#cobert angst

The tea with the family had grown to be unbearable. Being there with him as he nibbled the tiny but countless teacakes so totally unbothered. Mama displayed her practised cheerful tone whenever a topic was discussed that excluded Cora for the mere fact that she didn’t understand enough context to be a part of the conversation. If the discussion did include her though Mama’s eyebrows arched high on her forehead and her voice was monotonous and grave. As if everything regarding the young daughter-in-law was a touchy and serious topic. Papa usually stayed silent during these discussions. Sometimes his jaw clenched visibly. A sign that he was thinking about something that posed a difficulty, a challenge. Robert either averted his look, glancing out the windows across the carefree land or mustered Cora with a critical expression. His brow furrowed, sometimes his eyes squinted a trifle, and he regularly took sips of his tea to avoid having to add something directly addressed to his wife. It was so plain and it didn’t hurt less with every day it was repeated. Cora was a problem nobody quite knew how to handle.

She huffed and clutched the fabric of her coat with both hands, her arms crossed in front of her chest. Her breath escaped her lips in tiny clouds of warmth. She stalked down the path leading away from the estate. She didn’t want to believe it. She was no problem. They didn’t say it out loud. None of them did. But, oh, how she felt it in their looks, their tones, their sighs. Cora was hard to integrate and hard to teach. Cora was slow on what she was expected to deliver. Cora wasn’t easy to love.

She pressed her lips together as her pace quickened. A futile attempt to run away. Away from her thoughts. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that they thought like this. Because it wasn’t true. She easily integrated and learned. She did her best to quickly realise every request and task directed at her. And she tried so hard to be loveable. She blinked her eyes. She was not a problem.

No one said so, she told herself. But why then couldn’t she help but feel as if she was whenever in the presence of her new family?

“But you were raised to be a mother one day, weren’t you? It’s not that they taught you something different in America, right?” Violet had asked dead serious, her eyebrows raised in a challenging expression. Cora hadn’t anticipated such a low dig and had turned her slightly open-mouthed face to her husband. What was she to say? Was this really how a daughter-in-law was treated here? But Robert’s reaction had stung even more. He had looked at her curiously, seriously considering Mama’s inquiry an interesting question. It had taken all of Cora’s well-trained composure to suppress an outraged gasp.

“Well, of course,” she had given back simply and calmly. She had tried to chew on one of the pink-iced teacakes but the crumbly sponge cake had gotten stuck in her dry throat. The sweet sticky icing had tasted traitorous as she observed Robert casually licking it from his fingertips, thinking no one was looking at him. She just hadn’t been able to stay a minute longer in this room. So, she had put the pastry aside instead and had smiled a sugary smile at Mama while saying, “You’ll see it when the time comes. If you may excuse me now. I’m tired.”

She was tired. Tired of it all. Still, she wandered the grounds restlessly. Because she couldn’t bear the stifling silence of the spacious halls. She couldn’t comprehend how there could be such a huge distance between Robert and her. How was it that they hadn’t managed to grow closer by now? She tried to push away the rising images of last night but after the first flash of his bare vision hovering over her, she was lost in the spiral of still fresh memories.

There had been the usual knock on the adjoining door. Brisk and inquiring. Cora knew he wouldn’t come in if she gave no response. He didn’t disrupt her sleep and wouldn’t invade her privacy. One time she had been dozing already, and rubbing her eyes it had taken her a while to realise she must have been woken up by his knock. Her reply had been groggily, and he had only popped his head in tentatively. “I didn’t want to wake you. I’ll let you sleep.” She had told him he didn’t have to but he had insisted. A few times she had considered not letting him in. Being on her own would maybe be less alone. But she hadn’t had it in her. If she was awake, he was welcomed in her room. It had been the same last night.

“Come in!”

He opened the door soundlessly and pulled the strings of his dressing gown belt tighter as he closed the door behind him. Cora sat propped against the headboard of her wide bed, her hands clasped over the closed book on top of her covers. Her full attention was on him, her gaze following his every move. Robert’s eyes didn’t meet hers. He took quick steps towards the bed and sat down on the edge with his back to her.

