#collins asks

It's so strange for Collins to remember what he was like before that night he brought Quinn to his quarters. He feels like a completely different man and it shreds his heart to realize how much he looked away.

But back then, Collins took great care in avoiding Quinn whenever it was humanly possible. He didn't see him much at all, even though he heard about Quinn and the things that had been done to him every time he was with the crew. Quinn was, quite literally, the main source of entertainment for most of them so the conversation constantly and inevitably turned to Quinn quite quickly.

But here's a few that really stick with him ...

There was, of course, that glimpse of Quinn being strung up in the mess hall surrounded by almost all the crew. That one will haunt him until his dying day. Sometimes he thinks it would have been better to have seen what actually happened because the images his mind fills in during his nightmares has to be worse... but maybe not. Probably not.

Collins would willingly gouge his eyes out if it allowed him to forget that particular memory. But he has no right to forget, he knows better than that.

But there are two others that really stick with him.

The first was at the airlock with Murphy and the rest of the mutineers. Collins was barely looking at Quinn then. He kept his eyes dutifully ahead, for the most part, and tried to stay professionally detached. But the horrific sound Quinn made, when Collins lifted the lever that opened the airlock 🥺 that he'll never forget. Quinn wailed. As hands tore off his clothes and dragged him away, he was screaming and sobbing, but not for himself. The agony, the pain, the loss, in that sound...

He shakes his head hard whenever he thinks of it. Almost as if he could shake the memory of that horrific sound out of his mind.

He still hears its echoes sometimes though, when Quinn is having a nightmare. He can't explain it except to say the quality of the moans change, the way he cries out. He knows he's dreaming about that moment instead of all the rest Quinn endured.

Quinn clings to him in his sleep, quietly crying for the lives of his friends, friends that Collins himself executed, that he murdered. Collins can barely stand the guilt that wraps itself around his throat, so torn between wanting desperately to be the source of comfort Quinn needs in that moment and a deep, aching need to tear himself away from the man he loves because he simply has no right to be touching him. The guilt Collins carries is very very heavy. He thinks that too, is right. It should be heavy.

The second one, it was a breif moment, a passing in the hall.

He remembers the feeling that washed over him when he turned the corner and saw Quinn from down the hall. Jackson had him by the arm, his hands bound in front of him, and Quinn looked like hell. Collins hadn't seen him for at least a week at this point and what he saw made his steps falter. Quinn's entire left side of his face was covered in bruises, deep purple and greens, some old, some new. His torso was battered and his thighs...

Collins swallowed down bile as he got closer.

He barely looked like Quinn anymore.

Jackson nodded in acknowledgement to Collins as they approached, Collins nodded back, but just as they were about to pass, Quinn stumbled. It seemed his legs simply gave out on him. Collins felt his body twitch, an instinct to help someone so hurt, but he swallowed it down when Jackson quickly caught Quinn by the collar before his knees even hit the ground, and Quinn choked quietly as he allowed himself to be dragged back to his feet.

Quinn's eyes flashed to Collins', nothing but a fraction of a second before Jackson shoved him forward. He stumbled again and fell, landing hard on his shoulder. He was so weak. Jackson laughed. He opened the door to Quinn's right, the door to Jackson's quarters, and lifted the man up by his arms before shoving him into the room. The door shut behind them and Collins couldn't move.

The entire scene was horrific. But what stuck with him was the look in Quinn's eyes when he looked at Collins.

There was so much emotion swimming in his eyes, fear, exhaustion, anger, shame, acceptance, but it was what wasn't there that slapped Collins right in the face.

Quinn wasn't looking at him for help.

Not even a little bit.

And he wasn't there to help. Despite everything in his body and mind and soul telling him this was wrong. He would obey orders and walk by, like he always did.

And Quinn knew that.

If anything, Collins was just one tormentor among many in Quinn's mind that day. Certainly not a savior.

And that truth breaks Collins' heart every damn day. Because he wasn't there. He didn't help him. Quinn was left to fight and survive on his own.

It made him sick then and even more so now.

For so long, far too long, he was just as bad as the rest of them. Why would Quinn ever look to Collins for help? How could he?

I love that you're obsessed!!!! Your obsession feeds my soul!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

And oof!! Oh Collins 🥺

He is so painfully aware that any and all touch could potentially trigger Quinn in some way he can't even predict.

Even just laying in bed, with Quinn sleeping with his head on his chest, his fingers curled into tight fists as he whimpers through another nightmare, Collins worries himself sick thinking that it's him triggering Quinn in that moment. It's his body pressed against Quinn's, his arm wrapped around his shoulders.

