This conversation was on my Twitter feed and it absolutely delineates exactly why Tumblr is better for conversations on sexuality/identity and/or pronouns.
I chimed in and defended user @gwalright since everybody seemed to be attacking them for trying to explain why the second girl reacting the way she did to the original poster was wrong and extremely insensitive despite her may not realizing it being so.
This was what I added: "Let me jump in a second even though you may not want me. @gwalright is just explaining how there really is no such thing as "obvious pronouns" anymore, so when the girl reacted the way she did, it was as if she was saying a woman looks a certain way and can only look that way.
Now while that isn't directly transphobia, a transgender or non-binary could see this and say that it is because cispeople do not get to decide what is transphobic or not. If they feel that that comment is insensitive no matter how the person may have intended it - it is. You see, it's an ignorance and exclusion of trans and non-binary issues to assume that any bodytype is she/her. That girl was attacking that poster not for not realizing that she was a girl. But because he should have already known by the way her body looked. She said it was obvious she was a woman because of what her body looked like in that picture.
The poster might have thought the same however they could have been like "Wait, what if I'm wrong? Better ask for pro-nouns." They were being considerate and she attacked them for it. What she gave off in reacting like she did was a very TERF-y like attitude. She never thought for one second that just because she identifies by the pronouns she/her, it doesn't mean anyone else who may have the same or similar bodytype would. The assumption was the issue.
And you see, I've done the same here too. Assumed the poster is a "he". It's really easy to be ignorant or oblivious of trans and non-binary issues when you're cisgender because you identify by your assigned sex. Not everyone does. And no matter how much of a minority that "not everyone" is, it still matters. It always matters."
If you do not know what pronouns someone goes by, please don't just assume and call them based on what they look like to you.
Use "they/them" until you are sure.
If the person does not want to give you their pronouns, ask "is it okay if I use they/them?"
If they say no and provide no alternative for you to call them, then they're being uncooperative and you should just stop talking to them altogether. They're expecting you to get it right first time. But it's not obvious and a conversation on sexuality/identity works both ways.
I know it's not normal to do this but we need to normalize it lest we misgender someone or make them feel excluded or extremely uncomfortable with who they are. It's hard enough navigating in a society that doesn't understand neurodiversity and the inner-beingness of a person at any level. But this is really quite basic and we need to get used to it as such because things aren't always the way they seem and what it "looks like" to you may not be the way it is or the way someone else "sees" it as. Be mindful of that and be considerate enough when just meeting somebody to ask for their pronouns. It's not an insult. If they react to it as such - it is them who need education. Not you.