Hamlet, a (gay) summary
Aka the closet is glass
Gertrude: Hamlet I know you want to go back to university (where Horatio is) but I need you here (where Ophelia is)
Hamlet: UGH fine
Hamlet: *sees Horatio* 😍😍😍
Hamlet: uh oh, do I forget myself
Ophelia: Hamlet says he loves me
Laertes: Please don’t believe him - he’s not allowed to follow his heart, he has to do whatever is best for Denmark [babe you are his beard???]
Polonius: Please don’t believe him - the prince can have sexual indiscretions, but you can’t [girl he’s screwing around with guys???]
Hamlet: *sees his father’s ghost*
Horatio: Stop! What if it’s dangerous??
Horatio: *physically holding Hamlet back* I can’t let him hurt you
Polonius: Hamlet wrote Ophelia this love letter
Gertrude: Really? Hamlet??? 🤨
Polonius: Yeah it says “I’m totally in love with you, babe, I swear, why don’t you believe me?”
Polonius: But don’t worry, I know she isn’t in a good enough social sphere to marry him
Gertrude: Wait no I want Hamlet to marry literally any girl Ophelia actually
Gertrude: God wouldn’t it be great if Hamlet was acting so weird because he thought a girl was hot
Hamlet, to Polonius: *cishet voice* Better lock up your hot daughter so I don’t get her pregnant, amirite fellow straight dude 👉😎👉
Hamlet, to his friends: I don’t like men
Hamlet: WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING
Hamlet: The pangs of despised love are too much to bear 😢
Hamlet: Hey hottie! Did you pray for my sins lol
Ophelia: Here are your love letters back
Hamlet: I gave you no such thing
Ophelia: You did though???
Hamlet: haha, are you serious? …You’re hot? Ok, like, yes, I did—
Ophelia: You made me believe you loved me
Hamlet: Oh you should not have believed that, I did NOT
Ophelia: I was deceived 😭
Hamlet: Girl, heterosexuality is a scam, go be a lesbian or a nun or a whore or something, why do you want to be a breeder? Also do you have any idea how much sinning I do? I am picturing so much gay sex that I literally don’t have time to do it all in one lifetime.
Hamlet: Oh shit, is your father spying on us?
Hamlet: Fuck, uhhhh ok ok ok
Hamlet: Listen girl, even if you perfectly perform society’s heterosexual bullshit, they will still talk shit about you, so just go to a nunnery/brothel/whatever, or at least don’t marry an asshole like me
Hamlet: Also since your father is listening, uhh, here’s a bunch of toxic misogynistic bullshit!! And uh, you are the reason for my (fake) madness, just like he suspected!!! Ok bye! ✌️
Claudius, who was listening: Wow, I guess Hamlet doesn’t swing that way
Hamlet: Horatio!!! 😍
Horatio: Sweet Lord 😍
Horatio: My dear Lord 😍
Hamlet: I love you so much that my (female) soul is bonded to you
Hamlet: I love how you are not passion’s slave, like how could I not fall in love with you
Hamlet: …I made it too gay again, didn’t I?
Hamlet: *Loudly making sex jokes about Ophelia now that they’re in public again*
Horatio: *gets a letter* Literally nobody else would be writing to me except Hamlet
Hamlet: I need you to run to my side as fast as if you were running from death itself
Horatio: *Takes off running*
Hamlet, in private: Oh shit, Ophelia died?
Hamlet, in public: *leaps into her grave proclaiming his love for her as loudly as possible*
Hamlet: *is poisoned*
Hamlet: I am dead, Horatio
Horatio: And I’m like those (famously gay) ancient Romans
Horatio: *tries to drink poison after Hamlet is killed, Romeo and Juliet style*
Hamlet: *has to physically wrestle the cup out of Horatio’s hands*
Hamlet: If you ever loved me, you will survive this pain for me ❤️
Horatio: Now cracks a noble heart 💔
Horatio: Good night, sweet prince ❤️
Horatio: *uses the familiar form ‘thee’ instead of the formal ‘you’ for the first time in the entire play now that there’s no point hiding it* and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest ❤️❤️❤️
