#avarity

When propositioning someone for sex send then a text saying 

"You wanna bang?"

If the answer is a yes goodie for you enjoy that

If the answer is a no or a disgusted/disgruntled reply you send

When I held out the bag to her I she looked at me concerned and asked if it was my savings. The only thing I could THINK to say besides "No I'm fine!" was its just some change that I had left over from buying my lunches every day but I didnt say that because 1 It sounded so flippant, It felt like I was going to come off as saying "No I don't care about this money I don't need it I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach this handful of change is basically shit to me." 

it wasn't true, it wasnt MY MONEY, when my grandma had handed me her purse I never even thought of MY OWN WALLET that was in my backpack with about 30 dollars and 5 dollars worth of change in it My subconscious mind had thought NO THIS HANDFULL OF CHANGE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR A WOMAN WHO RELIES ON THE KINDNESS OF OTHERS TO SURVIVE. What the actual hell brain! I HAVE A TWENTY IN MY POCKET RIGHT NOW I HAD THAT TWENTY IN MY POCKET WHEN I WAS TALKING TO HER. Why DID I NOT THINK to reach my hand into my pocket and pull out the money. 

Really that money, that change, that I gave her didn't even hold it's actual monetary value for me. I refuse to use handfuls of change to pay for things. I don't know why, So I just keep my change in a can. I don't really plan on Cashing out the said can That's just where I keep it. WHY DO I KEEP IT?! There are people withing 2 miles of my house that could use the money to EAT! THEY COULD USE IT TO PROVIDE THEIR BODY ENOUGH NOURISHMENT TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY and here I am HOARDING IT IN A CAN. 

On the one hand I could try to raise them blind to peoples gender race etc. But how do you do that what children's perceptions are shapped by absolutely EVERTHING around them. How can I preach to them a world of tolerance and accaptance when outside there are people making money off the suffering of others and making sexist remarks to a girl who decides she wants to dress in certain ways. Where religion has become a problem leading to blood shed and not the answer and absolution that I want it to be. where people still make judgements based on race and you should be afriad to walk down the streets alone at night. 

And I wouldn't be the only source of influence. If I was then my children would be in their own little bubble, but children for the most part can not be put in bubbles. Thats considered child abuse under most circumstances. 

The reason I turned out the way that i did was because I was left to my own devices mostly. Yes i was provided with a home clothing and food, but my life was pretty unstable growing up. My mom was so caught up with her husband that she pretty much bought me books and dolls and I was just left alone. I was an only child so I didn't really play with anyone but my imaginary friends. I also lived in a basement but thats a different story. 

So essentially who I am was forged in loneliness and neglect. I don't want my children to have the same experience. I don't want them to ever feel alone or neglected because A child shouldn't go through that. I'm not sure if I know HOW to parent though. I know I wont be able to handle it alone. So I also worry that if I do decide to marry someone and have children with them that they need to stay...

I dont know I just got an invitation for one of my friend's wedding. She's my age with two children and is getting married in a few months. I dont have much faith in marriage in general so is it wrong that I see their marriage flaming out within a few years? What if he just leaves her. i live too far away to help her if something like that happens but I dont think a mother with multiple children should ever have to do it alone.

I'm not saying single mothers are bad. I'm just saying I think everyone should have a support. My mom before she met last husband was supported by my grandparents. After that husband was supported by myself and her friend. I'm not saying these were IDEAL situations but yeah she still had someone. 

I dont know maybe i'm just super co-dependent, in the way that i dont want to function without someone to function with. I'm not saying a romantic partner because god knows I handle being single really well. But I need someone around me a friend or family member to just take my mind of this fucking depression I have to deal with. Not to dump it on them just for them to be a distraction for me.

Because I cant function without a distraction. the worst thing you can do is leave me to myself with nothing to do but think. I'd be sobbing on the floor scratching cuts into my arm in an hour.