#complicated situation

Sarah was a complicated little girl, when she was about 6/7 years old she was the most joyful person her mother had known. Always climbing in trees, dancing on the music in the kitchen, drawing on literally everything, you name it.

But things change, Sarah changed. She went to highschool, met new people, met the new “normal”. Discovered all kind of new things to do, all kind of new emotions, new problems.

The first year was fine, it was school so Sarah didn’t loove it, but it was okay. The second year was doable, more complicated school work, more complicated relations with people.

In the third years things changed, again. Sarah started to lose the joyfulness she’d always felt, she started to feel sad, empty, but at the same time she had all these emotions and thoughts. The third year of Highschool was the first time Sarah had even burnt herself. She burnt herself with a hot teacup, against her skin, feeling the temperature rising but not letting go. Holding it there as long as she could take. Until the blister came. When the blister came, she cut it of and, again, the mug against her open skin. The next day the mark was swollen, so she put a jumper on the next few days to school.

Sarah does this for multiple reasons, maybe hard for you too understand. Sometimes she wants to feel something, other times she wants her mind to be quiet and sometimes she just enjoys the feeling of pain. Sarah’s a sucker for adrenaline. Snowboarding, diving, these kind of things make her feel alive, she use to climb in trees or go rollerblading and jumping of things, now she doesn’t, too old, too embarrassing.

Burning is the only way to get the right amount of adrenaline without travelling loads of kilometers or spending lots of money.

At the end of the school year Sarah met a boy, Vincent. They met each other at a fair, although they have seen eachother in school before. Sarah loved this boy, he loved Sarah. They talked about 3 months before the relationship was official, in the three months before they had hung out multiple times, stayed for dinner, went out with friends. Basically everything you do without the title. Sarah was most happy when Vincent finally asked her to be his girlfriend. Sarah found out that she was Vincent’s first girlfriend, which was funny to her because he was her first boyfriend. This was something sweet and maybe not so convenient, they both didn’t really know what to do and they both were a bit too shy. They never even kissed.

They lasted 1,5 months. (4,5 months actually).

Sarah was devastated. Vincent broke up with her on snapCHAT, so she didn’t have a real conversation with him which makes it hard for her to move on. Sarah is an overthinker, she lies in her bed, nothing to do but to think. Rethinking the whole relationship, what she could have done or what not. All the times she had the chance to kiss him but was too scared. That is one of the things the mostly regret not doing, kissing him.

Maybe, she thought to herself, maybe if we had kissed, we would’ve lasted longer.

She wrote a lot, mostly about him and her thoughts. Poetry, stories, just random thoughts that came to her mind or some quote she saw earlier on the day. Writing is her way of coping with a situation, just laying it down on paper or on a screen. It helps her have more of a visual, she thinks.

Sarah burnt a lot in the period after Vincent. Burning the empty feeling away that he left, reaching after the adrenaline. She felt quite depressed, but she never blamed it on Vincent. She couldn’t do that to him. She had thoughts about everything.

Burning. Him. Death. What do I do. School. Friends. Alcohol. Smoking. What am I doing.

All in circles, round and round.

Now 8 months after he broke up with her, and she still loves him, still wants him back.

Her friends don’t understand the way she feels about him, how hard she tries to let go.

All but one, her bestest friend, Sophie, or at least she tries to understand and Sarah really does appreciate it.

Sarah is now 16 and in her forth year of school. The year she lost Vincent, the year she seeked help. She is in therapy now, there they found out that she has adhd. That explains lots of things about her, but now the therapy is all about the adhd, not about her actions and her thoughts, which is very frustrating for Sarah.

She doesn’t know what to do.

Sarah is a strong girl, she knows when she goes to far. Even when she wants to end her life she thinks about her family, all the people that care about her. It over ways the dark thoughts, so she makes the right decision. For now.