#confessional post

“When we’re children, the window to our heart is clear. That is why we can clearly see the Guardian Characters – who we want to be. Even if sometimes that heart is hit by rain or blown by heavy winds. But when we become adults, we have to suddenly think about many things, and in that process, the window becomes fogged. We can’t see through it anymore. But see? If you wipe a fogged window, it easily becomes clear again. Your journey on the road of stars wasn’t to find something that you lost. It was to become aware of something that was always there. And your journey will continue.”

From Shugo Chara Volume 12. My photo, 5/18/17.

(Btw, the “journey on the road of stars” refers to something that happens in Volume 11).

^ This quote, though. I feel like it totally applies to me. When I was a kid, I could see my dream to be a writer so clearly. Writing was fun, a passion. But then when I grew up and learned about what really goes into getting a book published, and started just dealing with being an adult, writing became harder, more like a chore. I got a job and was in college, and I didn’t have as much free time to write or even read for pleasure anymore. Yet, I still did enjoy writing and literature, so I chose that as a major, even though I had no idea what I was going to do with it after graduation. Then in the last year or so of college, I started to worry about that and pursued a certificate in web design in an attempt to have a day job possibility, and that was basically just a mess. It was just more work on top of my B.A., it was stressful, and I wasn’t happy, but like an idiot I pushed through and finished it anyway. Who knows, I may be grateful for that someday. But now, here I am, almost 6 years after graduating college, and I’m still at the same lame job that got me through my last four years of college, and trying to find time to write and read in the midst of that job’s unpredictable schedule. I have more free time now, but my job leaves me too tired to enjoy it or make use of it most times. And writing is still hard. I’m trying to find passion in it again, and hopefully I can uncloud the window to my heart and find it again.

I would like to start by saying no, my past boyfriend wasn't a terrible person. Really he's good in my eyes as more of a friend, if you have him as that you know he's a nice guy, it would have been a lot better if friends was all we were.

In that past relationship, I literally never felt good enough. I was always compared to other people, he would constantly tell me "she's beautiful" then when I would ask about me, he would say "Oh I obviously think you're attractive it's different". I don't know how I was expected to believe that when I was constantly discreetly being torn down, which I doubt he ever even noticed. I am not one of those girls to lash out at someone even if I'm dating them, because they're not "mine" they have the free will to do what they want, I don't own or control them. I would act mad at the situation when he'd bring up how beautiful a girl was to me, yet when we broke up he said he never realized and that I never showed him, even when I directly said I'm not good enough. I feel as though when you're dating someone you should NOT brag about how pretty or gorgeous another girl is that is disrespectful and can make someone feel terrible about themselves. 

What I learned is if someone continues to make you feel like you're not enough, if they make you question the type of person you are, no matter if they try to make up for it; if it continues to happen you need to let go. No one deserves to feel so crappy about themselves compared to the rest of the world. These days girls beat themselves up enough for the way they look, they don't need other people doing it too.

Lag Compensation sucks so much. it killed MW3 for me. * didn't even buy that game*.

Black Ops 1 I miss playing with my party of 5 or 6. We would have Blackbirds up by like 2 mins into the game. I miss Summit, Firing Range, Original Nuketown, Grid, Havana, Radiation, WMD, and Stadium. I dont miss Kowloon though. I miss Capture the Flag on that game SO MUCH. We would make teams just RAGE QUIT and we would just have COUNTLESS Blackbirds up and Dogs and Chopper Gunners up. the memories... *sigh* 

Like in Black Ops 1... even when I didn't have a full party and i played solo, I could possibly carry a team by going 25-4 getting a Blackbird and Napalm strikes. *Not to blow up my own ego. not what im saying.* However in Black Ops 2? nah. im mid pack at best. I range from 16 kills down to 8; and from 17 deaths down to 3. It's just so up and down for me that some nights i just cnt bring myself to play it.