It scares him to death.

He's tried to pull away, or loosen his grip, or try to gently pull out from under Quinn so he doesn't feel any unwanted touch. But almost every time, Quinn just holds onto him even tighter, or wakes up with terror in his eyes only to be quickly replaced with relief once he recognizes that it's Collins in the bed with him.

Sex is just an entirely more complicated thing! Collins is really good at recognizing the signs that Quinn is beginning to touch on unwanted memories in the moment and he so gently eases back and waits to see where Quinn wants to go next. It's such a slow process and Quinn is so often more frustrated than Collins could ever be about it all.

But he's SO aware. Unwanted images flash through his mind with even the suggestion of Quinn laid out before him. It's nothing he's actually seen though. (beyond the time with the captain and Hawkins, that was the most he saw for himself) Collins never saw him in the act any other time. Even in the mess hall, he left far before anything began, but he's heard all the details, and he's seen much of the aftermath. His imagination is strong enough for him to fill in any details he didn't see for himself.

I know they haven't quite gotten to having full on sex quite yet, but they've experimented and tested some of both of their boundaries.

The one that stops Collins short and strikes terror in his heart is when Quinn whines. He wishes he could love the sound, the breathy, high pitched whine from the back of his throat when his head is thrown back and his eyes are fluttering with want and pleasure... but Quinn makes sounds like that in his nightmares 🥺 they're mixed with terrified weeping and anguished moans but that keening whine lives there too, in Quinn's nightmares and in his memories and Collins knows those sounds too well at this point to be the one responsible for them.

Collins will hear those sounds and he can't help but stop, he drops his head to the warmth of Quinn's neck and mutters his apologies into his skin. Quinn assures him that he's ok, that it feels good, that he wants this but it's just so hard to get past it all. For them both.

And neither one of them pushes the other in those moments. They just hold each other and ensure one another that they are safe and exactly where they want to be. Sometimes they are able to start again, but sometimes not, and that's ok too.

Quinn knows the sounds he makes are a bit of a trigger for Collins and he's determined to rewrite those memories in Collins' brain! He's determined to whine happily and quietly into his neck when they hold each other in the morning, to moan lightly into his mouth when he knows Collins can see the smile on his face and the playful glint in his eyes. It's going to take so much time, but they'll get there!!

There'd be so much desperation in his energy, an almost panicked need to see it.

He'd ask what Collins had seen and Collins would tell him as calmly and controlled as he was able. He'd ask if the crew had seen it and he'd get visibly angry at the thought. Collins would tell him it was only the Captain and he'd tell him the specific footage that was requested, but assure him no one else saw it.

They'd go to Prim together.

Collins and Prim would both tell him that they worry it might do more harm than good to see the footage but they would honor his wishes and Quinn would not be told no about this. He'd be insistent.

It would take no less than three panic attacks for him to get through what still remained and he'd likely get physically ill at least once. 🥺

Quinn wouldn't quite understand why he regrets that Prim deleted the rest and he'd want to see that too. Something about regaining control and watching it from this strange birdseye view gave him an almost detached feeling about it. It felt just slightly better than the memories he had of those moments, as if it wasn't really him.

It's honestly his physical appearance that would shock him the most. I mean, he knew. He felt it. He had caught glimpses of himself here and there and he knew what he looked like after he was rescued but still, seeing himself like that. I don't think that would ever not be a shock.

Prim kept some of what happened to him in the mess hall, mainly because everyone that was executed was involved so she figured she wouldn't have to keep some of the other footage with only one or two crew members here and there. She also kept a clip of the Captain dragging Quinn down a hall by his hair with the gag in his mouth and his hands bound behind his back. It was the only footage that had a clear image of the Captain actively hurting Quinn and not just walking him down a corridor or watching him. The brutality was evident and would lend no questions to the Captain's culpability in what was done to Quinn. Seeing the Captain again... yeah, not good. Not good at all.

Quinn felt safe around Collins, he found comfort there, and the Captain saw that. He could see that they shared a palpable connection and it made him sick to his stomach. He could feel his control over Quinn start to slip through his fingers and, since it was truly about Quinn instead of Collins, and the Captain mainly saw Quinn through this lens of sexual control and humiliation, his anger towards Collins also took on that same flavor.

It enraged him that Quinn seemed to have feelings for Collins and, despite the fact that Collins really wasn't his type, he found himself reveling in the thought of tainting something that Quinn desired. Of taking all that strength and goodness and safety and making Quinn watch while it was all stripped away. Piece by piece.