#confessional therapy

So my cousin Jen celebrated her 30th birthday on Sat. I am so happy for her and I am love how she and her family grow and interact. She is the sister I sometimes wish I had had growing up. I am an only child and I have grown to love and embrace the quiet of being alone and entertaining myself. But over the course of my life I have lived with Jen for a good number of years. So I wanted to be with her when she celebrated this milestone.

She had her party in BR at a show Brad and his buddies were doing. I am not usually someone that goes out much in general, but the fact that it was in BR was another big thing to add to it. I was also going to a show on a Sat. night when I had to open at work the next day. It was a thing for me. Something that put me out of my comfort zone. 

I am happy to say that I went. I carpooled with a friend of ours Codi. She is cool, and is someone I don't spend any time with away from Jen. So we went together with the arrangement that if she got too drunk I could drive home cause I am not good with getting smashed and then getting up and going into work. I am one of those that doesn't really function well around people in a work environment without at minimum 5 to 6 hours of sleep. 

The party was at a dive bar called Hound Dogs. I am a big fan of dive bars. I am not good at all with the crowds that show up at clubs and other places like that. Usually if I am going out to a bar my intention is to drink. I don't want to have to deal with the mental and emotional things I have going on in my head while I am in public around to many people and loud noises. Probably one of many reasons I have not been to more concerts or festivals. I have come to the conclusion as I have gotten older that I don't like large crowds. I don't like having so many people in a confined space that I have to physically navigate through. I am fat. I take up more room then most people. I am also not very good at being assertive with people. So all that added to large groups of people and not enough space to move around in without having to move people out of the way. I have had a couple of experiences that would probably be described as panic attacks or something close to one.

But I wanted to see Brad play and be with my cousin for her party. And the bar turned out to be the perfect type of place. The music was cool and I think I might have lucked out on that end. The show they were doing was centered around 80′s, 90′s, and mash-ups with recent types. Which means it was not anything to far out of reach. I am happy about that and I was excited to be in a space to hear new styles I was not familiar with. 

Now knowing I was going to drive and had work in the morning I didn't drink much of anything. I was able to listen to the music and enjoy it with my friends and I even had a few really good conversations with a few of the women there that knew Brad and Jen. I have a good track record of being able to have at least one good conversation with someone when I am out at something like this. I talked books, Dr. Who, and comics/tv. It was cool and I did have fun.

I have not gone out for an evening like this in a very long time. Which meant I was happy in my corner watching everyone else and not being extrovert and outgoing with people. I feel bad cause I was asked more then once if I was good or having fun and cause it was a bar people kept offering me drinks. I did have fun and I was fine and I didn't want to get to a place where I was to drunk to drive home. I was not able to just say fuck it and skip work. I am kinda sad about that but that is another entry all together.

I was amused at one incident that happened that night. I as hanging out and talking with Codi while Jen was getting settled and getting drinks and waiting for Brad to start his set. Codi was talking about how she had to tell here boyfriend that if any guys hit on her at the bar she would just use me as a “girlfriend decoy” of sorts. She would slide in close and make it look like we were an item to get the guy in question to back off. Of course I laugh and agree to help her if needed. It amused me to think about the fact that she would think to use me as the decoy not knowing that I was coming to terms with my own identity. I didn’t say any of that to her but did say that I had the haircut for it so we might as well. 

The only problem popped up when it was time to go. I would have left the party around midnight or maybe even before that if I had had my car with me. But I am horrible at putting my foot down and forcing people to do the things I need them to do which meant It was 1 o’clock in the morning and I was more then ready to go but I couldn’t get Codi to leave. She was hammered as I knew she would be cause I was there to drive her home. I don’t get out much which usually means getting on the highway and going somewhere is a bit of a big deal for me. With the help of both Brad and Jen we were able to get out of the bar and on the way home around 1:30 am. 

I get onto the highway and I am feeling ok driving in an unfamiliar car when Codi opens her door and leans halfway out of it. I am about to have a fucking coronary while going almost 70 down I-10. I am not happy about this. I don't want to have to deal with her doing things like this and drive down a highway that I knew for a fact was going to have construction in few places. She was puking out her car. I should have stopped and let her deal with it but she said it was good and to keep going. She was nice enough to not open the door while on the highway again. She did lean halfway out the window and puke a few more times. I believe some of it blew back into the car and hit me In the face. I am not happy about that but I dealt with it and after dropping her off at here house and getting my car I was able to get home and crawl into bed around 3:30. A said and done I was able to sleep for 5 hours and get to work on time so it ended up good. 

I have heard and read about people’s coming out stories and they talk about just the act of having to come out to friends and family and it was always a big step. It was always something I couldn't get around. I didn't always get the difficulty and how much courage it took to tell people something like that. I am know first hand sitting in the exact same place. I think about it periodically and wonder about how and when I would tell my people. And then I am sitting in front of my cousin, one of the people I love more then myself sometimes, and I can't say anything. I can't figure out how to begin to say what I want to say. I feel like I need to write a speech of some sort. Something physical and thought out that I can have in my hand. Then I feel like that is the stupidest thing ever. I should be able to just say that I am Bi to my cousin.