“Do you have a new dressing gown?” Cora inquired. She couldn’t stand the silence in the room. It seemed he was avoiding her at all cost. He was about to take off his slippers but paused to lift his right arm and muster the fabric of his dressing gown.

“Could be,” he gave back with a shrug of his shoulders. “Have you never seen it?”

“No, I don’t think so,” Cora kept her tone light. The dressing gown founds its place at the feet of the bed. Finally, Robert turned to her. He looked at her for the first time. Shortly, he acknowledged her face, sweeping his eyes over her features, before he settled his gaze on the book in her lap.

“Did I interrupt you? We don’t have to if you don’t like to.” He stayed seated on the edge of the bed. A safe distance between them.

“No, I haven’t even begun reading yet,” she quickly replied. “And of course, I like to have you here.” She smiled softly because it was true. No matter how awkward it sometimes was (mostly because of his absence of mind) she preferred to have him with her. That maybe was the problem.

“Well, if you say so,” he sounded little enthusiastic. His former question seemed a bit like an excuse to her. As if he was looking for a way out. But he got onto the bed fully now, and she was quick to put her unopened book to the side. She brushed the loose curls of her dark hair behind her ears, trying to push them into the night coiffure her maid had applied with a simple silk ribbon at the back of her neck. Robert moved over the mattress, lifting the light upper covers to slip beneath them. Suddenly, Cora felt a hit of his breath at her neck as he shuffled closer and a rosy blush spread on her features. She lowered her gaze. God, he wasn’t even doing anything and she was flustered already! What this man did to her!

“You look nice tonight, Cora,” Robert spoke softly. His palm cupped her cheek and slowly wandered down under her chin, lifting it lightly. She looked into his pale blue eyes cautiously. Her lashes fluttered as she was searching for some warmth there. His gaze dropped instantly when his hands wandered to her waist. His touch was gentle and distant. But she had missed the opportunity once again to come closer to her husband’s warmth. She knew it was there, enveloping all his tender feelings. But for whatever reason, she was being kept away.

Robert now fought with the constricts of Cora’s dressing gown. The dusky pink garment was wrapped at least once around Cora’s slender body. She had gone to bed with it for the chilliness of her room. The smouldering fireplace was much too far away from her lonely spot in the big bed. Robert huffed when he didn’t get the soft material from his wife’s torso.

“Let me help you,” she whispered and struggled from the offending piece of clothing less elegantly than planned. With a sweet and encouraging smile, she turned to her husband beside her and reached out her arms to start unbuttoning his nightwear but as if it was a serious battle, he grasped one button after the other, trying to do it faster than she. When he was about to untie his lower garments, Cora’s hands laid idly in her lap.

“May I?” he turned to her and his hands hovered over her thighs. She only nodded. Robert pushed down the blankets a little and grabbed the exposed material of her nightgown. He gathered it in his hands until he had reached the lower seam and one of his hands sneaked underneath, seeking the waistband of her drawers. His lips connected with her cheek as he loosened the string of her waistband. He pressed a kiss to her lips as he pulled down her underwear. Cora returned his kiss heartily before she helped him getting the drawers off her legs. Now Robert moved above her, taking off his pants completely and then pushing her nightdress up, revealing her full nude vision. Right before Cora took the dress to pull it over her head, she saw his eyes wandering over her body as unrestricted as nearly never. She was very eager to throw the nightgown aside if he was to devour her with his eyes like this. His hand dropped between her legs again, cupping her down there and gently beginning to stroke. Cora sighed. He could do this more often she thought. His eyes had locked with her chest and he seemed to be considering something. She could practically see him taking heart. And then, his mouth descended on her breasts, kissing them extensively one after the other. Cora closed her eyes. Her head sank weakly back into the pillows. Her silent sighs turned into soft moans. At first, she laid there passively and savoured his passionate attentions. After a moment, her hands found his head and her fingertips disappeared in his sandy curls. She drew light circles on his scalp, gently scratching the back of his head. His lips travelled up her chest and neck and connected with her open lips. Cora pressed her mouth to his hard and sucked his lower lip between her teeth. She felt him shuffle between her spread legs until his hardness pressed against her. He broke the kiss and his eyes searched hers questioningly. She returned his intense look and nodded.

