#coryanne

Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken: Magnificent and Dangerous Women of House Nymeros Martell — 12/20.

Aliandra Martell was a ruling Princess of Dorne and head of House Nymeros Martell.

The daughter of Prince Qoren Martell, Aliandra came young into her seat. She was a fiery woman and saw herself as a new Nymeria.

Aliandra was married to Drazenko Rogare. As well, she showed great favor to Lord Alyn Velaryon, when he visited Sunspear. They met during his first great journey, when his campaign to defend the westerlands from Dalton Greyjoy, brought him to Sunspear, and they met again when he returned from the Sunset Sea.

Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken: Magnificent and Dangerous Women of House Nymeros Martell — 14/20.

Coryanne was the youngest daughter of Prince Qoren Martell and the twin-sister of Prince Qyle. Coryanne became the ruling Princess of Dorne at the age of 25 after the death of her elder sister and ruling Princess of Dorne Aliandra.

She married Quinlan Qorgyle, however Quinlan’s nephew Manfryd was the love of her life. Coryanne gave birth to four children: Marence, Cadan, Rhodry and Ariana. She had numerous descendants, among them Marence’s heirs Princess Myriah who married King Daeron II Targaryen, Prince Maron who married Princess Daenerys Targaryen, Princess Vanora and Prince Malor, Cadan’s children Princess Leyla and Prince Aron, Rhodry’s bastard son Lewyn Sand and bastard twins Oberyn Sand and Roxana Sand, and Ariana’s son Cletus Yronwood.

Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken: Magnificent and Dangerous Women of House Nymeros Martell — 16/20.

Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken: Magnificent and Dangerous Women of House Nymeros Martell — 15/20.

Ariana was the youngest child and the only daughter of Princess Coryanne Martell and Ser Quinlan Qorgyle. During the reign of her elder brother Prince Marence and Daeron the Young Dragon’s Conquest of Dorne Ariana and her another brother Prince Cadan were hostages at the Red Keep. In 161 AC she was among the hostages that were returned to Dorne personally by King Baelor the Blessed.

Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken: Magnificent and Dangerous Women of House Nymeros Martell — 13/20.

2. Farewell to CoryAnne

I can’t let the cycle end without one last send-up of CoryAnne, right?

I’ve got to agree with @potledomland - for a woman most of us assume is pretty dull, we did manage to derive a lot of entertainment from her character. And all of that entertainment factor is on full display in the finale.

I mean, fuck, she even enters a room in an entertaining manner.

Werk.

And look at her slither forward like some kind of lizard at panel. Whoever dressed her in that monstrosity is as cold-blooded as CoryAnne looks.

For someone who has modeling in her DNA, she doesn’t seem to understand how a photo spread works.

When the other girls confirm that, duh, fashion spreads feature different outfits on every page, CoryAnne orgasms.

I guess, like Rita, she likes to play dress up.

For each magical dress the stylists put CoryAnne in that day, she serves up a different iconic pose.

Look at her throw her head back like she’s some damsel in distress.

Look at her climb into bed with her one true love: a cake with her name on it.

Look at her seductively dangle a telephone from her foot.

Look at her spread her legs and put a telephone at her crotch.

Ring ring. “Oh, hello? CoryAnne, it’s for you! It’s Success calling!”

At the fashion show, CoryAnne gets a surprise endorsement from Courtney (my best guess is that she wants the judges to choose the second best “actress” in the house, since that way she can better claim she was robbed), plus encouragement from the twins. All three of them are serving FACE in this moment.

Going into the final judgment, CoryAnne thinks she might have this competition wrapped up. She calls herself a quadruple threat…

… then lists five talents. Hey, look, it’s not like she listed math as one of her killer skills, so cut her some slack!

This is how CoryAnne reacts to a compliment from Ashley.

Unfortunately, Rita’s not as sold on CoryAnne’s photograph. Law isn’t either.

For the record, you won’t be seeing ANY of these girls on cover of Paper because, as we damn well know, the winner has been regulated to having a “cover photo” on PaperMag.com.

CoryAnne seems a little shellshocked when she’s eliminated, but she’s thankful for the experience, which she credits with repairing her relationship with her mom. All it took was following exactly in her mom’s footsteps for her mother to show some interest in her!

She also says that we’ll see her again, promising that big things are coming.

BIG THINGS.

Given how much fun CoryAnne turned out to be, I’m going to hold her to it!

Being on the cover of a magazine is a big accomplishment for a model. After all, who could forget Eugena’s Playboy cover?

Or McKey’s cover shoot for Vogue Knitting?

That’s why the ANTM girls get genuinely excited when they learn that they’ll be shooting a cover for Paper Magazine. “Only a superstar gets the cover of Paper,” Drew tells us. (Rita’s been on the cover twice, how hard it can be?)

Drew means what he says about superstars, though. And if you’re wondering, “The Top Model contestants aren’t superstars, so how come they get to be on the cover?” that’s because they actually won’t.

Drew, acting as if he hasn’t just got the girls’ hopes up, clarifies that for “the winner of America’s Next Top Model, this cover will be published and viewed by the world on PaperMag.com.”

The disappointment is pretty plain to see on the contestants’ faces and I can’t believe the editors don’t edit around it like they normally would.

That ain’t a cover, Drew. Call me old-fashioned, but a cover has to, well, COVER something. Otherwise it’s just another photo on a website.

