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A typical day in the Batstantine household:
Bruce: Today John decided to be a "good boyfriend" and make me breakfast in bed based on my "usual diet". Which turned out to be a roll of duct tape and a packet of painkillers on a silver platter. All with a cheerful "Bone Apple tea".
Bruce: This is on the same level as Alfred showing me a drawing of a bathtub after stating he "drew me a bath".
Bruce: Even in Wayne Manor I can't escape the clowns.
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absolutely obsessed with what bruce and connie has going on
they should fuck about it
Hey, DC
Stop being cowards and just let them fuck already.
Okay so I recently learnt that John Constantine exists. And I love British rat men who don't have their shit together. But since I also know very little about the DCEU and didn't finish the Hellblazer comics yet, I just decided to ship Constantine and Batman. As one does. Anyway, here's an AU idea saved for the future:
Fake dating AU, where Bruce needs a fake date for some reason or another. Something something publicity, he can't use Clark or Diana or anyone else for an unspecified reason. John doesn't know Batman's true identity. Bruce has never heard of John, so he has no clue what he's getting himself into. They meet at a high end bar. Bruce looking for a fake partner, John riding the synchronicity wave and being in the right place at the right time (perhaps he's investigating something). John hits on him and Bruce realises, with a bit of cleaning up, John qualifies for high society and makes his proposal. John agrees because why not, could be fun, nice change of pace.
The plan works out smoothly, John can behave himself if he wants to, Bruce is nice company, so there's no loss there either. Except some time after, someone in the Batfam (I don't know who, I wish I knew them better) comes up to Bruce and goes "hey dad why the hell are you dating John fucking Constantine" and now Bruce hears about his reputation and oh god what has he done. Hijinks ensue. And yes, it would be a Batfam fic as well. Constantine having to deal with Bruce's kids and vice versa. Nobody really knowing how to handle John and John himself signed up for a hot fake boyfriend, maybe a bit more, but not that. And why the hell is Batman stalking him on his missions?
Chapters: 11/25 Fandom: DCU (Comics) Rating: Teen and Up Warnings: Consensual, non sexual hitting Relationships: John Constantine/Bruce Wayne Summary: John asks Bruce to hit him as hard as he can
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A Constantbat scenario that came to me in a shower:
Bruce: *high on the 'good drugs' after a fierce battle* John...hey John.
Constantine: *sighs* What is it now? Proof of Illuminati? Zuckerberg is actually a lizard man? What?
Bruce: *sways* Magic...is powered by imagination.
Constantine: ...fucking what?
Bruce: Think about it...if ghouls and vampires and demons are as... ancient as they say, why did they let a buncha monkeys become the dominant species? Why not take over? We're weaker than them, they should have no problems.
Constantine: ...
Bruce: My theory *sways* Izzat we imagined them into existence. They can't... exist without us.
Constantine: ...
Bruce: *finally gets knocked out* zzz...
Constantine:
Some Batstantine because I love it:
Constantine: My boyfriend has a disturbing collection of supernatural knowledge. Don't believe me? Watch this.
Constantine: Hey B, is it true that ghoul meat tastes like chicken?
Batman not even looking up from the screen: No. Ghoul meat tastes more like pork, only skinny and hard to bite through. Good if you're on a diet, but not if you need a lot of energy. Goes well with white wine and is regarded as a delicacy by the vampire high society.
Constantine: How does he know this shit??
Constantine: I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT SHIT!!!