Pushing inside her, his eyes fell close and his lips parted slightly to let out a low moan. Cora tried to relax, wanting to give in to the pleasurable experiences that, at this moment, were right in her reach. Being this close for her to grasp. But since the moment Robert had broken their fiery kiss, he was distant. Their skin only touched barely. They were about to absolve this task with minimal contact she feared. He began moving above her slowly but Cora felt cold. With his hands and lips on her, it had been as if her body had forgotten the freezing temperatures of her room. But now, his hands were pressed into the mattress on either side of her chest and his lips were up there, high above her. Far from her reach.

Cora didn’t want to force more closeness on him. She didn’t want him to be uncomfortable. So, she did as she did so often and laid there beneath him, trying to make it work the way he predefined. But today, the cold took hold of her and it made her panic a little. It had started out so nicely. So much closer and more intimate than usual. She had liked it. It had been thrilling, it had made her nervous but she wanted to explore it. As the fear formed in her head that he might not touch her again during the whole act and that it would turn out less satisfying than ordinarily, her hands sought at least the slightest contact and wandered up his tensed arms. Her grip grew tighter around his biceps, and he looked into her eyes. For a second, she wanted to ask him for a kiss because she felt like this was what his pink lips called for. But she didn’t. Instead, she pushed her hands onto his back as he began moving faster. And it worked. Robert buried his head into her neck for a moment and she held him in her arms as he rocked them both closer to the brink. It felt better this way. Cora was able to enjoy it more. And then, he started kissing her shoulder, and the warmth spreading from her core expanded with a much quicker pace. Cora mirrored his actions and his skin felt so good beneath her lips. When he was close, Robert lifted himself and they were able to look into each other’s faces again. And everything Cora saw from that point on was his flushed nude body moving eagerly above her. The blood rushing through his body coloured his skin light pink. He groaned. She only saw the rosy colour of his skin. She moaned. Skin on skin. Low moans and breathy sighs. Pale pink bodies holding on to each other so close… until… It was over. It was done, and the closeness was gone. A few moments later, he was gone as well.

“Goodnight,” he said with his back to her. How could he get back into his clothes so fast? “Sleep well.” He stood up. Only a brief look over his shoulder. So fleeting he couldn’t have seen anything at all really.

“Goodnight,” she breathed silently into the sound of the turning door handle. Over and done with. That was how they went to bed so many nights.

And now, as she walked down the gravel path, all she saw before her inner eye was skin. Rosy skin. A pale pink body. An innocent colour. She snorted. Innocent yet intimate. And in truth, it was none of it. Again and again, she herself created the appearance of intimacy between them. Yet there was none. Not for real. But she was sure that every time they had been a little closer last night, he had enjoyed it just as she. And still, he had escaped her. Cora was hurt. She opened her arms for him again and again, and he was running away cowardly. She saw glimpses of longing in his eyes, she was sure. Why when it sometimes seemed as if he did enjoy her company as if he revelled in her closeness, why did he chicken away like a moody young boy? Cora was frustrated. What made him doubt? What made him insecure?

Cora halted when her feet had made enough steps away from the estate. Her thoughts paused for a moment too. She looked into the pink sky, illuminated clouds drawing pictures of her lost home. Cora had spent endless moments marvelling at the spectacular Ohioan sky and practising her painting hand at the romantically pink and lilac cloud formations only a few years back. The vision now, hanging over her who she stood on the cold and harsh English land, made her eyes glassy with a yearning for a time lost. She used all her willpower to keep her lip from trembling. It would mean defeat and perhaps – a tiny but growing part of her mind feared it – it would also mean regret. She didn’t want to regret her marriage. She didn’t want to regret any of it. But more often than not it felt like everything she needed for her heart to be filled, filled with energy to live, had been taken from her.

And then, as her mind and eye resumed wandering, there was again skin, only skin for as far as her eye could reach. His light pink body being close to her. He was the only thing on her mind. And she wanted him to be her energy to live. Craved to be his energy, his reason for living. But she had to get these presumptuous dreams out of her head if she wanted to survive here.

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