#constructive lists

“Nothing prepares you more for the real world than an obscenely well-established Internet presence.”

Charles Robert Darwin, The Origin of Tumblr (1916)

I cannot stress enough how much I agree with Mr. Darwin on this one. Of course, his famous statement has been proven time and time again, quite exhaustively, by every single wealthy, respectable research institute, and by no means is there is absolutely any reason for you to go fact-checking it. Stay with me here.

I am going to be telling you some things and many of them will surprise you. First and foremost, a fact of which you were likely unaware is that, while it is grammatically illegal and functionally lazy, starting a piece of literature with a block-quote like the one above is the number one most effective means by which the author can both draw the reader into the narrative, and simultaneously bore the reader to tears. I say that only because I feel like you are all wondering what that sickly feeling is in your stomachs; it is the motion sickness caused by the roller coaster of emotions through which I have just put you. It is called literary genius, and i have most of it.

The second most effective method by which the author can draw in the reader to the point of boredom tears is using mind-numbingly proper grammar at all times. Those of you still reading at this point will notice that I have adhered now to method one and method two, in order of effectiveness, and also in order of appearance.

What I am trying to say is that I have started a Tumblr blog for the following well-thought-out, logically-sound, and absurdly-irrefutable reasons:

Facebook is seriously getting on everyone’s very last nerve and everyone definitely knows it.

Twitter lets the poster use 140 characters or less in order to make a statement, and anyone who posts several simultaneous tweets in order to get his or her point across is tried and convicted of figurative Blogging Treason and thus cast into the figurative Blogging Lake of Fire for all of figurative and literal eternity.

While we refuse to admit it publicly, there is nothing that satisfies each and every one of us more than to see a notification that someone has Liked or Commented on a Facebook post, or that someone has retweeted your tweet. It’s like the stork delivered you a baby, but when you unravel the handkerchief, it is actually a baby (hi there, baby! aren’t you the cutest) but the baby metaphorically represents your self-esteem and it just went up a little. That analogy was really dumb. Moving on!

There is a lot of mindless drivel out there on the Internet. No one is arguing that. For example, I spent three (3!) hours last night on YouTube trying to find a video of Elton John singing “Tiny Dancer” but specifically one where he sings the high notes in the chorus. Did you know? Surprisingly difficult! I only found two. The rest of them, he sings a low harmony and some backup singers do the high notes. It accomplished nothing in the grand scheme of anything and it most definitely was a waste of time, one of the more wasteful wastes of time that I can readily think of. Even describing it was a waste of time! MOVING ON AGAIN