#computer send shitpost

OK so Wall-E is as far as we know, the last trash sorting robot, in his area if not everywhere. He’s survived by cannibalising the other, broken down robots: That’s not the horror part.

The bad part is the spaceship full of blob people on hover chairs who have been out there long enough to speciate and interbreed their skeletons away.

Because they’re the descendants of 1%ers.

The rampant consumerism and capitalism turns the earth into a junk paved wasteland with unbreathable air, stocked with abandoned robots who don’t remediate the problem, they just pile it up.

Meanwhile the rich people climbed on the Axiom and went on a cruise for long enough that they’re evolving into Salisbury Steaks.

So… What happened to the other 99.9999999%?

They’re not important to the Axiom passengers, so they’re written out of history. Because they didn’t get a fancy ship: They all died so that when the rich people came back they’d get the Earth all to themselves, and their Robot Servants would handle everything else.

It used to be that conspiracies were all "ECHELON 3 is listenign to all out phone calls!! The US government is spying on us all!"

Uh well that actually happened.

Or "The CIA is running mind control exp-"

… OK MK ULTRA was also true and created the Unabomber.

...

Anyway, look the point I was going for is that there were some really meaty conspiracy theories predicated on the concept that there were a bunch of people in the government who were putting severe effort into covering it all up

And now?

Well Grandpa Rapey over there in what's left of the Whitehouse? If he knew something cool it'd get blurted out during a presser.

And any cool secret shit like alient UFO antigrav?

War Thunder forums would already have the full specs, build list and three guys who already tweaked it, so they could show up to Comicon in a functional TIE fighter.

So I saw this:

Which is cool and all, and I'm not planning to fact-check it. But a few points to consider:

There's a Canadian place called Vimy Ridge. That place happens to be in France. Because in World War One, the French and Germans fought each other to a truly hellish stalemate, only meters apart. Grenade throwing range. They were there so long the French built a kilometre long resupply tunnel.

Anyway, the Canadians took the place in something like 72 hours.

Partly because they're Canadians and as a military force they don't fuck around.

Mostly because they built a scale model of Vimy and trained their troops mercilessly to handle it.

And in return, despite the thousands of men the French lost, they hailed the Canadians as heroes and built a huge monument and carved the name of every single person who died, everyone that they could identify. French, Canadian, German. Everyone. Because it was such a horrific moment in history they wanted everyone to remember the toll, and that it should never be repeated.

Then they gifted the battle site to Canada. So technically it's a Canadian Enclave. It's also got a forrest: For every casualty they planted a tree.

Then they populated it with sheep to keep the grass down, because the ground is full of century old ordnance. Which sometimes still detonates: This is bad for the sheep but good for the volunteer staff who don't end up as the latest casualty of WWI on a technicality.

The Canadians of course went on to fight in Afghanistan and the Gulf, holding the record for being the biggest thing a terrorist has to worry about. You might have the entire US army backed up by the Brits to deal with, but it's statistically Canadian special ops that are going to get you.

I feel Unicode has afforded us an ability to do text emoticons that the ancients could only dream of. Videt:

⦿.◉ The fuck's this shit? 🞉.🞅 The drugs kicked in ⚪︎.⚪︎ Stare ◗.◗ Side eye ◒.◒ Getting real tired of your shit, Bob. ◠.◠ Real happy ◡.◡ Sleeping through whatever your opinion is, Carol ⦿.❇︎ Ack! In the eye? Are you serious? ❂.❂ I'm a chameleon. 𓂀.𓂀 I know where the hieroglyphs are kept. I am better than you. ⛔︎.⛔︎ I'm a goat, Carol. A goat. ꩜.꩜ I found out about your Hypnosis kink Bob. Meet me in the store room in five.

(⦿ Y ⦿) Gandalf

🙳

Ⓕ For paying Respects.

I have this little routine.

It's about people using computers who don't understand the computer.

They walk backwards around a tea light wearing purple jeggings waving a rubber chicken and something happens. One day it doesn't But they have no idea why: There's no line between what they're doing and the result so they're double gold fucked because they never knew why any of it worked in the first place so they now can't fix it.

So now they have to drag in the local wizard. Their Tech Support Family Member. The nerdy person form next door.

And it turns into that Terry Pratchett scene with the Rite of Ashk Ent where they light candles and draw aa magical circle, do the chant and perform a sacrifice... and Ridcully does the same thing with a fresh egg (or 10cc orf mouse blood) because he actually understands why the rite works.

So by not understanding things, you are seriously folded when they go wrong. Like totally Origami'd.

So when you get to be The Support Entity and you know why things went sideways with a nice sharp crease, you can fix it.

The thing is you're now saying 'You just need a fresh egg (or 10cc of mouse blood)' to people who have been getting the dribbly candles and a goat involved. Or purple jeggings and an Ikea vanilla scented tea light.

And they won't believe you. Because their way worked. Maybe the Jeggings were the wrong shade of purple or the candles weren't dribbly enough. So let's go back to the way we understand it...

Anyway. You have to account for people's tendency to do the same thing they always do even if it no longer works, because it's what they're used to and comfortable with.

So you have Clark Kent, AKA Kal-El.

Then you have his cousin, Carol. Er. Kar-El.

His other cousin, the language teacher, Bab-El.

The out-of-town Aunt from the country, Yok-El.

The really religious uncle, Bib-El.

And his wife with the big naturals, Mam-El.

Their kid who makes computer art, Pics-El.