#connor writes

Keefe missed her. He didn't always miss her, but it did happen, now and then, and God it hurt. It hurt even worse knowing he shouldn't. If she was dead, if she was gone, he might have felt like he had a right to feel this way, he supposed, but she wasn't. She was somewhere, alive, and he'd probably get to see her in the next few months. 

Everything ached. He wrapped his arms around himself, which, predictably, didn't actually do anything to slow the closing in his throat, and soon enough he could feel tears pricking in his eyes. It was dumb. She was-- she made her choice, and it was her fault. She could have been here, they could have been a family, but instead ? Instead, all he was was a “legacy”. He wasn't just sad, he was angry, and lonely, and most of all he was mourning. Was it even possible ? To mourn for someone who was alive, who wasn't even gone from his life yet ? He just-- wished he could have a mother, have the way Edaline was with Sophie, or the way Della was with Fitz, the way they'd rub circles in their backs when they were sad, or bring them a warm cup of cocoa when the nightmares just got too much. 

He was trying to stop himself from breaking down into sobs -- not before dinner, Elwin would notice, of course he would, because he was a good person, a good parent, but it wasn't even enough for him. There was a knock on the door. “Come in ?” Keefe croaked out, and how he hated the way his voice sounded. 

“Kid ?” Elwin walked in, holding his mug of coffee, going from tired to tired, but worried in an instant. Keefe wasn't actually that good of an actor. “Did anything happen ?” Keefe shook his head. Elwin sat down next to him on the bed, putting his cup down on the bedside table. “What's up ?” 

Keefe let his head fall on Elwin’s shoulder, who just wrapped his arm around him, rubbing up and down on his arm with his thumb. “I just miss her i guess.” just saying it had him choked up, and Elwin didn't move, and soon enough he was sobbing i his shoulder. “I shouldn't. I shouldn't it's stupid ! She isn't gone, she isn’t-- she hasn't changed she's the same she just--” 

Elwin rubbed circles in his shoulder. “I know, kid I know.” 

They stayed there for a while, after. Keefe calmed down, his sobs stopped, and he was just left with slightly aching ribs and a dull sadness. “I don't think I miss her.” what was there to miss ? They hadn't exactly had the best relationship. “I guess i just… I wish I had a mom you know ?” it wasn't really a question, it was a fact, thrown out in the world for the first time. 

He wished he'd had a mother. And he'd never get one and man did that twist a knife in his gut. He had an amazing dad, and he had amazing friends that loved him, but he'd never have a mother. His own mother hadn't wanted that with him. She never had. He was-- he was nothing to her. 

In the beginning, he tried to skip out on sleepovers with his friends, out of embarrassment and not wanting to wake them up or bother them after a particularly bothersome nightmare. Eventually, Lucas and Dustin had cornered him after school, complaining that they missed him and “Please, please just come tonight. Mike has been working on this campaign for days….” and Will just couldn’t say no. And yes, he learned that he could survive sleepovers with his friends….as long as he stayed up, refusing to let sleep overtake him, fearing that a bout of nightmares would return with his friends around him.

He knows it’s silly. Will Byers may have some problems, but he knows how much his friends love him, and he knows they wouldn’t be upset if he woke up crying at a sleepover. They’d comfort him and tell him everything is okay and make sure he’s fine before rolling over and going back to bed, probably forgetting about it in the morning because that’s just normal for Will. And Will knows this! He knows this, and he loves his friends for it, but he just wants to feel normal. He doesn’t want to disrupt the normalcy of a sleepover with a choked sob in the middle of the night, so he just doesn’t let it happen. In the dark hours of the night in the Wheeler’s basement, Will will just wrap himself tightly in his blanket, keeping a watchful eye on his sleeping friends, thankful for their presence.

A few months into their freshman year of high school, Mike’s parents decide to take a vacation. Will doesn’t know where to (“Mom won’t tell me,” Mike says with a shrug, and Will doesn’t push it), but it means that Mike is spending the night at his house for the next few days. Mike knows about Will's nightmares because of course he does, he’s his best friend, but they’ve been getting worse lately (The phrase anniversary effect echos in Will’s ears), and Will doesn’t want to keep Mike up all night.

But, of course, Mike sets up his sleeping bag right next to Will’s bed that night like he always does, and Will can only pray that the night terrors will be kept at bay for the next few nights, please. And when he wakes up at 2am with a strangled sob and immediately begins gasping for air, taking in his surroundings, it seems like Mike is up right away, scrambling to grab onto Will in the dark of his room. It’s been awhile since Will has allowed himself to be comforted because, while he knows his mom and Jonathan love him, they need sleep too, and waking them up every night for comfort was starting to wear them down, so he was used to calming himself down after these episodes. So, when Mike pulls himself up onto Will’s bed and pulls him close, pulls Will’s head to Mike’s chest, so Will can hardly hear Mike’s mindless words of comfort over the beating of his heart, he’s stiff at first before allowing himself to completely relax and collapse against Mike’s chest.