#consolid

[listening to: Jamie Cullum - High and Dry]

[drinking: glühwein]

[eating: glühwein]

People often tell me that I’m always so busy, that I do so much, that I never have free-time... And yeah, I guess it’s true to a certain extent. My list of things to do is - as the title suggests - long, and I’m constantly writing a chapter to the end of it, while editing the previous chapters at the same time. It’s exhausting, but it’s an ironic process and, to be honest, I wouldn’t know what I’d do without it.

By nature, I work better and more efficiently with a little bit of pressure to edge me along. The minute I have nothing to do, I lose motivation and I slump into an emotional and physically mess. I thrive off having plans and schedules and meetings and errands and projects and work and and and... It gets tiring, don’t get me wrong, but if I manage everything well then the benefits are not only two-fold, but have positive effects on all other areas in my life.

Granted, everything in moderation; I won’t deny that. But if I have a lot of things to get done, I tend to finish way ahead of schedule, which often leaves me with spare time at the end, and gives me those periodic breaths-of-air in between the chaos. Those I use for me-time and socialising, so it balances itself out well. Give me too much time, and I push things back later and later until a bunch of other things catch up with me, and then all of a sudden I peak my stress level and I not only produce work of a lower quality, but I don’t have that break before the entire cycle starts again.

Following on from that, for some reason the stuff I do when I’m under pressure is always so much better than when I have too much time to do it. Now, that does come with exceptions, but I tend to get through more and get through it better, or least more confidently, as compared to when I meander through doing something. I guess it could be because I can’t really afford myself enough time to overthink things - and both my intuition and gut are pretty damn good - which means I get it done and move on pretty efficiently.

Also, my mood is always so much higher when I have a list of things to check-off moment by moment. It’s like a bizarre physical, mental, emotional sensation of achieving things that gives me more motivation to continue. It’s a self-sufficient snow-ball system that, provided I keep it going, means I keep a really healthy and really feel-good momentum. It’s depressing when I lose that momentum, and 90% of my down-days are a result of losing that momentum.

Being so busy all the time also gives me new perspective, for which I have a genuine addiction. Aside from me dabbling my fingers into everything, and trying everything, and experiencing everything, and being on this committee and organising that event and taking on that position and doing those subjects... it also makes the time I do have off so incredibly meaningful. 

When I sit down with a friend, or family member, I engage with it and make memory of it as best I can, because I don’t know when next I’ll have this opportunity. If I read, I really try and imagine the scene, and digest the narrative, so that I can take something away from that 30 minutes I spend by myself. It’s a way of keeping-check of the things that I actually value in life, and the detachment from them on a 24/7 basis acts as a significant reminder that, “hey, this is special, don’t be distracted, live in this moment and only this moment.”

So yeah, you know, I am busy, but that’s what keeps me going. It’s one of those things.

I’ve been pretty swamped after last week’s lose-of-momentum (hint: yes, my moods were LOW), and I’m busy trying to catch-up a bit. I’ve been organising an entire competition which will be a fundraiser for my dance-club, I’ve been at dance practices and a competition this weekend (I did really well, so that was a really awesome reward for the work and time I’ve put in), I have university starting to pick-up again after the recent protests and shutdown, there were those as well... Things are just at that point right now, and I’m dealing with it as best I can, which is to make a to-do list, to stick to it, and to get it done, even if it means I’ll be writing another chapter or two a day.

Point is: I can’t afford to stagnate. Not now. I want to create value for myself, and work towards a momentum that allows me to be as productive as I want to be.

Cheerio amigos. Until next weekend (hopefully, haha).

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