Constelic is such a massive part of my identity, alterhuman-wise and just in general. But it can be a little difficult to talk about, so I’m taking the time to think it through before I explain it. I don't think I'll have any kind of broader point or conclusion, I just want to talk about it.
Also, I definitely recommend reading the newest page for it that I wrote up a little while ago. I hope it's easy to understand? Anyways.
For me, being constelic is being in a constant state of shifting identity. New things can be incorporated, and old (or even not-so-old) things can fade away and disappear. Even without any stels, I’m always in that state of possibility, for something else to come along without me even realizing it and shape my identity to some degree for days, weeks, months, maybe even years in some cases. I don’t choose my stels, they just sort of… come along. I often don’t expect them to, and while sometimes they can take a long time to become fully adopted, a lot of the time it’s incredibly quick, I don’t even realize it until a bit later and I go, “oh!”
People can focus so intensely on how strong the identification is, if you identify fully as it, identify with it, or what, but constelic just never really fit into that for me. I don’t know how I’d describe them and honestly I think it depends, and more honestly than that, I don’t think it matters in my case anyways. The point of constelic, for me, is that state of constant shifting, that constant change I am always going through, the way different things will push and pull me like a tide, and the way they can all link together like a constellation (hence the name.) Obviously, you don’t need to experience that ebb and flow like I do, I don’t think everyone who uses constelic does, and I find that really interesting. I always wonder how it feels for others, because for me it is very cyclic, though there are pauses sometimes.
When I was younger, I was in what people call “KFF” spaces, and I now know that I was definitely having my constelic awakening, I just didn’t have the right words for it yet. Those identities mattered to me, even if they were not kintypes. I feel a bit hurt when people who didn’t have that experience claim that they don’t, that because they were more "casual" in some cases, they didn’t matter, or they didn’t significantly inform my identity, because they did.
Stels I don’t have anymore, ones that have since faded away with time, still kinda resonate with me a little. I still feel that tiny little sparked ember of remembrance, even if it doesn’t remain anymore. I still get a little jump in my chest when I see that thing, or that character, or whatever, because even though it’s not a part of me anymore, it was, and that still matters to me.
