#considering shit

On the one hand I could try to raise them blind to peoples gender race etc. But how do you do that what children's perceptions are shapped by absolutely EVERTHING around them. How can I preach to them a world of tolerance and accaptance when outside there are people making money off the suffering of others and making sexist remarks to a girl who decides she wants to dress in certain ways. Where religion has become a problem leading to blood shed and not the answer and absolution that I want it to be. where people still make judgements based on race and you should be afriad to walk down the streets alone at night. 

And I wouldn't be the only source of influence. If I was then my children would be in their own little bubble, but children for the most part can not be put in bubbles. Thats considered child abuse under most circumstances. 

The reason I turned out the way that i did was because I was left to my own devices mostly. Yes i was provided with a home clothing and food, but my life was pretty unstable growing up. My mom was so caught up with her husband that she pretty much bought me books and dolls and I was just left alone. I was an only child so I didn't really play with anyone but my imaginary friends. I also lived in a basement but thats a different story. 

So essentially who I am was forged in loneliness and neglect. I don't want my children to have the same experience. I don't want them to ever feel alone or neglected because A child shouldn't go through that. I'm not sure if I know HOW to parent though. I know I wont be able to handle it alone. So I also worry that if I do decide to marry someone and have children with them that they need to stay...

I dont know I just got an invitation for one of my friend's wedding. She's my age with two children and is getting married in a few months. I dont have much faith in marriage in general so is it wrong that I see their marriage flaming out within a few years? What if he just leaves her. i live too far away to help her if something like that happens but I dont think a mother with multiple children should ever have to do it alone.

I'm not saying single mothers are bad. I'm just saying I think everyone should have a support. My mom before she met last husband was supported by my grandparents. After that husband was supported by myself and her friend. I'm not saying these were IDEAL situations but yeah she still had someone. 

I dont know maybe i'm just super co-dependent, in the way that i dont want to function without someone to function with. I'm not saying a romantic partner because god knows I handle being single really well. But I need someone around me a friend or family member to just take my mind of this fucking depression I have to deal with. Not to dump it on them just for them to be a distraction for me.

Because I cant function without a distraction. the worst thing you can do is leave me to myself with nothing to do but think. I'd be sobbing on the floor scratching cuts into my arm in an hour.