#collegeseries

This is definitely something I need to talk about because ever since I got here I have been thrown into such a new and confusing whirlwind of this new specie of boy. I mean don’t get me wrong I definitely did not expect to get a boyfriend the second I got here and I didn’t expect boys to be willing to commit either. But the amount of boys I have encountered that are literally only interested in fucking anything with a vagina is unbelievable. But really in the post I want to talk about a few boys I’ve met here.

Justin, the very first boy I met here who I have a genuine interest for. He is so fucking handsome and has a smile that literally makes me melt every time I see him and I can’t help but smile and blush back. I talked about him in my previous post too. He’s the boy who literally lives 15 minutes away from me back home. And on top of that like I said last time, he has the same exact home life as me. His mom is an alcoholic so he lives with his dad. This has created such an infatuation within me for him. I honestly cannot fathom the fact that this adorable boy who I just click with understands everything I’ve gone through and I don’t need to explain my situation he just gets it. At first though, Justin was ready to just fuck me and be done with it but I let him know immediately that I am not like that. He respected that and has been spending a lot of time with me since. I don’t even know what it is i’m just so crazy about him. One day we were cuddling and he said to me “I think I really like hanging out with you because you make me feel close to home”. That was the most genuine(and cutest) thing anyones ever said about me. But its weird with Justin he doesn’t really text me often and when I bring another guy around he gets really jealous really fast. He’s hot and cold. There are some days he wants to hangout, other days he wants to party with girls and its just so confusing. Theres just so many good and bad things about him and I don’t know how to handle him.

Unfortunately I added another boy into the equation just a few days ago. Arty. Arty is from my actual hometown and high school. I was never really close with him at all. Not until out drunken hookup last week...? It’s funny because at these parties before I even go out I know I won’t be hooking up with anyone because all the guys are grimey and only want one thing. But last weekend when I found out that Arty was at the same party as me I knew that I wanted him in that instant. I told him i’d get him more beer from the keg but it had run out as my cup was being filled. I had to give Arty back a half of a cup of mostly foamed and of course I apologized in my drunkenness and hugged him. And I know this is about to get corny but he whispers in my ear “I know how you can make it up to me”. And then he obviously kissed me. It was one of the best kisses I’d had in a long time and yeah I know I was drunk but his kisses were just so good. Arty is just sexy as hell. Well we wound up hooking up all night but Arty was getting very emotional with me. Not crying like emotional sounds like but he was genuinely getting serious about me really quick. He was saying stuff like he wanted to know what was going on between us when we had only ever been this close thanks to this drunk encounter. We then went to go eat at a casual place downtown and Justin ended up being there. Arty kissed me and Justin got so jealous. (I kinda liked it). And its funny because the stuff Arty was talking about has been exactly what I wanted to hear but once I did it freaked me out. But anyway Arty and I talked out what happened sober and we both agreed we didn’t want relationships and it was too soon because we only just got to school. But with all that being said Arty is just a really amazing, sexy guy and I don’t know what to do about him either.

And the way these stories intertwine are like this. When Arty and I were at the place to eat and Justin was getting jealous I really didn’t like it all that much. And like in that moment I wasn’t even sure who I really wanted. But after having them both around I knew I wanted it to be Justin. So when we got back to my dorm Arty wanted to stay and talk and spend the night with me but I told him we would have lunch the next day. And the second he left I called Justin and told him to come over. Justin was so drunk, worse than me and it was almost like I was taking care of him. It was so fucking cute though. He was so giggly and silly and we just laughed the entire night and no there was no sex (mainly because of my period) but I had such a good night with him. It felt so natural and I felt so comfortable around him. It felt like we had been dating for years or something. But the next day he left and it was kinda weird between us. I wound up getting dinner with Arty because I thought it was a good idea for us to hangout sober too. Arty seemed very off and distant but I just assumed he was tired. He walked with me back to my quad and then asked to nap in my bed. It was cute he looked comfy while I got ready to go out. I walked him halfway back eventually and thats when he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship but I agreed because im on the same page as him. I was honestly shocked because what he was saying when he was drunk did not at all correlate. That night I really got hammered and was texting both Justin and Arty. The only one who was actually around was Arty and I wound up spending the night with him. He said to me before he was about to walk me home; “How about this...no sex but you spend the night with me.” It was such a cute gesture and of course my drunken self said yes. But yes there was no sex at all. 

Alright so I decided that i’m going to start a college series of blogposts because i mean this is a blog and i now want to take advantage of that fact. Plus now that i’m in college i feel like there are just certain things i cant always say to people or express and i want that opportunity. So this is going to be really long with a lot of rambling because it is my first so just bare with me because theres a lot i need to talk about.

Being away from home is a little easier than i expected. Don’t get me wrong there are definitely times where i feel homesick but i really love all of these new experiences i’m acquiring. The biggest downfall however is the fact that i am not even on a freshman quad. There are two quads made up of all of the freshman on campus (and because i’m an idiot and signed up for housing sooo late) i got put on an upperclassmen quad. My room mate is a junior and all of my suite mates are sophomore’s and an already established group of friends. Its so hard to be completely honest. Im always walking to my friend from high school’s quad because i just want to be around my own kind. I constantly feel judged when i’m here and its so annoying because i feel like everyone i live with is so nosy about what i’m doing and where i’m going. I feel like i’m just seen as such a freshman here and i hate it so much. Also i’m honestly just so nervous about college work and tests and what not. Im so scared that i won’t be able to handle it and that this just isn’t for me. It just feels like the universe is against me because it seems like nothing good has happened since the second i got here. I moved in all by myself, lost my ID the first day, missed my first meeting with all freshmen on my quad, had to walk into a huge arena by myself where all the freshmen were already sitting, and the fact that i’m on the upperclassmen quad and just so much that has happened. It feels like this isn’t going to be for me but i don’t understand how it could NOT be for me. I’ve waited for this for so long and have everything into place but i still cant help but feel lost and helpless and so damn confused about my future. Everyday i’m so scared that i’m making mistakes, missing opportunities or just plain failing. I thought that I felt lost once before but this is a whole new and worse kind of lost that I cannot seem to shake. I honestly just want to cry to my dad and hug him but at the same time i don’t even want him to know how i’m feeling. I just have no one to talk to about this and i’m so sad. 

And on top of all of this I have met this guy who I have become so infatuated with there is not an hour that goes by that i haven’t stopped thinking about him. We are literally 15 minutes away from each other back home and he has the same exact living situation as me. He lives with his Dad and his Mom is an alcoholic. He is the only person I have ever ever met who totally understands everything i’ve ever been through and i think thats why i like him so fucking much. But he’s a freshman too and he wants to experience the college life too and i’m not saying I want to tie him down already but I just want to be even closer with him. But he just wants to fuck me and then go out with girls and i’m pretty upset about all of that because what are the honest chances of me finding someone like this.