#confessionsofastoner

No, you did not read that wrong. Yes, I am high. But that doesn’t have an influence on this story. Other than the fact that I was under the influence throughout this story. But that is beside the point. This story takes place at my local grocery store.

  I was pushing my cart through the produce isle, stopping at the cucumbers to complete the ingredients for my weekly salad. I enjoy taking my time picking out fruits and vegetables; I like them to be perfect. Anyway, as I am concentrating on the pile of cucumbers, a scruffy middle-aged man walks up next to me. I am so focused on these cucumbers that I didn't even notice him. All of the sudden he taps me on the shoulder, startling me. I threw my flawless cucumber up in the air. My heart is racing while I reach for my pepper spray. I stop to think right before I push the button down. Remembering paranoia is a side effect and I am totally overreacting right now.  I put my pepper spray back into my purse, while trying to calm myself down. Slowly feeling my heart rate reduce back to its normal speed, I turn to look at the man that scared the shit out of me. He then says to me, “You have beautiful feet.”

  “You have beautiful feet.” Well that’s a new one. Am I sure I heard him right? Maybe my heart was beating so loud that I misunderstood and he actually said…uh…teeth… Okay, no. That is just as bad. What the hell do I do?

  So, I quickly replied, “Thank you!” smiling a little. Not too big of a smile to make him think I enjoyed his compliment but also not too small that I looked like a stuck up bitch. He didn’t seem like the guy I wanted to piss off. The scruffy man then asks me the strangest question I’ve ever been asked standing next to a pile of vegetables. “Can I lick them?”  Referring to my feet, of course.

  OKAY STOP. Does anyone own this man, where is your wife, or your nurse, because you need to go.

 With the most disgusted look on my face I gave him a fierce, “NO!” At this point I didn’t care how perfect my cucumber is. I just wanted to get away from this disturbing man. So I grabbed a random cucumber, due to my other one landing half a mile away on the floor somewhere, turned around and started to walk away. As I am making my swift getaway he yells, “ I’ll pay you $200 per foot!”

  Now I wont lie to you. This made me stop in my tracks and think about what he was offering me, for a split second. You have to remember, I am a broke 22umb-year-old college student. Money is rare for me.