mini bantha crochet plushie in it, which I named Mini-Ren.

I also have a feeling I know who made the plush.

Anyway, all that to say—I think he was trying to show that he wasn’t mad at me. And I don’t really understand why, but…I guess it’s a good thing.

Actually? Ever since Uncle Luke got in yesterday, he’s seemed kind of…depressed. And it’s weird being a grown-up, because I notice stuff like that now. I don’t think Rey has really picked up on it.

Still, I guess I’m on this council but not granted the rank of grown-up, because I overheard Mom talking to Dad in a hushed tone and I heard her mention Luke…but, when I tried to join the conversation, I got promptly kidzoned. By which I mean Mom abruptly turned to me and said “Hi, sweetie!” about an octave too high—which I knew roughly translated to “Access denied: you have not gained enough XP to unlock this conversation.”

Hm. The “your mother will permanently see you as the age you had your mental break at” phenomenon should really be studied, I think.

Well, I re-gifted it to Lumpy and his girlfriend. If history repeats itself, it will be their first and last.

Or...? I suppose bro could just...hold onto the ornament indefinitely, in the aftermath of each inevitable breakup, and thus have unlimited Life Day gifts for unlimited girlfriends, forever into the eons to come.

But—Wookiees live a long time, you know. At this current pace of one girlfriend per Life Day, Lumpy is at real risk of quickly exhausting his dating pool.

I’ve never seen one shaped like this before! You know what candy sticks are really good for? Stirring in tea. Mmm. (Of which I’ve had like three cups since I last posted, ‘cause that’s what I do to un-depress myself.)

So, not only am I third-wheeling it over here, I’m triple-third-wheeling it. Because my parents are together, Chewie and his wife are together, and then there’s Waroo and his date.

Oh yeah. I guess Uncle Luke is here.

Last year, I left Ren the Bantha of Indeterminate Gender or Origin at home instead of bringing them to Kashyyyk, because they were still new and I was still self-conscious about being seen with them. But I brought them this time, since I didn’t anticipate that Lumpy—I mean, that Waroo and I would be chumming it up that much tonight, what with his lady caller and all.

This way, while Waroo and his girlfriend are making out in the living room or whatever, I can hide in the corner and play with my stuffed animal. Because I’m a kriffing grownup, I guess.

So Ren is here now, and therefore it’s their first authentically-celebrated Life Day! I was so excited for them—but then that excitement quickly became mortification, when I strolled past the kitchen and caught a whiff of...you guessed it...Auntie Malla’s classic bantha rump roast.

I mean, yikes. Like, what would I do if someone brought me to an Ewok party where spit-roasted human was the main course.

So, out of respect for Ren, I think I’ll have to go vegetarian tonight. Which is not an easy thing to do when you’re eating with Wookiees, and...in fact I’ll run the risk of being thought quite rude. Wookiees can be rather particular about such things...

...And Malla’s roast is always super good. Stirred and whipped to perfection.

...Not to mention it’s also kind of my favorite part of Life Day.

...Plus, I forgot to eat breakfast.

Dude, I can’t just eat roots and greens tonight. I’m a growing boy. My strict workout regimen of lying in bed all day and binge-watching holodramas doesn’t feed itself, you know. How else am I supposed to stay totally shredded?

Yep, every year! Me and my parents and usually Uncle Luke fly down to Kashyyyk and hang out with Chewie and Auntie Malla and Lumpy—

Oh wait, no, he goes by “Waroo” now. I forgot.

I mean, I guess I can understand why he doesn’t want to be called “Lumpy” anymore, but all of us have been calling him Lumpy forever. It would be like if I suddenly changed my name to like, kriffing “Kybo Ren the Space Pirate” or something stupid and demanded that everyone call me that instead of Ben.

And you know what kriffing else? Waroo has a girlfriend now. A kriffing girlfriend. He’s been sending me holos all week, and I’ve had to think of creative ways to approve his taste in women even though I really couldn’t care less. And I guess Waroo’s also really proud of the beard he’s growing?

I wouldn’t necessarily call us “friends.” We don’t see each other very often, and we’re basically just cousins who stick together out of necessity when the grownups are doing their own thing.

…For example, when the grownups are a bit tipsy after a few drinks and me and Lumpy have to hide out in his room and ignore them.

I hope Mom hasn’t had that much… I don’t want to have to be the one to fly us home tonight. (I mean it’d probably be illegal anyways but my dad doesn’t care.) I really don’t need that kind of blood on my hands—I mean…responsibility.

Luke sent us a basket of baked goods that he made and some scarves that he knitted (upon the insistence that my parents and I take a family holo of us wearing them and send it to him). We’ll do more presents later tonight.

My parents and I are on our way to Kashyyyk to visit Chewie and his family. We’ve been exchanging holos and stuff but I haven’t seen him in person for several months, and I’m overdue for a big ol’ Wookiee hug. Luke is going to meet us at Chewie’s home.

Chewie’s got a kid named Lumpy, who’s about my age (in Wookiee years, I mean). He and I used to go out adventuring when we were younger, climb trees and vines and stuff. Now we just kinda stay inside and raid the refrigerator and play hologames. Dude stuff, I guess.