It may be on the “world wide web,” but it’s not as if the world visits PaperMag.com. Unless there’s some new Kim Kardashian ass shots on their way, more people will definitely see these photos on this tv show than they will at that website.

Speaking of disappointments, Mickey Boardman is back to “help” out.

Still not a cover, Mickey! Mickey’s like the gay best friend you never wanted but keeps showing up anyway. In obscenely sparkly shirts, no less.

Courtney swears she’s going to do great at this shoot because beauty shots are her forté. Cody isn’t so convinced, though.

While the finished product is definitely intriguing, the exaggerated cheek indentations, strong eyebrows, and pouted lips read kinda Zoolander to me:  

CoryAnne’s “cover” gets a similar movie reference when Drew compares it to a Tim Burton character. There is something super Helena Bonham Carter about her here.

Drew also think she looks old. “Elderly” is a little cruel, but to be honest, when I look at CoryAnne, I tend to see 30 rather than 19.

Fortunately for CoryAnne, the other judges love her shot because they think she’s finally giving some “attitude,” which is the one thing that’s been missing from her modeling.

Hold up. The judges think CoryAnne doesn’t have enough attitude? They clearly need to see some footage from the house. Remember how she started the episode complaining that India is dull?

Oh, honey. If I had my window open during that scene, I bet I could have heard America collectively laughing at her for that. CoryAnne’s so boring that I had to take a nap just thinking about her.

Speaking of India, she wears a giant Koosh ball and is stunning per usual. Looking at the shot, though, before Law can even mention it, I said to myself, “Whoa, she really looks like Gigi Hadid there.”

Ashley doesn’t think that’s a problem because India can “make this work for [her.]” I’m not entirely sure how… unless India’s looking to get into the celebrity impersonation game. Like, she could definitely get paid five figures to shoot porn in a darkened room that would later get labeled “Gigi Hadid Leaked Sex Tape.”

Rita also isn’t too concerned about India’s Gigi-ness, explaining that when she started getting famous, everyone compared her look to other celebrities. That, or they were just so unfamiliar with Rita that they started guessing vaguely famous people’s names that they’ve heard mentioned before in the hopes that they might accidentally guess right.

No one has more trouble at the shoot than Tash. She wants to use her cover to “save the children.”

This results in a lot of awkward hand posing, which Drew repeatedly discourages her from doing to no avail.

He reminds her that they just want her to be herself, but that’s a difficult instruction for someone who doesn’t think of herself as a “herself” but as a twin.

Tash’s photo is clearly the worst. Law is the only judge to attempt to compliment the photo and he totally bungles it up in a way that would seem pretty damn racist if it weren’t coming from a fellow black person.

Strike that, I still think it’s racist. 

Moving on, Ashley says one of her challenges in the modeling industry was learning to restrain her poses and just be natural.

Ah, so THAT’S why Rita was asked to be on the panel. She may not be a model, but she sure knows how to stand there.

You know who else is good at doing nothing? This week’s best photo winner Cody. She just goes on set, looks straight into the camera, and the judges love it. I mean, it’s no National Geographic cover, but I suppose Paper Magazine would be honored to put it on its cover website.

2. Beautiful Disasters

Soooooo… what the hell was this exactly?

I’ve wasted a lot of time trying to think of how to describe this “beauty video” nonsense, to no avail. Let’s just agree that putting wigs on the girls, having them act crazy and smear cosmetics on their faces, and then playing the videos in reverse is a terrible idea.

Ultimately, the judges don’t really have many kind things to say about anyone’s video, and to that I can only say, “Duh.” Like, what were they expecting when they conceived this concept? Did they have have anyone test it out to see if it’d actually look good?

Having them do only one take doesn’t help either. From a logistical standpoint, I get it - it’d take forever to clean the girls up, reapply the makeup, and send them back out for another try. But still!

India “wins” the day, but she definitely benefits from the fact that they have edited the final product generously; I originally assumed the one-take would air straight with no cuts. Having her wig get stuck would have ruined her otherwise.

Still, it’s a better showing than Tatiana, who complains to the judges after the fact that the makeup doesn’t suit her. Drew tells her two things:

That she never said that to him at the shoot when he could have helped her

The shoots are not all about Tatiana so she needs to not second-guess the make-up artists.

Uhh, which is it? Should she have expressed her displeasure or zipped her lips? I’m legitimately confused on her behalf.

As I see it, CoryAnne does worse than Tatiana after going full on crazy during her shoot. She’s lucky she cries in front of the judges so they feel too bad about sending her home. Even if she does look all bloody like Carrie.

Law makes a different comparison:

I wasn’t aware calling someone a hooker - from any continent - is a compliment. To me, she looks more like a cruddy Donatella Versace impersonator in that wig.

(Do you notice a change? Because I sure don’t.)

No one does worse than Cody, who ignores Drew’s feedback during the shoot and just smears the make-up ALL over her face.

Poor Cody, Picasso was never appreciated in his own time either. Courtney thinks Cody’s face reminds her of something else.

Ha! The real question is which unicorn is the face pooper?

Vote for the culprit in the comments!

You may be thinking, why is Courtney talking so much crap about her contestants? Well, Courtney absolutely does the best job on the day - that’s comparatively speaking, I wouldn’t call it a great job altogether - first call-out be damned.

Some would say she was born for this role!

To her credit, Courtney is the only one who understands that keeping a beautiful face takes precedent over the acting crazy directive.

Painful orgasm is probably the best this shoot could have looked like. How ‘bout you just give us a normal photo shoot next week, ANTM?