#coffis beans

I know that you cannot expect magic and wonder from your S/O. but it goes without saying that they should be willing to understand your demons.

I'm bringing this up because I'm coming down from a depressive episode. and I reached out to my s/o in the throws of it. they said they would call me. I missed the call. they messaged me once inquiring my whereabouts. and 15 minutes later...they let me know they were headed to bed, and to “not let the bad thoughts get to me”

I'm writing this because i spent the past three hours debating whether I should maybe kill myself now or wait till I returned from my trip this weekend, because, “you've already spent all this money and time to go”. 

maybe I'll do it while on the trip,

perhaps the Monday before my next job interview

and as i sat there debating, upset twisted into teeth grinding rage that.

i reached out

 how stupid of me to think that after nearly 3 years of being together, you would have taken the time to try and understand me and my mental illnesses. like if taken the time to understand your stressors and your certain way of living.

how stupid of me to think that maybe you would care about my breakdowns farther than the time it happened. maybe find out the triggers, change something that you're used to ,to accommodate me like I've done so many times before for you.

every disagreement we end up in the same fucking loop because no matter how many times i explain myself....you never retain ...nothing changes on your end.

ive found myself repetitive and have translated it too annoying...am i nagging? am i stressing you out? ....am i too much?

i hate that i cant liste to my friends' relationships without being envious.

i hate seeing genuinely happy couples because it reminds me that i cover for you so often that i don't even know when im pretending i am or not.

i hate that i cant enjoy cute couple videos or watch romantic comedy like shows because i remember i will never get that.

i don't get surprises

or gifts

or affirmation that arent like a npg repeat list

i dont get ....what i need

ive been trying so so hard to be your rock, be positive, be perfect for you ...

but you won't even do the same ....you consider wearing the clothes ive bought you or the techniques for daily life ( that you should've been doing already) your change..for me 

and its...just not enough

im tired of telling you what i need, or watching you go above and beyond for others and im never treated special 

i love you for some reason, so it hurts to constantly feel like this....and recently this feeling is around more than anything else.....