#code name:

kinda nervous kinda not that he’s not here right now. Is that weird? Or is that independent? 

he left for a trip on the second and won’t be back until the 12th. i’m only interested when they’re interested and maybe he’s the same way and that’s just a paradox happening

“binge watching tv shows makes me feel like my life has purpose” I say jokingly as I go through 4 seasons of game of thrones in one weekend

so date three happened and things are still a big ???? but I like it

2:48AM June 9th, 2017

Your story starts with a joke. “Bet if I stick my hand in there, I’ll get super powers”

You were always that nerdy, attractive, and stupidly charming guy who made me want to be you and be with you. You like chocolate ice cream, bake awesome snickerdoodle cookies, and play lacrosse like a champ. There were so many different parts of you that made the Wonderboy I know today.

You were destined for greatness. I remember hearing about overcoming late night cram sessions, frustrating moments with code, and heartbreak (from friends, family, and love). If somebody had to give you a weakness, it would be your stubborn attitude–although you could say your stubbornness was what helped you get to where you are in the first place. 

You decided to change your last name. “Does it really bug you that much?” “Yes. I already went through with it. From here on out, I’m a Barton.”  And so… from there on out, I called you Barton. You forged a name for yourself, something I’m actually very proud of.

You have this cute grin that makes my heart melt. Who would have known that the innocence you show is only a cover up for the hilarious, dirty jokes you’d text me in private. You’re so complex yet understandable.

You never noticed the moment I became the villain in your superhero adventure.  “Hey, one of our friends said you used to have a crush on me” I was frozen “Yeah, I used to have a thing for you back in high school. It ended after you left and went to college” I was maybe dying on the inside “Oh. I guess that’s when I started to have a thing for you too” I was crushed. “That’s too bad…” I had to crush you too

You asked me a question. I said, “People change, things change” but it was a half-hearted answer. Nobody knows how much it hurt when I realized that it wasn’t going to work out. Nobody knows the pain and grief I felt when I wanted something that wasn’t really even mine in the first place. I couldn’t believe in superhero stories anymore. 

A long time ago, I didn’t know if I loved you or not, and that the only thing I knew was that I wanted you in my life. Now I know…I do love you, but I’m not sure if you will be in my life, no matter how strongly I want it.

“Jealousy is the unhappy combination of hurt, anger, and fear that occurs when people face the potential loss of a valued relationship to a real or imagined rival. You can see jealousy as a reaction that we might lose our partner to somebody else.” -my notes from Dr. Gleason’s HDF304 lecture on Jealousy and Loss

Everybody feels jealous. I feel it a lot whenever I’m talking to you…I’m jealous of the people who hear your voice, the people you smile at, the people who laugh at your jokes…

Wow I can’t believe the day is finally happening. It’s been a year...

I have a superstition that my relationships wouldn't end well if I talked about it beforehand...