#collegefeels

We're around each other all the time, and there are memories we share, but it's just not the same as when I was in elementary school and high school. The feeling is different now. It's like they just occupy space in my life, but I don't feel that same connection anymore. I'm the one who would do anything for a friend, who would do everything, but sometimes I regret it. I think, maybe I should've spent all my energy on another person someone who actually appreciates me.

It gets to me more when it comes to small things, like jokes and teasing. Sometimes I feel like I'm not actually part of the group, not actually understood for who I am. When I was growing up, I was never referred to as "maarte" (fussy), although I know I can be. I've always been fussy about cleanliness—I didn't like anything dirty, smelly, or sweaty, and I've always been like that. It's just how I was brought up, not in a negative way, but it's just me. Yet, sometimes when I’m with them, it feels like no one really gets that side of me anymore.

I want to open up, say what's on my mind, but something prevents me from doing so. Perhaps it's because I'm just so tired of the drama. It's tiring pretending like everything is okay when it doesn't feel like that. I suppose I don't want to keep forcing it when it isn't mutual. But perhaps I need to stop seeking validation from people who don't perceive me the way that I perceive them.