About the 13 year old being called a terf. I feel like it is gross to reduce someone to their genitals, but it's also not A+ to demean people for not wanting to have sex w a certain type of genitals. Like idk I just don't feel right about it. It's not something that bothers me bc I'm pan, but I understand where people could be coming from. And some people are penis/vagina-repulsed because of trauma and other reasons. I just feel like we have to look closely at the issue
The issue was not her dislike of penises. It was that she was being transmysoginistic, and writing off all trans women as romantic partners because some of them have penises. Specifically she used terf language, and that's not okay.
If someone does not like engaging with penises sexually, that's completely fine. There's no requirement to. But you aren't going to ask a potential date what their genitals are (You are not, because it's rude and transphobic.), the only time it would come up if you were about to have sex.
Then, you simply say "Oh, I'm sorry I don't like sex with penises. Can we hang out instead?" And then you do not have sex. Romantic relationships do not require sex.
I apologize for not outlining this in the ask, I was primarily concerned with the language she used. She's young, she's got the time to unlearn harmful things, to educate herself on trans issues, specifically intersecting issues that affect trans lesbians. I want to emphasize that she needs to learn.